Dear Spank with Love,

    I had two sons, one could never be spanked.  I once swatted his bottom, he was about two or three, and the look on his face was one which spoke of being physically assualted.  My other boy always chose a spanking when he earned a punishment.  One of the things I like about your article is you stress a parent "reading" their child. Both my boys are grown, married, happy and raising wonderful children of their own.

    My youngest, who preferred being spanked to other punishments, always recieved his spankings with his pants down or off, on the bare bottom, over my lap, with my hand or the stick my father used on me.  This stick was 18 to 24 inches long, and 3/4 by 3/4 of an inch thick, smooth heart of redwood.  P always had a say in the number of spanks.  S my older boy, could not grasp that spanking was anything but physical assualt and was therefore punished by corner time, room time, loss of bike or other activities.  I did spank him on a couple of occasions when he asked because he did not want to lose out of some activity with his friend.  These spanking were highly unsatifactory for all concerned because of the trauma S felt over being struck.  I never used the stick on him and when he asked for a spanking I sought to have him understand the process.  The problem was that when the first spank hit is naked young rear, thinking, reason and justice went far from him and terror at being hurt was all he could grasp.

    I think that punishing a child is what parents must do when they have failed to discipline and when children forget themselves as members of a community.  Punishment is the price paid for stepping over the line [rule] which makes for people being able to live together.

    Thank you for your page, I know it will help many.
 

Hi.

A couple of suggestions that you have not covered in your site:

1.  Cupping the hand while spanking a smaller child's bare bottom produces a much louder sound and makes the spanking seem more severe than it is.

2.  Applying water or baby oil to the bare bottom of an older child increases the sting of a hand or paddle without increasing damage to the skin.

3.  If you're too angry to safely spank right away, making the child stand in the corner gives him time to reflect and anticipate while you cool down enough to do the deed safely.  Corner time after a spanking is also a good punishment for non-cooperation, especially if the child's pants are left down.
 

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Thank you again for your wonderful web site.  Most of the sites which support spanking advocate methods which I think are too harsh, such as using implements, or punishing a child multiple times for the same offense, or making a child wait a long time for a spanking.  Your view is very much like mine.  A proper bare bottom spanking with the open hand across one's lap is sufficient discipline for little children, provided that they are shown plenty of love and that the rules are clearly understood by them.
 

Just a quick message to say how good and helpful the site is.  It combines common sense with practical advice. Most parents use spanking at some stage and it is good to have a site which supports them in this difficult area. One suggestion.  Instead of having a random punishment selector, if parents genuinely need help in selecting a punishment, why not operate a help line? 
Good luck
 

Just a brief note to say that you have put together a very thoughtful and inteligent site. It's developing steadily, positively and I'm impressed! 

I share your attitudes regarding spanking and agree with the majority of your conclusions and recomendations. A spanking should be given with love and a determination to help the child to grow. "Consequences" are an important lesson in life, and all too often ignored by poor parenting. You are doing your children no favours whatsoever by letting them think that life will roll over for them every time they throw a tantrum! Better an early and sharp lesson on the bottom, than a much more seriously harsh lesson from life when your folks arent there to catch you.

It strikes me also that it's about respect too. Not the dumb, blind "because I say so" variety, but the respect for other people that makes life so much easier for everyone. There are other punishments that can be effective for minor misbehaviour, but a hand spanking over the knee is tried, tested, and get's to the bottom of the problem quickly! I dont buy that loving discipline ever hurt anyone. I have a suspicion that whilst no kid would readily admit it, a temporarily sore bottom is preferable to a lot of nagging, deprivation of priviledges and long term resentment. I have an idea that the debate over spanking will come full circle and parents will realise that smacking a childs bottom is not the horrendous act that a number of self opiniated "experts" believe it to be. 

Please keep up the development of your site, it's excellent and I just wanted to write and tell you that. Take care.
 

I love your website.

When my daughter J... was growing up, I only used spankings as a last resort.  It didn't happen very often, and not beyond age 10 or so.  But when she was little, it worked.  Most of the time, if she was acting up or wouldn't obey, all I needed to do was frown and ask her if she wanted a spanking, and that warning would do the trick.

On those occasions when the warning failed to straighten her out, I would march her to her room and promptly get it over with if I was feeling calm.  If I was angry, I would send her to her room and take a minute or two to compose myself beforehand before going in to her.

I abhor child abuse.  But there is a vast difference between physical abuse and a well-deserved spanking properly administered by a loving parent for a child's own good.  For J..., a spanking meant being turned over Mommy's knee and getting 2-3 slaps for each year of her age across her bare behind.

After she'd been punished, I would leave J... alone in her room to cry for a few minutes.  When she had simmered down, I would go back in and we would have a mother-daughter talk about her recent behavior and how it needed to change in the future.  Once I felt she had learned her lesson and was properly contrite, a kiss and a hug closed the matter and it was not spoken of again.

Little children cannot always reason through the consequences of their actions.  Some consequences are too abstract for a young child to grasp.  Other consequences are severe but intermittent, as is the case with unacceptably risky forms of play.  That is why I believe an artificial consequence is sometimes needed.  For an artificial negative consequence to teach a child anything, it must be *negative*.  In other words, it must be an unpleasant experience which the child strongly wishes to avoid in the future.

Pain is something every child instinctively avoids.  And as an artificial negative consequence it has the added advantage that it can be over with quickly, unlike other forms of punishment.  A spanking clears the air and lets the parent/child relationship get back on track as soon as possible.

Giving a child a spanking is like breaking an egg.  The best way is to do it is just hard enough to get the job done but no harder.  If you don't strike hard enough when breaking an egg, it has no effect, and if you strike too hard it can mess up the egg.

There are all sorts of methods of inflicting controlled amounts of pain, but since children are small and delicate, nearly all such methods pose some risk of physical injury, however slight.  But moderate corporal punishment administered to the child's buttocks is an exception.  I think this is why bottom spanking as a method of discipline for young children is so widely practiced in so many different cultures the world over.

The bottom is a well-padded area, the largest muscle in the body. Yet it is also a very tender and  sensitive part of the body as well.  This is ideal for administering a moderate, measured amount of physical pain without any risk of physical injury.  A single slap across a child's backside may sting, but not enough to be an effective negative consequence.  On the other hand, a quick series of slaps of equal force has a cumulative effect on the sensation the child experiences even though it poses no more risk of injury than the single slap did.

I agree with you that only the hand should be used so the parent can tell just how hard she is spanking and know when to stop.  And I firmly believe that afterwards the child should be forgiven, hugged and reassured that she is still a loved and treasured member of the family.

I would like to recount an incident with J... in which I believe that I used spanking in the way you recommend.

J... was six, and it was an oppressively humid summer day.  She was playing on the front lawn with a couple of other children from our block.  On account of the heat, she had on her lightest sleeveless sundress and bare feet.  But the children were playing hard and when she would come indoors for lemonade from time to time, she was perspiring heavily.  At one point, she asked if she might take her panties off as well, reasoning that it was very hot, they were sticking uncomfortably to her body, and no one could see through her dress anyhow so what did it matter?  I said no, of course, explaining that proper young ladies do not go out in public without undergarments, and suggested she find a less rambunctious game she and her friends could play in the shade if she was so hot.  I felt I was being quite lenient as it was.  My own mother would have made me wear shoes, socks, and a slip under my dress.

J... pouted and fussed and generally didn't exhibit a particularly good attitude, but she could see that I was firm.  Modesty and proper deportment are essential things for a girl to learn at a young age.  The right habits and demeanor will eventually affect the quality of husband she will attract.  And unfortunately male lust makes the world a sexually hazardous place for women and girls, who need to learn early on not to inadvertently send "signals" which might make males think she is offering something, or that she is "easy."  How could I explain all that to a six year old who didn't even know the  meaning of lust?  I didn't attempt to try.  All she had to know was that what she had asked to do was not permitted.  Children need to obey their parents' word, whether the parents' reasons make sense to them or not.  Children who do not obey require discipline.

Later that afternoon,  I was glancing out the front window to check on the children.  For a split second as J... romped on the lawn I could tell that she had nothing on underneath her dress.  She had deliberately disobeyed me, gone ahead and done exactly what I had told her she may not do.

I was very angry,  and called her inside at once and confronted her.  I made her repeat what I had told her earlier about being properly dressed before going outside to play and then made her admit that she had been disobedient.  Then I told her to go wait in her room and prepare for a spanking.

I took some deep breaths and counted to ten, waiting for my anger at her to pass.  As it did, it became easier for me to see how pointless my rule must seem to her.  She hadn't meant any harm, she had just wanted to be comfortable.  But being comfortable was no excuse for willful disobedience.  My daughter had been deliberately naughty, knowing that she would get  spanked if she were caught, and doing it anyway hoping to get away with it.  And that was behavior which I was not prepared to tolerate.

I knew my anger had passed sufficiently once I no longer felt as if I *wanted* to spank her, but rather saw it as an unpleasant but necessary task which *had* to be gotten over with.  It was time to go to J...'s room and administer the punishment I had promised.  I sat down on her bed, stood her in front of me and got her to tell me why she was about to be spanked.  She did so, showing me that she understood the issue.  Then I laid her across my lap, turned back her sundress, and gave her around a dozen firm slaps on her bare backside. The entire procedure took no more than twenty seconds from start to finish.  I then left the room for about ten minutes to give her time to cry and rub herself, and to think over her misbehavior.

When she had quieted down, I went back in and sat her on my lap and we had a little talk.  I explained that there were good reasons why I had made that rule, reasons which she would understand when she was older, and that until then she simply must trust that I loved her dearly and that I made rules for her to follow for her own good because I loved her.  She said she was sorry for disobeying and promised to be a good girl.  I held her closely and told her all was forgiven.  Then, after I'd gotten her back into a pair of panties, I took her into the bathroom and tenderly bathed her face with a cold washcloth so that the other children wouldn't recognize that she'd been crying, deduce that she had been disciplined, and tease her about it.

Then entire disciplinary episode, from the moment I called her into the house until I sent her back out to play again, was probably little more than a half an hour.  J... played happily with her friends for the rest of the afternoon as if nothing had happened.

Well, I didn't mean to run on so terribly long.  Thank you for your site and please write back if like.
 

Have them lay over a couch arm rest! That is another way you can spank your children!
 

1) We tell the kids they're going to get a spanking
2) we give the reason for the spanking
3) we stress that even though there's going to be a spanking we still love them
4) We take the child in his or her bedroom away from prying eyes
5) we ask them why they're going to be spanked
6) We put the child over our knees usually bare bottomed and give as many swats as their age usually with the palm of the hand, sometimes a ping pong paddle
7) After the child is spanked we ask the child again why we spanked them
8) Again we stress that even though they just got spanked we still love them
9) Finally we hug them
 

I am a single father of two girls aged 9 and 11,spankings are done rarely, if and when it is found neccesary I talk to to daughter telling her I am dissapointed in her behavior, and that I know she is capable of not repeating the behavior.

I never assosacite the  behavior with my daughter, I also never ( and would ever) use anything other than my hand. Spankings are always done bare bottomed , and over my knee, always after bath time, I always let my daughter remove her own clothing I feel that this allows them do maintain a certain amount of dignity.

My daughters are however both reaching puberty and I am woundering if spanking is still the most appriate way of discipling them, any feed back would be welcome.
 

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I'm glad you recommend using the hand only. Lots of implements are much too harsh to be used on most children although a very light paddle could be used.
 

I suggest that you start a shared experience area where parents can exchange ideas and opinions.
 

I think your site is fantastic and would love to do what I can to help.  What inspired you to create the site?
 

I congratulate you on the website - it really is an impressive resource.I must say I am gratified that you have been able to mke use of some of my ideas.I shall respond to your specific points soon.

I would like to know whether in addition to the topics already mentioned you think any of the following might also be worth discussing.If so I shall also comment on them:

1.In families where both parents want to share spanking duties how to ensure that both get an equal opportunity to do so.

2.Techniques for joint spankings by both parents.

3.Whether older siblings should ever be given the right to spank.

4.This is very touchy but it needs to be confronted: should a parent who finds they are experiencing some pleasure in administering spankings be disqualified from spanking even if they only ever spank when it is clearly called for.
 

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I would be interested to know of any other issues or themes you are proposing to deal with.

Have you thought of including some illustrative pictures on your site?Of course they would have to be in good taste but they can be very effective in conveying the message.I can remember that older Christian parenting books often included pictures.
 

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You are a person after my own heart with your thoughtful approach to this important and interesting aspect of parenting.
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Your web site is wonderful.It captures the essence of the warm bonding experience which a loving spanking is for both parent and child.I suggest an addition to your spanking positions section.
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Please let me know what you think.And please please finish the rest of the site-I know lots of parents are looking forward to seeing what you say about techniques.And I know lots of girls and boys will benefit from the resulting improvement in their parents' bottom warming techniques!
 

To learn how a misbegotten form of discipline puts children at risk, please visit http://www.nospank.org/sexdngr.htm.

(SUPPLEMENTAL ITEMS: http://www.nospank.org/n-g72.htm ; http://www.nospank.org/n-d76.htm ; http://www.nospank.org/n-a68.htm)
 

Hi, and many thanks for your lovely web site. I was very much wanting to read the article "In praise of spanking the teenage boy" but the link doesn't work for me. Would it be possible for you to find this again? Or possibly e-mail it to me?
 

Just checked out your website.Very good.Please keep up the good work.
 

I just took another look at your comments regarding positioning and implements. Personally, I think a couch is probably the best 'setting' for spanking a child of any age; particularly if there's any kind of a rearward lean to the back of the couch. It's going to make it just about impossible for the child to physically interrupt the proceedings--something that could conceivably happen if the parent were sitting on a chair with the child's legs hanging free. The physical closeness you mentioned is going to be maximized with a couch's full-length support of the child's body. The side of a bed offers that same support, but nothing for the parent's own back!

I completely agree with your assessment of the various implements. And just as I was saying about the intrinsic power of a verbal threat to spank on the bare bottom, the mere sight of a previously employed object like a paddle, hairbrush or strap is going to instantly remind a 'misbehaving' youngster of the bottom's vulnerability; probably even moreso than would be the case with the memory of an open-handed spanking. A paddle, for instance, would have no function other than to spank; hence, instant association for the child. In no way am I suggesting that one sound spanking is all it ever takes to establish a lasting pattern of positive behaviour. But I AM saying that spanking has a significant capacity for sustaining its corrective influence well beyond the over-the-knee declarations of repentance.

Always glad to hear from you!
 

You wouldn't believe how hard I tried to relocate you. I was honestly wondering how I'd ever stumbled on your site in the first place. It's great to have it back again!

Don't get discouraged. You're well on the way to being uniquely informative and enlightening as a source of practical advice and rational thought where spanking is concerned. There's just so much ideologically blinded rejection of its disciplinary potential. Parents with any degree of openmindedness need to know that spanking can be a perfectly legitimate training tool. But, as you've recognized, they also need to know HOW to employ it to its best advantage.

One of the things that I think is so potentially damaging in the attempts to make spanking illegal is the complete denial of its deterrent value as simply a THREAT. The threat of a bare bottom spanking is bound to make a child think twice about following a particular behavioural path. Perhaps such punishment has already been part of his or her experience, or (as was the case with me) the fact of its unpleasantness may simply be intuited. Children somehow come to understand at an early age that a smack on the seat of their pants can sting, if only slightly. The prospect of having that protective buffer of clothing FORCIBLY REMOVED FOR SMACKING PURPOSES is SUPPOSED to give a child pause. And it WILL, so long as bare bottom spankings aren't being dispensed like penny
candy!

I agree with you that spanking beyond puberty becomes 'complicated' and shouldn't be recommended. But I also feel that neither should it be automatically ruled out if a responsible parent truly believes that an otherwise elusive point could be made by deliberately smacking what the child may have come to regard as an influence-free bottom. It comes back to the issue of just how sensibly spanking has been utilized within a parent/child relationship. And that's what you and your site are about, and I think it's great!
 

Hi,
I think you're performing an important and necessary function in both cautioning against spankings as a knee-jerk response to disobedience, but also, in making it clear that one or two smacks on a clothed bottom does not a "spanking" make.

When I was growing up in the 50s and 60s, a bare bottom spanking was about as definitive in its communicating of parental disapproval as a punishment could be. And I'm saying that as someone who was ever only threatened with such a sanction. There's a logic behind 'choreographing' a spanking--ensuring the parent/child privacy, removing enough clothing to make the smacking meaningful (i.e. spanking over underpants if not on the bare), positioning the child across the parent's lap, spanking the bottom with controlled determination, and subsequently reaffirming the particular bond of affection--and its effectiveness is badly undermined if spankings are allowed to become commonplace. The deterrent value of pants being taken down for a bottom warming depends on it being as infrequent an experience as possible.

I don't know if you're planning on addressing the question of "how old is too old for a spanking" or whether older children can be "safely" spanked by the opposite-sex parent. Common sense rarely seems to prevail in such discussions. But common sense is something this site seems to have plenty of. Good work!