Spanking, caning, beating. It's an historical topic nowhere better addressed than in the classic "The Life Of Dr.Johnson" by James Boswell. Johnson is quizzed about the subject by Boswell in the face of a public prosecution of a school master who seriously beat the boys in his classes.

Dr. Johnson, who was himself caned seriously, and even brutally, by his teacher, nonetheless defends whipping as an important part of both child raising and discipline. He asserts (see Boswell's Life of Johnson) that such punishment of boys is defensible. In fact, any other punishment (of the same quality for the same offense) is considerably undesirable, says Johnson. It is much less effective and desirable than corporal punishment. Indeed, the question is not whether physical punishment is humane, the question is whether the alternatives are better! Johnson thinks not. So do I.

Send the kid to his room? Deprive him of TV? Lecture him on the problems of his behavior? etc. etc. But kids have no problem foregoing any of the above activities. Lecture him? Well, that gets us into the rather nasty matter of psychological attacks.

Don't want to spank? What is it you have in mind to use to terminate bad behavior? Send him or her to the bedroom? Demand restrictions? Lecture the child on good behavior and moral activity? He can still curse you, ignore you, do his own private thing. He is still a rebel against authority. But there is, in fact, very little 'come-back' from any child after a good spanking! After that, not much can be said or thrown up in the parental face. And nothing rivets attention of a boy or girl like a spanking! Nothing. In fact, the alternative of psychological attack, personality assessments, comparisons with other siblings or other kids....all that is very, very destructive. A good spanking is over soon, with no lingering after-effects on a kid's mind or emotions.

Of course, a case can be made for the nasty effects of hitting anyone, as anti-spanking advocates always make. No doubt about it :Opponents of spanking go over it again and again. Who can disagree? But the question not addressed is just what are the alternatives?. Take a look and they are all much more brutal, ego-destroying, behavior destroying than a good hard spanking. The alternatives proposed attack a child's ego, his self, with lectures and restrictions that really make no impression.

So the question at last is not how undesirable spanking is versus any of the alternatives? But are the alternatives worse than a spanking? I think they are. Incredibly, so do most of the teens writing this site. Most parents would never have dreamt they would see such from teenagers.

Not sure? Okay. But just look at the overwhelming dominance of letters from teens on this site over the last 3 years! I mean letters from teens, even older ones, either supporting the spankings they get.,or asking the site to tell their parents how much they wish they did get real spankings.

Odd? Masochistic? Not really. These honest kids understand that a good, sharp, physical punishment is much more desirable than the psychological, emotional, ego-related on -going attacks that form the alternatives.

Hey, parents, your kids want a licking, not a lecture! Just read the letters on this site!.
 

Thank you for adding the note after "layer cake" under technique on your website. When I wrote my original April 30 e-mail, recommending the "layer cake" method, I was not even thinking about teens.

For one thing, parents for whom spanking is still an active regimen generally have their own particular technique, to which the children are accustomed, fully developed by the time children reach their teenage years. For another, my wife was instructing parents whose children were about half to three-quarters the age of the 16-year-old whose comments were posted in your June 2003 reader feedback section.

Actually, now that I think about it, when - as mentioned in my April 30 e-mail - we paddled our youngest (then a senior in high school) she did not cry either. However, by the time we finished, there was no doubt in anyone's mind that the message got through - much as I suspect it probably did with the 16-year-old. (Nevertheless. if you have any contact with her again, please offer her my sincerest apologies for giving her parents incomplete advice as that was not my intent.)

One of best things about your website is that it gives parents and children a springboard from which to discuss options. That is, along with the ability to modify instructions as needed, one reason - as I suggested in an earlier e-mail - why, despite their impermanence, websites are preferable to the fixed text in books. (Of course, the website could be downloaded onto a CD or printed in hardcopy, and treated in the manner of a college-style handout.)
 

A friend put me onto your site, and it is very good. Thanks! One of its best letter contributors, I think, is a young man who wrote 3 letters last September sequencing the development of spanking in his life as a teen. Honestly, the young man writes well, writes honestly, with lots of detail, and even humor. His last letter was in May of this year. In that he walked us all through his father's proposal to him one evening of something he called 'maintenance spankings.'

All other topics related to spanking have been covered by you and by the many letters to your website. But not this one. This one is unique. My friend that I mentioned is seriously thinking about it in regard to his 16 year old boy, and he has urged me to do the same with my 17 year old. The two boys are pals. Both get paddled bare bottom, but rarely. Still, they both know it can happen. They both accept it as good for them and much better than being grounded or lectured.

My friend and I are still talking it over, weighing the pros and cons. Like a lot of teens, our boys don't think much about consequences, so they mindlessly get caught up in one much less than desirable activity after another. And of course, there is much, much they are not caught at. So they both could really use something to remind them of consequences regularly, and to make them much more mindful and reflective on a daily basis. And as well also to clear the slate of the many things they do and not been punished for.

The two boys are constant pals, so what happens with one is now of importance to what happens to the other. So, before my friend and I commit to maintenance spankings we are wondering how the boy who originally raised the topic in May feels about it all now. What was decided about it in his own home? How does it work? What are the steps and procedures involved? Is a maintenance spanking for him more a symbolic reminder than a real punishment -- ie. with little pain? If he gets them, what is involved and what does he think about it ?

At no other place on your site than this young man's candid, even humorous, letters is the topic of maintenance spankings ever mentioned. My friend and I do not want to start it all with our boys, then drop it later. But it is hard for us to decide the matter without getting feedback from a teen who experiences it, who knows what it is all about.

We'd like to move on about this topic and would appreciate help. As above, we feel we cannot do it with one of our boys and not the other: their lives are too intertwined. We'd like some evaluations of this idea. Thanks.

(SWL's reply, July 30, 2003:)

If you're interested in my opinion on "maintenance spankings", I'm strongly against them. A punishment - any punishment - should be fair, above all. Fairness means it must be well deserved, and in proportion to the offense committed. If there was no offense, there should be no punishment. Spankings are among the hardest punishments available and should be given only for major offenses, if at all.

Do you know the principle "in dubio pro reo"? Because of this principle, it is never morally justifyable to give a punishment for unknown or unproven offenses. Imagine your state incarcerated every citizen regularly, say once a year for a duration of three days, "as a reminder", or "for the crimes they may have committed but were not caught"!

K's father violated the punishment agreement they made. "Maintenance spankings", of course, were never a part of it.

If you and your friend think your boys may need a reminder, it should be no more than that - a reminder. Verbal. That's my POV.

SWL

(in another mail, July 30, 2003:)

And thank you for a prompt and well articulated response. You are quite right, and your arguments are irrefutable. Moreover, I'd forgotten the issue of the agreement. Dad did break it, and everyone who reads your site knows it. I can't believe he has thought it through himself. Hopefully you shared the ideas you have written here with the 17 year old so that he may use them. And, as I suspect there are others than my friend and I thinking about the topic since he wrote, perhaps you should put this letter of yours on the site inserted after his own. Or, if you wish, put it after my letter if you put that on the site. Of course, if you don't put mine on the site that is fine with me. Now I'm kind of ashamed of it. Again, thanks.
 

Hi..i am aware that your website is basically the pros of spanking a child or teenager. But here is a good message to parents. When you spank a child you are sending out a strong message that your childs behavior is wrong. That is the what most punishments are used for. But what achieved? after a spanking a child will know never to do what he/she was spanked for again. but what will they do instead? By spanking you are not giving your child and choices. They no not to commit the act but dont know what to do instead. Say your child draws on a wall. You can sit your child down and discuss the consequences. Then you can tell your child better choices he / she can make...like drawing a picture on paper for the refridgerator. Give your child options so that he/ she can make better choices in the future. By spanking you are eliminating the childs ability to make the btter choice and to understand the consequence of making a bad choice. see the difference...??

Also the only thing a child will learn from it is that hitting is okay. You wouldnt expect your son or daughter to hit another child at school for calling them a name. All they learn from spanking is that hitting is a good way to teach someone else not to commit an act. Plus if you dont think that it is right for someone else to hit your kids then why is okay for you to hit your kids? Hitting is morally wrong. Parents can lose control whether they have love behind them or not. It is in our nature to become angry. When hitting a child a parent can become over aggressive and that can lead to abuse. Also a spanking can be traumatic for a child. They could then grown up with many anger or emotional dissabilities. Both of my parents have that problem yet i was only hit 2 times my entire life. Ididnt learn anything from that except dont do it. btu i didnt know what to do instead. Instead give your child the choice and a civil punishment like a chore or losing a toy for a month. Then sit down with your child and discuss alternatives to bad behavior...it worked for me and i didnt have to be in physical pain either. think about it!

Please take this to consideration and show it to people. they should hear the other side of the argument also.

thanks and stop spanking
 

You have an informative and useful site. Family discipline is a difficult area for most parents and your site will be a great help to those who decide to spank. As a father of two boys living in Scotland, I was frequently spanked when I was growing up and now believe that it is the effective way with my own kids.

Clear and consistent rules really help take away the doubt and concern and reduce arguments in the home. I made sure that as soon as possible the boys knew and understood what they would punished for; Disobedience, Dishonesty, Disrespect, and Lack of attention and effort at School and Bible class.

They were always punished the same consistent way between the ages of 3 and 14.; over the knee, spanked twice their age on the bare bottom, and sent to their room to reflect on what the had done.

In a busy home I did find it useful to note down what they were each punished for, to help monitor any behaviour trends and be able to do something about it. So far the boys have grown up happy, secure, and more importantly with good self discipline.

I hope people who use this site might find my experience simple, useful and straightforward.

(from Scotland)
 

Dear SWL,

On 11-01-2003 and 26-01-2003 I wrote to you about my spankings. In the meantime I am now a girl of 17 years old. In the first letter I mentioned that I had improved my behavior in such a way that I deed not earn a spanking in the last 3 month.

And now 5½ month later I stil have not gotten a spanking. I am very pleased and so are my parents an especially my mom. I am now quit sure that I will never be spanked again,because my behavior has improved so much.

In a letter of 16-02-2003 (that I read recently) Dr A stated that it sounds that I enjoyed my spankings, but that is absolutely not true. The only thing was that (when I was very naughty) I preferred a spanking instaed of other punishments. At the same time I learned from your site that another 16-year old girl still get spanked on her bare bottom.

I asked my mom about the meaning of "S&M" (Dr A referred to) and after she explained this I know that these practices has nothing to do with my mom or me.

But I am still glad that my parents raise my brother and me in the strict way they did and do.

Still with love

E(...)

(from the Netherlands)
 

hey,

ok, im a 15 year old guy. ive never exactly been an angel, and my mum has never hardly ever punished me so ive pretty much done what i want my whole life (dont worry i never did anythign very bad). a few days ago my mum was looking on the net for help with punishing me (got in trouble at school) and she found the punishment selector site and it picked spanking. so i ended up getting spanked with a stick/switch whatever u wanna call it. i dont consider myself a pussy or anything, but it stung like hell but she just kept on smacking me with it, and i ended up in tears. when she stopped i just stormed off into my room. now as u can imagine i was pretty shocked, id hardly been punished ever and my mum just suddenly comes up and spanks me. i was so embarassed, you would never know how embarassed i felt, and after a while and the stinging finally stopped i was thinking about it and i started crying from being so embarassed (i was already pretty messed up so i started crying pretty easily). i stayed in my room for the rest of the night cause i was too embarassed to show my face and i was sooooo pissed off at my mum. i locked my door and stuff cause i didnt want her to walk in and see me sitting on a cushion which would only have satisfied her. so the next morning i felt a little better and i did go down and my mum didnt do much except mention a few things about hoping id learned my lesson or something. so anyway that day i came home from school with another detention for skipping school, and she spanked me again. now this was even worse because i already had bruises on my butt from the day before. so i ended up in tears again and i i stormed off to my room again. i hate it after i get the spanking cause i dont wanna look at my mum cause its so embarassing and plus im crying. so i spend the rest of the day in my room feeling embarassed and pissed off at my mum. the next day i didnt get in trouble at school or anything, but on the way home i was thinking of ways to get my mum to stop spanking me so i went home and started swearing and stuff to try and get her to spank me so that i could show it didnt hurt and that it didnt work. she did spank me again and i ended up in tears which kinda made my plan backfire. it was pretty stupid cause i thought i would be able to just hold in the tears but she just kept smacking and smacking and i couldnt. but this time instead of going to my room i went and lay on the couch and cried cause i didnt want to have to go to my room for the rest of the day cause i was sick of it, plus if i did it would be to shameful to come out again. so after i stopped crying i went out of the lounge and i saw my mum and i was so pissed off at her but i didnt do anything (normally i would have swore my ass off at her) and now shes using that as an excuse to say its working. anyway ive managed to behave lately and havnt had a spanking since which is good cause the bruises are still there, but now she knows its working and shes going to keep it as my punishment. i know im going to end up getting into trouble somehow soon and end up getting spanked for it and i seriously dont want that to happen so ive been trying to figure out ways to get her think it doesnt work. i dont want to do anything like my first idea cause that didnt work and its probably why the bruises havnt gone yet. i feel pretty stuck though cause if i do get in trouble i get spanked and its so hard to behave properly all the time. ive posted a few places on the net for help and everyones just said to behave and i wont get spanked, and i know its obviously true but im not used to getting punished like this and i cant stand it and behaving isnt as easy as it sounds...........anyway please help :(

thanks.

(in another mail, July 30, 2003:)

hey,

thanks for ur reply. i did show my mum ur site she was reading it for quite a while. it didnt seem to have any affect on her or anythin cause she never said anything, but i got in trouble today after i got into an argument with my mum over homework (lol) and she got pretty mad but she grounded me for a week so i never got smacked. when i asked her why she suddenly changed her mind about spanking she said she "had her reasons" so i think she must have changed her mind about the site. she said ill still get spanked if i do some stupid stuff or something but not often. being grounded stinks, but im allowed on the computer for homework.........so suddenly im getting a lot of homework LOL.

anywayz thanks for ur reply, and changing my mums views on spanking :)
 

(Note: this letter is not anonymized on special request)

Dear Sir

Please place the following message on your 'readers feedback page'. Please do NOT remove my e-mail address since I prefer to correspond with parents direct.

I recently married a woman who has been widowed for a number of years. She has two sons aged 12 and 9. Neither boy has ever experienced corporal punishment of any kind.

My wife has recently become a convert to the idea of using moderate corporal punishemnt, at lest as a last resort. This has been the result of talking to another parent who found it effective. My wife also seems to think that if it is to be administered then I would be the more appropriate person to do so.

I remain less certain about the effectiveness of corporal punishment, but I try to keep an open mind on the issue. My main concern, however, is the impact that the use of corporal punishment might have on the process of cementing a relationship with the boys as their new 'father'.

Any advice or thoughts would be appreciated. Please feel free to correspond dirct with myself on [email protected]

Regards

Matt

(in another mail, July 30, 2003)

Dear SWL

Thanks for your further advice. It often takes someone outside the situation to come up with the obvious solution: ask the boys themselves. This seems extremely sensible and I like the idea. We could also ask whether they would prefer their mother to be present.

I am not clear whether you are suggesting asking the boys at the time of punishment, or whether to bring up the subject when no punishment is due. My own feeling is that perhaps the latter is better. The boys can then give the matter some calm consideration. At the time of a punishment their minds are bound to be clouded by fear and also perhaps anger and resentment.

On the subject of embarrassment, I have to say that curiously I find it a slightly embarrassing proposition talking to the boys about this issue! I am not sure where that is coming from. However this is something I think I should overcome.

As regards whether to spank the boys through clothing, I have noted the advice on your site on this issue. My instinct is to spank through clothing, at least on the first occasion. I think both the boy and I would feel more comfortable with this. I would then preserve punishments on the bare bottom as the 'ultimate sanction' only for very serious offences.

Thanks again.

Matt

(in another mail, July 31, 2003)

Dear SWL

Thanks for your further message. I have spoken to the boys and I thought you might be interested in the outcome.

In the event the conversation was far more easy than I had ever imagined. What made it easier was that there was a minor instance of misbehaviour on the part of the older boy to which we could link the conversation.

After the incident of naughtiness (which wouldn't in itself have warranted a spanking) my wife and I sat down with both boys and said that in future we might use corporal punishment as a sanction. I left my wife to do most of the talking. Neither boy seemed shocked, but perhaps surprised. Obviously they were not at all keen on the idea and there was some awkward fidgeting at the news. They did however seem accepting.

We asked the boys to think about what should happen if we ever need to do it. In particular we asked them who should do it and if we should both be present. Neither boy had an answer immediately. The oldest wanted to know exactly what we meant by spanking and I explained it would mean smacking his bottom until it was sore. We did not specify more than that.

We talked for a few minutes and then went our separate ways, both boys going upstairs, possibly to consult. About an hour later, when I was sitting alone, both boys came to me with their decision. The oldest started by asking if spanking meant having to undress at all. I said that sometimes it might, if they were in really big trouble. At that they both said they definitely did not want their mother involved. They were very keen that if it had to be done, they wanted it done as privately as possible. I told them I thought this to be a reasonable request and suggested that if it ever has to happen it will be in their bedroom, with no one present but myself and, of course, the boy in question.

I got the distinct impression that the older boy's primary concern was modesty (he clearly hated the idea of undressing) and the youngest's was just the pain (that's what he asked about). I suppose this is to be expected given their ages.

I suspect it is now more a question of when rather than if a spanking occurs. When it does, then at least in the case of the older boy I think it has to be done with as much attention as possible to his modesty and privacy.

Thanks again for your interest.

Matt
 

I am a 12 year old girl and I regularly get spanked by my dad who has raised me all my life. I know I am going to get a spanking when he sends me up to my room and tells me to wait for him there. When he does get there he has his slipper in his hand, before I get the spanking he tells me what I have done to earn it and why he is using the slipper to administrate enough pain so that I will recognise my wrong-doing and not do it again. I then get turned across his knee and have my trousers/skirt pulled down along with my pants and then he administrates the spanking which stings very badly and by the time he has finished I am always crying but now I know what I have done wrong and know not to do it again and I have to say that even though I don't like being spanked I know that I was in the wrong and have fully deserved it and when I tell this to my dad he is always proud that I have admitted to doing wrong and that I received well-deserved discipline.
 

Hi --

I just discovered your site and found it both thought-provoking and amusing, and certainly complete. One fairly unique section "How can I get my parents to spank me?" -- particularly struck a responsive chord with me, inasmuch as it reminded me of an event out of my own life. As a result, I thought it might prove instructive to share that memory - because this event actually happened. Maybe someone can even learn from my mistake. If you deem this appropriate, feel free to post this incident in your ‘feedback’ section. You may also list my email if you think anyone might wish to pose serious questions.

When I was growing up during the late 60s, parental spankings were still a common aspect of most children’s' lives. Certainly that was true in my house, where my parents exercised a loving but fairly strict control over my behavior by spanking me for any serious infractions. And for me, this disciplinary approach worked because I feared it more than enough to generally go out of my way to avoid giving my parents -- and particularly my dad -- cause to spank me.

That's why I have never been able to understand why I also developed a masochistic fascination with spankings as a youngster. Even from an early age (at least 5) I thought about spanking a LOT. I also gradually became aware that I not only enjoyed seeing or hearing about other kids getting spanked, but thinking about my own occasional spankings and, more and more as I got older, fantasizing about being spanked.

By the time I was 9, I had also secretly started collecting magazine and newspaper cartoons, pictures, and stories about spanking and juvenile corporal punishment in all settings: home, school, and (from newspapers and books) judicial. And whenever I was alone for a few hours, increasingly, I pulled these materials out from my attic hideaway and thought about them, envisioning myself as the person being punished. Initially at least, there was nothing sexual in these fantasies -- or at least nothing I was yet able to recognize in that way -- but by the time I had my first teen wet dream, spanking was its central theme. And gradually, but irresistibly, such nighttime dreams and daytime fantasies became an obsession, albeit, still one I didn't understand or yet have a name for.

In fact, so pervasive were these fantasies that I started to risk spankings by gradually but secretly, during things that I knew my parents had always considered spanking offenses. I still feared actually BEING spanked, but more and more, I recognized that I found pleasure in THINKING about being spanked, and that these thoughts were growing more and more intense and compelling. And most compelling of all became my fantasy of facing my father and ASKING to be spanked.

Between the age of 10 and 14, when things came to a head, this latter fantasy came to drive my evolving, if still unnamed and misunderstood masochism. In fact, I imagined the scenario over and over. I would go to my father while we were alone (my mother had changed her attitude towards spanking and had stopped using them by the time I was 8, and had since had fights with my dad over the issue), and convince him to spank me, and he would oblige me -- with satisfaction.

Three points of clarification: first, by the time I was 10, spankings had virtually stopped even for serious offenses, and totally and officially stopped by the time I turned 13. Second, while both my parents had believed and used spanking earlier, even my father never used it often or abusively. And third, in spite of gradually escalating my secret pattern of misbehaviors, none were ever discovered, or at least evolved into a confrontation resulting in a spanking, leaving me with increasingly mixed feelings.

Yet in my fantasies, I imagined that my dad did discover these, and continued or reinstituted spankings, and secretly enjoyed the power he derived by spanking me, having only stopped due to pressure from mom. Also, like many kids moving into their teens, my early teens were not a happy time. I didn't understand myself, alternately wishing to rebel and seize the power and perks of adulthood, while also craving the structure and certainties of childhood. Even though I rarely got into real hot water or was caught in serious misbehavior, as I got older, I became an 'attitude on two feet', and seemed to constantly be mad at -- and be the recipient -- of sullen or angry exchanges with my parents, particularly my dad. In short, in my fantasies at least, I imagined my father fantasizing about the satisfactions he would derive if he could deal with my attitudes as though I were still a little boy -- across his knee.

Finally, as I've said, things came to a head the summer I was 14 and half, and found myself at home alone with dad for a week while mom was away visiting my grandmother. Realizing a unique opportunity, I decided to finally face my father.

I thought about it for days before hand, planning my approach. In my mind, I envisioned myself mentioning that my civics class that past spring had studied the topic of corporal punishment and changing attitudes, and that I had found it eye opening when I learned from the poll we had participated in that a lot of kids my age were still spanked. I imagined asking dad what HE thought, and whether HIS attitudes had changed -- then working the conversation over to why, if he had previously spanked me because he had found spanking to be an effective method of discipline, had he stopped. In my planning I saw myself admitting that I HAD certainly found spanking effective in changing MY behavior, and that while I had never enjoyed such spankings, I also had to say that they had been fairly earned.

I then imagined myself telling dad how much I sometimes wished thing could again be as when I was younger, paying for my misbehavior through the painful but quick means of a spanking, after which all had been forgiven and the air cleared. I thought I'd then tell him, that by contrast, as an often angry and sullen teen -- seemingly at constant verbal war with he and mom (and by then, subject to other forms of discipline, like grounding and lost perks, none of which I found as effective or quickly and cleanly resolved as a spanking) -- I often "almost" wished I could be ttrreated instead as an 8 or 9 year old again.

Then I imagined admitting to my father that I also wished such a return to earlier methods were possible because I had a "lot of unresolved guilt I had been carrying around inside my head, and wished I could so easily pay off". In my mind's eye, I saw my father demanding to know what guilt -- and flooding him with an embellished and even made up list of sins: ranging from having gotten away with dropping pebbles from a local overpass onto cars passing below (and cracking one car's windshield), to uncaught incidents of childhood shoplifting, lying, and goofing off on school studies.

And in my mind's eye, the outcome of this would be that my father would coldly smile at me, suddenly reach out and grab me, force my arm behind my back and powerfully overcoming my resistance, manhandle me over his knee, drag down my pants, and give me the tanning of my life. Moreover in my 'planning fantasy', after the spanking, dad would later walk into my bedroom where I'd still be crying, and informed me that, in light of our "exchange", he'd had decided that I obviously WASN'T too big to benefit from a spanking, and was therefore going to institute a "few changes" in my life. At this point in my mind's eye, my dad would admit that he had not only been surprised at how effective spanking me had proven, but that he had also found the 'reestablishment of our earlier father-son relationship, surprisingly 'satisfying', in that it had not only cleared the air and 'rebalanced the books of justice', but that it had allowed him to get rid of his own up-to-then repressed anger and frustrations toward me.

As a result, I imagined him then informing me that he was going to try 'an experiment' -- for 'at least' the next three months I would be 'sentenced' to be treated as a 9 year old again. Moreover, under this new regime, which would be administered without my mom's knowledge and only when we were alone, I'd be treated not simply as I actually had been at 9, but rather as a 9 year old boy in 'the good old days' would have been treated. In my planning fantasy, dad explained that this meant that I'd be spanked for any and ALL misbehavior or attitude problems, with the only difference being variations in how severely I was punished. In my daydream dad then made clear that part of his experiment would be to introduce to old fashion methods and disciplinary scenarios, including my introduction to things like woodsheds, old time 'tools' like a razor strop, wooden hairbrush, and hickory switch. In my daydream, he also informed me that if I misbehaved when we were alone, I'd be spanked on the spot, but that I could also count on weekly 'reviews' of my behavior.

Finally, he said that although he and mom he never spanked me for poor grades -- believing that as long as a child 'tried' he shouldn't be penalized for not understanding -- that too would now change. In the future (I imagined him informing me) the 'burden of proof' would be on me to PROVE I had truly tried my best. And for every D I brought home, I could thereafter count on earning 15 spanks, while any F's would get me another 20 spanks apiece. Moreover, I imagined him telling me, these new procedures would remain in effect for the full three months of the experimental period, no matter how much I might change my own mind about the desirability of spanking. And at the end of that period, he and he alone would decide whether the experiment should cease, be extended for another three months, or MADE PERMANENT.

So intense was this 'planning fantasy' that I finally actually screwed up my nerve, bit the bullet, and -- in reality -- opened my planned dialog with my father, convinced that I could make my fantasies into reality.

The ensuing conversation lasted about an hour. Unfortunately, four hours later, dad dragged me into our family doctor's office: the beginning of what later evolved into numerous tests (for a brain tumor, among other things) and eventually a LONG series of therapy relationships with one psychologist after another -- unfortunately culminating in no clear resolution. Worse than that, my 'moment of candor' impacted and strained my relationship with my dad, my mom, had ripple effects throughout the rest of the family, and even with many of my teachers at school, and largely messed up my life for a LOT of years.

The long and the short of my cautionary tale is this, if you have fantasies like mine --- SIT ON THEM. Silence may be frustrating, but sometimes keeping certain thoughts to yourself is definitely the wiser course.

Curt
 

(Note: this letter is not anonymized on special request)

Dear sir or madam,

i`m a german teenage girl and be often very naugty and bad to my mom - my dad dies 4 years ago. When my mother want to punish me, i get grounded or less of privilegs or so. But i think that it is better for me she would spank me.

Things like less of privilegs or grounding or so don't change my behaviour and often i feel that it were better my mother would spank me. I think that spankings would change my mind and i would be a better girl if the spanks me. And i think that this would teach me a better lesson than the other things i'm punished. So i would like to aks you if you can give/send me more ideas and information so that i can make sure if it is really the right punishment for me and how it can be done. Can you also tell me how i can talk about that to my mom and how i can convince she to spank me.

Thank you very much - you can publish my e-mail adress so that other girls can wrote me how that's been in their family.

Sorry for my bad english,

Ulrike

(from Germany)
 

(Note: this letter is not anonymized on special request)

Dear Spank With Love Website,

First I would like to praise you for the wonderful website you have created! It is definitely the most usefull one on the web. You should be very proud!

Before I get started, I should probably tell you a little bit about myself and my family. I am a 37 year old married woman named Grace. I am the proud mother of four great children whom I love very much. I am currently a stay at home mother to care for my kids while my husband, Dan, works as a well-known pediatrician in our city. My husband and I are 100% pro-spanking, but we do not, however, support the abuse of children. There is a VERY BIG DIFFERENCE between spanking children and abusing children. I have a ten year old daughter Merideth, an eight year old son Jake, a seven year old son Tyler, and a 4 year old daughter Emma. Our children are like most other kids their age, and can sometimes be disobedient. Not only do my husband and I spank our own children, but my husband also recommends spanking to the parents of his patients.

Since I am a stay at home mom, I am mostly the one who takes care of spanking our kids. On average, I usually have to spank at least one of our children about every other day. Each individual child recieves about 1-3 spankings each week. I almost always spank my children in the legs-up or also known as the "diaper" position because I find it the easiest way for me to deliver an appropriate spanking.

When a child breaks a rule, I usually tell him or her to stop it or else they will recieve a spanking. If the child does not refrain from what he or she is doing, I tell them that they are going to get a spanking for not following the rules. I then take them to their bedroom or to another private room, and tell them to put on their pajamas; no matter what time of day it is. I then lay the child on their bed and begin spanking him or her on the bare bottom with my hand, in the diaper positon. I am strongly against any objects other than the hand to deliver spankings. After the spanking is finished, I then hug the child and tell him or her how much I love them, and completely explain why they were spanked.

Usually that is enough, but depending on the offense, I might call a babysitter to come and watch the child for the rest of the day, while everyone else goes on with their scheduled plans. Also, sometimes I will have the child drink baby formula from a bottle for dinner that evening. I only do this for more serious offenses to get the point accross that their behavior was wrong and will not be tolerated in the future.

My husband and I usually follow the method above when spanking our children at home, but sometimes our children act up when we are out in public, so we have an alternative when we are away from our house. If we are at a store, a restaraunt, church etc, we calmly take the child to the restroom and spank them there. I would like to suggest the position that we prefer while spanking our children in public areas. We have the child face a bathroom wall, with their arms stretched out in front of them, and put his or her palms against the wall. (kind of like a push-up postion while standing) Then I stand facing the left side of the child's body. I then wrap my left arm around the child's waist/stomach area to support the child while being spanked. Using my right hand, I begin to spank the child.

I find this position very usefull and effective because both the wall and my left arm are supporting the child's body so that no injuries occur. This position can also be very helpful when in a car. If I am driving and one of the kids misbehave, I simply pull off to the side of the road and make the child assume the position described above. Instead of leaning agains the wall, I have the child lean against the side of the car. This is also very useful when you are traveling.

I already had to spank my older daughter, Merideth today. I went into her room to wake her up, and when I kindly asked her to get up and get ready for church, she replied, "Okay, just five more minutes." After eight minutes had passed and Merideth still wasn't out of bed, I calmly went into her room and said, "Merideth, please get up and go eat breakfast right now or else you will be spanked." She defiantly looked at me and said, "Nooo! Shut-up and go away!!" (even though she knows she isn't allowed to talk to her parents like that) I then told her I was going to spank her for disobeying me and she reluctantly cooperated as usual. I gave her around 20 hard smacks on her bare bottom, diaper style, and then hugged her when I was done. She immediatly hurried down stairs to eat breakfast like I had asked her to.

I would just like to make it clear that I do not in any way enjoy spanking my children at all, but sometimes, it is neccessary. My kids have learned not to argue or resist spankings, because that only makes them more servere. I started spanking each of my kids when they were about two, and I will probably continue spanking them until my husband and I feel it is no longer neccessary. I think that spankings are the most effective way to correct my children's poor behavior.

If you would like to put this on your website, that would be great! Don't worry about keeping my e-mail address annonymous becuase I would be more than glad to give anyone advice. Thank you so much! (I'm sorry about such a long letter!)

Grace
 

The best way of preventing these dominant and inmature parents from keeping torturing their poor kids is fighting them off this disgusting behaviour. Believe me, if you are in your teens and your parents are still spanking you is just because they get sexually excited. There should be a law in the States to protect you from these terrible abuses, but as far as there is not, you must take into consideration that you are human beings and you deserve respect under any circumstances. If your parents want to spank you believe me, they are kid molesters. The best thing you can do to help them is fight them off with all your strength.
 

when I was growning up my dad used babyoil or sometimes water to make the spanking sting more. He found out that he could spank less hard but get more of a sting out of it. My mom also used water as she did not have a great arm. she had a spray bottle that she would spritz on the water and lay on her hand or small paddle.

WOW!!! it stings like the dickens. Just wanted to share that with the reader about making the spanking sting without having to hit harder.

(...)
 

Spanking and sexual abuse are terms that aren't generally categorized together. The average person knows that sexual abuse is damaging and illegal, whereas spanking is still legal and widely practiced. As a psychotherapist working with children and families, I frequently encounter parents who spank their children, and I am often frustrated by their casual assertions that this practice is harmless and necessary.

Mental health professionals, however, seem fairly united in believing that spanking is damaging and some even suggest that spanking teaches kids that it's OK to hit when frustrated. But I believe that the damage can go well beyond that and spanking is actually a sexualized form of abuse.

To begin with, something many counselors, parents and teachers say to children to help prevent sexual abuse is that their private parts are any part of the body that would be covered if they were wearing a bathing suit. Obviously, the genitals are the areas of most concern. However, the buttocks are also covered by a bathing suit and, in general, children are taught not to touch people there or to display this part of the body in front of others.

Of course, when children are very young they need help with bathing and toilet hygiene, thus some contact from parents is necessary. But many parents spank their children well beyond the age where such intimate touch is appropriate.

And what happens when a child is spanked? This area of the body which they've been taught is private is suddenly touched forcefully by an adult. And the child is told it's OK. All of a sudden, things are rather confusing.

Carry it one step further and you have adults pulling down children's pants to spank bare buttocks. First of all, having your pants suddenly yanked down isn't much different than having your clothes torn off by a rapist. Parents commit these symbolic rapes routinely. To be treated in such an intrusive manner is to feel profoundly disrespected.

And then this protected, private part of the body is not only being exposed, but also brutally stimulated. Some adults think that humiliation should be part of this so-called learning process. They may have the child perform accompanying rituals such as having to go and get the belt or paddle to be used on them, to pull down their own pants or to count the blows aloud.

When this occurs, obviously the adult has gone beyond punishment. Indeed, I believe they've crossed the line into pleasure -- their own pleasure -- the sadistic thrill of exerting power over a weaker being.

Although pain, humiliation and fear are the victim's main responses, there may also be a certain element of excitement, though virtually unconscious in comparison to the shame, anger and helplessness that flood the senses.

This bewildering blend may manifest itself in many dysfunctional ways in later childhood and adulthood. Just look at our culture for evidence. Pick up the weekly arts newspaper in large cities and find an expensive buffet of kinky thrills to choose from. There are many clubs where one can go to be spanked, whipped or humiliated. Phone sex lines dealing with this theme abound. The "scene," as participants in sadomasochism call it, is gradually becoming more noticeable and accepted.

And while I believe that consenting adults should be able to do what they want in private, obsessions with fetishes can dilute true, sexual, emotional intimacy. And accidents do happen and people do get hurt, physically and psychologically. Ultimately, I believe sadomasochism is a cultural symptom of something being wrong -- something in our sexual upbringing. Because this dimension of the anti-spanking outlook is rarely examined, it is likely that many therapists ignore it.

It is certainly true, however, that spanking can affect children differently. The sensitivity of the victim, the comfort with touching and nudity in the family and relationship with the perpetrator all impact how this socially accepted form of punishment will affect the child.

Context is also important to consider. For example, children living in severely abusive homes may feel that being spanked is the least of their problems, and they may be right. Others have been brainwashed by their parents and other authorities into believing the beatings were necessary, and therefore the trauma is repressed. But there are plenty of other kids and adults who became embarrassed and uncomfortable in discussing this subject. The shame is just below the surface, and the memory of helpless humiliation is too intense for casual discussion.

Therapists also need to become more comfortable with this topic. It's easy to let a client's casual mention of past spanking go by without exploring details and emotional results. Many clients, consciously or unconsciously, are adept at minimizing their abuse histories and lull clinicians into believing them. Using displacement communication, the technique of speaking hypothetically about traumas and their potential effects, allows the therapist to validate such experiences as traumatic, paving the way for a client to disclose anything they may be withholding.

Indeed, mental health providers need to approach this issue of spanking with the same dedication usually reserved for more "serious" forms of sexual abuse. I believe the effects will ultimately benefit the individual client as well as society at large.
 

When my husband and I divorced four years ago, I spoiled our son, J(...), who was 8 at that time, knowing how the separation had impacted him. However, I soon came to realize that I was not doing him any good, and he was starting to get out of hand. I decided that I needed to start disciplining him, and spanking became one form of punishement that I used. While J(...) of course does not like it when he is spanked, he has always accepted it, realizing that he does need the discipline. A few months ago, J(...) happened to find this website and read the dialogue on spanking the bare buttocks. At that time, I did not spank J(...) on the bare, but he shared the site with me we both agreed it really would make his spankings more effective. I have since spanked J(...) on the bare bottom and he frankly admitted that it does him more good than being spanked clothed. I strongly urge those parents that might hesitate to spank bare to do so.
 

Hi. I am writing to ask about how to have my parents spank me. My parents are pretty clueless about my behaviors. They think I am a good kid because I get good grades and don't get in trouble in school. They don't know I've done stuff like cheating and shoplifting and stuff. I've been kind of out of control for a long time, but they don't know it.

What I read in the teen section makes me think I could use a good hard spanking. But how do you teach parents who don't spank to try it? And, how will they know how many spanks to give? I'm afraid if they do it too hard, it's really going to hurt, but if they go too light, I might respect them even less. What do you recommend? By the way, I saw that some parents use objects like hairbrushes. That seems pretty harsh. Is a hand good enough? I want my parents to take control, not abuse me.

Thanks.

S.