I am an 18 year old male, who is going to ask my mom to spank me in a few days. It has been over a decade since I've been spanked. I am going to be spanked on the bare bottom, with her hand, belt, and ping pong paddle. What is the best way for her to initate the spanking?
 

I have read your website with interest and especially appreciate the innovation of "layer caking." In our home, my son S*** and I call them a "motivational sessions" (he’s 11). As background, I’m a single mom. I learned the hard way that our old no-spank rule got in the way of setting clear boundaries and consequences. Grounding and time-outs require a full-time mom to enforce them. As a teacher, I simply don’t have the time. We started spankings about a year ago, following a shoplifting incident. I spanked frequently during the first few weeks, as my son tested me. After that, spankings became infrequent - maybe twice a month.

I introduced "layer caking" through a long heart-to-heart with my son. In addition to punishment spankings, we would be having "motivational sessions" from time to time. He was very curious and asked lots of questions. I’m sure he didn’t like the idea. I expected a big emotional reaction, but all I got was a shrug and a "whatever." (See the attitude?) I asked my neighbor, with four kids of his own, to help with an implement. I know Spank With Love advocates hand spankings, but I wanted the symbolism. We ended up with a 15" by 8" paddle made from thin pegboard. The paddle, which I named The Motivator in honor of our new governor here in California, is more a stinger than a bun-buster. <ü> Our "test run" actually surprised my son. Getting ready for bed (he sleeps in his underpants), I called him into my bedroom. I think he thought I would just show him how we would do motivational sessions in the future. He knelt on a pillow next to where I sat on the bed. In this way, he had to look up to me. I told him I expected the same respect from him at home that I expect from my students at school. I said I knew he could be more respectful when talking to me. You’re a leader, I told him. I knew he didn’t need to follow the bad examples of some of his school pals.

Then it was time for The Motivator. He put himself down over my lap, which is how we handle punishment spankings. I pulled the elastic band down in back, also standard procedure. He protested, which actually surprised me, when I applied The Motivator. I gave strokes until he became weepy. I pulled up his underpants and had him kneel again. He called me mean and said he hated me. I told him I was sorry he didn’t realize this session was for real, but quickly added that his disrespectful reaction was exactly why we needed a true motivational session right now. We talked about recent episodes of disrespect. None deserved a spanking all by itself, but I said I didn’t like the trend. He slowly agreed.

So over he went for a second round with The Motivator. Kneeling afterwards, he regained his composure quickly (I didn’t spank him all that long) and we talked specifically about how he could treat me with more respect in the future. We agreed on a signal, which we could use anywhere. Whenever his talk became disrespectful, I would say "Ouch!" Three ouches in a week meant an appointment with Thumper, my son’s heavier punishment paddle.

Then over he went for a third and final session with The Motivator. This one came close to a real spanking (the Thumper kind) because of the duration, with tears flowing freely. The motivational session worked so effectively, we’ve had two more: one for homework and another for keeping the house tidy.

I think it’s key for parents and children to understand that "layer caking" or "motivational sessions" are not like punishment spankings. They are directed, focused discussions about attitudes and behaviors with an emphasis on future behavior, not past misconduct. A motivational session shapes future behavior in a desired way.
 

hi my name is j(...), i just wanted to you give my story and tell you how i am spanked and maybe give some ideas, well i live with my sister in law and brother cause my parents died when i was younger, at 10, about six months later i got my first spanking by my sister in law cause my brother said that she would alwyas do it, for example the other day i got caught cheating which i really wasnt but the school called her and when i got home she told me that i could either be grounded now that i am 15 or get all of my priveldges taken away or get spanked and of couse i chose the corporal punishment, my brother was still working so she told me to go to my room and get ready, when i go to my room i put on some shorts and wait for her to come up, she comes up with her paddle (its long and wooden and has some holes in it), it hurts like crazy, anyway.... we talk about what i did and she tells me that it was wrong and then we pray but she never gives me the "this will hurt me more then you" she tells me that this is going to hurt and i will cry and be red and i may even bruise but not usually she then makes me face her, she pulls down my shorts and turns me around, she then stands up and takes down my underwear and makes me lean over my desk with my legs apart (me and her are very close so i am not the least embarrased) she usually gives me around 20 swats and i cry my eyes out because it hurts really bad, i think one good thing that she does is she makes it very clear that it is going to hurt and she doesnt sugar coat what she is about to do, we hug and she tells me never to do it again and i say ok, i appreciate her and i love her with all my heart, i think that by her spanking me it shows me that she cares.
 

I found you site somewhat interesting as my husband and I are trying to establish a united disciplinary front.

I was spanked very rarely, but I do remember it occurring, They were always impromptu spankings and used a position you don't mention maybe for good reason. Both of us were standing, and mom would grab my left arm with her left hand and pull me into her body so I was standing perpendicular to her and then she would pop me two or three times on the bottom or upper leg. Is this a bad position to use? Because I also, used it the one time i did spank our little boy. he is four and I had never spanked him before, but He just pushed me over the edge when he ran from me in a parking lot. He was just playing and did not want to get in the car, but I was so scared that when he ran off that he could have been hit a car. So when I caught him, I grabbed his arm and firmly said you could have been hit by a car and hurt, then reached down and popped his bottom three times and he went to bawling. I put him in his carseat and went home and talked a little more about what had happened and the spanking. I think that is all he needed. Should I spank him in a different position for safety and if so what is recommended for quick delivery at home or in public? I have not spanked him again and I don't think I will have to for a long while.
 

To start off I'd just like to say....Great site folks! I just wish it had been around a few yrs ago when it could of been of some use to me. I'm 20yrs old now, and I was spanked by my mom from age 3 to about 12, usually with her hand or a small paddle. I dont think I was ever spanked more than 10 times, and I was usually spanked no more than once or twice a year as I was very well behaved ( I wonder why). At about age 12 though she for no apparent reason just stopped, though she continued to threaten to spank me for several years when I acted up. At first these threats worked quite well, keeping me on the straight and narrow for a while. However as she kept failing to carry thru on these threats, I began to realize that they had little substance and with my fear of consequences removed, my behavior began to deteriorate. To her credit my mother did try some of the "Dr. Spock" methods--grounding, loss of privelages ,etc, though they all failed to make much of an impression on me. I became extremely disrespectful and unruly, even by teenage standards, I stopped studying my schoolwork and my grades fell from A's and B's to C's, D's and F's. What good grades I did get were because of cheating. Shoot, I even fell almost two yrs behind in school. At this point even I was disgusted with my behavior, and unable to break the pattern myself, one day I cut a switch, took it to my mom and asked her to start spanking me again . Now you're probably thinking I subsequently got my behind royally tanned right? Wrong. I made the mistake of asking while she was talking to a friend on the phone. This friend is strongly anti-spanking and convinced her not to do it--She had seemed to give it serious consideration. After this incident things went back to how they had been before--lousy. Finally at about age 18 I was able to "kick the habit" somewhat and get my life on track on my own. So what's the point of all this? Well I'm trying to make several points (am I succeeding?) In my case anyway spanking was highly effective in shaping my behavior so: Parents: If you're already using spanking either on teen/preteen, don't fix something that works--if its working and keeping them in line, don't just abandon it based on a preconception or a desire to try something new/less controversial. If you're not spanking but are considering it good for you, give it a shot--it just might work. Teens/Preteens: If you're considering asking your parents to spank you, well first off, good for you--you should be proud of yourself/ves for taking responsibility for your actions and good luck, and second for God's sake don't just do it on the fly-- put together as solid a case as you can, and watch your timing.
 

"Spanking with love" is self-contradictory the same as "gentle rape," Non-abusive molestation," "honest lying," "generous greed" and "friendly hate."

J(...), Exec. Dir., Parents and Teachers Against Violence in Education (PTAVE) (...) Web site: "Project NoSpank" at www.nospank.net (...)
 

SWL advocates that spanking should always be by hand. I wish that I could always agree, but I can’t! It sounds easy in theory, but there can come occasions when, for one reason or another, the hand does not seem to be right.

If, for whatever reason, a parent feels that the hand is not suitable in the particular circumstances, whatever they may be, what is the alternative?

Ideally, a parent has looked at the page on Instruments and is suitably prepared. What worries me is that, if the parent(s) have not considered the matter beforehand, he/she/they will grab the nearest available instrument, whether it is suitable or not.

In my case, I did think ahead. I purchased a table tennis paddle and put it in a drawer. When the most serious "crime" occurred among any of my children, I was ready.

The only other time that I used anything other than my hand was when a son was nearly 5. He was getting a lot of spankings. Next time, when I put him over my lap, I gave him the first whack with a bedroom slipper. When he stood up after the event, I said to him, "If you don't behave yourself, you will get the lot with the slipper". He behaved!

The only spanking of a teenager was by hand on a bare bottom.

Perhaps there can be a danger in advocating - as SWL does - the exclusive use of the hand. If, as I said above, a parent regards the hand as unsuitable, there is a risk that something even more unsuitable is used unless, that is, the parent has prepared for such an eventuality - as I did by buying the paddle.
 

my mother used an excellent position called the hug spanking. this only works with cooperative children. i would wrap my arms around her and she would spank. for my uncooperative spankings, it was a in bed spanking but not the diaper position. i lied in bed on my side with my legs curled up and my mother spanked my bare spank spot. however i use the diaper spank but on children over 8 or 9 i think undies shold be worn for this spanking method.
 

Dear,

I enjoy your website with a common sense attitude on child discipline.

It is about competent parents, who wish the best for their child (and not for the mindless drunk hitter).

A spanking with the bare hand was often reserved for younger children and by mother. The 'instrument of discipline' at older age was also a symbol, and given by the father. 'Do you want to fetch the paddle?' was generally enough to make you behave within seconds... In what I call 'natural child education' (the way children were raised the last, say, twenty thousand years), often an instrument was preferred for older children.

As I was the youngest of six, and punishment was public, I witnessed a few spankings of my older siblings (spanking was often a threat, rarely a fact - we were only spanked for VERY good reasons). The paddle was a jokari-paddle, undoubtedly a very serious instrument if you hit very hard. But father gave a 'long series of short whacks'. As a father of four I learned to use (even more rarely for even more serious offences and with far fewer licks) the wooden spoon like my father did. You just give a short flick of the wrist and then 'let it fly'. You want to make it sting, no more.

Indeed, the hard paddle flicking against your bare buttocks: that stung pretty bad. The repetition of the paddle landing on the same spot did the rest: your bottom burned awfullly hard. The simple threat was again sufficient for a very long period...

My daddy indeed told us that child chastisement on anything else than the bare seat is dangerous, as the muscles of the buttocks are very strong and can take more than a father should consider to give, and if you don't see the effect, you don't know what you are doing. He aimed for 'deep red, not blue'. (As it was the ultimate punishment, it had to hurt badly enough.)

I won't say that there were never any bruises at all, but what there was was very superficial.

As a teenager, I got switched two times. Those lines were nasty (but all I got was very, very much deserved). If you don't want to have your child never a bruise, you should lock it up in a velvet cell, and certainly never ever let it compete in any game or sport.

I was covered with bruises my entire, wonderful youth (bruises from fighting, from falling from trees, from falling with my bike, from running with my sled from the steep icey road - a very spankable offence if father came to know, but a carnival is worth a whipping: nothing was as fast - and missing the bend. That seat that got bruised twice was something like missing an important social bend and running at high speed not in a hill of icey snow but into other people). I feel often sorry I can't give my own children that youth: freely roaming to the fields and woods with your little gangs, searching how far you could go too far (as good catholic boys, the sin was always our greatest pleasure!).
 

I just read the November 2003 reader feedback. I would like to responds to some of the things which was said. First to the person who said parents who spank should be held accountable, because she thinks it's child abuse, dispite the fact the Bible supports it. I would like mention the United States was found on freedom of religion, and many Americans who spank feel are practricing their religion. That one reason why spanking should not be illegal in the US. Another reason I am against the US outlawing spanking is a child may report their parent for spanking just they were set to bed earlier. Because when spanking are done correctly they don't leave any mark, the court will have to decided who is telling the truth and a parent may sent through in jail even when they did not spank.

My second comment is about the person who said a father should not have spank his 18-year-old son for smoking in the house and ask will the father spank him at 25. In my opinion rather a person is 18, 25, 35 etc. and knows the rules in their parents house and willing disobey them, they deserve to be punish. I think ideally the parent and adult child should agree together on a proper punishment. If they agree a spanking in the best punishment, the the adult child should be spank. A good hard spanking may make them think twice before breaking the rules again.f an adult is not willing to follow the or take a punishment for breaking the rules, perhaps they should not go into their parents house. I used to smoke, and I admit when in my early 20's I smoke in my house, even though I know it was wrong. Maybe she should have spank me. visited a friend house who did not allow smoking in her house, I did not smoke in her house. I quit smoking in 2000.

What bother me about parents spanking their teenager and adult is the parents pulling their pants down while child is standing or making the spankee pull his/her pants down and expose the private parts. I think if a parent must spank on the bare-bottom spanking, the spankee should change into pj no matter what time of day it is and then taken over the knee or told to lay on the bed or couch. also it a girl is on her period maybe she should leave her panties on. Well any way once the spankee is in the position the spanker pull the just enough so the pant see the back on the spankee behind. When the spanking is done, the pants are pull up and then the spankee stands up. However if a spankee roll over on the during the bare-bottom spanking then they should complain about thier privates being expose.

I do believe a spanking does not have to bare-bottom to be painful or effect. A person may even be more comfortable with a spanking with a paddle, belt, or swith than on the bare. The spanker should use a spanking tool rather than spank on the bare.
 

I gave my 16 year old son the choice of a spanking or being grounded for a week. He chose the spanking because he said it would be over soon and he could then do what he wanted without having a punishment hanging over him. Since i agreed with this decision, I needed to provide a spanking that taught the lesson but was not abusive.

After reading several postings, i decided to give him the recommended bare bottom spanking over my lap and to use a wooden paddle since I believed that a handspanking would not be sufficient. My son was cooperative in that he took down his pants and underpants and was then placed across my lap. I spanked his bare buttocks 25 times with a moderate level of force. It was at that time that he actually fully broke down and cried uncontrollably. I was wondering if spanking a boy at age 16 is appropriate? His behavior has been very much approved but my friends state that 16 year old are too old to be spanked - What is your opinion?
 

(Note: this letter is not anonymized on special request.)

Dear spank with love

Hello my name is April I’m a mother of 2 children, Z(...) 16 and J(...). My husband who is in the army is often away for long periods of time so I take care of the discipline around the house. We generally were pretty lenient parents and let our kids get away with a lot, although we did occasionally spank them to keep them I line. We decided to stop spanking Z(...) 2 years ago as we felt he was mature enough to handle himself without such strict guidance.

For the first year or so he was still the same and acted appropriately doing well in school and not getting into much trouble. But after that he soon started to realize he could get away with what he wanted. His grades started to drop and we began getting complaints from his friends parents about how rude he was. He also became very disrespectful to me at home and began refusing to do his fair share of the housework. I was not sure what to do but after consulting my husband we both agreed that it was just part of his growing up and that if we talked to him he would eventually grow out of it, we were both pretty confident that this was just harmless teenage development. But recently I have been growing more and more frustrated with him, though I didn’t think to do anything about it.

Until a week ago when he went over board and took the car out wile I was at a friends house for the evening. I probably would never have noticed it but for the fact the he broke off one of the side mirrors, when I went to take the car to go shopping there it was hanging there. I was shocked and after talking to my daughter found out that he had taken it. I was beside myself with anger and but composed myself in time for my some to come home. I told him he was grounded and lectured him about the car and how he should not have taken it with out a license. He did not pay much attention and later that night went out to his friends despite the fact I had grounded him. I did not know what to do, so I talked to my husband and after a long discussion we decided that maybe we should try spanking him again. I was skeptical and we agreed to discuss it further when he got home in a week. Well during the week I decided to look on the Internet to see if I could find any one else in my situation and look for ideas. I came across your site on my search and was surprised to find that so many other teens were still spanked. Well the week came and went and Z(...) still ran amok doing as he pleased. When my husband finally got home I showed him your site and we both agreed for certain that reverting to spanking was the solution.

So the next day we both waited for Z(...) to come home from school. When he did my husband told him to come into our bedroom to talk, which to my surprise he did, he hold a lot of respect for his dad still. He began by reprimanding him for being so disrespectful to me and for the car incident and said he was very disappointed in him. Then he told Z(...) that things were going to change, he said that in light of Z(...) recent behavior the he and I have decided to start spanking him again. Well the look on Z(...)’s face was of pure shock, but before he could protest my husband said that if he did not cooperate that was fine. In that case he would have all his things taken away including his computer and phone and allowance etc. Well that quieted him right up. Then he was ordered to take off his pants and underwear and lay face down on the bed, which he did without protest. He told Z(...) that from now on he would be spanked for offences like when he was younger and that it was in his best interest to obey me wile my husband was gone or else. Then he said he would now be spanked for the car incident and miss treating me. Then he took off his belt and spanked him for a good couple of minutes until Z(...) was crying, he then told Z(...) to get in the corner and not move until told. Then we hugged him and forgave him.

It’s been a couple of weeks now and my husband is gone again, Z(...) has started to act up and I told him if he didn’t smarten up I would spank him. He hasn’t changed and now I think I might half to, the thing is I don’t think I will be able to do it properly anymore sine he is so much bigger than me now. The last thing I need is Z(...) laughing at me for not being able to deliver a reasonable spanking. I hope you can give me some advice, I appreciate you reading this. I look forward to hearing from you, and you may post my e-mail address and our names since maybe some other readers might have some suggestions.

Yours truly

April H
 

I described my first spanking as a 17year old earlier. (Note: see October 15, 2003) Since then I have recieved another one.

It happened after one of my pre spanking drunken escapades came to light.My mother had been told that I had been seen comiting an act of vandalism several weeks earlier.

Mother tackled me about the incident, and I admitted it straight away. We sat down, and discussed the situation. I gave my word that I would not behave that way again. Mother was clearly upset about the incident, and I was ashamed of my self.

I did not want to leave my mother in such a condition. I asked if she was going to punish me. Mother said that she would think about it, and that she would speak to me later that evening.

A few hours later after our evening meal, my mother called me into the living room. She ask me if I thought a spanking would be a fair punishment. I said that I thought it would.

Mother went to fetch the strap which was realy an old leather belt with the buckle removed. When she returned, she told me to strip off.I took off all of my clothes, and stood in front of her. Mother then told me to bend over an arm chair. I was then given eight hard strokes across my backside. Mother took her time, and aimed each stroke well. After eight strokes I had tears in my eyes. Mother put down the strap, and told me it was over. I took my clothes, and carried them upstairs. I checked my backside in my wardrobe mirror. I had stripes, and bruises. Although it was a lot less marked than if I had a caning at school.

I went down stairs later, and spoke to mother who told me that she was keeping the strap. She said that she was ready to use it again.