Firstly, Bernie Mac succeeds in looking forty-seven, which is nearly his real age, but not in passing for a former professional baseball player. Simply put, there is nothing athletic about Bernie; he has the most average, flabby, undefined build of anyone I’ve ever seen. If he’s the former power hitting slugger he’s supposed to be, you’ve got to think he’d at least look a little more intimidating body-wise. I know there are notable players who have reached the 3,000 hit milestone and weren’t exactly in shape, but the fact is Bernie Mac does not look convincing as a baseball player, no matter how old his character is supposed to be. His gimpy left-handed swing doesn’t look right the entire movie. There’s just something really awkward about it. Another thing to consider is why exactly isn't Ross in the Hall of Fame nine years after his career ended, 2,997 hits or not? Barry Bonds is a jerk, too, and I think the sports writers who hate him (and there have got to be plenty) will still vote him into the Hall. I'm not buying that a player that good was kept out of the Hall of Fame for personal reasons. That only happens to Pete Rose, who will undoubtedly star in the sequel, "Mr. 4256". Anyone want to make a wager about how much gross such a sequel would accumulate?

The team Ross belongs to is the Milwaukee Brewers. I’ll admit that the baseball scenes looked fairly realistic, if for nothing else than for the fact that they really did film the games in Miller Park, and all the uniforms and logos were correct. Various media celebrities ranging from Stuart Scott of ESPN to Jay Leno add realism to the movie. When Ross decides he’s making his comeback, we flash to what are apparently the guys in the Brewers’ front office. They conclude that while it’s highly unlike a 47-year-old man can really contribute much to the team, at least he’ll draw fans, and since the season’s almost over and they’re in fifth place anyway, why not give it a try just to make some money? There’s a nice image for baseball. Who cares about the product? Let’s make some money! I don’t know about you, but if the Cardinals were really struggling and decided to bring back a former legend so he could chase his personal goals and humiliate himself doing it, I would certainly not throw cash away watching it happen. Apparently the Brewer fans don’t have any issues with it, though.

At the time of Ross’s comeback, the new star of the team is “T-Rex” Pennebaker (Brian J. White), who’s name sounds even stupider than it looks barely fitting on the uniform. There’s no way someone with a name like that could ever be good at baseball. Anyway, T-Rex is nothing but a young, cocky superstar, and naturally, he has an attitude similar to the one Ross had back in his earlier playing days. He sure needs a mentor to help him out with that nasty outlook. Filling the obligatory role of attractive female in the movie is Angela Bassett, who plays the character of Mo, a well-respected anchorwoman for ESPN who has a past history with Ross; one that was of course sexual. Her part is completely useless and she doesn’t once take her clothes off. Michael Rispoli rounds out the cast of major characters as Boca, Ross’s one and only true friend in the world.

Basically, the story unfolds with Stan playing horribly and failing to get a hit in his first couple dozen at-bats or so. By this point you’d think the marketing scheme would be just about run into the ground, but apparently it’s still working, and he continues to get his chances. I don’t care how bad a team is, if any player other than a star has a stretch of 27 at-bats without a hit, he’s getting benched, sent down to the minors, or released. If a 47-year-old player returned from retirement and started off like that, he’d be gone. But Milwaukee continues to play him, because, well, he’s earning money for the team and nothing else matters in baseball. Of course, this is where the sneaky side story works its way into the movie. As Ross’s woes continue, his arrogant nature is softened a bit, and he begins to learn how to be a better teammate and a better person, showing increasing interest in Mo while trying to build something of a real relationship with her. As Pennebaker continues to hit home runs and the team continues to lose, Ross calls out the team’s star for being too concerned with his own stats. Soon thereafter, he finally gets his first hit, beating out an infield single with a hard slide into first base (which actually slows one down, since a play at first is always a force out and doesn’t require a tag). After the game, all is well between Stan and T-Rex, and the team in general goes on a late-season roll thanks to a stirring speech by Pennebaker, happy to take over the lead as team captain after being lectured by Ross.

Excitement peaks when Ross belts a game-winning homer for his second hit, extending the Milwaukee win streak to seven and getting the fans buzzing. At this point Stan is approached by the evil front office guy and requested to sit out while the team goes on their road trip so he can get his 3,000th hit (for the second time) in front of the home crowd. After initially balking at the idea, Ross accepts the proposal and spends the road trip talking to various members of the media about how great he and his team are doing. So this 47-year-old guy has two hits in over fifty at-bats and his team is on a pointless late-season run and the whole world wants to hear about it? Apparently, because all the attention goes to his head and just like that, Ross is the same conceited jerk he had been his whole career, much to the chagrin of his teammates and Mo. What a revolting development in the movie; I was personally overcome with grief.

Fortunately, all’s well that ends well. In the last game of the season, still stuck on 2,999 hits, Ross steps in with T-Rex on second base with the game tied in the bottom of the ninth. After getting two outside pitches and then being knocked down by the vindictive hurler on the mound, the camera zooms in to Ross’s face as he awaits the fourth pitch, and the voice of his friend Boca plays in his head, telling him how he’s consistent at always looking out for himself. I won’t ruin the ending by telling you what happened exactly, but since when can a runner score from second on a sacrifice bunt? Oh, I guess I did ruin the ending. But it gets worse. The pitcher, who apparently had some kind of personal grudge against Ross initially, is so touched by this he hands him the ball afterwards, which Ross promptly tosses in the stands so the fans can enjoy it, while he is forever doomed to be Mr. 2,999. This kind of ending is not made any better by the fact that the heart-wrenching scene is interrupted by Ross’s concluding narrative that starts out with, “Corny enough for you?”

Bernie Mac was funny in his little cameo in “Bad Santa”, and if that movie had been about baseball, I would have gladly reviewed that instead. If I wanted to see a horribly unrealistic movie about baseball I could go watch Field of Dreams. After all, that movie isn’t very realistic. Shoeless Joe Jackson has never once told me anyone would come no matter what I built. Basically, I didn’t like Mr. 3000. And if you like baseball, neither will you.

"Haha, you actually saw Mr. 3000."