I have read the "Spank with Love" site with interest. It is certainly highly thrilling to all who enjoy the dramatic character of spanking situations - independently from the question whether this is a good way to treat your child.

As a child I was rather infrequently and unsystematically spanked. Often it came as a surprise to me - I was not deliberately breaking rules, just "running into a bad situation" where I was determined to be the guilty one who had to be punished. Or my parents just were fed up, angry and thought that a quick slap could help in the situation (if they spent much thought on it at all). I never felt loved in these situations. I felt left alone. I didn't dare to talk normally to my parents for days, I became silent and avoided contact. Things needed time to get back to normal.

While this site claims not to "encourage, advocate or recommend" spanking, reading some of the arguments can cause some parents to think that it is valid as a regular method of childraising. I have various problems with seeing it as anything to do with love.

First, I think that children are people like all others, with a right to remain unharmed. Parents don't "own" their children, they only have a great amount of influence on them (and a great amount of responsibility that comes with this). From the earliest childhood, children have rights and responsibilities.

How does one best teach a child to avoid doing something wrong? If there is the threat of a punishment, then the parent becomes an opponent. A punishment doesn't necessarily mean that the child has understood that (s)he has done somrthing wrong, it can as well mean that the child will hate the parent because the child feels unfairly treated. Next time before doing the forbidden thing again, the child will try not to be caught in the first place. If however the child understand what is wrong about what (s)he did, (s)he will hopefully avoid doing these things because (s)he understands that they are wrong. It is always better to teach a child self-discipline.

Another problem is that a spanking can be only seen as a last resort. From the perspective of the child, I couldn't see anything much more drastic that could happen. So I wonder about the authenticity of all those replies of children or teenagers who wish that their parents would spank them. Now if parents spank on a more or less regular basis, it threatens to become the main way of getting the point across to the child - which is not good at all, I think. A child should be taught to listen without feeling pain. Repeated spankings can only mean that the method does not have any effect - a child does something, gets spanked for it, forgets it and does it again.

An important thing in parenting is authority. This word doesn't mean acting authoritarian, authority is something that you earn. You have authority if your child listens to you because (s)he values your opinion. If you must use force, this means that you don't have enough authority for the child to listen to you without the use of force.

Perhaps spanking can work if it is given by consent: The child understands that (s)he has to be punished, and willfully receives the pain from the parent. If some of the letters in this section are authentic, then there are probably children who think this way - I certainly never did, and I also never knew anyone else who wanted to be punished as a child. Still, if this degree of understanding is there, why even give punishment at all? When we grow up, we don't have anyone who will slap us for having done mistakes in life (unless we really break laws and get caught). Teach your children to do something constructive with their feeling of guilt. Apologizing to the person who was harmed by something that you have done, and becoming friends again, is a difficult, but important task, and it's never too early to learn this.

From the child's perspective: If another child has hit you and is punished for that, this can satisfy your feelings of revenge. It certainly won't make you friends again. Next time you meet that other one, you are likely to be hit again, in revenge for earning him a spanking. So it is an illusion that a spanking can solve any problems that were caused by what you did.

To get along in life, it is very important to take our own decisions, to distinguish right from wrong. I am not sure that spanking can help there. I rather think that it inhibits this free and responsible decisionmaking: Others take the right/ wrong decision for you, and reward you for what's right, and punish you for what's wrong. You don't have to think, you just have to follow orders (or avoid to be caught). I think that it's highly important to teach a child at the youngest possible age to take her/his own decisions.

Parents who read this, never forget: You are shaping a character. Take your time to talk to your children, to discuss things in depth. They are not dumb ... Spend less time on finding the "perfect punishment", and spend more time on making sure that punishments won't have to be necessary at all. Be a model and friend to your children. They should look up to you because they want to be like you - not because they know that you can hurt them.
 

I literally feel like throwing up after reading your "how to" on spanking with love. This is the sickest thing I have ever come across on the Internet. As the mother of three children I am appalled and disgusted. I was spanked as a child and at age 32 still remember the hate I had towards my father as a result of his "discipline." It is because of sick people like you that there is so much violence in this world. Your children are NOT your property and how dare you lay a hand on them. You reap what you sow and you are sowing hate into your children. How cowardly you must be to hurt your innocent children. YOUR job is to protect them, NOT beat them. SHAME on you. You probably wouldn't beat your dog, but think nothing of doing it to your own child.
 

Hi,

I am a 19 year old who is not and has never been spanked by my parents. At my exboyfriends however, its a different story. Since I am still always over there even after we broke up I have now been upgraded to a role of honourary parent in their family. His little sister and brother are 9 and 1. C....y (9) is punished in one of two ways for most offences. She either receives a "smacking" which is pants up standing just on the spot or a spanking which is over the knee bare bottom.

I am often left to babysit and recently experienced a time with C that I thought I would share and ask advice on. C was home with me and her baby brother. I asked her to go upstairs and take her bath and get ready for bed. C looked at me and said "No I dont have to cause your not my mommy or daddy." I was angry with her so I said C dont make me give you a smacking. But again she wouldn't go so I smacked her behind while we were standing downstairs and I was holding the baby. Then she kind of gave me a surprised look and ran upstairs. I heard the water turn on so I focused on getting the baby ready for bed. I was running around getting blankets and things for the baby so he could go to bed and I felt my feet wet as I walked past the bathroom that C has next to her room. Worrying about C's safety I went in and noticed the water was running and C was nowhere to be found. I went into her room and found her lying on her bed wearing loads of make up (against house rules) and reading a magazine. When I asked what was going on she was like I didnt want to take a bath so ha ha I fooled you. I told C that that was totally uncalled for and that a smacking was minor next to what she would get for this. I then took her and asked her to participate in her own spanking and she wouldnt so I did it all for her. I gave her about 15 spanks this time.

When her parents came home I explained the situation since the carpet was still wet. They agreed. I just wonder if you agree as well; did I do the right thing? Does anyone else do the smacking and spanking thing? Just wondering? Please post this so that it adds to C's embarassment over her bad behaviour.

Thanks
 

Dear SWL,

I've found your website very important and helpful. Keep up the good work!

I believe in spanking because that's how I was raised, and because as a mother and grandmother I've found that it works! I am now in my sixties, and I've been raising my grandson B(...) by myself since his parents' marriage broke up. He has been in may care for three years now (he is eleven years old) and I am sure that an environment combining nurturing, care, and loving but firm discipline is really helping him to become a responsible, polite and considerate individual.

I think it's important to emphasise that discipline is not only about punishment. It is also about creating a situation with clear rules and boundries for the child, who only gradually becomes capable of making his own choices. Here the parent (or grandparent!) should clarify her position of authority and decision through things like bedtime, chores or other regular and fixed habits that the child learns discipline through.

When it comes to punishment, though, I do think that spanking with love is the best method there is! I have found it to be the perfect way of keeping unruly children in line. I have used spanking as the primary punishment in my houshold with my grandson, for offenese that merit a punishment rather than a warning (overall he is a very good boy). This includes disobedience, backtalking, foul language, lying, as well as poor preformance on exams or in a report card. But my grandson has NEVER stolen, bullied or been involved in dangerous kinds of mischief and I am sure it is precisely because I am strict with him that this has not happened.

When a spanking is necessary, however, I always make sure that it is a deliberate, long and loving experience that will prevent a similar offense from happening for a long time. I never spank in anger, and in every case I send B(...) to corner time in his room first. When I am ready to spank him I get the hairbrush and go to his room, where I take him out of the corner, undo his pants and underwear and give him a long scolding that sometimes leaves him in tears before I even began the spanking. I believe this is important, both for the 'ritual' aspect of the spanking and also to make sure the child really internalises why he is being punished. To interact with the boy and make sure I'm getting through to him, I never just lecture him but always also ask him questions which he answers with 'Yes, Ma'am' and 'No, Ma'am' (he is always required to use that form of address with me).

After that I take him over my lap and begin the spanking, always with my hand initially but also with a hairbrush because I don't think the hand is enough (and my hand begins to hurt very fast as well!). I normally don't spank for more than five minutes, except for serious offenses, but it usually takes that time because I believe in spanking slowly and meticulously.

After the spanking, while the boy is still crying, I make him repeat why he has been punished and forgive him. I then wipe his eyes and blow his nose for him with a tissue. I always give him a Big hug when the punishment is over!

I have found this to be a perfect method for discipline and to prove that it my grandson's behaviour and thre fact that today I only need to spank him about once in two months or so.

Can you add something in the techniques or implements section on the use of the hairbrush and paddle, even if you don't completely endorse them? Since many parents do choose to use these implements they could probably benefit from information on how to do so in a safer and more efficient way.
 

I am 12 year's old, and my brother (younger) is 10. We are being raised by our older brother. Whenever we are bad, we get bare spankings.

My brother gets over the knee spankings with the hand, and I get laid down on my stomach on the bed, and spanked with the belt. Believe me, my brother spanks us real hard. We try very hard NOT to be bad, but at our ages that's not always easy.

I believe spankings help me. They are given with love, but not affection. And it teaches me that I have to obey. I'm only 12 years old, but believe in spankings.

Thank you,
 

I feel parents spanking is necessary, followed by a big hug.
 

Undoubtedly your site makes fascinating reading for any (predomonantly male) adult trying to come to terms with HIS own feelings about spanking; to understand/confront/work-out/enjoy/relish his OWN personal desires about childhood spanking. (I use 'his' as what I assume to be the majority behind the screen names and 'female' letters).

My deep fear is that REAL vulnerable children will suffer when their parent - buoyed with a false sense of normality by your site - decides to administer humiliating corporal punishment to them in a state of explicit undress. THIS IS NOT NORMAL PARENTAL BEHAVIOUR. Keep the childhood spankings as a fantasy and use grounding/CD removal/ treat cancelled ....

I would implore your readers to use very eloquent, informative and well constructed this site as personal therapy and not a template for dealing with your own children.
 

Heya.

I read you site alot. I'm a 13 year old girl and I have written before but I probably didn't make much sense and was mad, heh. Well, You see about the fetish on spanking..I was spanked alot when I was 5 because I would never want to goto bed (Well you have to admit 8:00 is early.. for me anyway) by my dad and usually I'd fall asleep everynight at like 9:30 crying and he'd just sit there watching us waiting for us to sleep. (Us meaning my little brother, whom was 3, too) I didn't mind all I minded was that since he was there I couldn't play with my toys. (But everytime he'd have to leave to get something from the store my Mom let us play until he got back without him knowing, ha. ) You see my Mom has never ever spanked me (No wonder I like her and hate my dad) and well the last time I wad spanked was when I was 10.. it was embarrassing, made me officially hate my dad, and was for no reason. (Didn't hurt anyway haha ) It was for saying the word "Shutup" But seriously I haven't said "Shutup" to my parents since.. heh go figure.

My Mom is totally cool. I can say/do anything infrount of her. I ever cuss infrount of her and makes jokes that most parents would not like, same with my dad but not as much. My Mom is funny, nice and I seriously am never punished. Never really have been and never will. You see parents say "Ohh you hate your kids if you don't punish them!" Makes me laugh because my parents love me alot and don't punish me. But I don't go run wild and kill people (I love my parents.. well Mom too and I don't want to hurt her with my actions)

I have a spanking fetish, yes, and I haven't told anyone before. It started when I was 9. My dad used to when I was 10- threaten and say he would spank me if I won't stop doing something and it was so embarrassing. Imagine being cornered in the wall, being yelled at wile your 8 years old having your 6 , 13 and 15 year old brother watching.

Ok ok anyway back to the fetish. Everynight all I can think about is being spanked and how much I'd love to be (By anyone other than my parents) It's fun to imagine this stuff, it really is but I seem wierd doing it. I even search for spanking kid sites and when I hear a story about abusive things and kids being spanked even when they shouldn't most of the time when their teenagers.. it makes me wanna go kill the person who spanks them.. I HATE SPANKING!! I really want to seek revenge on the person who spanks someone.. makes me mad.. makes me want to be one of those people who helps parents raise kids and tell them to raise them right.. erm.. but for now I have another dream.. to be an animationist. :) But anyhoo.. I seriously love and hate spanking at the same time. I have no clue it makes me cry when I hear about people being spanked. My Mom told me when she was little she got spanked by her Mom using a stick. (She told me thats child abuse) I am too nervous to talk or mention the word 'spanking'.

Well.. heh this was pretty interesting.. um.. bye,

Oh.. and please don't E-mail me back I'am a nervous person when it comes to E-mailing strangers.. ^^; I get all panicky. Thankyou and bye.
 

Hi

My name is T(...),23 and live and have always lived in London,U.K. I have been looking at your site and I have to say that I don't really agree with everything you say here even though I do feel that children should be spanked and I understand that this method is one of the most common methods of discipline used in the country.

I would never slap a child across the face and I wouldn't do something stupid like wack a child across the arm with something like a cane but I 'would' slap a child across her bottom if nothing else works. Probably the most smacked part of a child's body across the world ,is the bottom and I see it as a suitable place for a child to be smacked, providing it is not done cruelly.

When I become a mother, hopefully in the years coming up, I shall spank my child but only as the last alternative after things like scoldings ect. and I can admit that I once did pull the panties of my older sister's 8 year old daughter down, put her over my knee and gave her a light spanking after nothing else seemed to work when I was babysitting her (and of course I was given permittion to give her a good old smacked bottom by my older sister ,who also beleives in spanking as a useful way to discipline a child).

One thing that child spankers should not do is spank a child so hard that it get's to the point where you are intent on spanking the child so hard, that her bottom starts off round and is curving outwards ,nicely ,but at the end she would be spanked so hard that her bottom is mashed in and curving inwards instead! Or you spank her so hard wanting to have the satisfaction of knowing that she won't be able to sit on it for weeks!

Another thing that I disagreed with is the way the site shows how spanking can be done with things like paddles ,hairbrushes and canes. Children's botties are one of the most sensitive parts of the body and things like paddles hurt to much and is a cruel way to spank them with. Instead I would use the open hand on children's bare bottoms as it is less painful and more appropriate. As for school spankings I disagree as they use things like canes and paddles which I have already explained why I don't agree with thing like that above. However if they agree not to use these implements and only spank with the hand, I would agree as I beleive nowadays, children in schools have become unruly and need more discipline/spanking. Therefor I would agree in teachers dishing out non-aggressive bare bottomed 'hand' spankings. As well as this children are shy in exposing certain body parts and having their rear ends bared embarrases them, adding to the affect of the whole thing being a punishment.
 

My name is A(...), I am 10 years old. My older brother is D(...), he's 17, and then there's my eldest brother who's in his 30's. My oldest brother is raising me & D(...), and he's real strict. D(...) gets punished with a tree switch bare butt, and I get the thick leather strap bare butt. Neither D(...) or me are bad too often, but when we are, our brother has no qualms about administering spankings to us.

It was my eldest brother who found your e-mail address, and as I write this to you now, D(...) is out back in the wood-shed getting a licking for coming home late on a school night.

Our spankings are always bare, and usually given after or during our showers, which make the spankings hurt ten times more. My eldest brother told me to e-mail this to you, because he says that he is a "pro-spanker", and further he's sorry that corporal punishment was taken out of the classrooms.
 

(For background, see this sender's mails from Jan 2003)

Thanks to your help, I have now persuaded my parets to spank me. But I would like to say how they go about it, it might give other people ideas.

I have to go into my room, and stand up and wait for my parent, who will bring an implement if needed. The parent then sits down on the sofa, and tells me to stand by them with my hands on my head. They then pull down my trousers to my ankles. If it is a severe spanking, they pull my underpants down to my ankles as well. If not, they pull my trousers and underwear off completely and order me to get a pair of underpants several sizes to small and bring them to them. My parent (normally my dad) then puts the underpants on me, and pulls me over his lap. They then say why Im getting a spanking etc. They then spank me as many times as I deserve. I then have to stand up while they redress me.

If the spanking is for something very severe, I must go upstairs and change into small underpants and a vest, then come down where my parent lays me on the couch, with cushions under me, then pulls my underwear into the crack on my bottom. they then spank me hard with a hairbrush /hand and send me upsatairs to await another spanking from the other parent, but I must stay in the same clothes, standing in my room with the door open facing forwards.

I hope this gives other readers some advice. It certainly stops me misbehaving!
 

At the age of 31 I am still sometimes spanked across my bottom by my elderly, eccentric mother. Yes, even at 31 she feels I am not too old to have my jeans pulled down and a hairbrush slapped across my underpants. If I don't argue I at least am allowed to keep my pants on. Otherwise it is across my bare bottom, which I find humiliating.
 

I feel much compassion for the dear lady who wrote in to the feedback column in February that she had been spanked as a child, had discovered at 19 that it was sexually arousing to her to think about spankings, and was still a virgin at 30, in part because she felt she could never marry having such a kink.

Spankos, as we call them, often do marry and raise perfectly straightforward children, even children whom on occasion they feel they have to spank. Generally those who are aware of how arousing it is to them have the strength and wisdom to keep very clear boundaries when administering this sort of discipline. I know of one woman who was spanked abusively as a child and was always careful to tell her children when they stepped out of line that if they continued they risked a spanking, and if they continued to misbehave she would tell them "That is a five-spank offense" or however many spanks she thought was appropriate. She would then spank them in a very businesslike fashion, let them do their little dance, and then when they calmed down would hug them and tell them she loved them and that they had been punished so whatever they did that was naughty, the slate was clean.

This lady was very responsible and probably the woman who wrote in would be too. In all likelihood she would simply not discipline her children in that way, period, and that is certainly one way to go.

There is nothing morally wrong, however, with having spanking be part of her sexual relations with her husband. There are lots of things people do which are turn-ons for them that have nothing to do with "regular" sex as such but are part of the arousal play beforehand that can deeply enrich the closeness and intimacy of sex itself. Of course, it might be argued that for someone who thinks wanting to be spanked is very naughty, the best punishment is one that fits the offense perfectly, namely a spanking. This might have the very real effect both of assuaging the guilt (after all, even foreplay spankings can hurt!) and of deepening the bond between her and her husband. A kind husband will always be sensitive to his wife's needs and desires, and there is no sin in that; that's the way it's SUPPOSED to be, in Catholicism and any other religion I can think of.

I would also gently caution her not to jump to conclusions. Some people are simply going to find spankings sexy, and that seems to have no relationship to whether they were spanked or not: Of the enthusiastic spankos I know, some were spanked as children and some never were. Our sexuality is a gift from God, not a curse; providing we use it in accordance with what is good and lovely and true -- and certainly within the context of a loving relationship with one's husband, a spanking can be a wonderful thing, taking away tension and bringing the couple very close together -- we can enjoy that gift freely and with thanksgiving, rather than flee from it as Jonah did from the charge to go preach to Nineveh (and remember what happened to him!)

Of course, the Church has a long tradition of virtuous virgins too, and the choice to stay chaste in that way is not one I would fault PROVIDING it is a choice TO be chaste rather than a flight FROM accepting the individual sexuality with which God tries to bless us.
 

I am writing to respond to the 17 year old who gets spanked by his brother when he disobey him. It is also in responds to letter from a teenager who said he/she would rather be spank than told how much his/her parents worry about him. The 17 year old mentioned that when he left the his house after his crew he got 7 swats with the belt, even though he begged his brother not to spank. He knew it was wrong to break the rules and from past experience when he disobeyed he had received spanking. It sound like he wanted to enjoy the pleasures of disobeying his brother, but was not willing to except that painful punishment because he disobeyed. I think whether his brother is right or wrong he is old enough to know, "If you can’t do the time, don’t do the crime." In other words if he and other teenager do not like to be spank, don’t do things that will get them spank. As strange as this sound, even though I am 39 if a select few of my friends who know me and cared about me felt they need to spank me I would access why. On the off chance they would spank me it would only be for something that was really bad, and only because they care about me. Although I am far from perfect I do not mark on other people stuff, steal, or willingly deceive people. I do not do these things because I afraid of being punish; I just have respect for other people. I do understand why he does not like to be spank in front of others or on the bare-bottom. I think it would be nice if he and his brother could make a punishment contract, in which spankings are only used in an extreme cases.

One teenager said he would rather be spank than told how much his parents worried about him. I believe telling a child how much you care and want them to be the best they can be should be part of a spanking. I think there should be more to a spanking then hitting a person'sgcv behind. I think a good parents as well a good friends will let a person know when they are following the wrong path and why they do not want them to on that path. I have a couple some friends that will chew me out when I say or do things they do not they don’t like because they care. I do not like it but I appreciate that they care enough to do that. I think teenagers should be ground and have things taken away more than spank. However if a teenager or an adult wants to behave like a little kid, I do not see anything wrong with spanking them. I also think everybody needs to be told they are loved and care for and how worried people get when they believe they are on the wrong path.
 

Dear spank with love

I am a 30 year old man who live with his mum and my mum has never spanked me in my life but I so wish that I had, but my mum is so anti spanking, but I believe in it . the whole of my life I have been brought up to believe that spanking is wrong, but when I was very young about 4 years old my mother told me to get ready for nursery and I went and hid instead of getting ready for nursery because me and my sister used to always hide from my mum when we were young it was a game and she would come and find us, so I hid behind the clothes in her wardrobe and she came looking for me but she couldn't find me and I thought it was just a game, she called out my name several times but I didn't answer because I thought I was a game then she broke down and started crying because she thought that I been kidnapped and saw her crying from behind the wardrobe and I came out from behind the wardrobe and she stopped crying told me off, then took me to nursery I was only 4 years old when this happened. and to this day this memory still haunts me I am now 30 years old and after coming across your website I have now decided that I didn't really do anything wrong when hid from my mother and she should have spanked me for hiding from her. Then I would't be carrying around the guilt that I have been for all these years which puts me on to my next question how do I get my mother spank me? Not only for something that has happened in the past but for being so disrecptfull to her since I have moved back home she still has the power to make feel awful with her guilt trips and I have come to the conclusion that I don't deserve her guilt trips and I wish she would just spank me for my disrespectfulness and for what has happened in the past , but I know she is so anti spanking, but I would welcome a spanking from her but by now she would consider me to old for a spanking but I don't because after reading your website I now feel that I can benefit from a spanking, but my mum would obviously consider me to old for a spanking which is understandable but this means I will always be carrying the guilt she has given me around with me which I don't think I deserve.

Can you help me?

Your sincerely