OFFICIALESE

LOOK LIKE ME “I don't want a sector to be monopolised by people who do not look like me,” said communications minister Ivy Matsepe-Casaburri, commenting on the issue of value-added network services (VANS) self-provisioning. The minister made this racist comment in May 2005 towards the end of the debate on the Department of Communications' 2005 budget vote before the Parliamentary Portfolio Committee on Communications when she was outlining why VANS would not be allowed to self-provision. Her comment left committee members, including those of her own African National Congress party, stunned. - Sunday Times 2005-05-29

ARITHMETIC NOT HER STRONG POINT Fellow parliamentarians were not impressed by the realism of Housing Minister Lindiwe Sisulu, who prepared a budget speech containing the line: “World leaders have committed themselves to eradicating a minimum of 100 slum dwellers by 2020” in Mary 2005. But the realism was unfortunately replaced by the usual grandiose and impractical promise when the speech was corrected to read “eradicating a minimum of 100 million slum households”.  - Sunday Times 2005-05-29

"I do not wish to use the word 'retrenchments', as it upsets the trade unions. I would rather call it 'a loss of work opportunities'. It, however, remains the only way out".
- Geraldine Fraser-Moleketi, minister of the Public Service and Administration, at the Public Service Jobs Summit in Pietersburg in January 2001, announcing a reduction in the number of civil service positions in an effort to reduce the enormous civil service salary bill and to stop the bulk of the national budget going on public servants' salaries rather than on servies and capital projects.. The trade unions eventually signed a document in which the word "retrenchments" had been replaced with the phrase "retaining quality jobs", effectively setting up low-level employees for the chop.

LOVERBOY, YOU CAN DRIVE MY CAR

She is described as “Her Holiness the Mayor of Cape Town” in the National Catholic Reporter, despite being divorced. However, Nomaindia Mfeketo, ANC mayor and member of the SA Communist Party, seems to have had a run of bad luck with her own city’s traffic authorities. Not only did she commit two traffic offences for which she has not paid up, but her former lover committed three more in a car registered in her name. That is not to mention the eight offences committed by her driver in the mayoral car during the past year alone.
The offences have led to three warrants for her arrest and two undelivered summonses for which she is inexplicably listed as “untraceable”.
Mfeketo, who claims she has secured an agreement with the traffic department that she is not responsible for her former lover’s fines and says she has nor received the others, has finally discovered what ordinary citizens have known for years – the city’s traffic department is in a mess. How unfortunate to discover this at the end of her term of office.
Mfeketo was awarded an honorary doctorate by the University of Cape Town.
She was replaced as mayor of Cape Town when the ANC lost the municipal elections in Cape Town in November 2000.

WHAT'S IN A WORD?

The Black Lawyers Association and the Association of Black Accountants graduated from the league of "complainants" to being "requesters".
The two orgainsations laid the original complaint that led to the SA Human Rights Commission's probe into racism in the media. But it seems the commission and the two organisations are now not happy with the tag of "complainants".
Commission Chairperson Barney Pityana pleaded with the media, after release of the Commissions report on their investigation into the media, to stop referring to the two organisations as "complainants" and instead call them "requesters" as they had "requested" the investigation.

NARROW ESCAPE

The National Union of Metalworkers of Soluth Africa's leadership nearly had a revolution on its hands during its congress in Mafikeng, North West, during the last week of August 2000.
Amid all the rhetoric about building socialism and strengthening the SA Communist Party, one of  the leaders took the podium to announce the presence of  "a comrade from the IMF" in the hall.
Confused workers failed to understand what a representative of a "class enemy", the IMF (International Monetary Fund), was doing in their midst. It later transpired the comrade was an observer from the International Metalworkers Federation, to which Numsa is Affiliated.

EDUCATIONAL STANDARDS IN THE S.A. ARMY

Ms Nozizwe Madlala-Routledge, Deputy Minister of Defence, personally interfered after five army officers - four lieutenant-colonels and a colonel who was the commander-designate of a medical unit - were informed that they were not allowed to continue with and complete a course of the SA Military Medical Services. Their average performances of between 6% and 9% in their operational tasks and examinations were well below the required pass rate. Madlala-Routledge insisted that they be allowed to continue with the course.

LEGALESE

Typewritten court records in Venda are sometimes so incomprehensible that criminals have had to be set free on appeal.
According to a former acting judge at the Venda Hight Court, Khami Makhafola, when some cases come from a Magistrate's Court on appeal, the record is just gibberish - or so incomplete that no sense can be made of it.
Makhafola gave this information to a Judicial Service Commission meeting in Pretoria in April 2000 when he was interviewed for a permanent post on the Bench.
In one judgement by Makhafola, for example, the official record quotes him as saying:

In another, he is quoted as saying:

Makhafola, an advocate in Thoyandou, appears frequently in the Venda High Court. He and other candidates for the two Venda vacancies told the commission of a number of problems experienced in the local High Courth, where there had been no permanent judge since 1994. They said the courts were underresourced and that, among other problems, acting judges did not see their judgments after they were typed up. This meant they could not revise or correct them before adding their signature.
The Minister of Justice, Penuell Maduna, said after the interviews that he had had no idea that the problems at the Venda High Court were so acute.
"The typed reports we saw were nothing short of atrocious. I will be investigating how [the company which does the typing] has kept the contract when its product is so poor".

In April lawyer Mojanku Gumbi, in Deputy President Thabo Mbeki's office, exonerated dr Allan Boesak in a government inquiry of all charges of misappropriating foreign aid funds. This was after complaints by the Nordic donors that R1 million of their funding had been misappropriated by Dr Boesak's Floundation for Peace and Justice. Presidential aide Essop Pahad took it on himself to publicly defend Gumbi's ill-considered report when it was criticised.
President Mandela said after the release of Gumbi's report that Dr Boesak deserved a high diplomatic post.
"Allan Boesak is one of the most gifted men in this country. I am very happy he had been cleared", Mandela said.
Meanwhile, it took 11 months for the Office for Serious Economic Offences (OSEO) to complete its own investigation of the allegations. In the meantime Dr Boesak relocated to the US and returned to work in the ministry.
A further 11 months after release of the OSEO report, the Attorney-General's office reached its own conclusion, namely to charge Dr Boesak in the Cape Town Supreme Court with the theft of R1,05 million of foreign aid. The police probe was requested by trustees of the Children's Trust Fund, then Anglican Archbishop Desmond Tutu and former president of the Black Sash Mary Burton.
Onhis return from the US in March 1997, Boesak was cheered at Cape Town International Airport by ANC leaders, among them Justice Minister Dullah Omar. Omar later described Boesak's irregular financial dealings as "struggle bookkeeping".
On March 17th, 1999 Boesak was convicted of stealing R1,3 million in donor funds and fraud and sentenced to six years imprisonment. The fraud charge related to a R682 621 donation from rock star Paul Simon, of which Boesak only informed the trustees of the now-defunct Foundation for Peace and Justice of R423 000. He was the director of the FPJ.
"I am absolutely innocent", Boesak announced in March 1999.
Whilst awaiting his appeal, Boesak was a guest of honour at the inauguration of Pres Thabo Mbeki in Pretoria three months later.
In May 2000 Boesak lost his appeal against his conviction of fraud, theft and the misappropritaion of trust funds in the Supreme Court of Appeal in Bloemfontein. This reduced the six-year sentence handed down by the Cape Town High Court to three years. In November 2000, an illegal cellphone was found in his cell in the Malmesbury jail, allowing Boesak to communicate with the outside world at will from jail. He flatly denied ever having used the cellphone. However, in February 2001 the cellphone service provider announced that 47 telephone calls were made from the cellphone, 21 of which to Boesak's wife Elna. The cellphone was found to be stolen in October 2000 from an employee of Executel, a Cape Town cellphone company. It is unknown how it found it's way to Boesak's cell in jail. Other illegal phonecalls were made by Boesak to Dullah Omar (Minister of Transport) who were "quite pleased" about it, Mcebisi Skwatsha (Provincial secretary of the ANC in the Western Cape), Ebrahim Rasool (Western Cape ANC leader) Rev Frank Chikane (Director-General in the office of the State President), Charles Nqakula (Deputy Minister of Home Affairs), and Archbishop Winston Ndungane of Cape Town.
In May 2001 Adv Frank Kahn, provincial director of public prosecutions, decided not to prosecute Boesak for the stolen cellphone found in his cell. "In the light of Boesak's denial under oath that he did not use the cellphone - despite evidence to the contrary - I have decided not to institute criminal prosecution against him".

APARTHEID LAWS ARE ALIVE

Residents of Ingwavuma wanted to hold a public meeting to discuss the appointment of a local chief, Mndeni Mngomezulu, about which they were dissatisfied. The local magistrate PZ Xulu refused to give permission for a meeting, using an apartheid-era proclamation dating from 1968 which specifies that anyone who holds or addresses a meeting "at which more than 10 blacks are present", without special permission, is guilty of an offence.

MAYORAL ALLOWANCES

Mr Elias Mkhize, ANC mayor of the Durban southern substructure during 1996, sent his bodyguard to collect his (Mr Mkhize's) monthly unemployment benefits. Mr Mkhize says that, as mayor, he is technically jobless and has claim to the benefits.
All mayors of the Durban metro-substructures receive monthly allowances of almost R14 000. Ratepayers provide each of them with an official car, body guard and a cellphone.
His bodyguard, who went to the front of the queue each time to collect Mr Mkhize's unemployment benefits, has already collected R3000 on his behalf.

POLITICALLY CORRECT LANGUAGE

The Star newspaper in Johannesburg, in search for lost circulation, brought out a special edition for black readers, but doesn't want to use the "black" word. So it is relaunching zoned editions for the "former politically disenfranchised".

An announcement in Grocott's Mail in Grahamstown during October 1996 read as follows:
"6.30 pm - Public Lecture by Archbishop Emeritus Desmond Tutu, chairman of Tutu and Reconciliation Commission: Rhodes University Great Hall".

TELLING THE TRUTH, 2.

In Arena, the quarterly magazine for alumni and friends of Wits University, the following sentence appeared in an article on the history of mining:
"Almost overnight SA became a steal producer of global significance".

COLOUR DISCRIMINATION (1)

All "grey haired men" was asked by Public Enterprises Minister Stella Segcau to stand up at a meeting of 120 senior managers from defence industry company Denel in 1996. All of them were white. The minister said the next time she spoke she wanted to see more black faces.
None of the grey-haired officials of Denel were allowed to talk to the press about their experience, since they require ministerial approval to do so.

COLOUR DISCRIMINATION (2)

Tennis greats attending the SA leg of the MTN campionships in 1996 expressed a wish to meet president Nelson Mandela during their visit to Sun City. Trying to fit in a meeting with the busy schedule of the president was no easy task.
At last it was arranged; the tournament organisers said that Mandela would agree to see John McEnroe "because he refused to play tennis in South Africa during the boycott years"; that he would see Bjorn Borg "because he's always been the President's favourite player", and that he would see Yannick Noah "because he's black".

LOST PROJECT

The National Assembly's Portfolio Committee on Public Works had a spot of difficulty when it visited the Eastern Cape. Under the heading of "Vlagstaf water project", its annual report says: "This project could not be seen because the officials who accompanied the delegation could not find it and the community around Vlagstaf did not know about it".
(The report presumably refers to Flagstaff.)

MERIT PER DEFINITION

"Merit: The definition of 'merit' was redefined as follows:
'That the concept of merit be redefined to mean appointing a suitable person who meets the minimum requirements for the job and is not necessarily the most suitable person..."
Report on the activities of the Affirmative Action Steering Committee in the September/October 1998 internal newsletter of the Municipality of Pretoria.

EUPHEMISM

Minister of Finance, Trevor Manuel, discovered a suitable euphemism for "overspending"; in an economic growth document, he repeatedly refers to "governemt dissaving".

SIMPLE LANGUAGE

"There was a deadlock and no agreement on coming up with an agreement on the national framework agreement".
- Azanian Student's Congress member Console Tleane, at the National Summit on Higher Education, 1996.

TELLING IT AS IT IS

The chairperson of the South African Human Rights Commission, Barney Pityana, was asked if the commission had overspent its budget.
Pityana, who has complained bitterly about the commission's budget, replied: "I don't think we have overspent. We have not".
He then explained that the commission had R5,29 million in roll-over funds for once-off capital expenditure, but this had not yet been received despite the submission of receipts.
Pityana added: "Technically, we have overspent and, in reality, we have overspent".
Now we know.
(Pityana was appointed Vice-Chancellor of the University of South Africa in 2002)

MAKING IT CLEAR

South African Revenue Services has issued the following statement in order to clarify the situation with regard to VAT:
"The recipient of a supply of goods or services who accounts for VAT on the invoice basis and has claimed an input tax deduction in relation thereto but has not yet paid the full consideration charged in respect thereof after a period of 36 months has lapsed is still liable to account for output tax equal to the tax fraction (at present 14/114) of the amount still outstanding".

THE PEST AMONGST US

Officials of the Department of Trade and Industry in Pretoria received a notice warning of plans to spray their building with isecticide. The notice was headed "Spraying of the Pests in the Offices", and began:
"We would like to bring this to the notice of all staff members that your officers [sic] will be sprayed with the prest insecticides". It concluded: "We request your co-operation by means of taking out the security locks in your doors".
The next day a second notice was distributed, offering "formal apology to any officers who might feel that they have been insulted or affronted by the wording used in the previous message".

NEW S.A. DICTIONARY

Struggle bookkeeping: the term used by Justice Minister Dullah Omar to explain the more than R1 million of Scandinavian donations which Rev Allan Boesak could not account for in the books of the Foundation for Peace and Justice.
Temporary use of public money: the term used by Independent Broadcasting Authority's (former) councillor Lyndall Shope-Mafole to explain the use of her corporate credit card for private shopping expenses

Eileen kaNkosi-Shandu, Minister of Education and Culture in the KwaZulu-Natal provincial government, appointed her brother Isaac Nkosi to the second-highest position in her department - even though his highest qualification is a matric pass.
Nkosi was appointed as the new deputy director-general of administration in the province's largest government department - defeating six other candidates, one with an MBA degree.
Nkosi was among the department's senior officials who were severely criticised after the province's poor performance in last year's matric exams.
Shandu's spokesman, Mandla Msibi, said he could not comment on Nkosi's qualification as he did not have his CV.
Bheki Khumalo, spokesman for the national Minister of Education, Mr Kader Asmal, said he could not comment.
Nkosi refused to comment and referred inquiries to Msibi.
After "failing to listen" to Kwazulu-Natal's premier Lionel Mtshali's "wise counsel" and reverse the appointment, Shandu was dismissed as MEC in August 2000.

HUMPING

ANC intellectual Pallo Jordan found his intellect sorely taxed early in July 2000 when he faced parliamentary journalists who demanded translations of the supposed English used in three of the party's policy documents. Pallo blamed it on the drafting committees, quoting the hairy old chestnut, that "a camel is a horse designed by a committee". An example of the language used in the documents:

"The ANC also learnt to identify and seize decisive moments. Thus it had to temper impatience during periods of quantitative accumulation of conditions and factors and to impel decisive action when the combined elements of qualitative movement forward were evident."