~~~Chapter One~~~

~~Dear William~~

Throwing his briefcase down onto the sofa, Spike walked into the kitchen from the living room, in his home in Sunnydale. It had been a hard day at the family run law firm, he'd been in court most of the day, with a case that had dragged out longer than expected, making him miss a very important appointment at the doctors, with his wife. He scolded himself at the thought of what Lily was going to say to him about that, he knew that she'd probably want his head for it, but he hoped the flowers that he held in his other hand may ease the way a little for him. Looking around the kitchen it was oddly clean and looked like it hadn't been touched all day, which was odd for Lily, as she usually had the kitchen in a mess this time of day, preparing dinner for them.

Turning on the kettle Spike pulled out a cup, and proceeded to make himself a coffee, taking the unopened milk cartoon out of the fridge, even odder since he'd only bought it last night, yet it remained unopened, especially with Lily being a fervent coffee drinker. His concern rose, as he still had yet to hear movement in the house, it was deathly silent, like no-one else was present within its walls. Getting worried for the well being of his wife, he walked through the house looking for her, or clues that may tell him of her whereabouts. He found his answer soon enough, when he reached their bedroom, unlike the kitchen, it was chaotic, with draws half open and clothes strewn all over the floor and cupboards. The closet door was pulled open, displaying its empty racks and shelves, next to his own clothing still neatly folded in piles, and on their hangers in the closet.

It made a clear statement. Lily was gone.

He quietly sat down on the bed opposite Lily's dresser, her jewellery case had been raided, all her valuable, make-up and perfumes were gone as well. Yet the most disturbing thing he saw, was her wedding band that lay on top of a small yellow envelope, drawing his face into his hands, he breathed deeply trying to control the disbelief, at the carnage that surrounded him in the room. Taking a deep breath, his face emerged from his hands, looking once more at the envelope on the dresser. Standing up he walked to the dresser, lifting her wedding ring, running his finger along the edge, feeling just how hollow it really felt, in anger he threw it onto the dresser. He watched his reflection in the mirror, as it bounced off the dresser, somewhere into the room, where he didn't care and didn't even bother to see where it landed.

His gaze caught on his name, written in long scrolling letters on the yellow paper before him. Picking it up he turned it over, looking at the blank side, back over to the written side, over and over, it reflected the turmoil that lay within him. Moving back to the bed he slumped back, it sunk under his weight, as he continued just to stare at the offending letter, frightened to read what maybe inside.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Earlier that day…

Across town in a Dr Singer's office sat a lone woman in the waiting room, nervously looking at her watch once again, and looking around the room, as couples sat reading magazines or chatting amongst themselves. The secretary looked at the female that sat opposite her desk, the worry was written all over her face, it would appear that the person or people that were meant to show, had no inclination to, and this was nothing new to the secretary, it happened all the time.

"Would you like to reschedule your appointment?" The secretary caught the young ladies eye, "I can make one for next week if you like?"

"No it's okay, I'll wait."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes thank you. I think I'm next anyway, and I really need to see the doc."

"Would you like me to ring your partner?" The secretary made the offer, hoping that it may help.

"I…." She was interrupted by the doctor's door opening, as it creaked on its hinges.

"Ms Summers," Dr. Singer spotted her immediately, and looked around the room for a companion, that maybe with her, "just you today?"

"So it would appear."

"Please come in then." The doctor motioned for her to enter, and closed the door behind her patient, as she entered the examination room, "Take a seat."

"Thank you." Buffy made her way to the chair and sat in front of the large desk that was the doctors.

"All alone today, Buffy?"

"Hmmmm. I have no idea what has happened, maybe flat tyre, who knows?" Buffy nervously played with her handbag strap, "I need to know Dr Singer, I know that it may not be the done thing, but I need to know."

"It is highly unusual, Buffy, but I think it won't hurt to let you in.", the doctor broke out into a large grin, "You, Miss Summer's are eight weeks pregnant."

"Oh my god."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Later that day…

Tearing open the letter finally, Spike opened the parchment and saw his wife's large flowing writing upon the page.

My Dearest Will,
I can't stay any longer, it's just too much, as you can guess I'm gone. Taken the cowards way out, and just ran, not really my style, but I'm not ready to face you.

I'm sorry.

There is nothing that I can really say, but I'm sorry, it's just not working for me anymore Will. I've done everything I can to stay, I've tried, I don't love you anymore.

I'm sorry,

Lily

PS Gone home

Spike recoiled from the sudden pain that ripped through his heart, he had absolutely no idea why and how she left. He couldn't believe that she'd leave him without telling him, that she even had problems within their marriage, as far as he was concerned everything was perfect. He just could not fathom what lay before him in the chaos that was their room, the bed still lay in a mess after last night. That hit him in the gut like a sharp blow, how could she have made love to him last night, and left this morning. It was too much of a contradiction to him, he let the paper flutter from his hands, standing up he retreated to the living room and poured himself a very large whiskey.

He proceeded to have many more after that…………to obliterate the pain that was swallowing him whole.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Same time different place………..

Buffy walked into her home, threw her handbag onto the hallway table, and just looked at herself in the mirror above the table. She didn't look or feel different, but she had known the results of the test, even before the doctor had told her. She swallowed hard, trying to reason with herself that everything was fine and it was just nerves, or maybe this is how you are meant to feel when you're pregnant. Yet the tight balls of dread that were forming in the pit of her stomach would not go away, she had a nagging feeling that something was wrong.

Really wrong.

She had wondered where her sister had gotten to, as she hadn't shown up for the doctor's appointment, but then again that was just typical Lily for you. She was always running here or there and forgetting things, even important things like today, with her busy lifestyle. If you could call endless shopping and social club events busy, but then again marrying into a wealthy and connected family helped. Still concerned with her sisters' welfare she called Lily at home, and got the answering machine, not happy with leaving a message, she tried her mobile phone, which was switched off and was redirected to voicemail. Not happy with that, Buffy decided that the best bet would be to leave a message on her home phone, dialling it again, she waited for the beep, and left her message.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Spike was about halfway down to the bottom of the whiskey bottle when he heard the phone ring and the answering machine kick in.

"Hello, you have reached William and Lily's, we are both extremely busy having a good time. So just leave your message after the beep, and we'll call you back."

Spike could hear the greeting that his wife had left on the machine, he put his glass up in a salute to her, "Cheers Luv." He waited for the beep to announce who was on the other end of the phone, and after a quiet pause, they spoke.

"Lily, it's me Buffy. I need you to call me and let me know your okay. What happened to you today?" A slight pause followed after that, "Lily if your home please pick up! It's important!" Another pause, "Lily, I'm pregnant", the machine cut the rest of the conversation off, as it ran out of tape.

"Holy shit! Buffy!" Spike nearly fell of the floor, as he was told he was going to be a father.

~~~Chapter Two~~~

~~Dear Buffy~~

Buffy put the phone down on its cradle, she felt slightly relieved after leaving the message on her sister's answering machine, it felt like some giant weight was off her shoulders. She hoped that Lily would call her back soon, at least to let her know that she got the message, it was nothing unusual for Lily not to show up sometimes, but the fact that William or Spike, as he liked to be called by family and friends, hadn't showed up, played on her mind. It had been an important appointment, they both should have been there, this was enough for the knot in her stomach to tighten so hard that she felt nauseated, the bile hit the back of her throat. She couldn't put it down to morning sickness, as she appeared to have been spared that for now, not that Dr Singer hadn't warned her it might happen later.

Buffy made herself a peppermint tea, she thought that it might help with the upset stomach, and help to settle her nerves. She took the tea back to the sofa in the living room and sat down, sipping it as she went, trying to think good thoughts, all this worry couldn't be good for the baby she carried. Her thoughts went to the time when she had offered the childless couple to be their surrogate, as it would appear that they wouldn't have had their own any other way, due to Lily's infertility problems. Polycystic ovaries stopped the young woman from conceiving, and Buffy offering to help them, seem to be the closest thing to having their own child. They had both knocked the idea back the first time she offered, but as time went on it seemed to be the best option if they wanted to have a child, as Lily's fertility treatment failed time and again. She would always see her brother-in-law's distraught face, each time they returned from Dr Singer's office, with another negative pregnancy test. Lily never seemed too perturbed about it, and she would always say to Spike, "Next time". Next time never came, so a year after the couple had stopped trying, Buffy had offered her help.

She leaned over to the coffee table and put her teacup down onto its saucer, then she picked up today's mail. Bill, bill, bill, junk mail, and a yellow envelope with unmistakeable handwriting. Lily's, scrolling writing covered the letter face. Buffy read her own name and address, she tore the letter open and removed the contents of the matching paper.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Spike dropped the glass that held the amber liquid, the contents fell over his trousers, he swore at himself as he watched it penetrate the fabric, and flow over into the white carpet. He left the glass where it fell and walked back into the kitchen, damping a cloth he blotted his pants the best he could to remove the alcohol. He looked down at his trousers, it looked like he'd wet himself, which he reflected was something he'd nearly done after hearing Buffy voice as she left her message.

He felt as if someone was playing a cruel joke on him, his world had come crashing down around him, and the implications of what was happening was just too much to bear. He couldn't fathom what to do now, he was caught between breaking everything he could with his bare hands, and screaming out in jubilation with the news of Buffy's successful pregnancy. His head was starting to pound from the headache that had begun in his brain, with all the whirling contradictions that his life had become in the last few hours.

Picking up the phone, he tried calling some of Lily's friends to find out if she was staying with them, before she made her final dash, back home. Home to Lily, he knew meant London, a million miles from here. With every call, his suspicions grew, she had either fled the country, or her friends were lying to him. Deep inside himself, he knew that she had gone home. He continued his calls, this time Trans-Atlantic, hoping one of her friends in London may take pity on him and tell him her whereabouts. Considering the news he received it was imperative that they talk, he just knew they could work it out, or six years of marriage would go down the proverbial toilet.

No one would tell him anything. Even when he pleaded with some of her friends, laying his heart out on his sleeve, it got him nowhere. Feeling defeated, he decided to give it a rest for the night, and sought out the next most important thing in his life, his unborn child.

At least in that he could take some joy.

Picking up the phone again, he dialled the local cab company and asked for a cab, to take him to the other side of Sunnydale. He had drunk way too much, and didn't want to kill himself on the way to one of the most important discussions of his life. So he requested a cab, and when asked by the operator for a destination, he clearly recited the address.

To Buffy's place.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Opening the paper, Buffy picked up her tea and took another sip, she couldn't look at the contents of the letter just yet. A wave of nausea struck her abdomen again, she felt like she was going to dry wretch, a sick feeling in the pit of her stomach seized her. Unable to put it off any longer, she read the letter.

Buffy,
You know that you mean the world to me, and it makes me sad to write this letter to you, considering everything that you've done for me over the last few years. Especially now, but there's no way except for me to tell it to you in a letter, because I'm too afraid to tell you, to your face. If anyone in this mess deserves it more, it's you.

I can't put it any simpler, but to tell you that I've gone home, permanently. I'm not happy here, and I'm not in love with William anymore. To put it in words is just too hard. I just want to go home, and it really comes down to that. I know that I should have told you, and put a stop to the surrogate thing, but I thought that it might make things different, but then thinking about the doctor's appointment today, I panicked and it made me face the truth.

I don't want this.

I hope for all our sakes that the insemination didn't work, and you're not pregnant. But if you are, I've left enough money in your bank account today to take care of it. I'm sure considering the circumstances that Dr Singer could refer you on to someone.

I'm sorry Buffy, I don't know what else to say, but I do love you. I'm so sorry to have done this to you, but I thought I was doing the right thing.

I've gone home to London, to Grandmother's, I hope that she'll help me find my life again, considering I've fucked it up so badly so far. I'll call you later to see how you're going, I do care about you, but I just cannot face up to what I've done yet.

I've left a note for William too, I couldn't face him either.

Love

Lily

Buffy dropped her cup of tea onto the floor, narrowly missing her legs that were exposed from her skirt. Fear gripped her heart, as she felt it thump in her chest rapidly, she could feel her blood pressure rise, and a red hot flush come over her. She quickly jumped to her feet and ran for the bathroom, bending over the bowl of the toilet, she threw up the contents of her stomach, the reality of what was happening hit her like a lightening bolt.

Lily had fled from her husband, and most importantly left her holding the baby.

She heaved until there was nothing left to come out, slowly crawling to the sink, she pulled herself up, and washed her face with cold water. She looked at herself in the mirror and saw the reflection of a distraught self. The silent tears began to flow as the reality of what Lily had written sunk in. Her sister had just managed to ruin not two lives, but three. Her husband's, her sister's and the baby's. Yet one thing was clear to Buffy, she couldn't do what her sister had told her to do, she couldn't face a termination, she just wouldn't do it.

Buffy knew that she would just have to carry the baby, she just drew a blank beyond that, thinking further ahead was just too hard. It was further complicated by a dark shadow that could demand and rule over any decision's she made about the baby, and the strength of that shadow placed even a greater strain on her resolution to have the baby.

Spike, and the contract she'd signed, agreeing to give up all parental rights to the baby.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Spike paced outside of his house as he waited for the cab, his mind lost within the chaos that surrounded him. It wandered, from getting Lily back home to sort out their marriage, to why she'd left, to Buffy and the child that lay in her womb. He took out a cigarette and lit the end with the silver lighter that Buffy had given him for Christmas, the first year that he'd married Lily. Staring into the flame, he could only imagine what Buffy was going to do once she heard the news. He knew one thing, it was better coming from him, than someone else. From her call he assumed that Buffy knew nothing of the days events and Lily's departure.

The whole bloody thing was a mess, how they were going to fix it was just too complicated to think about. The most important thing he needed to do, he thought to himself, was to reassure Buffy that all would be well, whatever happened. He needed her to know that he would support her…he stopped walking. His mind stopped, his gasped for air as he realised his train of thought….he'd support her thoughout the pregnancy no matter what, he'd be there as her support person, instead of Lily. He could look forward to the nine months with her, be her friend, be there to help her with anything she needed, like Lily was meant to, if they could not work it out. Most importantly he could be with her throughout the delivery, and see the birth of his child…it finally hit him then.

What if Buffy didn't want the child because of what was happening?

He drew a deep breath into his smoke filled lungs, trying to put the thought that Buffy, may not want to continue the pregnancy without Lily being here, out of his mind. That single thought created a deep abyss of dread like he'd never felt before, it even over shadowed the fact that Lily had just left. That paled in comparison, as his priorities had just been set, by circumstances out of his control.

In frustration, he looked at his watch as he continued to wait for the cab that he'd ordered He took out his mobile phone and dialled the cab company, only to bark a large complaint at the poor operator at the other end of the line. Spike paced the lawn again, the cab's lights shone down the street, he hung up. Flagging the cab, he opened the door even before the car, came to a stand still, and jumped into the backseat. Before the driver could say 'hello', Spike offered the man a hundred dollars to get him across town as fast as he could, to pay for any speeding ticket he may get. Grabbing the bill out of Spike's hand, the driver spun the wheels of his cab, and hit the accelerator, to comply with his customer's demands.

Spike knew that he had to get to Buffy as fast as he could, especially if Lily had beaten him to it, in telling her what had happened. He just couldn't take the risk that she'd made a decision concerning the baby, a decision that he knew he'd live to regret if she chose the wrong one. Any other thoughts of Lily were put on hold as the car approached Buffy's house, it slowed and came to a complete stop in her driveway. Spike sat there, his fear controlling him, he just didn't know if he had any strength left to face Buffy if she resisted him.

"You getting out mister?" The cab driver asked his passenger.

"Yeah, and thanks for the ride."

"Hey, a hundred bucks for a twenty dollar ride, you can call me any day of the week!" He said with a fake smile for the patron.

Spike opened the door, and pulled himself out of the cab, stepping onto the curb. The cab moved away, leaving him to stand there in the dark alone. Very much how he felt at that moment in time. Taking the path to the house, he slowly climbed the stairs, his stomach tossed and turned with the alcohol he'd consumed earlier, making him feel even sicker than he had been before now. He raised his hand and knocked on the door, waiting for a reply.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Buffy turned her head to look at the door, she lay on the couch with a blanket covering her, and her hands full of wet tissues. A knock on the door was the last thing she needed' so she decided to ignore it, she didn't need the outside world to be invading her misery tonight, it was enough company. She'd just stopped thinking after along time, and lay immobile on the couch, not wanting to feel anything, just numb and lost in the nothingness that had enveloped her. It was less painful than having to face the truth that, she was pregnant, and it would appear alone in her pregnancy. Her sister's letter hadn't helped, it made it clear what she wanted her to do about her pregnancy, and she didn't want to have to face up to what she'd done to her sister and husband.

The knock on the door became a pounding, but Buffy continued to ignore it, she pulled the blanket over her head to block out the world. After a time, the intruder gave up and left, Buffy could hear the steps of the person move away from the front door. She took a sigh of relief, and wiped her eyes again, as the tears continued to roll down her cheeks. She moved her hand to her stomach, spreading her hand over her middle, wondering what the baby looked like at this early stage, spreading her fingers over her abdomen, she felt the smooth skin that would soon begin to strength under the growth of her baby.

Her baby.

Her's.

Mine.

My baby.

Her mind made her hearts intention clear, there was no chance that she'd do anything but have the baby. Buffy knew it was more complicated than that, she'd begun to build a wall around her heart a long time ago, for the time she'd carry the baby for her sister and have to give it up, but she felt that wall obliterated by her sister's letter. She moved the blanket away from herself, and lifted her shirt that she wore, displaying the hand that lay on her flat abdomen.

"Hello in there. I'm your mom! I'll look after you!" Buffy spoke the words that her heart cried out, "Your mine!"

Out of the shadows, created by the single light that shone in the corner of the room, came a voice she instantly recognised.

"And I believe, mine as well."

~~~Chapter Three~~~

~~The Facts Of Life~~

Buffy shuddered as she heard the voice come from the shadows, and if her day had not been as bad as it had, it was only about to get worse. She could feel her stomach churn in dread at her visitor, it was obviously the same person that had demanded entry a few minutes earlier. Behind her stood what could destroy any decisions about what she was going to do about the baby. She'd known that she would have to include Spike in any decision making, but she just didn't want to think about it tonight, the tough decision had been made about not terminating the pregnancy. The implications that it may have on her life, and she just didn't want to think anymore, she wanted just feel the new life that lay beneath her hand.

"Don't you know how to knock Spike?" Buffy asked the man behind her.

"Tried that one, and got no where fast."

"Must have been a reason, why I didn't answer the door. Like maybe I wasn't home!" Buffy tried to contend her anger.

"I find your reasoning immaterial at the moment Buffy," Spike voice hardened with every word, "We need to talk."

"Stating the obvious Spike, and don't speak to me like a criminal that I'm not. This isn't the office, and I am family remember?"

"How could I forget just how much family you are!" Spike snidely replied to her comments.

"Then please remember you are in my house, not the court room!"

"No, I'm just in the house of my sister-in-laws, who just happens to be carrying my child, and whose sister has just done a bunk back home!" Spike took a swipe at Buffy.

"Her choices not mine!" Buffy took the ammunition that she could and ran with it, "Did you give her reason to run?"

"What?"

"I said did you give her a reason to run?" Buffy knew deep down that he would never have done anything to Lily, but she felt so raw with emotions that she would do anything to protect herself and the baby. Deep down she knew that he still held most of the cards, and he would either hold his hand close to his body, or show his deck.

"How could you even think that?" Spike spat the venom back at her, "She's my wife for god's sake! We are meant to be a…...," He couldn't get the words out as he chocked on them.

"A what Spike? You are meant to be a family. Is that what you're saying?" Buffy moved her body around to finally face him, "Because from what I could tell from Lily's letter, you guys are anything but!" she looked at the anger and devastation that sat on his face.

Spike moved around the sofa, and sat down into one of the vacant seats, his head bowed down in defeat. His hand resting against his scalp as he ran his fingers through his hair, after sometime he slowly raised his head, as she saw a single tear run down his face, the atmosphere between the two dissolved, and melted into the void that surrounded them. Both had much to loose and gain, and they both knew it, but had to this point refused to acknowledge it.

"Why Buffy? Why has Lily done it?" Spike broke the icy quietness between them, "What did or didn't I do?"

"I don't know Spike. I probably know no more than you!"

"You must! Your sister's, don't sisters tell each other everything!" Spike demanded from her.

"Not everything."

'But you must know something, my god you guys are close!"

"Obviously not as much as you think," Buffy went over to where her letter from Lily lay, she just didn't have the inner strength to go ten rounds with Spike, and she thought it would just end this integration. Taking it in her hand, she walked over to Spike and handed it over to him, "Read it! It will make it clear I know as much as you!"

With some reluctance, Spike took the letter from her, and read what Lily had written to her sister. She could see the flutter of emotions run over his face, as he absorbed what she had written, she watched as he read it over, and over. She tried to contemplate what was going over in his mind, he looked so lost in his thoughts, and with the most obvious she guessed being, why? Even that was something that she couldn't fathom, but from somewhere deep down in her sub-consciousness she could feel the trepidation built up in her spinal cord, making her muscles contract in retaliation and fear. She immediately shut her mind to the thoughts that began to form in her mind, she lightly shuddered all those thoughts from her brain. This was not the time or place to air her concerns. The baby was most important thing for Buffy, at this point and time, it came first and Spike would just have to live with it.

"Lily, as you can see didn't say why, even to me, why she left. It really says nothing," Buffy spoke quietly to him.

"It mostly says what she wrote to me, except one important thing," Spike handed the letter back to her, "She tells you to 'take care of it'."

"I know."

"But your not are you?" Spike spoke of his deepest fear in this whole matter.

Buffy sat there silent in reflection in what she was going to say to him, she supposed that honesty was the most appropriate thing here, "No."

"Thank god!" Spike looked as if some weight in this mess, had been removed from his shoulders.

"I couldn't do it, even if I tried Spike. It's part of me. I just cannot get rid of it like some inconvenience just because you two cannot keep it together!"

"Part of you!"

"Yes part of me! Remember just whose eggs these are!" Buffy was incensed as she lashed out at him, she was protecting what she now considered hers. If her sister didn't want the baby, then she would take responsibility for the life inside of her, and be dammed the consequences.

"And I had no part in it! Just remember who makes up the other half of the equation here!'

"How could I forget!"

"You also seem to forget something else Buffy!" Spike's voice filled with poison, as he felt himself get caught up in the heated emotions that flew around the room, "Our contract!"

Buffy fled past him and ran up the stairs to the second floor, she threw open the door that lead to her study, and pulled open a draw on her desk, pulling out the document. She had heard the heavy steps that followed her in pursuit, behind her as she had departed the living room. Turning around with the papers in her hand, she held them in front of her, as she watched him stand at the doorway holding onto the archway, his hands white with the pressure he applied to it. With a demented grin on her face, she took the papers between her hands and tore the papers in front of him, in two and then tearing them again. She let them flutter to the floor, pooling around her feet where she stood.

"What contract Spike! The rules just changed!"

"You think that you can just tear up a contract! You seem to forget you signed it, and you signed it knowing that the baby would come to me! You gave up all parental rights! It's my baby Buffy, not yours!" Spike spoke so harshly and cruelly, that it finally destroyed any fragile emotions that Buffy could use to defend herself against him.

Silently he watched Buffy slide down onto her knees, as the tears founded in fear fell down her cheeks, and her sobs filled the otherwise silent room. She slumped over onto the floor, her arms coming around her face to blot out the reality around her. Spike had just realised her fears, her insecurities, and her knowledge that he could do just what he threatened, and he had the means to do it. He had written the iron clad contract, and it would appear he had the power to enforce the contract, after all he knew the law, it was his lively hood.

Taking in what lay before him, he instantly regretted his words, and he knew deep down that Buffy was only protecting the baby. She'd clearly been devastated by the turn of events and just wanted to take care of the precious life inside of her, that her sister had carelessly discarded like a piece of trash. Very much obviously, like him and their life together. Spike realised that he held onto the life that lay in the woman in front of him, as much as she did. Even in this mess, he had a responsibility not only to the baby, but also to her. With slow and silent steps, he moved over the carpeted floor, and sat down next to the crying woman, taking a hand, he placed it on her shoulder, she quickly pulled away from any contact with him. Not being put off he moved closer too her, and gently but with some soft resistance from her, he took her into his arms, embracing her trying to give her some comfort, and from the refuge of his chest she pleaded her case.

"Please don't take the baby from me Spike. Lily does not want it, and I do! She doesn't give a dam about you, me or the baby!" Buffy said between sobs, her voice heavy with fear, "It's a new life that deserves someone that cares about it! I promise you Spike that I do care about this baby!"

"I know you do Luv, but………….but have you really thought about it! About what that means and everything that it entails!"

"I know what it means Spike! What I have to give up and what it might mean to my life! But that's exactly what the baby is, part of my life!"

"Mine too, and don't you think I deserve a say in this too?"

"Please Spike, you can be part of the baby's life! You are the baby's father! But he or she is part of me too! A part that I cannot give up now just because Lily does not want it, as much as she says she's sorry about it, I'm not! I want the baby, and I want to be it's mother! Lily doesn't deserve it!"

Taking in what Buffy was saying, he could feel the hurt that lay deep within her from her sister's actions. Which were unforgivable, she had left her sister maybe pregnant, after going through the painful procedure of insemination, and here he was threatening to make all that she'd gone though for nothing. His mind screamed in pain at the heavy thoughts that filled them, maybe just maybe if he could work it out with Lily………………..but with a distraught Buffy in front of him, he knew that he had to give that thought up. The most important person in all of this was the baby, and with that he gave up something he had once thought the centre of his universe.

His marriage and his wife.

In a split second the decision was made, he could feel his heart brake in two, as he realised that Buffy would never give up the baby, and he just had to live with that. He'd just have to live with the consequences, and what fate had delivered to him, but he didn't want to leave everything up to Buffy. He was the child's father, and deserved to decide on the child's fate, so stepping deeper into his commitment to his child he made a few more decisions that would affect them both.

"Okay Buffy…...lets call a truce hey! It's not good for you or the baby," Spike pulled her head gently away from his chest, sweeping away the hair from her face, and wiping the tears from her face, "Some how we'll make some sense of this mess, and we'll make it work. But we need to consider the baby, okay, and this is only stressing you out! Let's go back down stairs, have a hot drink and talk like the adults we are with no insults and no recriminations, okay Luv?"

Buffy could only nod her head, as she allowed him to help her stand, walk her back down the stairs, into the living room, and down onto the sofa. Moving into her kitchen he found the packet of herbal tea on the cabinet, turning on the kettle he made her another tea, and himself a coffee. Despite the bile that filled his throat from the copious amounts of alcohol in his system, he felt totally in control, and lost at the same time. It kinda felt like his life at the present moment, was now a total contradiction. Taking the two mugs into the living room he present one to Buffy, and sat down opposite her once again, taking a sip of his coffee, he watched her take slow controlled amounts of her own drink.

"We need to get through this Buffy, and it's clear that we need to do it together," Spike spoke to the distraught woman in front of him, "I have a few proposals for you that need to be ironed out."

"Like what?"

"Firstly, that I will play an active role in this pregnancy and that I will have a say in what happens."

"I won't you too! I won't deny you the baby, Spike!"

"I know that Buffy, you've made that abundantly clear, but I have to make that absolutely apparent. But I also have some other conditions."

"What type of conditions?"

"I want to be with you through out the pregnancy in every way! There when you see the doctor, and there when the baby's born." Spike moved from his chair and sat down in front of her, "I want to be your support person, like Lily was meant to be, and……………"

"And? What else?"

"I want more, than that! I want you to move into my house so I can see the baby anytime!"

"No, that's crazy!! I will not move into your house!" Buffy was confused with all these demands he was placing on her.

"You can and you will!"

"No!" Buffy was sure about that, she would accept some things that he demanded but not that.

"Why not? It's a big house and I can keep an eye on you!"

"No!"

"No. You must see that it's the sensible thing to do!"

"I said no!"

"Why not?"

"It's her house!"

"Lily's?" finally it dawned on him why she would not relent.

"Fine then I'll move into here, and I'll bring the baby's things," Spike conceded.

"No!"

"Yes Buffy, and that's final!" Spike demanded.

Buffy knew when Spike was like a dog with a bone that he would not give up, and knew that she would not win this argument at all. Nevertheless, maybe she could have some say in it, and if it was her house, she would have some control at least in what happened. Therefore, she found herself reemitting but only in part.

"You can bring yourself, but you leave the baby things at home!"

"But you'll need them!"

"I don't want anything that she chose in my house, this is my baby, and it will have the things I want!"

Not wanting to create even more havoc between them, Spike only nodded his agreement in this discussion, needing to concede on this at least, draining the final liquid from his cup, he stood and walked to the door.

"Where are you going? I thought you wanted to talk!" Buffy asked of him.

"I think we've said enough tonight Buffy, and I'm going home," Spike opened the front door, looking back at her, he said his final piece, "I'm going to get my things for tonight, as I meant what I said. I want to be here for everything!"

With that, Spike closed the door behind him, leaving a shell shocked Buffy in the house, as he walked down the stairs he pulled out his mobile phone and called a cab. While Buffy sat on the sofa thinking about what had just happened between them, the events racing through her mind. The events that had unfolded before her, where the last thing she expected to have happened at all, and she had yet to digest what had happened here tonight.

Spike had well and truly embed himself in her life, and she had no idea what that would mean. But she knew that she wasn't alone in this mess, and in a way that gave her some comfort, but she dreaded at what cost it would have for her. But most of all she thought of the consequences that it may entail from her family when they found out, but with some resolve she realised she didn't give a damn.

Let there be consequences!

~~~Chapter Four~~

~~Thoughts~~

~Buffy~

True to his word Spike returned that first night and settled himself into Buffy's house, so much so, that he took over the guest room and the study, filling them with his belongings, and legal papers. Much to Buffy's discontent she would come home, and find her house in disarray, legal papers everywhere, and her answering machine full of messages for him. He had literally taken over the house, as if he had been there forever, not to mention a sink full of coffee cups, much to her horror. He kept his word though, about wanting to "be there for everything". Especially now that the morning sickness had hit her, and hit her bad. He would always appear with a glass of cold water, and a wet washcloth to wipe her face, then sit behind her and hold her head, waiting for it to be over.

Even though they shared the house, most of the time he would stay out of her way, or be in the study attending to his work. He never once really engaged her in any conversation besides the baby, and it was making her crazy. He never broached the subject of the contract again and most importantly, they never discussed Lily. Buffy knew that they had to eventually, it was a topic that desperately needed to be addressed, until then she knew that they could never move onto the more important things, like having this baby.

Lily's betrayal still stung Buffy, never had she felt so abandoned in all her life. She'd gone into this pregnancy to give her sister something that she couldn't accomplish with her infertility. Yet Lily had turned around and thrown that gift away, because it was something that she didn't want, that stung Buffy even deeper. Even though she knew her sister probably regretted what had happened, it didn't erase the fact that the baby was here, and wasn't going away. Buffy doubted that Lily even knew she was pregnant, she hoped that if she had gotten in contact with Spike, he would have at least told her. Yet Spike remained silent on the subject of his wife, or anything to do with her.

No one else in the family had been in contact either, even though Lily had made it clear that she was going to her Grand Mama's in London. It was convenient for Lily to go there, as it was so far away from the mess she'd created for herself, and others around her. Buffy didn't want to ask Spike for the number, as she felt that at this point it would be safer not to, she just didn't know if she wanted to face that discussion, just yet. He'd probably find it difficult to believe that she didn't have the number, considering that they were sisters.

The reality was that Lily was only a half sister, her father had married Buffy's mother about two years after being made a widower from a motor car accident, and had moved from America to England, with Buffy arriving a year later into the marriage. Lily had strong ties with her English family, and considered England her second home, something that despite making the Americas his home, her father had encouraged.

Buffy had never gotten on with her English grandmother, she found her too rigid and 'stuffy' for want of a better word, Lily had always been her favourite, and she had always spoilt her rotten. Lily had hit the jackpot with their grandmother when she'd married another Englishman, and travelled between the two continents when Spike's work demanded. Especially seeing as he was well connected and came from a "good background and breeding" She knew what a fit that dear old Grandma would be having now if she knew the truth, that the other 'girl' as Buffy knew she called her, was pregnant with the apparent heir. However, Buffy didn't really give a damn, any resolve that she had about the pregnancy superseded anyone else, and since Lily had decided her own fate, no one had a say in anything anymore, no one.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~Spike~

As Buffy sat on her sofa, peppermint tea in hand, contemplating the thoughts that whirled around in her head, she never heard her houseguest approach from the dark depths of the study. He stood at the bottom off the landing, and watch her as she stared into space, he'd rarely seen her ever do that, and he knew that something had to be really troubling her, to make her not pay attention to the world around her. It would not take much to guess what she was thinking about, a frown began to tighten the muscles on her face, until it became a scowl.

In one word, 'Lily'.

He knew that Lily had done an expert job at right royally screwing up their lives. She betrayed two people who should matter most in her life most, her sister and her husband. Even though it had only been a matter of a few weeks, it felt sometimes to him, like she'd done it only yesterday. He still couldn't fathom why she'd left him, they hadn't argued over anything, they never wanted for anything, and he had never let work rule his life. His family was his life, and he'd put 100% of himself into their relationship, but obviously it hadn't been enough for her. Spike had to admit that he'd felt her distance sometimes, but he'd put that down to trying to have a baby, the hormone injections, and the repeated failures. Even the year following he'd put it all down to the stress of their situations, yet not once, not one word had she uttered that she was unhappy or didn't love him anymore.

He was at a total loss, he just didn't get it! Looking at the woman sitting before him he had to remember that he'd given all that up, what was most important in his life now sat inside Buffy in the living room. She and the baby were family now, and he didn't give a damn about what the world would think of him, he knew his priorities, yet he recognised the importance that they did need to talk about Lily.

They had to clear the air and move beyond the hurt and betrayal of Lily, even though they were experiencing it for different reasons. In the end it all came down to the bottom line, the baby. Buffy had made it so clear to him, that Lily just didn't fit into the equation anymore, they still had to work out where in the scheme of things they both sat in each others world. He wondered if Lily's request that Buffy just 'deal with it' using the funds she'd left her, had made up her mind, if anything, to forget her sister's existence. He shook his head, yet another topic he knew that they would have to discuss, he had so many that he wanted to talk to her about, but he was just down right scared. He didn't want to make her upset for any reason, it was hard enough, he guessed, for her to have him there at all. He'd truly barged his way into her life, demanding that she allow him to be there, foisting himself onto her.

He'd been trying to stay out of her way since he'd moved in, wanting to give her breathing space, and yet at the same time, trying to decide just what they were going to do about the situation they found themselves in. If it wasn't tricky enough as it was, he danced around her moods trying to be there if she wanted him, but it was apparent that she had been doing alright without anyone up to this point. Yet for the sake of their child…

He'd never thought of the baby like that. Their child. It was both of theirs, a part of each of them. He'd never imagined it as part of himself and Buffy, always as a part of himself and Lily, coming from Buffy, as a great gift. It felt as if somewhere deep inside a knife was stabbing him, the pain filled every fibre and nerve in his being, this was not the future he envisaged for himself and the woman he watched. This was not what he would have wished on either of them. Yet the reality of what was happening could not be ignored, and he needed to make some sense of what was happening in his life, it was making him crazy. He needed some order, and he needed it now. Taking a much needed deep breath he looked at Buffy once more, and decided that there was no time like the present.

They couldn't keep dancing around the subject forever.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

~The Truth~

Spike moved away from the landing, stepping quietly towards Buffy as she sat down on the sofa. Sitting down on one of the others seats, he turned his attention to the television that was on, with some programme that Buffy obviously was not watching. The silence hung between the two, neither knowing what to say to the other, each too wrapped up in their thoughts to even try to contemplate saying something. Some say 'silence is golden', but it was just driving a wedge deeper between then, it had to come to a head at some stage, and the sooner the better.

Buffy watched Spike with her peripheral vision, too scared to make eye contact with him, she could see that even though he stared at the television, he really wasn't watching it. In her mind she knew that she should speak to him at least, and try to make things a little easier between the two of them, considering that they had some important decisions to make. Decisions that would last for at least eighteen years. It was so overwhelming to find herself in this situation, she sighed with the gravity of it all. Buffy knew that she had to get along with Spike for fear of losing the baby, as he still had the contract and he could really do what he liked. Deep down she knew that he wouldn't really use that against her, but it was still a realistic fear, however she also knew that he was a good man, one that would support her and be there for her.

She had a feeling that he'd committed himself to this, and yet to what cost she just didn't know. Spike had seemed to give up everything that had been his life with Lily, he never went to their home, and he never brought anything from home to remind him of her. Buffy could only fathom the pain that he must be going through, and how screwed up he must feel. Even though Lily had left her in a predicament, she could hardly imagine what he must be experiencing, his wife leaving, and his sister-in-law pregnant with his child. Talk about your double whammy and ending up in the Twilight Zone, he'd said that he'd be there for her, but who was there for him? She wasn't the only one who needed support in this chaos, she couldn't deny the fact that before this they had been good friends, and she still thought that they were. Yet she had not been much of a friend lately, she was so wrapped up in herself, would it really hurt to be the one that laid out the olive branch.

"Spike?" Buffy broke the shattering silence.

"Yeah?" Spike turned his head again to face her.

"Ummm what you want for dinner?" It was the only thing that she could think of to say.

"Whatever, don't go to any trouble," Spike nonchalantly threw back at her.

"Okay, but don't tell me that you don't want it, because my cravings do my thinking for me!" Buffy responded in kind.

"Pfft," was the only response Spike could come up with.

Buffy looked down in defeat, she didn't have the courage to bring up what needed to be said, the last few weeks had just been horrible. The mix of feeling like she was going to erupt from the inside out with the morning sickness, to having no appetite, to wanting the most undesirable food combinations known to man. She didn't notice that Spike watched her after she broke eye contact, he could guess by the expression on her face that she did want to talk.

Yet something held her back, if she was thinking the same way he was, it was driven by fear, for him the fear that he would drive her away and be left with nothing. He had yet to tell her that he'd made up his mind that he and Lily were history, as if he had a choice in the matter. It was just another thing that he didn't seem to have a choice about It seemed that everything in his life, over the last few weeks, had been controlled by other people, something he couldn't stand, he was so used to being 'in-charge' of everything that went on around him. He also felt the overwhelming uncertainties about where he fitted into the picture where the baby was concerned. Maybe he should take the leap that Buffy could not.

"Buffy?"

"What Spike?"

"We need to talk, "Spike stood up and moved to sit down besides her, taking the remote off the coffee table he turned off the T.V. set, "We need to get the un-pleasantries out and in the open, don't you think Luv?"

"I don't know Spike?" Buffy hesitated at the thought of having to face some realities that she just didn't want to.

"Better we talk about it now, than when the baby starts pushing itself out and says 'hi mum and dad!'"

"Mom"

"Yeah that's what I said, 'mum'"

"No…" Buffy gave up, "Okay what do you want to talk about?"

"The obvious, Lily," Spike saw the pain flash across her eyes, which she quickly masked as she looked away from him and stared into her hands, "Not a pleasant subject for us both, but necessary, if we are going to get anywhere…………"

"What's there to say, she dumped you and left me holding the baby!"

"That's the obvious pet, but why?"

"I have no idea!" Buffy began twisting her hands together in dread, he could feel it coming off her in waves, and it was the most obvious sign to people that knew her, that she was lying. She was good at hiding her feelings half the time, but she was always a terrible liar.

"Buffy, please don't lie to me….ever!" The threat resinated through her, making itself evident as she felt the bile hit the back of her throat, she could feel her heart pounding in her chest, as it battered against her, racing in fear. Fear that he would drag her suspicions out of her, "Do you know something I don't!"

"No…...no." Buffy's voice was a mere whimper.

"Buffy, tell me!" Spike took her chin in his hand and made her look at him, "If you know something, tell me. I won't be angry with you sweetheart! But I need to know, because I'm in the fucking dark here!"

"It's not relevant to now…...I'm sure of it!" Buffy tried to get him to back off.

"What….what's irrelevant?"

"She said you two worked it out!"

"Worked what out?"

"You know, you two."

"No I don't Buffy, you need to explain it to me!" Spike's voice went up a few octaves as his frustration began to bubble over.

"The thing, you know, two years ago!"

"What thing two years ago?"

"The affair!"

Spike exploded, he shot up on his feet, swearing and cursing like Buffy had never seen before, the veins on his necks protruded with the elevation of his emotions. It was clear to even Buffy that Spike had no idea what she was talking about, he was oblivious to Lily's affair. Another betrayal of Lily's it would seem. She'd told Buffy that she'd worked it out with her husband, and all had been forgiven, it was never to be mentioned again, and especially to Spike.

"Buffy please explain that last bit. I must have missed it!" Spike spoke to Buffy finally; he seethed his words through his teeth.

"I…...I…..." Buffy felt like the lowest of the low to have to tell him about Lily, "She…...she"

"Don't be afraid luv, tell me. Please I need to hear it, and hear it now!"

"I'd just better tell you from the beginning then…" Buffy's words wandered off as she told him of her discovery a few years ago….

Buffy was returning home, getting a non stop flight from Sydney to L.A. after a much needed holiday, luckily for her someone had cancelled at the last minute, and she decided to take the seat, rather than face a long frequent stop flight. As she opened her front door into the apartment where she was living, she could hear the unmistakable sounds of sex, the moans and the groans filled the room, combining with the unique sound of the headboard banging on the wall. One of those groans was conspicuously the voice of her sister. 'Just great! Just what I need, my sister doing it in my bed!' The thought made Buffy feel sick. However, what she heard next made her feel even worse, her sister screamed out the name of her lover, and it was not her husband's name, it was his best friend's.

Frozen in that moment of discovery, and not sure what to do, Buffy sat down on the sofa in shock, swallowing hard so that she wouldn't be sick. She couldn't believe it, her sister was here, with her lover, and she was using her bed. The sheets would have to be burnt, it was the only real decision that Buffy could make. She'd sat there for a short while when Spike's so called friend Liam came out of her bedroom, stark naked.
Buffy turned to face her unwelcome guest, and just stared at him as he retreated back to the bedroom, yelling for Lily to "come out into the living room".

Lily had promptly come out to find her distraught sister sitting on the sofa. The look of shock upon being discovered was written all over her face, entwined with guilt. Lily sat down on the other sofa in the room, and began to cry, telling her sister over and over, "I'm sorry". Buffy could only stand up, she refused to even acknowledge either of them being in her apartment, as she coldly she turned her back to her sister.

"I am going out for 15 minutes. You have that time to get out!" With that, Buffy grabbed her handbag, and left her apartment, not looking back once.

Over the coming weeks, Buffy had ignored her sisters' pleas to talk to her, until one day she'd shown up on her front door step, cornering Buffy into letting her into to 'explain'. Her sister told the sob story that it was only 'a bit of fun', that she 'loved Spike', and that she'd confessed it all to him. Spike had been deeply hurt by his wife's betrayal, and wanted to 'try again', that their marriage was just too important to him for them to throw it away. However, most importantly, that it was never to be spoken of again, and she made Buffy swear that she would never talk to him about it, or ever mention it.

Buffy had accepted this, especially when one-year later Lily had announced that they were going to try to start a family. The year of trying, and discovering Lily's infertility, had been hard on the couple, or so Buffy had thought, so she never had spoken to Lily or Spike about what had happened that day ever again. Until now…

"…...She said that you'd forgiven her, and that it was over. That the baby was like a new beginning for you both. That's one of the reasons I offered, because I thought that it would be such a great thing for you both……………" Buffy's voice faded into the background for Spike, as the truth surfaced.

"I didn't know. She lied to me!" Spike turned to her, "You should have told me! It's just as good as holding back the truth!"

"She promised me that she'd told you! She's my sister for gods' sake, I had to believe her! I just had to!"

"Bloody fucking hell!"

"Spike please!"

"Please what? Don't be angry! Don't be sad! Tell me what I'm meant to feel Buffy, go on tell me!" Spike began to pace the living room, "Do you think that I'm an unfeeling git, or something!"

"No!" Buffy shouted her denial.

"Then what!"

"I don't know?"

"Why tell me now, after all this time?" Spike stopped and stared at her, "Why?"

"I don't know?"

"Do you think…?" Spike looked at her more intensely, "Do you think she's done it again?" He took a step in her direction, and took her silence as an answer, "Has she Buffy? Has she been seeing him again? Or someone else?"

"No...I don't know...I swear that I don't know!' Buffy looked straight into his eyes, "Do you think I'd allow myself to get pregnant if I suspected that she was! Do you take me for a fool?"

The tables were turned; Buffy began to become angry about his line of questioning, and innuendo that she knew something. She took her cup into her hand, and stood up, moving in the direction of the kitchen, Spike's hand shot out, and halted her progress. He took several deep breaths trying to calm himself down. He tried not to doubt her words, but they did ring true about one thing, she wasn't a fool, and wouldn't have gone through with every procedure, if she suspected that something was wrong between the couple.

"I'm sorry Buffy! I believe you," Spike looked intently at her, with a sigh he conceded, "I'm sorry that I doubted you. But do you think that she's run off with someone?"

"I don't know. I'm sorry Spike, but I just don't know," Buffy looked at him, he looked so lonely at this moment in time, "I don't think I know my own sister after this."

"Just like I don't think that I know my own wife," Spike let her arm go, and went back into the hallway and onto the staircase. Going up the steps, all manner of thoughts crossed his mind; he just did not want to believe any of them. That is loving wife would have slept with a mate of his, it was just too horrible to believe, deciding his next move he went into the office and picked up his mobile phone. Dialling Liam's number he got a 'this phone has been disconnected message', throwing the phone against the wall, he picked up the handset of the phone that sat on the desk, he dialled Liam's home number and got the same thing. Slowly he dialled one last number…………………

'Hello, can I speak to Liam James, please?" A long silence followed, "When?" Another pause, "Where?"

Buffy heard another loud crash as she sat in the kitchen below, she guessed that he'd thrown something in anger, she heard the soft muffles of his voice down below, and figured that they would have to buy a new phone. The next set of words she didn't miss, as Spike yelled out a series of profanities that would make anyone's hair curl, which was quickly followed by the slamming of the study door, and the loud thumping of his feet on the staircase.

"The bloody bitch…...they've gone! They've both gone!" Spike stood in front of her.

"Who?"

"Who the fuck do you think, Santa and the Tooth Fairy!" Spike grabbed the end of the kitchen island in front of him, his hands went white from the pressure he was forcing onto the wood, "He's gone! He resigned and left without severance pay, both his phones are cut off, and his darling secretary says that he's in England. So I guess that answer's my question, and answers your doubt!"

"Maybe….maybe it's just a coincidence." Buffy spoke, but had misgivings about the words she had just uttered.

"Like hell it is!" Spike turned to Buffy, "I don't like being played for a fool Buffy!"

"I never said you were!"

"I know! But this just makes things a little easier!"

"What do you mean?" Fear resinated through Buffy's voice, frightened that because of what her sister may have done Spike might just do the unthinkable, and decide that he couldn't cope with any connection with her sister. Which meant, he would not want her anywhere near the baby.

"A divorce for adultery!"

~~~Chapter Five~~~

~~Truth in Revelation~~

Spike sat at the front of the large glass conference table in his practice, he listened to the trade negotiations of the two large companies he represented. He didn't really listen to the people around him as they ranted and raved over each other, trying to forge the deal that was here to be constructed. His mind wandered back to 'home', and the situation with Buffy. They had in a strange way resolved some of their conflicting interests, the conversation about Lily had only been the beginning. They had come to agree that Spike could be involved in every aspect of the pregnancy and impeding arrival of their child. Somehow he had even gotten her to agree to allow him to come to her prenatal classes, and any investigation she may need for the pregnancy. That was something he was really looking forward to, as in a few weeks he would be able to actually 'see' the baby. Buffy had consented to him paying for a special ultrasound that would give them a 3-D image of the child.

So lost in his thoughts, he didn't notice his secretary duck her head around the door that led to the conference room from his office, or her drastic attempts and frantic waves to catch his attention. She had no option, as the people around the table began to mumble to themselves and each other that Spike apparently had his 'head in the clouds'. Opening the door, she walked in with an "Excuse me", moving straight towards her boss, she leant in and whispered something to him. He immediately stood, buttoned his suit jacket and walked to the door. He turned to look at the people in front of him, and not even saying a word he closed the door behind him.

In his office sat a young man clutching a briefcase, he was nervously playing with its handle. Spike could tell he was extremely uncomfortable being in the office, as it imposed the importance of the owner onto the visitor. Moving to the desk, Spike himself sat, as his visitor stood and attempted to greet him. He plainly rejected the greeting, making the man even more uncomfortable. Taking a pen in hand, Spike mentally summed up the young man, he could smell the fear running off him. He had no 'balls' at all, as Spike would put it.

"What do you want?" Spike's request was simple and straight to the point.

"Ummmmm…….I…um", he fumbled to open his briefcase to retrieve some papers, predictably, with his state of being, he dropped most of the content of his papers onto the floor, "Sorry……..sorry".

"Just pick up your papers, tell me what you want, and get the fuck out!"

His visitor was a bit taken back by Spike's use of language, not once that he'd been in his presence before had he heard him swear, he'd always been the perfect gentleman. Spike looked like he was about to bite the mans head off. Moving as quickly as he could, he picked up the papers and dumped them on the table. He arranged them into as neat pile as he could, then handed Spike the top few papers. Looking at them, he immediately understood what he was holding in his hands. He threw them straight back onto his desk, barely glancing at them. A small smirk filled his face, as he began to swing slowly in his office chair.

"So Warren sent you to do his dirty work?" Spike questioned the man before him, "Not man enough to face me?"

"Mr Freemantle, I am just doing my job, okay!" Finally he spoke, his voice broken with his obvious discomfort.

"So Andrew, explain it to me. What exactly is your job? Lackey boy?"

"Well usually I just handle the easy stuff, you know like conveyancing……..things like…." Andrew stopped as he thought he heard a very quiet "stupid wanker".

"Well today it's messenger boy!" Spike leant over and looked ominously over the desk at his guest, "Tell your boss, that the message has been received, and it will be a cold day in hell that she gets anything!"

"But you haven't even looked at the papers!"

"I don't have to, you git!" Spike picked up the top paper, "I bloody well know what this paper is, I can read you moron!" Spike hurled the paper back at him. Andrew could not but read the 'Notice of Legal Separation, and Notification of Impending Divorce', spelt out on the forms, "You've done your job, now get out!"

"I'm just doing my job, Mr Freemantle! You will be hearing more from us, I am sure!"

"Don't make idle threats to me that you cannot back up!" Spike spoke in harsh tones, "And tell your client to contact her sister, she has some news to share."

"News?"

"Yes! Happy news. But then that depends on what your client will think as happy." Spike got up out of his chair.

Taking the hint, Andrew quickly removed himself from the room. Sitting down again, Spike picked up his phone and dialled the number of the best damn divorce lawyer in town. He was not about to let Lily get off scott free, and take everything that he'd worked for. He read the list of her demands that now lay in his other hand. She had just about demanded everything that they owned from the house, down to the damn silverwear, she might have as well have asked for his soul. He was not about give her everything, not after what she'd put him, and Buffy through.

Thinking of Buffy, he just wondered how she was going to react to the news of her sister filing for divorce. Deep down he hoped that she would in someway support him. Fate had dealt him some bad hands lately, but Buffy and the baby had been the only pleasant thing in his life. It had given him a reason not to fall apart, as much as he wanted to just crawl somewhere, and disappear for a while. He knew that he couldn't, he had responsibilities now to people who mattered in his life.

He frowned at the trail of his thoughts, he'd never would have even considered this situation at all, it was so contradictory that it just seemed inconceivable. Yet conceivable it was, especially the life that lay in Buffy, and he couldn't just separate the two. In a way they had become so entwined in his life and future, it was hard to think of one without the other, or his future without either of them. He picked up the legal papers again, still waiting on the phone for someone to pick it up, he finally realised that yes he'd be contemplating what was going on, but in fact he'd actually had something even deeper…………………..

A revelation.

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Buffy sat in a café across town with her best friends since childhood, drinking coffee and making small talk. Willow, Tara and Xander talked about life and their latest happenings, but still Buffy remained quiet amongst them, just watching and listening. She contemplated telling them what was going on, as the obvious truth would make itself apparent in a few weeks or more. Buffy knew that her friends would support her no matter what, but it niggled at her that she knew that they probably wouldn't understand what, or why she had done what she'd done. Being a surrogate in the first place, after what had happened, or deciding to keep the baby. Trying to explain what was going on with Spike just made her feel ill, she didn't know if she could stand what they might say about that.

However, holding back would get her nowhere, telling them later would only put off the inevitable, and probably make things more complicated than they are. She knew that they would probably be hurt she hadn't even told them anything from the beginning, but she'd had her reasons and what they were she just wasn't ready to share. Looking at her friends, she silently summed up what each would probably think, Willow and Tara would probably be happy for her, considering that they both were a couple and could understand the need to have an unconventional pregnancy to have a child.

Now Xander would be another thing all together, ever since they were kids he'd never really let go of the hope that they would get together, as much as Buffy had put him off the idea, it had never really sunk in. If the truth didn't then nothing would. Buffy smiled with this idea, her friends stopped their conversation as a small laugh erupted from her. They looked quizzically at her, Buffy stifled anymore laughter and had a quick sip of her tea and took a deep breath. With some courage, she looked at each of them, and decided to get on with the task.

"Okay folks time for a little newsflash." Buffy tried to make light of the situation that would surely erupt.

"News Flash Buff?" Xander spoke first, "What get a new job, promotion or man?"

"Xander!" Both Tara and Willow spoke at the same time.

"No, no and no." Buffy nervously played with her cup, "Ummmm a bit bigger piece of news than that."

"What then?" Willow excitedly asked her friend, she had noticed Buffy's lack of enthusiasm for anything lately, "Come on I'm dying to know!"

"Umm okay", Buffy hesitated to tell her friends, she could feel their anticipation build up, "How do I tell you guys?.........Um………..okay…….um…………..I'm pregnant"

"Pregnant!" All three spoke together this time, united in being dumbfounded.

"Yep, as in with child, up the duff and knocked up!" Buffy laughed half heartily.

All three just sat there, it was the last thing that they expected their friend to say. Buffy usually lived a very quiet life with no sudden surprises, like the one she'd just presented them with. Willow and Tara just looked at each other, and Xander just looked at his coffee, Buffy watched on, as they struggled to find something to say.

"Who's the father?" Xander asked quietly.

Buffy was stunned for a moment with the question, she began to have second thoughts about telling her friends those details. Even with the cat out of the bag, metaphorically speaking, she felt the sudden urge to clam up, and not say anything. Xander let out an 'ouch' as Willow kicked her friend under the table, and side stared at him to keep silent.

"It's okay Willow! You guys were bound to find out anyway………but you need to understand that it's not what it seems. It's very complicated, and there is a lot you don't know, so don't get on you high horse till I get the facts all out, okay!"

"Hey Buffy, not all 'judgy' here!" Xander back peddled quickly.

"Yeah Buffy, no judgement passed! Juries still in!" Willow tried to reassure her friend.

"Let's just say it keeps it in the family." Buffy tried to keep her composure, "It's Spike's"

"What!!" Xander exploded knocking his coffee cup over, its contents going all over the table in different directions.

"Oh my god!" Willow's look of disappointment was written all over her face.

"It's not what you guys think!" Buffy tried to tell them.

"What isn't Buffy! You're pregnant by your sister's husband!" Xander tried to comprehend the thought, she could see the distain on his face, "I think it's called cheating, not pregnancy!"

"You think that I'm capable of that!" Buffy's angry voice filled the air.

"Well it wasn't an immaculate conception, was it?" Xander sarcastically asked.

"No Xander, it actually was an insemination!" Buffy threw back at him.

"Are you that desperate for a child that you had that done to you?" Xander accused her, "With your own brother in law? What's that Buffy? Wasn't an anonymous donor good enough? You could have asked me!"

"This has nothing to do with me having a child Xander! This was for Lily and Spike! You half brain! This was me being a surrogate for them!"

The 'ohh's' and 'awwhs' signalled that it was finally getting through to the group what Buffy was trying to tell them. Especially from the girls, Buffy had always told them what had been happening with Lily's infertility problems, but Xander had never been interested so never paid much attention, until now. He quickly settled down, apparently happy with the explanation, and tried to begin to clean up his mess of coffee. Buffy tried to reason with herself about not telling them the rest, but couldn't come up with a good enough rationale not to continue.

"Guys, there's more." Buffy quietly continued, "Lily and Spike have split."

The 'oh my god' returned, as Xander remained silent over Buffy's revelation, it was just too incredible for them to comprehend. Buffy proceeded to tell them the truth about what had happened, from Lily leaving, her letter to both her and Spike, to Spike taking up residence in her house.

"Do you think that's wise Buffy?" Tara asked her friend.

"What other choice did I have? He's part of this child's life."

"This is just too weird Buffy!" Xander had to put his two cents in.

"Maybe, but it's the way things are, and it's the best thing we could think of." Buffy tried to explain, "Xander, I know you care, but it's my life and this way I have some control over it."

"How can you have control over it with that man in your house?" Xander pushed the boundaries even further.

"It's none of you business Xander! This is up to me and Spike! If you cannot live with that, it's been nice knowing you!" Buffy made herself clear to her friends she hoped, that she wouldn't accept any interference from them, she could only hope they would come to support her.

"Okay I hear you!" Xander backed down.

"I need you guys to be with me on this one!" Buffy pleaded with them, "It's hard enough, can't you just accept things the way they are, and just be there for me when I need you?"

All three just looked at each other again, each remained quiet as they tried not to air their conflicting resolve about the matter. They could at least agree that they would be there for her, if and when she needed them. Buffy could still feel the shock and uncertainty hanging heavily in the air. Not wanting to continue this discussion, she stood and said her farewells, leaving her friends to digest the news.

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Buffy came home to find Spike sitting on the sofa, with papers spread all over her coffee table, she could tell by looking at him that something was deeply troubling him. Putting her bag in the hallway, she went to the kitchen to put on the kettle. She asked him did he want a coffee, or 'something', and with a tart reply of 'no', she made herself a cup. '~well someone's got the poops~' Buffy thought to herself. She took her drink into the living room and sat on the sofa opposite the T.V. Spike looked up from his papers, with a 'do you mind!' look on his face, trying to dissuade Buffy from even contemplating turning on the television, not amused Buffy threw the remote onto the sofa by her side.

"What's bothering you!?!"

"Nothing."

"Nothing sounds interesting." Moving around to his side of the living room Buffy put her cup down, and scanned the papers in front of him, Spike immediately began to pile the papers together, "Don't."

Taking the papers from his hand she looked at the top sheet, she could see that it was something about 'Legal Separation and Notice of Impending Divorce', it was clear what the papers were about. Flicking through the others Buffy caught her breath as she spotted the Surrogate Contract amongst them. She felt her chest tighten in anticipation, as her heart rate sped up with the adrenaline rushing into her blood stream, she gasped holding her breath.

"So Lily filed for separation?"

"So it would seem."

"Is Lily the only one in need of a lawyer?" Buffy separated the two papers, holding up the contract she had come to despise, "Can you recommend anyone?" Buffy laughed at the irony.

"Buffy!"

"Well Spike do I?"

"No Buffy, you don't." Spike moved the paper out of her hand, and placed it back onto the coffee table, "You have no reason to. I promise you."

"So…………………' Buffy was unsure what to say next.

'In other words sweetheart, you have no reason to worry Luv. We agreed that we'd both be here for the baby."

"Did we?" Buffy looked confused, "When?"

"The first night. Don't you remember?"

"No!"

"Then be assured Buffy, no one's going to take the baby from you………………no one!" Spike guaranteed her.

'I don't understand?" Buffy looked absolutely lost.

"Then understand this Buffy, it doesn't matter how the baby was made, no one will take him, or her from you. Like you said you're their mother. I won't take the baby from you."

"But you still have the contract! Who's going to say that you won't change your mind once the baby's here!"

"Look I said I won't!"

'Maybe I should see a lawyer." Buffy's voice lacked the confidence his had, she just didn't know if he'd keep his word to her.

"Not necessary Luv!"

Spike shuffled through the paper's until he came to a purple folder, with the name 'Summers' on it, taking out another bunch of papers he put them in front of her. Taking the hint Buffy looked over them to discover that Spike had indeed meant what he said, the papers stated that he would waver the previous document, and that they would share parental rights between the two of them, being the biological parents. Yet one factor was left out, she could believe that he hadn't thought about it, the obvious of course being Lily. She had signed the papers stating that she would accept parental rights to the baby.

"What about Lily?"

"She has no rights luv."

"Are you sure?"

"No." Spike was so quiet in his response, that Buffy felt herself shatter into a million pieces, "But I've sent her copies of this Buffy, she will sign them, I know that she will!"

"How can you be sure?"

"Because, she doesn't want anything to do with either of us, and especially the baby. I'm sorry to be blunt Luv, but she said as much in both our letters. She told you to get rid of it! "

"I know, but…………."

"No buts!" Spike looked at her directly into her gaze, "Buffy I need a copy of your letter."

"Why?" Buffy looked suspiciously at him.

"Ammunition."

"No!"

"Buffy I need that letter!!" Spike almost began to plead with her

"No Spike! I can't she's my sister for god's sake!"

"Buffy I want the letter just in case!"

"Of what? You not getting a quick enough divorce!" Buffy spat at him

"No, stopping her from taking action against you or me for parental rights and visitation!" Spike bellowed, but quickly looked away as he continued, "But yes, if I have to use it in the divorce I will!"

"I don't know Spike, I just don't know?"

"I do understand Buffy, but you have to understand that I will protect everything that is mine! Including this baby! Lily gave up that when she left!' Spike stood up and extended his hand as he looked down at her, "I'm offering you that same protection now, with a promise that we will work this out Buffy, but you have to trust me. You have to decide whether we are a united front or not?"

Buffy sat flabbergasted at his little speech; he'd thrown down the gauntlet, and made his intentions clear. He wanted her loyalty and trust, at the cost of her possibly giving him what he needed to crucify her own sister in her divorce. Conflicting emotion rushed through her mind, despite his words of a united front, she never felt so alone in her life. Everything had come to this point. It was like walking to the edge of the cliff and being told there is a bridge in front of you, you cannot see the bridge, but you're being asked to step onto it, and maybe fall to your death. Uncertainty flooded her every cell, she was scared to make a choice, and she just had to go with her instinct as she made her decision.

Reaching out she took his hand, she had made her choice, just as he had made his.

~~~Chapter Six~~~

~~Baby Pictures~~

Six weeks had passed since Buffy had made her allegiance with him, she still had yet to hear from Lily. Not one word. Not one line. Total silence. This only served to give Buffy more strength to believe, that she'd made the right choice about Spike. He was everything that he promised he would be, and more. Spike was so protective of her, that sometimes she just wanted to punch him in the nose. He'd make sure that she didn't carry anything too heavy, run to the store when she had 3am cravings, and hold her when she cried during silly sad commercials. She didn't really mind when she cried from the hormones, actually she found it quite soothing, and would sometimes continue to fake it, just to keep him holding her. She knew that it was a mean thing to do, but she loved to feel some human comfort, even if just for a while.

It gave Spike a warm fuzzy feeling to be at someone's disposal, especially somebody that had become such a good friend, over the last few months. He'd seen Buffy's fragile side, a woman he'd always considered an extremely strong person. Buffy, in all the time he'd known her, had never backed away from anything. So he knew when she'd accepted his hand, she'd given some of herself over to him in trusting surrender, just as he had to her. He'd given her back the rights to her child, and in return given her some power over him. To meet her in the common ground, in which they now found themselves.

He didn't mind that this meant carrying every damn heavy object that Buffy came into contact with, answering her call at 3am to get that whatever the craving of the night was, and he really didn't mind just gently holding her when she cried at the television. Sometimes he would just put his arm around her shoulder and let her cry it out, and other times he would pull her to lay with her back on his chest, as they sat on the sofa. He would grab one of his forever available tissues, and hand it to her, sometimes wiping the tears away himself. This act had given him a closeness to her that was totally unexpected, sometimes he would just close his eyes imagining that…

He would always stop himself, too frightened to go there, too frightened to see where his imagination would take him. Yet this never stopped his curiosity getting the better of him one night, as Buffy began her tears, he gathered her up into the sofa, resting one hand on the arm and the other around her shoulder. Spike looked down at a teary Buffy, sitting in her yoga pants and t-shirt. They'd become the most comfortable thing she owned, she began showing her pregnancy. He could see the slight bulge of her pregnancy through her clothes. To him she looked bloody gorgeous in sackcloth at the present moment.

"Buffy?"

"I'm sorry Spike, I can't help it!"

"It's not that luv. Can I ask you something? You can say no."

"To what?"

"Can……can I feel the baby?"

"No Spike, I can't feel the baby yet."

"No, I mean can I feel the baby?"

Buffy laughed through her tears, she hadn't really understood what on earth he was talking about, until she felt the slow and deliberate movent of his hand from the sofa, as it came to land softly over her abdomen. Taking a sudden deep breath, she pulled her head back to see his gaze stuck onto her stomach, finally it dawned on her what he meant! She placed her own hand over his and allowed him to feel her 'bump', as she called it, knowing it would probably mean a lot to him. She pulled up her t-shirt slightly, and let their joined hands search the raised abdomen. Buffy could hear and feel Spike's surprise at the turn of events, his hand glided over her warm flesh and the life that lay below it, the sharp intake of breath, and slight tremble in his hand gave him away. They just lay there together in a quiet moment, enjoying the feeling of tranquillity that flowed through and around them.

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Buffy made her way around the kitchen making herself breakfast the next day, Spike sat at the breakfast nook on a stool, with a scowl on his face looking over a package that had been delivered the day before. One that he'd deliberately ignored, not wanting to deal with the contents yesterday, his day at the office had been busy enough. It was a rather large package from Lily's lawyers'; he guessed that further demand documents and hopefully the waver to the surrogacy contract were in it.

Buffy watched him, as he tore the package open and pulled out its contents onto the counter top, it seemed to contain numerous legal papers. Which didn't surprise her, but what caught her eye was the single letter that fell from the documents. It was yellow, the exact colour that Lily favoured, before she could react, Spike picked up the letter and read the front. Letting out a loud sigh, he turned towards her and put out his hand with the letter in it. Looking at the worried expression that covered his face, she took the letter from him, turning it over she saw it was addressed to her, in Lily's hand writing.

Unsure what to do, she just stood for a moment, not certain whether to open the letter in front of him, or seek the sanctuary of the living room. Spike went back to the papers in front of him, averting his attention to his divorce papers. Taking this as a cue she walked into the living room and sat down. It was rather ironic to receive this letter today of all days, especially as it was the day that she'd have her first ultrasound scan of the baby. They'd decided to put the scan off as much as they could, as Buffy had promised Spike she would have the newer 3-D image scan of the baby, so they could get a better image/model of the life that lay within her.

Sitting for what seemed an eternity, Buffy finally opened the letter with a slight shake in her hand. She'd dreaded any type of communication with her sister now, especially since she'd made some kind of ties with Spike, she just didn't really want to know anything anymore that was related to her sister. Buffy wanted things to stay like they were now. She felt cared for and protected, something her sister could destroy with a single stroke of a pen.

Opening the letter, she read…

Buffy,
I got the 'happy news' message from my legal people, and I suppose that means you are pregnant, and with the message coming via Spike, I guess you've decided to keep it. I must say the giveaway was the 'Waiver of Parental Rights'. I haven't signed it Buffy, I'm sorry but my lawyer tells me not to, so I won't until he says. Please don't think I'm being a bitch, but I'm doing it on his say so.

I know that I never called like I said I would, but it was on my lawyer's orders once again, and maybe I might have made that decision anyway. I suppose that it's probably obvious that I have left with Liam, and moved back to England, and here I will stay. Grandmother has let me stay in her London townhouse, so at least I have a roof over my head. Life has been hard for the last few months, trying to find a job, and as you can guess deciding to go through with the divorce.

I'm sorry that you are caught in the middle Buffy, but it's the way it has to be. I deserve something in this divorce, and it might just get ugly. If I know Spike right he'll try and butter you up, say all the right words, do all the right things, but there is always a motive to what he does. I know that I look like the bitch now but just be careful Buffy, he'll manipulate you, and do anything to get what he wants. He can be a monster sometimes, so tread carefully or you could lose everything.

All I can really suggest Buffy, is that you get independent counsel, and stay low for a little while until this divorce is over. I can suggest the firm I'm using, they seem able in their job, maybe they might give us a family discount.

Love Always

Lily

Buffy sat and contemplated the contents of the letter, she ran the last few months through her mind. It was clear to her that Lily intended to use the surrogate contract against Spike, to get what she wanted. She'd hold it over his head until she got just that, everything. It hurt that she intended to use it against him in their divorce, and that Buffy was being used in Lily's grab for cash. Buffy understood the message about how Spike would use all his charm, and everything at his disposal to get what he wanted, especially the baby. Lily had made that abundantly clear.

She didn't want to believe that everything he'd done over the last few months, had been done with a motive behind it. Spike did want to play an active part in the life of her child, and he'd demonstrated in her eyes that he could be trusted. Yet with Lily she wasn't so sure, Buffy was seeing a side to her sister that she never knew existed. She would have thought that Lily would have just signed the waiver, allowing Buffy to take control of the situation with the baby. Lily had made it so clear that she didn't want the baby, but was willing to use it as a tool to get what she wanted. Keeping that in mind, she walked back into the kitchen and handed the letter over to Spike.

Quickly Spike read the letter and handed it back to Buffy, shaking his head, he went back to reading the documents in front of him, not uttering a single syllable. Glancing at the paperwork, she could see the lawyer's letter of her demands, and it would appear that she wanted a lot for her to grant him a divorce. It angered Buffy, that Lily would use her own sister in her battle for ownership of their combined belongings; she knew that Spike had brought a lot of it into the marriage. With that anger deeply embedded into her brain, she thrust the letter back in front of him, and dropped it before him.

"Take it!"

"Buffy, do you understand what you're doing?"

"I'm fighting for what belongs to me! She isn't going to take my child, or use it as a pawn in this divorce case. This should be between you and her!!! She's decided to make it personal!" Buffy was seething, "You promised to protect us from anything! So do it!"

"So you'll let me act on your behalf, with anything concerning the baby?"

"Yes!"

"Buffy…...could I use the letter…...if….." Spike asked her again, like he had a few weeks earlier, with Lily's initial letter, "Buffy the sooner I can untangle myself from this marriage, the more strength it will give us in the parental rights matter. We need to show everyone that we're together in this, in every way we can."

"I know Spike." Buffy sighed heavily, "Do what you have to do! Just don't drag it out."

"Buffy, I don't want this to drag out either."

Buffy remained silent as Spike picked up the letter and tucked it into his coat pocket, looking at his watch he noted that they still had a few hours until their appointment at the Medical Imaging Centre. He could feel the tension coming off Buffy in ripples, flooding the area around her, knowing that this was not good for her, or the child, he decided to do something about it. Standing up, he packed his briefcase with the documents, then turning to her, he took her hand before leading her to the back door. He locked the door behind him and led her to the garage and the Jeep within. In silence, he opened the passenger door for her, and moved around to the drivers, opening and sitting himself behind the wheel. Buffy still stood outside the passenger door, astonished at being left on the passenger side, considering it was her car.

"Get in." The request was quick and to the point.

Buffy did as he asked. Sitting herself down in the seat she fastened her seat belt, as he gunned the engine into life. Pulling out, he turned towards the main street that led to Sunnydale City Centre. They travelled along the road for a good ten minutes, before Spike pulled over at the local shopping centre. Pulling into a car space close to the entry, he got out and moved around to the passenger side

"What are we doing here?"

"What do you think luv?" Spike smiled at her, "Isn't it a favourite female past-time to shop?"

"For what?"

"Hello, dad here!! What else, but for the baby!" Spike smirked at her, "Buffy the little one will be here before you know it, and you don't have a thing!"

"Yeah, but…."

"No buts Buffy! Our kid needs a bed, clothes, toys, and nappies!"

Taking her hand, Spike led her into the complex, straight into a boutique baby store, and into the furniture department, stopping short in front of the cot displays. Buffy looked around herself surrounded by all the displays, not sure what to do or say. Spike moved slowly around the furniture, pulling cot sides up and down, looking at the craftsmanship of each, she noted not once did he look at the price tags discreetly attached. Buffy on the other hand, picked up one from the cot that stood directly before her, and felt dread come over her, as she looked at the price for the cot alone. Realising that there was no way she could ever afford this one, or any other one for that matter in this store.

She moved over to Spike, who now was looking more closely at what appeared to be an antique looking framed cot, something straight out of a magazine, with its patchwork quilt set, and beautiful mobile. The final addition was a coloured mosquito net that draped from the head of the cot. It was something that she would have loved herself, if she could only have afforded it. Lightly she tugged on his sleeve, trying discreetly to gain his attention away from his looking over the cot.

"Buffy what do you think?"

"It's beautiful, but….."

"Then what do you say we take it?" Spike cut her off, as he watched her look awkwardly around, "Or do you like another one?"

"No, that's not it," Buffy quietly replied, "Spike there is no way I can afford this stuff! This cot costs what I make in three months!"

"Are you politely saying you don't like it?"

"No, you idiot! I'm saying I cannot afford it!" Buffy felt belittled by her predicament, it was fine for him to choose what ever he wanted, but she still had to live within her means.

"Buffy, I'm not asking you to pay for it!" he quietly replied, trying to keep his voice down, "I'm sorry if I didn't make myself clear, but this is my contribution to the baby's things. Well one of them anyway."

"One of them?"

"Buffy, please don't argue with me! This is at least something I can do to make things a little easier for you. If we do this now, then we don't have to worry about it later!"

Buffy let his words sink into her mind, she didn't want him to spend so much on something, that the baby would only need for a few years anyway. Yet as she looked at the cot more, she really began to fall in love with it, and with a little hesitation, she gave in. Picking up the netting that lay on the side bar of the cot, she could imagine the little person that would sleep within it, surrounded by the beauty of the thing that he/she slept in. Spike smile turned into a smirk, as he watched her features soften on her face as she gave into his want to buy it for her. Moving to the other side of the cot, he leaned over picking up the quilt. He was about to ask her something when the sales assistant came over.

"Hello. Can I help you with anything?"

"Ummm well, we're just discussing things," Buffy replied to her first.

"We we're just talking about sheet sets, and things?" Spike laid the quilt back where he found it.

"Well would you like to see our exclusive range? I am sure that you'll find something that you both like for the baby. We sell everything in matching sets, from the pillow cases, bumpers and window curtains."

The woman became totally animated in her delivery of her sales pitch, as she was surely mentally calculating her commission from this sale, "When is your baby due?"

"In about five months," Spike answered the woman.

"Are you just now looking for the baby?" Her look of shock astounded both of them, Buffy quizzically looked at the woman and Spike was just amused, "What about a pram, portable cot, baby seat or two for the cars, change table, high chair, baby bath, baby linen and clothing?"

Buffy opened her eyes wide at the list that the woman was spurting out her mouth, she hadn't really thought about all the things that the baby needed. She knew that it was a sales tactic by the woman, but it was a damn good one to get people to part with more of their money.

'Ahh, no we haven't," Spike looked around the store, mentally calculating what they needed, and it seemed a good idea just to tell the woman to ring up the entire store as a sale, and pack it for delivery, "Does the cot come with other furniture?"

The sales woman turned around and pointed to a change table, cupboard and side table, which she quickly demonstrated to them, showing all the mod cons hidden in the old style furniture. She then navigated them through the store, showing them two prams, baby seats, cot sets and clothing, that would probably cost the earth. By the end of a few hours, she'd given up any thought of buying the things herself, if Spike wanted to spend his money, well then she'd let him! She kind of had a naughty thrill knowing that he was paying way too much for the stuff, but it was his prerogative and she'd have the most beautiful nursery when they were finished. Then so be it, let him pay for it!

The sales woman guided them back to the register and arranged for the ringing up of the sale, taking the credit card that Spike offered her. She even threw in a few other gifts of toys for the baby, considering the small fortune that Spike had just spent in the store. Buffy ran her hand over a soft plush teddy bear, with large sad eyes, and moveable joints, a single tear ran down her face. Spike turned and watched as Buffy's tear slid down. With his thumb, he wiped it away from her cheek, then taking her hand he pulled her away from the counter, and with the other picked up the bag with the toys in it.

"Thank you for shopping with us Mr and Mrs Freemantle," The woman behind the counter spoke up as they began to depart, "I hope that you have a safe delivery, and have a wonderful time with your newborn. If we can help you with anything else, please don't hesitate to come back and ask for me."

Buffy's mouth hit the floor, as she struggled in trying to answer the woman, to correct her about her assumption of them being married. Spike pulled her hand a little harder, as he walked out of the store with a 'thank you', dragging a dumbfounded Buffy behind him. He turned and looked at her as he tilted his head, silently begging her not to reply, and engage in any more conversation with the annoying sales woman. He lifted his other hand, showing her the time, indicating that they needed to get to their appointment. With a silent nod from her, she complied with his wish, and they made their way back to the car, to go see their baby via the wonders of modern technology.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Reaching the medical centre just in time for their appointment, they were quickly ushered into the sonography room. A young woman waited for them as she cleaned the examination bed and made it with fresh linen.

"Mrs Summers?"

"Yes," Spike answered her, before Buffy could, as she watched him stare at the all the contraptions in the room. Buffy guessed that he wasn't really paying much attention to the sonographer just yet, so hadn't really heard what she had said.

"Mrs Summers, behind the curtain you'll find a gown, you can leave your underwear on, thanks. Just come back out when you're ready," She gestured to Spike to take the vacant seat at the side of the exam table, next to one of the many screens that filled the room.

Buffy did as she was asked, moving quickly she placed on the white cotton gown, and with a slight hesitation she moved the curtain aside. Spike turned his head to see her, she seemed a little embarrassed to be seen so bare in front of him. With an encouraging smile, he patted the examination bed that he sat next to with his hand, and with a slight nod of her head she made her way to the bed and sat on the side, waiting for more instructions from the sonographer. The woman in question picked up a sheet from the linen trolley, and asked Buffy to lay down on the bed, taking the sheet, she covered her patient's lower body.

"Okay Buffy, let me introduce myself. I'm Megan, and obviously the sonographer, which means I'll be taking baby's first picture," Megan laughed, "I'm going to be putting a cold gel like substance on your abdomen, then I'll be using this wand like thing with a flat edge to be take the scan, and voila we'll see the baby!"

"Okay," Buffy quietly responded.

"First I'll take the standard 2-D scan, and then later I'll take the 3-D image scan. It's basically the same thing, but a different computer program, okay?"

Megan began to lift the gown away from Buffy's abdomen, holding the sheet in place with her other hand, "So, do Mom and Dad want to know what sex the baby is?"

"No" and "Yes" came out of both of them, Buffy the negative and Spike the positive, Buffy looked at Spike with a furrowed brow, "Okay Buffy, no," Spike conceded to her wish not to know.

"If you guys change your mind you just have to ask your Obstetrician, he'll get all the results anyway," Megan answered as she tucked the gown just under Buffy's bra, and tucked the top of the sheet in her pants, "So Buffy how far along are you?"

"About 16-17 weeks."

"Excellent, thank you."

Taking the gel in her hand, Megan placed a generous amount onto Buffy's stomach, turning towards the ultrasound machine, she turned it on and sat down. She punched Buffy's details into the screen in front of her, and then took the wand and placed it onto her abdomen. A soft rapid 'thud thud' filled the room from the loudspeaker on the ultrasound machine, Buffy looked questioningly at Spike, then at Megan, who was playing around with the dials on the machine.

"Yes, that's your baby's heart beat," Megan watched Buffy, as she still looked gravely concerned, "Baby's hearts beat a lot faster than ours, and it sounds normal."

"Ohh," Buffy quietly spoke.

"Okay let's have a look at bubby," Megan moved the wand around Buffy's abdomen, "Here they are…...there's the baby's head…...arm…....there's the other hand…...the baby's spinal cord..…leg and other leg." Even though it was obvious to them what was what, she pointed it out on the screen as she continued with the examination.

Buffy turned her head away from the screen for just a minute to catch a glimpse of Spike, she saw that he was totally engrossed in the picture in front of him. His gaze never moved, and he didn't seem to blink, even once, he was so totally wrapped up in the vision before him. Turning her attention back to the screen, she watched as Megan took other scans, like the diameter of the limbs, and organs of the baby. Buffy felt a warm hand take her own, as the scan continued, gently lacing its fingers with her own, and then giving her hand a gentle squeeze. Buffy returned her attention back to him, looking at him she saw the gratification he felt towards her, as he mouthed the simple words of 'thank you' to her.

"Okay, we're done with the first scan. Time for the 3-D image," Megan spoke to both of them, she changed the wand to another type, and placed more gel on Buffy's abdomen, "Let's get a good picture for mom and dad."

Megan ran the wand over Buffy, and flipped a few switches and turned the dials again, adjusting the image until a clear picture of the baby's head appeared on the screens around them. Spike's fingers tightened around Buffy's hand, as their baby's face appeared; their little facial features clear on the screen. It was a sight that made both of them smile in wonder of the little life that was displayed for them.

Buffy felt herself begin to tear up as she watched the screen, the wave of emotions flooded into her, ones of love, affection and protection. Spike touched the monitor that sat in front of him, and outlined the features of the baby with a single finger. Even though he had no physical connection with the baby, like Buffy, he felt the strong bond that lay deep within him, surface and sweep him away. He turned towards the woman that lay beside him, the feeling of overwhelming gratitude he felt at that moment was indescribable. He lent over and brushed her hair with his hand, she broke her gaze away from the screen as he caught her attention; he gently placed a kiss on her forehead, and returned to his seat.

Megan took the wand off Buffy's abdomen, before cleaning the instrument with a cloth, and handing Buffy a towel to clean up the gel. She placed a disc into the computer consol, and a video tape into a VCR, and hit a few other buttons on the ultrasound machine.

"I'm running off a few copies for you. You'll have a copy of both the scans on CD for your PC, video for the VCR and a few hard copies...….ohh sorry, pictures of each scan." Megan stated.

"Pictures?" Buffy replied a little vaguely, the sight of the baby had numbed everything else.

"Yeah, baby's first picture! You can also make an image of the 3-D scan into a desktop, if you have the software, or I could recommend a place that does it," Megan replied.

"No, I should be able to do that," Spike looked at the sonographer, "I'm sure that I'll work it out."

"Buffy you can get changed now, back into your street clothes, you should find a container of Wet Ones, behind the curtain to clean the rest of the goo off," Megan instructed Buffy. Doing as she was asked, Buffy got herself off the bed, and went behind the curtain.

"Mr Summers, here's the CD, video tape and pictures. If you lose any of them let me know, we keep the tape for at least a year," Megan handed him the things.

"Freemantle"

"Oh sorry...…Mr Freemantle…my apologies...…I just thought...…"

"No problem Luv!"

Taking the precious items from her, he got lost within the baby's scans, all time seemed to stop for him, as he admired the little image before him. He never heard Buffy call his name as she tried to get his attention, it wasn't until she tapped him on the shoulder, that it broke his trance like state. Megan moved to open the door to allow the couple to leave, and let the next couple in, she wished them well, and reminded them to go see Dr Singer in a week for the scan results.

They walked out of the building, stopping outside the main doors of the complex, as Spike finally handed Buffy the pictures that he'd been admiring, and she'd had yet to see.

"So which side of the family do you think they'll resemble?" Spike asked Buffy as she studied the picture that she held.

"It's a bit early Spike for that!"

"Well maybe, but if it's a girl, we need her to look like you, and if it's a boy……."

"What? Look like you?" Buffy laughed at him.

"And what's wrong with that! I'm a fine English specimen, thank you!"

"Yes, that's totally conceited and wrapped up in himself!"

"Hah!! Look who's talking!"

"Shut up Spike! Let's just go home, I'm all shopped and scanned out," Buffy pleaded, "I need a shower! Ewww that goo she used is everywhere!"

"Ahh, but you still look pretty!"

"Pretty messy?"

"No, pretty...…" For once, he was lost for words.

"Anyway, please let's go home!" Buffy pleaded again, Spike looked once again at the pictures, still stunned by the amazing site.

"Thank you for today. You have no idea how much this means to me." Taking her hand, Spike looked at Buffy. His face broke out into a large grin of happiness.

"I can guess, because it means the world to me," Buffy replied.

"It is my world too Buffy! The baby is everything!" With that Spike did the last thing that Buffy ever imagined, he leant over her, and placed a soft kiss on her lips, it was just a quick brush of his lips on hers, but enough to startle her. "You and the baby are the most important things to me, and never forget it!"

"I won't." A quiet and sombre reply came from Buffy, as Spike led her through the crowds and towards the car park. Her heart raced as it thumped against her ribcage, she knew that it was just a friendly show of emotions, but considering what they just been through, it sent her into a tailspin of confusion and numbness. Just how important they were becoming in his life was beginning to plague her thoughts, she knew that they still had to look beyond the pregnancy, and decide just where they stood in each others worlds. Buffy just didn't know how much or how little he expected her to be a part of his life, and how much she could give up of herself, to let him be a part of hers.

Old memories came to haunt her mind as she continued to walk by his side, memories and feelings that she'd buried along time ago. She never thought that she'd have to face them ever again, but it was evident now that she would have to exorcise her demons, and rid herself of these memories of false hope and....desire.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The next few weeks flew by for Buffy. She was into somewhere between the fifth-sixth month of her pregnancy, her 'bump' became more pronounced with each day that passed, well at least in her mind it did. Each day the little life nestled within her became more of a reality, and something that she began to hold on to in the chaos that was her life. Spike had been more than the perfect gentleman, protector and good friend, but that was it. That was all that lay between them, and it was beginning to bother her to no end. He seemed to be only thinking of the here and now, not the future, and not a day past the arrival of the baby. It seemed to have become his obsession lately; he would make sure that all arrangements for the birth were in place and perfect. That she took all her prenatal vitamins, coffee was banned from the house, with no bad food or drinks lying with 10 feet of the Summers-Freemantle's home. He would not even allow the chocolate that she craved everyday, nothing would persuade him to supply even a piece. He seemed to know when she snuck in a little bit; it was like he had a sixth sense, his radar on, tracking her every move.

The only place she felt total freedom was in the deep recesses of her mind, where old memories came out to haunt her days, and wreak havoc with her dreams. Buffy didn't know whether to blame the pregnancy with all its hormones, or her deep consciousness telling her something that she didn't really want to hear. In the end it all came down to long ago lost feelings that she'd had when she was young and impressionable. Feelings that were wrong and forbidden. She could still feel the rush of adrenaline, the increased heartbeat, and the feelings of desire, they flooded her body every time she remembered. For what seemed the 100th time that day she tried to shake them off, tried to think about something else, her job, the grocery shopping, the washing, anything she could so she didn't think about the baby, because then it always came back to him.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

~First Sight~

Buffy remembered the first time Lily brought him home to meet the family, to impress them with her new boyfriend. Lily had insisted that they go to one of the most expensive restaurants that the town boasted to impress her parents, as he was going to foot the bill therefore showing the great success that he appeared to be, from all Lily's accounts of her mystery man. He also appeared to be very punctual, right on 7pm as the hallway clock chimed the doorbell rang, announcing his arrival. Buffy heard her sister's clear yell of, "I'll get it!" from her bedroom as she put on the last bit of make-up, and flattened her best dress against her small frame. Making her way down the stairs she stopped mid-step on the topflight, her mouth agape staring at the man that stood in the doorway.

He stood not much taller than herself, sporting a dark blue suit, blue shirt with a red tie, and flaming peroxide blond hair. Yet what really caught her eye was the bright azure blue of his eyes, and the cocky grin that lay on his face as he embraced her sister in greeting. The jolt in her system was instantaneous, he moved into the hallway giving her a more clear view of him. She could feel the rush of adrenaline race through her body, jealousy permeated alongside its companion in her bloodstream. Jealously of her sister like she had never felt before. Buffy had been fortunate in her life, never to be jealous of anything that came her sister's way, but today was different. Today she wanted what her sister had, and the sad fact was she knew that she just wouldn't be able to really compete for this man in front of her, only an idiot would be unable to see how besotted he was with Lily.

Begrudgingly she walked down the stairs, and shook the hand of the man that was introduced to her. The same man who didn't give her a second glance as he took the hand of her father, and presented the bunch of flowers he had to her mother. He spoke with an obvious English accent, much to the happiness it would appear, of her father, and had impeccable manners so it would seem. All the family bar Buffy joined in the small talk that surrounded the new member of the group, her parents politely integrated him, yet still he never spoke to the somewhat shy younger daughter. After a short time, he motioned them to move out to the car that waited to take them to dinner. The limo only further impressed her parents, and made Buffy even more jealous, that he would go to such lengths to impress them.

The evening dragged its feet well into the night, Buffy just wanted to escape home and stick her head under her pillow. It was hard to deny the fact that, the more she got to know her sister's boyfriend, the more she could feel her attraction grow and nourish itself within his presence. He was turning out to be every young woman's fantasy, good natured, a great sense of humour, manner, and a divine body to go with it. He even on occasion tried to engage her in conversation, but Buffy couldn't find the words, they stuck to the roof of her mouth, she lost all her usual confidence, which he mistook for a dislike for him, and defiance of her family. Her parents blindly mistook it for insolence and rudeness, which her father would probably have a few words for her later that evening. Yet to her it didn't matter, if it was the only way that she could build up a kind of protective armour, to stop her from making a complete and utter fool of herself, then so be it.

Later on, Lily and Spike's relationship grew out into marriage. Buffy forced the feelings that had surfaced in her life, to the bottom of the abyss of her heart. It had only been 'a simple crush' on her future brother-in-law, one from a young woman yet to experience the real thing, Buffy thought to herself, 'Damn' whom was she deluding. She had been kidding herself then in the past, and it would seem this present moment in time. Her feeling for him had grown like her sister's, but he never saw it, as she hid it so well within herself. Not even her folks had guessed this development in her life.

Over time Buffy learnt not to think of him, she avoided him at family gatherings, at times she was bluntly rude to his face, anything to make him leave her alone. Her family would shake their heads in disapproval at her, still deaf and dumb to their daughter's desires. Buffy eventually began bringing her own boyfriends home for the family to meet, much to the amusement of Spike, who would make it a point to make their lives as uncomfortable as possible. He even scared one or two off, as he thought them not good enough for her, sometimes he would just do it to get under Buffy's skin, revenge for the years of awkwardness that she caused those first few years with Lily. She'd learnt to accept them as a couple a long time ago. For a while, Buffy thought it a pity that he never had any brother's, things may have been different. The early years became easier, as time progressed and in a strange fashion a truce was formed between them, with the deep feelings she felt for him so deeply buried, Buffy had been able to develop a comfortable friendship with her brother-in-law.

Buffy thought she'd left all those forbidden feelings behind her. Until now.

She sat on the sofa evoking long lost thoughts and feelings, she could feel her heart crying out not to be put through it again. Things maybe different now, but her and the baby were at their most vulnerable. Nothing had been settled between Lily and Spike, despite the divorce being in motion, Buffy knew that there may never be a chance, of any type of feelings or advances from her, would ever be reciprocated. It was unrealistic to even consider that he may ever. Yet that little voice in the back of her head kept telling her evil thoughts, that 'he was free now', and 'what do you have to lose?'

What did she have to lose? She had everything.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Spike arrived home that night to find Buffy in the kitchen preparing the evening meal, 'bugger' he thought to himself, he knew that he should have called her. "Buffy, don't worry about me for dinner. I won't be here."

"Oh, what a business meeting?"

"Um, kind of."

"Kind of?"

"Yeah, I'm taking a new client out to dinner."

"Who?"

"Harm Kendall."

"I haven't heard of him. I don't think you've mentioned him before.'

"Her."

"A her?" Buffy stopped chopping the vegetables in front of her, "Oh a her. But not a date?"

"Well I suppose it is, I guess."

"A date."

"Yes, a date."

"A date." Buffy moved away from the bench, she put the knife down and walked into the lounge room to sit on the sofa. Her mood just hit rock bottom, after such a topsy-turvy day, this was the last thing she wanted to hear. Spike followed her into the lounge room, and sat across from her. "A date."

"Buffy, you're beginning to sound like a broken record."

"Sorry."

"Don't be. I should have called you and let you know, but I had a bitch of a day. I'm sorry."

Buffy began awkwardly to pull at the apron that she wore to protect her clothing; she played with the single thread that was beginning to unwind from the edge of the tie. She looked at it funnily enough like a reflection of her existence now, a thread unwinding itself, destroying the fabric of her being. Spike just watched her, wondering what was going on in her head.

"You don't mind do you?" Spike asked her quietly.

"Why should I mind?"

"Well, I thought with the separation only being a few months ago," Spike sat back more into the sofa. "That you might think that it's too early."

"No."

"Then what Buffy. What's bothering you?"

"Nothing."

"It can't be nothing?" Spike watched as a pained expression came across her face, the first thing he thought of was the baby, rushing over to her side he slumped himself in front of where she sat. "Is it the baby? Are you in pain? Do you want me to get the car?"

"No!" Buffy pushed her way passed him as she got off the sofa, and walked away back into the kitchen, with Spike following her. "All you care or think about is the damn baby! Well hello!! Human incubator has thoughts and feelings too!"

"Buffy!"

"What!" Buffy screamed at him, "What!"

"I don't understand, Luv? What's wrong with you?"

"You!"

"Me?"

"You!" Buffy had enough; it was time for the course that they were on to change, even if it was only to make sure that they began focusing on their lives beyond the birth of the baby. "All we ever do is talk or live around the birth of the baby! But what about after he or she is born? What then?"

"Why are you bringing this up, Buffy?" Spike sat himself down in one of the stools in the kitchen, "I thought we agreed that we'd each play an active part in the baby's life."

"But how? What's you're bit, huh? Part-time dad, coming to see his child on the weekends, nominated by a legal agreement?" Buffy exploded, "And me? What about me? Full-time mom to our child, running my life around yours! While you work and play? I don't think so!"

Spike was dumbfounded by her swing in conversation and mood, he thought it must be a pregnancy thing. Nevertheless, she still had a valid point, even if she chose to bring it up this way, he would have hoped that this discussion would have happened at another time and place. Looking at the clock above the doorway, he looked again at the distressed woman that stood before him, he didn't know how to tackle this subject right know, and he didn't know if he really wanted to. The relationship between the two of them up to this point had been perfect, they had been living quite harmoniously and he didn't know if he could say anything that would make it better, or change her mood.

"Buffy, how did we jump from me going out to dinner, to what are we going to do once the baby's born?"

Buffy stood in deathly silence, she couldn't keep smothering her feelings anymore, she had so many unanswered questions floating around in her head, it was hurting so much she ached with it. It had stunned her into the dull quietness that poured from her, he just didn't get it, and she doubted that he ever would. Buffy was concerned about more than the here and now, she wanted a clear direction of where they were going. As hard as it was and as uncomfortable it made her, she needed definition and direction in her life.

"Forget it." Buffy moved out of the kitchen, up the staircase and into her room, slamming the door behind her, leaving Spike to follow her to the bottom of the staircase, scratching his head in wonder about what was going on in her head. Taking the slamming door as a cue, Spike turned and opened the front door, closing it as quietly as he could behind him. He never heard the quick and shallow sobs that just above the top flight of stairs, or the silent tears that fell onto a bunched up pillow, clutched tightly against a face that reflected a mirror of hurt and pain.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Later that night…

Spike sat at the dinner table, absolutely bored out of his brain, as his date blabbered on about something, he took absolutely no interest in what she was saying. He had to admit that this was the worst evening that he'd had out in ages, ~now if Buffy had been here, she wouldn't have been blathering on about~….stopping himself in that thought, he caught himself wishing that he'd stayed at home for the decent conversation he would be getting from her at least. He couldn't help but think and reflect on the conversation and scene that had played itself out before he'd left.

He knew deep down in his gut that he was missing a vital piece of some puzzle, he couldn't put his finger on it, he just knew that something was drastically wrong in the Summers-Freemantle's household. That was obvious considering what had happened in the early part of the evening. Maybe the whole pregnancy deal was creating such a heavy burden for her. Life hadn't been pleasant for him either over the last few days. Hence the thought of rejoining the human race again seemed a pleasant one, when Harm had asked him out. It was proving to be a big mistake, instead of locking himself in his home office, as his usual routine dictated, he had decided to go out with her, to distract him from the chaos that presided over his life at present.

He wondered if he should tell Buffy what had been happening in his life lately, but in a strange way he wanted to protect her, he had been trying to think of their future, nothing like how Buffy had accused him. The truth was that he had yet to untangle himself from the web that Lily had snared him into with the divorce, and because of this, he couldn't really think beyond anything but the present moment. The birth of the baby was the one thing that gave him real joy, and gave him hope for a new day, and hopefully a new life soon, beyond all this mess.

Lily's lawyers appeared to enjoy making his life a living misery, as they continued to try and part him from more of their joint assets and his belongings . It was with some professional pride that he withstood their daily attacks, and refused to budge on some points. In addition they continued their advice that Lily not sign the waiver of paternal rights over the baby, despite the fact that she walked away from this marriage for another man, and did not intend to ever be a part of the baby's life. It was like the blade in a guillotine, that they were willing to threaten him with, and chop his head off if he didn't comply with their demands. It was getting to breaking point, he was willing to give it all away, just to have some peace in his life, and get rid of the bitch.

Spike knew that it could threaten not only the outcome for himself, but more importantly Buffy herself, for if Lily wouldn't sign then Lily could walk in and demand the child. This was something that Spike didn't want, he promised Buffy the right to her child, to bring it up in this world, and he never wanted a woman like Lily to take over

He had to admit to himself that she was right about one thing, they had to make plans about after the birth of the baby, despite the obstacles that she didn't know about. Maybe even if he shielded her from the truth, he could still smooth the path, from the rocky road that they'd found themselves on tonight. A plan of action was needed, with clear definitions of what role they would play in the baby's life and each others. Maybe they could come up with some compromise about everything, to suit each other like living arrangements and time with the baby. Maybe…

The thought of not living at the same house as his child made him cringe, not being there for the baby's first words, or footsteps, and all those other important milestones made him feel sick. The thought that they would probably be reported to him by Buffy over the phone, or recorded on video to be watched later by him, just didn't seem right, he was the kids dad, and should be there for every moment, every millisecond of the baby's life he could be.

"Spikey?" A loud whiney voice interrupted his train of thought. "Are you even listening to me? You're not, are you!"

"I'm sorry Harm, what did you say?"

"What are you thinking so deeply about, Spikey?" Harmony moved around her chair to his side of the table, and laid her hand suggestively over his own, "Maybe about a little fun we could have?" She carped, her bright pink fingernail drew lines up and down his arm.

"I'm sorry Harmony but I was thinking about something important." Spike just wanted to go home and talk to Buffy, to reassure her, and not lose what they had worked so hard to establish.

"Sounds like a naughty boy needs to be taught a lesson!" Harmony continued to move herself more snugly up to him, rubbing her thigh next to his.

"I'm sorry Harm but I have to go home and do something important!" Spike tried to gently untangle himself from her grasp, but she didn't seem to want to give him up just yet.

"What could be more important then little old me and a little fun?" Harmony began to blow in his ear, he tried to pry her off more.

"Look Harm thanks for the offer, but…." Spike ended up physically lifting her hands of him, and moved his chair away from her, which deeply offended his companion.

"Oh my god! Who do you think you are turning me down?" Harmony let out, the saccharine sugary voice gone.

"Harm, I'm sorry but I'm not interested! I have bigger fish to fry than you, and more important things to do than play little games!" Spike quietly told her, with heads beginning to turn in the restaurant; he tried not to make a scene.

"Like who? Do you know who I am?" The real Ms Kendall decided to make an appearance, "I'm a lot of business to your firm Spike and I will not be treated like this!"

"I don't care Harm!" Spike was getting tired of her, "You could be the Queen for all I care! As for any of your business you bring in for the firm. You can shove it!"

"What!"

"I said you can shove it! I will not work for a pompous, primped, self-centred, self-glorifying, stuck up little bitch!" Spike let her have it, he'd had enough of her.

"And I wouldn't want to fuck a stuck up pig like you, William Freemantle!" Harmony let it fly, "You're beneath me!"

"You wish Luv!" Spike stood up, taking out his wallet he made his way to the Hostess's Desk, he took out a wad of cash and gave it to the woman at the desk, apologizing for his behaviour to her. He then turned back to Harmony and said, "That's a stuck up dad-to-be pig, thank you!" Harmony's jaw fall even further, and the hostess's silent clapped her two hands together with glee. He walked to his car and drove himself home, where he finally realised he should be tonight, with his future.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Letting himself in via the back door, he found the kitchen the way that Buffy had left it, with half chopped vegetables on the counter, and cutlery lying on the bench ready to be put out. He found the upstairs light on, and Buffy's bedroom door still closed. He walked up the stairs and down the passage, until he stood in front of her door, he lightly tapped on it and opened it up just a fraction. With no reply he walked in, and sat on the edge of her bed, Buffy lay on her side facing away from him, he watched her take in slow shallow breaths, but still he asked, "Buffy, are you awake Luv?".

"No. Go away!" Came an equally quiet voice from the other side of the bed.

"Buffy, we need to talk."

"I said no." Buffy turned her head a little, her eyes puffy from long ago dried tears, and a lack of sleep. "Please not now. Go away!"

"Tomorrow, Buffy? Tomorrow we have to talk!"

"Okay, tomorrow." With that, Buffy turned her head back into her pillow.

Happy with that, because he knew that he couldn't get anything more from her, and he didn't want to push his luck, he moved off the bed, and towards the door. Taking the handle, he said one last thing, "I'll see you in the morning."
He finally felt her despair and pain, as he heard her almost silent reply.

"You never see me, and you never have."

Spike moved away from her door after closing it behind him, he heard every word that she'd said. Every biting vowel, and syllable. He didn't understand it, but the pain in her words came through clearly.

"You never see me, and you never have."

Her words played over and over in his mind, this had to be the missing piece of the puzzle that he'd been grasping to find. The piece that may unlock the complex being that she was, and what was driving her at the moment. The words continued to reverberate through his mind, every rationale and explanation for what she meant bounced around in his skull. Yet it always came rebounding back to the same thing, which he dismissed, as it was just too hard to believe. He continued his way to his room, shaking his head as he closed the door behind him, the darkness of the room surrounded him, as he got ready for bed.

Sliding himself in between the sheets, he looked around the room, shadows formed from the moonlight that rained in from the window. The outline of the room became clearer as his vision adjusted to the darkness, the furniture took shape and he could just make out his shape in the mirror of the dresser. He looked as best he could at the reflection that he projected, every outline and texture of his form. Her words began to ring in his mind again. Maybe it was true, he'd never really seen her, just what he wanted to see. Never the real her, but then again had she ever really let him see the real her. Was she keeping it so deeply bound within herself that he never noticed? The answer screamed itself out in his subconscious, he scrunched his eyes shut, blotting out the world as he turned himself over in the bed, throwing himself over in denial. He refused to acknowledge his mind's answer, 'No don't say it'.

He could feel the walls of his world crumble around him, the truth couldn't be held back anymore. The past came flooding back, her behaviour when they'd first met, the truce when he'd married Lily, and their 'comfortable friendship'. All that time he never noticed anything different about Buffy, she'd been just that, Buffy. Spike tried to remember a word, a motion of her hand, a sign of something, anything that would make some sense of this chaotic mess. He couldn't think of a single thing. 'Don't say it,' ended his train of thought, 'don't say it'.

He turned over to look at himself in the mirror again.

"Say it." The words flowed out of him.

He clutched the sheets between his hands; he couldn't let himself answer. It was just too much for him to face, not only the truth, but also the implications.

"Say it."

Moving himself to the side of the bed, he dangled his legs over the side, and continued to look at his reflection in the mirror.

"Oh god, no!" Spike ran his hands through his hair, "No!"

A wave of emotion ran through him as he finally acknowledged the truth. The truth to why she had probably been shy when they had first met, why she had avoided him and had been rude in the beginning, and had put him at a distance whilst he'd been with Lily. Yet it didn't answer why she had gone through with the surrogacy. That thought plagued his very soul. Why would someone do that? It had to be for Lily, it had to have been. Or had it?

Memories of her being with them time and time again, when Lily had come out of Dr Singer's office with a negative result, went through his mind. He remembered Lily's promise of always 'next time', but 'next time' had never come. He remembered his own devastation, especially the last time. That had nearly been the end of him, and the one time that Buffy had come up and put her arms around him, once Lily had gone into the kitchen to get a coffee for all of them, if his memory served him correctly. In the comfort that she'd offered, he remembered seeing her pain for them, and her words of, "It'll happen, you'll see. If not this way, another. You'll have what you want."

What he wanted so desperately, was a child that he would have done anything for it to happen. Which it had, it had come from her, her gift of the baby to him and Lily. Yet why did Buffy do it? Why? The answer struck him with such a force, that it knocked the wind from him, and caused a great pain to spread through him, that started in his heart.

She'd done it for him. To give him the one thing that he always wanted. . She'd been willing to bury her own deep feelings to give him something that Lily couldn't.

A family.

He covered his face with his hands, they slid down his face in guilt, as the repercussions ran through his mind.

"Oh god, no. No," Spike finally acknowledged the truth. Buffy had done it from some deep emotions that ran through her, he didn't know if he wanted to label them, but he now saw the truth. He could truly see her.

She was in love with him. How could he have been so fucking blind all these years?

A single tear fell down his cheek as he realised the burden he carried, and the conflicting emotions that paralysed his mind, body and soul. What in hell's name was he going to do? Here he lay in her house, in her guest bed, hanging on to every moment he could of her pregnancy, and surrounded by everything that was her. He was drowning in her, every pore and cell of his body was perpetuated with her being, the baby had seen to that, and his desire to be with his child. The only place she wasn't was in his heart.

'Liar!' His mind screamed at him, he couldn't deny the fact that she held a small place in it, especially since he'd found out of her pregnancy, and the day she had taken his hand and accepted his protection. Yet his conscious screamed at him in pain, he didn't know if he could feel the same as her. He felt in some strange way that he'd let her down, and himself, by not seeing the truth earlier. He'd been in love with Lily, and he had been blind to everything else around him. Feeling trapped, he got out of bed and dressed; grabbing his wallet and keys he left his room. He ran out and down the stairs, fleeing the house and every thought that consumed him.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Upstairs Buffy had heard the guest room door slam shut, and the footsteps that followed down the staircase and out of the house. She felt the moisture run down her face, as her silent tears began. Pain filled and overwhelmed her. She grasped her stomach in her hands, as she felt the first little flutter of life move inside her. This only made the tears flow harder and stronger.

He must have heard her words.

She felt totally numb, time seemed suspended, the world seemed to have stopped turning. What had she done? The words had just flown out of her mouth, years of hiding the truth from herself and others had come flooding out of her mouth. Even though it needed to be said, a deep regret filled her, laced with anguish. The implications were too unpredictable, the thought of what Spike was thinking or feeling was too hard to even contemplate. It seemed ironic in someway, one sister glad to see the end of him, and the other holding impossible dreams and desires.

In her mind, she could only see his leaving as a sign of rejection, his intentions clear. He wanted the baby but not her, never her. She wiped the tears away from her face, and climbed out of the bed, making her way to the guest room, she entered and sat on the bed. Looking around she could see his personal effects around the room. For a second, she allowed herself to take it all in, his things in her house, the faint smell of his aftershave in the room, and his favourite leather duster thrown over the wicker chair in the corner. She lifted the duster up, and ran her hand along the leather, with its soft supple texture.

Buffy sat back down on the edge of the bed, and for a few moments she allowed herself to lie down along its length, to rest, just for a minute. She pulled herself into a ball, hugging the duster to her, and closed her eyes. 'What a mess', Buffy thought, 'What am I going to do?' The situation between her and Spike was spiralling down into dangerous territory, she could feel its darkness begin to envelop her. All she wanted to do was turn back time, and do this all again the right way.

All she wanted to do was sleep, and run away for a while in its unconsciousness. To accept the escape it offered. Just to rest. She just wanted to rest. Still lying on the bed, sheer exhaustion claimed her, and carried her into slumber.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Spike drove around in his car for hours, he ended up in front of his home, well the home that he'd shared with Lily. With a little reluctance he pulled into the driveway, and opened the garage door with the remote, before driving the car into it and coming to a halt. He sat inside the car for a few minutes, gathering his courage he stepped out and walked through to the connecting door to the house. It was flooded in darkness, turning on the light he squinted at the brightness of it, looking around it was the same as he'd left it the night he'd moved into Buffy's. The whisky and glass still sat on the coffee table, the cloth sat beside it. A sad smile came to his face as he saw the stain in the carpet, from the whiskey he'd split when he'd heard Buffy announce her pregnancy on the answering machine.

He went straight into the kitchen and grabbed himself a new glass to finish what he'd started. With a hand on the glass, ready to take it from the shelf, he looked at it and stared straight into it. This wasn't the answer, it would bloody help, but it wasn't going to solve anything, just give him one hell of a headache in the morning. Sitting on the sofa, he poured himself one regardless.

With some irony, he lifted his glass and looked at the contents. "Cheers' Luv", this time it wasn't for his ex, but for her. He downed the burning liquid in one gulp, looking at the glass in his hand, he raised it and hurled it across the room. He watched it shatter into a million pieces against the wall, as the shrapnel sheered itself across the room.

It was like the beginning all over again, except this time she hadn't run away from him, she'd been waiting for him to notice her, to see her. Quietly and silently, holding whatever she'd felt deep down inside herself. Yet what did he expect her to do, come up to him one day and say, "I know you're married to my sister, but I care about you!"

"Bloody Hell!"

His words broke the silence that surrounded him, and echoed off the empty walls of the house. He looked at the sheer whiteness of the room he sat in; he never really noticed how sterile and uninviting it had really looked. He couldn't help but compare Lily to Buffy, their homes were two completely opposite personalities. Buffy had embraced a country look that was warm and invited you into its depths. Whilst Lily had insisted on the totally white look that demanded extra care, and no messy hands or food spills. It's walls within sterile, uninviting and repelling.

This was the same place that he'd made his decision, the same seat, the same place. This was one of the consequences in his decision he'd made, in walking away from his marriage. One that he would have to live with, and try to resolve, but how he was going to do it was a total mystery to him. He remembered that he had made Buffy an accomplice, he'd made her decide which side she was on in this mess. He knew that she'd given just about everything up to side with him, she'd even risked her family, not that they'd even contacted her in these last few months. He shook with the ramifications of his actions. He'd never even given her family a second thought, the only thing that had been important to him had been the baby, and getting the hell out of his marriage. He'd totally overlooked Buffy's sacrifice.

Once again she'd chosen him, over all the others.

He thought about her family for a moment, they hadn't even bothered to call their daughter, but then again he'd never asked, never even cared to ask, to him they had been unimportant. He could only guess that they knew about the baby and Buffy's defection from her sister. That they were siding with Lily for some reason, he could only guess what she'd told them, probably it was his fault. It was his entire fault.

The memory of offering Buffy his protection only heightened his feelings of guilt, for every step he'd taken in dealing with Buffy, he'd somehow betrayed her. He'd demanded her allegiance, leaving her with nowhere else to turn. He'd used the fear of losing her baby to make her chose him, to force her hand. He'd even told her that he'd look after her rights to the baby and told her not to seek legal counsel. The waves of guilt were beginning to consume him, he had betrayed her even more than Lily had, or anyone else for that matter.

He'd done it for his own protection, and desire to keep the baby close to him, regardless of the outcome. Maybe he'd done this subconsciously, or not, he'd never even considered it, he just done it with out even giving it a second thought. The truth came out and smacked him in the head.

He'd been using her for his own means. Not once had he seen her, the real her. Guilt consumed him, as his heart broke even further.

He did care about her.

More than he should.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Buffy never heard the front door open, or the steps that carried the person up the stairs to her room. She never heard her door open, or the hushed "Buffy?" or the frantic steps throughout the house, as the intruder sought her out. They stopped directly outside the room in which she slept, slowly the door was opened to reveal the sleeping form of the owner of the house. Spike watched her sleep on his bed, with what looked like his duster encased between her arms. The sun was rising slowly through the edges of the curtain, allowing a low light to penetrate the room.

He swallowed hard, trying not to let the guilt he felt rise any further than it was. It was consuming his very soul, making his life feel like an eternal torment now and he didn't need to add anymore to it. What he needed to do was to make it up to her. So much that she would never need know what he'd done, or the guilt that languished him. He'd fix this bloody mess up, he'd make the best he could of it for her.

He'd give her what she wanted, a safe and secure future, no matter what the consequences held for himself. He wanted to make her happy and make her life perfect, he just hoped that she'd allow him to be part of that life. He knew he didn't deserve it.

He had been blind not only to her, but himself. With a even deeper seeded regret, he realised how much he'd come to enjoy her company, enjoy the comfortable life she'd given him, the haven from the mess of his divorce, with the support and trust she'd given him. The sacrifices that she'd made for herself, for the baby, and him were just too many to count. He hoped it wasn't too late to make some amends, and maybe just maybe make a life for themselves with the baby.

He stood stiffly as he realised what he was truly asking of her. He wanted her. All of her. He would take nothing less. The axis upon which his world stood was shifting dramatically, he could only hope that he, that they, could survive the oncoming onslaught. However, that would be up to Buffy. His true future lay in her hands, and if he was really true to himself, his heart as well.

How could he have been so blind?

A/N Thanks to Darcy and Kirsty for their great editing and beta reading..and their opinions. They always answer my call of 'help' or 'what do you think?'.

I would also like to thank Lady Brandywyne for her support and information of legal aspects to this fic…which I have bent every rule…I have no idea about laws etc, and her help has been invaluable and will add a little spice later to the fic…

Tell Me

Buffy woke, startled as the light hurt her eyes, already sore from the previous nights tears. Within her hands she realized that she still held his duster, only this time it covered her form and encased her within its warmth. She shook slightly with fear at the realization that he hadn't come home, yet the alternative that he may have discovered her in his bed, worried her even more. Quickly she got herself up from the bed, pulled the sheets straight as best she could and left the room. She ran to her room, slammed the door, and dived into the safety of her own bed.

Closing her eyes to the world around her, she felt like a truck had run over her. The nothingness that she'd hoped to find in slumber had never come, only idle dreams of what could have been, and worse the nightmare that followed with him finding out her deepest secret. The secret that she had blurted out for the world to hear, laced with her pain and regret. The sound of his footsteps echoed in her mind, the echo that they'd created as he walked out the door, and the slam of the door, felt like he'd slammed it in on her face.

Buffy's silent reflection was shattered by the clunking of cutlery and plates, that rose from the kitchen below. He was here, in the house. How long had he been here? Had he seen her in his room? Covered with his duster in slumber? Too many questions flowed through her mind, and not enough answers followed.

Slowly getting out of bed, she grabbed her dressing gown, left her room, and went down the stairs, making her way to the kitchen. She found Spike leaning over the stove, cooking what looked like an omelette. He turned his head and his gaze met hers with a big grin across his face. He looked tired, like he'd been up all night and hadn't had a wink of sleep.

"Hungry?" Spike lifted the pan from the stove, leaning it over in her direction. Buffy felt the waves of nausea hit her, she bolted to the downstairs loo, leaning over it she dry retched as she had nothing in her stomach. Spike quickly turned of the element and followed her to the bathroom.

"Sweetheart?" Spike leant over her as she continued to heave. He took a cloth from the towel rack, moistened it with water, and wiped her forehead as she rested her head on her forearm, over the porcelain.

"I'm okay." Buffy moved herself away from the bowl, "Please stop fussing."

"Hey enjoy it while it lasts?"

"Meaning?"

"Meaning what?"

"Answer a question with a question. Typical male!" Buffy stood rebutting any of his attempts at helping her up, it would seem that it was time she got used to doing things herself.

"All I meant was, soon we won't have time to make a fuss over anything. The baby will be taking up all our time." Spike broke out into a soft, smile as he leaned a hand over her stomach, outlining her growing abdomen. "I won't be able to spoil you as much."

Buffy quickly withdrew herself from under his hand, and left him standing in the bathroom. Making her way back into the kitchen, she got herself a glass of ice to suck on; it seemed to help with the nausea, but not her current irritation.

Spike.

"Buffy, are you alright?" Spike asked her.

"Hello! Pregnant!"

"Stating the obvious sweetheart!" Spike went back to the meal he was making, and flipped the omelette onto a plate, taking a knife and fork he sat down at the breakfast bar, and began to eat.

"I might be pregnant Spike, but I'm not stupid!"

"I never said you were!"

"I wonder sometimes about you Spike."

"Hmm good things I hope." Spike waited for her response, it seemed to be coming to crunch time, he could only hope it went well, and the way he wanted it to.

"Good? I'm beginning to wonder about that." Buffy crossed her arms as she stood behind the sink.

Spike dropped his fork, her words reverberated through his skull, he had to think quickly to try and not let this discussion spiral downward. He'd made a decision about the three of them, and now all he had to do was make sure he directed Buffy towards that.

"Yeah Buffy good things, because that's what I need you to think. That all I do is good for you."

"You sound like a cereal commercial Spike. Eat me, I'm good for you, and will keep you regular," Buffy smirked.

"Buffy, all I have is good intentions towards you and the baby." Spike got up and walked around the kitchen island, until he stood in front of her, "You and the baby are the most important things in my life. It may have taken me a little while, but I now realise that you and the baby are my world."

Buffy's mouth opened aghast with what he was saying, she realised that this was what she'd been dying to hear from him for years, her every secret desire realised. Yet something deep down inside was screaming that something was wrong, this was too sudden and a too quick a change of attitude for him. My god he'd been out on a date last night, left the house last night slamming the door behind him, and now stood in front of her all "you are my world". Lily's words in her letter came screaming out at her 'just be careful Buffy, he'll manipulate you, and do anything to get what he wants. He can be a monster sometimes, so tread carefully or you could lose everything'. She felt caught between her deepest desire to give in to what he was saying, and the little voice of caution in the back of her head.

"Your world Spike, what about mine? Don't I have a right to decide just where you fit into all of this?" It would seem that caution had won her over.

"Of course you do, but I thought we agreed to equal input into this."

"Equal. That's laughable Spike. You hold most of the cards, you are the dealer and the banker in this game."

"Buffy this isn't a game!"

"Isn't it?" Buffy shook her head at his response, she couldn't believe in her dreams and feelings anymore, she felt them shatter within to dust, "Sometimes it feels like you're playing a game, and I'm just a pawn in it!"

He flinched at her words, the thoughts from last night came flooding back, a reminder that the truth was that he had been manipulating her, and everything between them, to suit himself and his own agenda. Yet it looked like this pawn was beginning to struggle, to find her place within the maze of their relationship. Buffy was finding her own voice, and reason in this mess, and she had a right to, he just had to make sure that he was part of that voice and reason.

"Buffy you are not a pawn in any game I'm playing, you have to realize that. You mean more to me than that!"

"Well I'm not so sure of that anymore. I'm not sure of anything anymore." Buffy walked away from him. Spike stood in the kitchen, its silence echoing off the walls and deep into him. It would seem that everything he feared was coming true. He was losing the two most important things in his life.

Through his own stupidity and blindness.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

He found her sitting quietly on the sofa, staring into nothingness, lost in a world of her own. Sitting on his knees in front of her, he slowly took hold of her hands, clasping them until they were totally encased in his. He lifted them to meet his lips and gently placed a kiss upon them. Buffy stared through glazed eyes that brimmed with tears. She tried to remove her hands from his, but he applied enough pressure to keep them in his.

"I swear to you, that I only want to do the best I can by you and the baby. I know that it's hard to believe sometimes Buffy, but I do." Spike placed a hand on her chin and brought her face back to his, she turned to look away, wanting to avoid any eye contact. "I'll do anything to prove that to you. Anything Buffy, just name it, and I'll show you that I care about you and the baby!"

Buffy just didn't know what to say, or where to start, the apprehension filled her again, that something was wrong, and most of all the dread that he hadn't been truthful to her filled her with trepidation. The one man that had meant so much in her life, was not telling the truth, holding back information from her, and most of all she was beginning to feel manipulated, that she was being moulded the way he wanted her to be.

"Tell me that you've never lied to me." Buffy put it plainly and simply. "Tell me that I can trust you. Tell me…tell me…"

"What Buffy, what!"

"Tell me that you've never used me."

Spike's mouth hit the floor as he felt the bottom of his world fall from under him, he looked away from her, his hands slipped from hers, as he leaned back onto his haunches. He couldn't reply, the words stuck in his throat. Buffy saw raw emotions flow through his eyes and face, as the truth became obvious. Inside her the man she though he was shattered into a thousand pieces, pain sheared through her heart as it crushed within itself, and her hopes for the future became a mirage that disappeared from view. It left her empty and gutted.

Standing up, she weakly moved past the man that still sat on the floor, she hit her shin on the coffee table, knocking all its contents to the floor. Including the legal papers that he'd put there the night before, to which she'd not paid much attention , but they had her attention now. A bright red file, with, "Summers Affidavit" written across it fell to the floor. Looking back at Spike, she could see that he hadn't moved a muscle, except for the hands that now covered his face in disbelief. Taking the initiative, she picked up the folder and opened it, glancing at the content made her sick to the stomach. She quickly reread the papers, and took in the highlighted areas of the draft document…..

'I Buffy Anne Summers, hereby state the following to be a true and accurate statement….'

'I on the…date yet to be determined…did find my sister; Lily Daisy Freemantle with one Liam James, having sexual relations in my apartment, at….addresses needs to be confirmed... Which then Lily Freemantle requested that I keep silent about and refrain from mentioning to the applicant, William Freemantle.'

Further into the paper she felt the bile hit the back of her throat as she took in even more…

'I also declare that the following copies of letters from my sister, Lily Daisy Freemantle, are true copies, and I freely give them to the applicant William Freemantle, in his application for 'Application of Dissolution of Marriage Application Number 16012801' in support of evidence of the above statement.'

Buffy let it slide from her hands, the sound of fluttering papers caught Spike's attention, as he watched the papers fall before him. Getting quickly to his feet, he scrambled his way to stand beside her, he watched as the tears began to slide down her face, the realisation that he had been using her all this time to get what he wanted, the baby. Every word he uttered just a few minutes ago a lie.

All of it a lie.

"You lying, manipulating bastard!" Buffy slapped him hard across the face, "Get out of my house!"

"Buffy please let me explain!" Spike placed a hand to his flaming cheek that held the imprint of her anger and hurt.

"Get the fuck out of my house!" Buffy turned away from him, yet was kept back as his hands shot out and held her in place. "Let me go!"

"NO!" Spike didn't want to let her go, he wanted to make her understand, make her see the truth and see that he'd changed. To see him. "Buffy please let me explain!"

"Spike let me go!"

"I can't Buffy!" Spike drew her to him, she reared her hand up to his chest as she tried to push him away, "I can't give you up!"

"Because of the baby." Buffy pushed harder, "I'm nothing to you without the baby!"

"I know you feel something for me Buffy! I've seen it in your face!" Spike brought his head down to her face as he tried to engage her in a kiss. "I know you feel it!"

Buffy for a few seconds let him kiss her, she felt her heart rejoice in her one time fantasy, but it was empty and lifeless. For those few seconds Spike thought he had a taste of paradise, that she was relenting to him, that she was reflecting his want and need. It was shattered as she, with a quick shove of her hands on his chest pushed him away. He stumbled backwards until he landed on the wall of the living room. She stood before him with tears running down her face, her hands circling her stomach in a protective way, and the rejection clearly written on her face.

Spike slid down the wall, until he came to be sitting on the floor, his face coming to rest in his hands, she could hear the quiet sobs come from deep within him, he eventually lifted his face covered in tears and grief. The contradiction of what her mind was telling her, and what her heart was crying out, was creating such conflict within herself. She didn't know whether to leave him there in his pain, because he deserved it. Her heart told her another story, that this was real and no matter what had happened before now, was telling the truth. He wanted her, needed her and not just because of the baby, yet the little voice in the back of her mind reminded her that, she wouldn't be in this predicament if it wasn't for the baby. He probably would never have looked sideways at her, even if he and Lily had divorced.

The contradiction was pulling her apart, she couldn't believe things had come to this point, numbness filled every cell in her being, and choked her voice, and she couldn't utter a word. She gave in to that feeling as she walked back to the sofa and just sat. She looked out the open window into the glare of the day. She heard him quietly and slowly stand up from the floor, the soft footsteps of his walk until he stood next to the sofa, and the quiet words he spoke, "I'm sorry."

"Why?"

"I shouldn't have grabbed you like.."

"That's not what I meant." Buffy looked at him quickly, "Why this? Why now?"

"This?"

"The sudden show of emotions, you're getting what you've always wanted. The baby. Why drag me into it? Why?"

"Because I think that I'm falling in..."

"Don't say it! Don't you dare say it!" Buffy felt the tears rise to her eyes again. "Don't you dare say those words to me!"

"Why? Do you think I'm beneath you too?"

"What?"

"Forget it!" Spike exploded, in strides he moved to the front door and opened it. He just stood there trying to walk out, trying to leave, but something held him firm in his place. He couldn't do this a second time, he couldn't give up everything, and walk away, not again. With him being the stupid git that he was, he hadn't realised until it was maybe too late, that Buffy and the baby, were his life and soul. He couldn't give them up for anything or anyone, even as hard as it was going to be, he was willing to give everything up for them, even his pride, and even his soul.

"So you walk out on me again?"

In response to her question Spike shut the door that stood open before him, slamming it on its hinges as he walked back to her. He went and sat on the opposite sofa, but at the other side, he didn't want to scare her off.

"I don't know who you are anymore?" Buffy brought her feet up onto the sofa as she sat sideways. "You're not who I thought you were."

"Was I ever? Or just a fantasy of someone you thought I was."

"I don't know."

Spike took a chance, and moved over to her side of the room again, he carefully moved into the seat next to her. Taking an even greater chance, he had to do something about this situation, it had already spiralled out of control, and he wanted to retrieve something from this mess. Even try to make something come from it. He had to try.

"All I know is that things change. Life changes. We change." Spike took a leap of faith and took her hand. "I am part of that man you think I am, but there's more to me than that."

"I don't think I know who you are anymore." Buffy looked at him with distrust and pain on her face. "I don't know what you want?"

"Buffy I think you know who I am and what I was when this all started." Spike squeezed her hand, "And I think you know what I want."

"The baby!"

"More than that and you know it! Deep down you know it!"

"What? What do you want from me?"

"All of you."

"How do you expect me to believe a word that comes out of your mouth?" Buffy pulled herself away from him. "Every word you use to your own advantage. I don't know if I can believe you anymore."

"Then let me ask you Buffy. What do you want me from me? You wake up today, and everything has changed. I am not the enemy!" Spike was at his wits ends.

"Said the Trojans to the Greeks!"

"Bloody hell, Buffy! What are you after, my blood! I bare myself to you and you walk all over it like it's dirt beneath your feet!"

"Do you just expect me to go all soft and fuzzy, and drop to your feet in adoration?"

"I don't know what to expect, but not this!" Spike stood up and looked at her as she sat on the couch, "Maybe I was hoping we could be together, united and a family!"

"That's what it always come down to Spike, doesn't it." Buffy looked up at him. "Spike wants to play happy families!"

Spike went absolutely pale in the face, he face went blank, and it was like he had become ice inside, Buffy felt a twinge inside her, as a small dread filled her.

"Happy families! Hmmpt! Yes Buffy talking about playing happy families, you and Lily are more similar than you think, because you just sounded like the bitch!" Spike turned away from Buffy as he spoke. "Maybe you could keep the tradition of kicking me in the teeth when I'm at the lowest, that's what you Summer's women seem good at!"

Buffy felt her stomach turn at his accusation, it wasn't true, one thing she wasn't was Lily. She would never be like Lily. How could he even think that? The very thought he would even think that sunk the final nail in the coffin. "Get out!"

"Gladly!" Spike looked at her, his eyes sharp and brutal as they summed her up, and judged her guilty. This time he did walk to the door, slammed it as he walked out on her, and walked away. Again. This time it was far worse than before, this time he felt as if his soul was being ripped from him, the pain was immense that he felt from her accusations and the home truths that had come to surface. It was far worse than Lily, but this time even though he walked away, he knew he couldn't stay away, too much was at risk.

He was determined to have her. Her and the baby.

The house had been so quiet these two weeks, and she hadn't heard from Spike. It felt like a thousand times, that she'd picked up the receiver on the phone just to call him, just to make sure that he was okay. However, her pride always got the better of her and made her hand heavy, until she replaced it back onto its cradle. Pride was stopping her from seeking him out, and stopping the pain that tore through her every second, of every minute, of every hour. Self-doubt became paramount with each day that passed, that she'd made some unfair judgments, as far as he'd been concerned, that maybe the whole situation had gotten out of control, and they could have dealt with this in a better way. She realized that he had something to answer for, and her need to protect herself had spiralled out of control. He'd let his stubbornness and self-determination override any hope of talking it through calmly and peacefully.

Yet the fact that not even once, had he even tried to get in contact with her, hurt her deeply. It helped in keeping her pride in control of her emotions, and dampened any resolve in seeking him out. She hadn't really slept much in the last few weeks, she'd lie in her bed at night, straining to hear the front door open, and hear the footsteps on the landing. Yet every night, she'd waited in vain. It just intensified her feelings of betrayal and desertion, even though she'd been the one to tell him to 'get out'. She'd hoped deep down that he would fight harder for her, and for them.

He hadn't, he'd walked out on her without a single glance back, the cold look on his face had killed any hope. He'd compared her to Lily, he'd compared her to the woman that had deeply betrayed him. That was the cruellest thing that he could have ever said to her, she'd learnt what a convincing liar her sister had become, and he dared compare her. She halted her train of thought, as she reminded herself that she'd allowed Lily's words from her letter to come back and haunt her. She'd permitted them to sway her thoughts and accuse him of just about everything. She'd let her insecurities nurture those accusations, and her pain give rise to them.

And her pride deny her everything else.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The hotel room was cold and impersonal, but it was better than either place he'd called home. Home with Lily. Home with Buffy. The opulence of the room, with all its conveniences and beautiful views of the city, didn't make an ounce of difference to him. He'd stared out this same window for two weeks, looking at everything and nothing. The only view he saw was Buffy telling him to 'get out', and leave their…no… her home. He was totally defeated, he didn't know how to tell her he was sorry, that at least wasn't a lie, and his dreams for them weren't just an empty fantasy.

So again, he started what had seemed to become a ritual to hide his pain, and give him time to forget. Grabbing his coat, he walked across the street to the bar opposite the hotel and sat himself down on the same stool he had been sitting every night for at least the last week. The barman greeted him with some hesitance in the nod of his head, Spike may be repeat business, but he was repeat drunk business, and to some effect he kept the ladies in for that little while longer. Even though he had a few ladies attention every night, he never left with one of them, he'd talk but that was about it, just talk. Yet he'd always leave on closing time, sometimes as drunk as he could make himself, with such a lost look on his face.

Tonight was no different, he sat and ordered the same straight whiskey as always. The same thoughts would fill his mind, he'd try to find the right words to say, to make her see that he was sorry for everything, to make her see what he felt for her was real, to see that they belonged together. Each swallow of alcohol made the dream more real and possible, the drink fogged his brain to the true reality around him. It gave him the courage in his mind to do what he just couldn't do.

Go and talk to her.

"Hey mate! Another!" Spike lifted up the empty glass to the barman.

"So what's your poison?" A feminine voice came from beside him, and a petite blonde came and sat beside him. For a microsecond he thought she'd come to him, for a microsecond he actually felt happiness, for a microsecond he felt relieved. Spike nodded his head politely to acknowledge her presence, but didn't talk to her, the last thing he wanted was to get into any conversation, the only thing he wanted to get acquainted with was the J.D. "Let me guess the shy type?"

"Look Miss, I really am not interested in any conversation or small talk." Spike grabbed the refilled drink, and threw it straight down his throat. "If you'll excuse me."

"Such a gentleman! But no need to leave, I mean I'm just looking for some company." The blonde didn't give up easy. "They say misery loves company."

"Who said I was miserable?"

"Honey it's pouring off you in showers! You're so standoffish they'd have to peel it off with acetone, to get it off you!"

"Look lady like I said. I ain't interested in any conversation or small talk!"

"Okay, okay!" She moved back deeper into her stool, and ordered a drink, occasionally she'd eye the platinum blonde, looking for that moment when the booze would kick in, and so would she.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The phone rang late that night as Buffy was just about to go to bed, she'd had another long soak in the bath to try and relieve the deep tension she was feeling. She was trying to relax for the sake of the baby, her blood pressure hadn't been good when she'd gone to visit Dr Singer for a check up. She couldn't deny the reason why her pressure was so high, but she was just too damn proud to do anything about it. She got up from her dresser, pulling herself up slightly with the edge of the furniture for leverage, and walked to her extension next to the bed.

"Hello."

"Hello Miss Summers?" A quiet British female voice asked.

"Yes, who's this?"

"Excuse me Miss Summers', but it's Evelyn Freemantle here." The voice on the other side identified herself. "I'm sorry to call so late, well I'm not sure what time it is there. I'm calling from London my dear, and this was a number that was given to me sometime ago."

"Mrs Freemantle?"

"Yes dear, William's mother. I'm trying to find my wayward son, we haven't heard from him in about two weeks, and he hasn't been at the office, and he's not answering the phone. I thought that maybe you may have heard something from Lily, about where he maybe?"

"No. No I haven't heard from either him or Lily." Buffy tried to keep her voice calm and rational.

"Have you heard or seen from him at all?" She asked, but the hesitancy was thick in her voice as she continued. "Well I can't suppose that you have. We, well his father and I were hoping that he and Lily might have been together. You know my dear, forgotten all this silliness about a divorce. Young people these days, no idea about marriage and commitment."

Buffy nearly dropped the phone as she listened to his mother, and the obvious truth that they didn't know about her or the baby, their grandchild, she carried. Spike hadn't even bothered to tell them, or so it would appear. She felt like she was a secret kept from the parents, something to be ashamed of, even though she knew that not to be true. She knew that Spike probably had his reasons, but that didn't help her not feel like a dirty little secret, to be kept from family and friends.

Trying to keep her composure, Buffy spoke to the woman. "I'm sorry Mrs. Freemantle, but I have absolutely no idea where your son is, and to be honest I haven't seen him in a few weeks."

"Alright, I am sorry to bother you dear at this time of night. May I ask how your sister is at least?"

"She's fine." Buffy could only guess.

"Good." Mrs. Freemantle replied. "Well dear I must keep ringing around to try and find him, if you see him will you tell him to call his mother!"

"I'm sure he's alright Mrs. Freemantle. If there's one thing he can do that's look after himself." The sarcasm rich in her voice.

"Goodnight."

"Goodbye Mrs. Freemantle." Buffy hung the phone back onto its cradle, as the conversation reverberated deep within her mind. She felt so let down, and further betrayed by him. The conversation with his mother made it plain, he hadn't even told his family about her, or the baby.

The phone call had only stirred further concern she'd been feeling about Spike, despite everything that had happened, she still worried about him. She would have thought, that he would have at least let her know where he was, just in case anything had happened in her pregnancy. This was totally out of character for him, especially considering that even when he and Lily had been together, they, or he had always let her know where they'd gone for quiet weekends away. Even when no one else knew where they were, Buffy was the one person that did. Hoping that he hadn't done anything stupid or irrational, she made the decision to go find the stupid idiot. Despite everything she still cared about him.

Walking to her closet, she dressed, in jeans, jumper and jacket, as it was turning into a bleak night with what looked like storm clouds. Of all the nights for her to go looking for him, it would have to be this one, but deep down she knew she wouldn't sleep, knowing that no one appeared to know where he was. Taking a deep breath, she walked down the staircase, out the back to the garage and her car. She slid into the drivers seat and adjusted the it to accommodate her growing size, then readjusted the mirrors and for a moment just sat there. Not sure where to start, she ran the possibilities through her mind, and came up with a blank. She supposed the most obvious place was his home, the one that he'd shared with Lily all these years.

Gunning the engine, she reversed the car out of the drive, and turned down the street en route for the upper end of town, towards her destination.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"So cutie, whattt….what brings.. you to a placceee like this?" Spike's words slurred as the alcohol clouded his thoughts; he also swayed slightly in his chair, as the blonde leaned over to show more of her cleavage to the drunk. She suggestively inclined her body over him, and glided her hand along his button shirt, feeling the stitching along the midline of the fabric, grazing her manicured nails along the surface. He never felt her hand lean further over his shirt, near his coats' inner pocket, as she relieved him of his wallet. To onlookers it looked like a couple getting all heavy at the bar, and they looked like they were enjoying it.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Buffy stood on the front step of the entrance to the house, she swore to herself she would never enter again. With some courage she made her way to the front door, and rang the bell, she waited for a short time, before she pushed her face onto the glass that stood at the side of the massive front entry doors. She could just see a light on, that came from the kitchen from the back of the house, she banged her fist on the door, hoping that this may persuade Spike to come out of hiding. When that appeared not to be working, she made her way around to the back of the house and the source of the light.

With a clearer view of the inside of the house, she could see that no one appeared to be in the lower levels of the house. Deciding to take a chance that he was upstairs, she took out her keys to the house that Lily had given to her, when Spike and Lily had first brought the house, and let herself in. She walked into the spotless kitchen, which Lily had always insisted on, being the neat freak that she was, its' pure white décor giving Buffy the shivers like it always did. Its stark impersonality had always made her cringe, and considering what had happened over the last months, made her hate it even more.

Making her way into the lounge room, to her horror she took the sight of the room in, and its horrendous contrast to the kitchen. Furniture had been overturned, curtains pulled down, coffee and side tables smashed, with glass sheered in every centimeter of the room. It reeked of alcohol. Buffy could see what was left of bottles littered across the carpet, and amber stains on the pure white paint of the walls. It looked like the place had been ransacked, but she knew better, it looked like Spike had been taking his anger out on the room. A bitter shiver ran down her spine, she'd never known him to lose his cool like this, he'd always never been shy to show his feelings, but never like this. It looked as if a rage had taken hold of him, and the room had born the brunt of it.

With some hesitancy, she walked into the hallway, turning on lights as she went to find her way along the house. She found the upstairs in even darker disarray, and the most
derelict room was the master bedroom. Clothes were thrown everywhere, and furniture over turned, the dresser was the only piece of furniture not showing any signs of damage.
On it, she found two piles of pictures of her and Lily, all the pictures of her sister torn into little pieces, and those of her littered the dresser. The ones where she stood alone ran along the mirror of the dresser, and others obviously of her and her sister were torn into two, hers' lay spread over the surface of the dresser and those of her sister littered the floor.

Yet one clear stood out, it was turned up on one side, it was a Christmas picture of the three of them, taken when they'd decided to go ahead with the surrogacy, together they stood arms around each other, with Buffy in the middle. Except now Lily had been torn out of the picture, and just the two of them stood side by side, with Spike looking at her with such a joyful look on his face, filled with gratitude that he was finally going to get the family he dreamed of. Buffy could feel the tears strain in her eyes, they'd been so happy on that day, well Buffy had thought that all three of them had been happy.

Memories of that day came back, as Buffy remembered Lily huddled in the corner of the room, talking on her mobile phone, trying to placate someone. She remembered that Lily had made some excuse that it was some relative of Spikes', wanting them to come over for Christmas. Closing her eyes in hate and loss, she could only now surmise that she had been talking to Liam, and had been trying to put him off from seeing her that day.
Yet the sight around her worried her even more, the destruction of the house showed the dark feelings that had a grip on Spike. With an even greater concern, she looked around the house trying to find a clue about where he could be. It was obvious that no one was living here in this mess. Giving up and going back down the stairs, the hallway phone caught her attention, the phone book lay strewn on the floor, it's pages folded in on themselves or torn at the edges from being harshly discarded. With a little intuition, Buffy picked up the phone and waited to see if the dial tone came. The purring of the tone showed that the phone was still connected, with a single finger she hit the redial button, and waited for the person at the other end to pick up the phone.

"Hello Majestic Hotel, how may I help you?"

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Driving her way across town once more, she drove towards the hotel after talking to a very reluctant receptionist, she'd managed to get out of her that 'yes a Mr. Freeman', was staying at the hotel, and that 'yes it would be nice if his pregnant wife surprised him, whilst he was on business, because she missed him so much'. It had been hard to lie, but she hoped the 'pregnant wife' bit, would loosen the tongue of the woman who answered the phone. The 'Mr. Freeman' part was easy to guess, Spike was so predictable in some things, he always use the same bogus name when he wanted anonymity, or wanted to escape with Lily for a little while. At least some of Lily's little tidbits about their weekends away, were paying off.

The valet took the car keys from her, as she dropped the car off to be parked; the doorman tipped his hat in greeting as he opened the door for her. Walking through the grand foyer of the hotel, with its velvet lounges and high chandeliers, Buffy could see that at least Spike had decided to do his running away in style. She headed straight to the Reception Desk and waited for the young man to finish serving his guest, "I won't be a moment madam," he acknowledged her presence.

She waited a good five minutes for the two to finish whatever they were doing, and finally had the staffs attention. "How may I help you madam?"

"I would like to speak with one of your guests, a Mr. Freeman please."

"And you are madam?"

"Mrs. Freeman." She'd gotten this far lying, she might as well go the whole yard, as she smiled hoping that this would convince him even more of her lie. She made it even worse by standing back a bit from the counter, and rubbing her pregnant tummy. "I thought I'd surprise Daddy with a visit from the little one." She pointed her finger towards her 'bump'.

"Ahh what a lovely surprise Mrs. Freeman. I'm sure Mr. Freeman would enjoy seeing you, but unfortunately I just cannot give you access to his room because, you say your Mrs. Freeman. I'm sorry, but it's hotel policy."

"I totally understand that, but could you ring him and tell him that 'Buffy's here'?"

"One moment." He moved away and picked up the phone dialed a number and waited, after a short time he came back. "I'm sorry Mrs. Freeman, but he is not answering. Would you care to wait in the lobby for him?"

"Yes thank you, but would you keep trying? Please it's important." Buffy pleaded with the man.

"Please take a seat and I'll let you know if and when he answers, or you can catch him on his way back in."

"Thank you." Buffy walked over to one of the deep lounges and took up residency in the seats, and waited.

For a while Buffy watched the traffic, come and go within the hotel lobby, the doorman smiled as sometime later he walked passed her and whispered something to the man behind the desk, as he peered back at her. She watched him walk past her again with this time a strained smile, and the look of he 'knew something'. Not wanting to wait for them to come to her, she made her way to the front door and the door attendant.

"Have you seen him?"

"Him madam?"

"Yes him, Mr. Freeman?" Buffy was getting more frustrated as time passed.

"Umm, yes Madam I have, but you're better waiting here. It is warmer in here and it is raining outside Madam. No type of weather for a pregnant lady like you to be in." He gestured with his hand the rain that had started to fall, and the warm interior of the hotel.
"Where is he? Please it's important?"

"Please Madam…"

"Just tell me!"

With great hesitation, he gestured out the door and across the street. "I believe Sir is in that establishment. See Madam, it's much better that you wait in here." His distaste for the bar clear to see on his face.

Not wanting to wait, or care for the door attendant's obvious displeasure, she opened the door herself and walked out onto the street. She crossed the road, as the rain came pouring down. Buffy grabbed her lapels, hugging the coat as closely as she could to herself. Standing in front of the shop front, Buffy peered in.

Stunned and too shocked to move she watched as a blonde woman, encased herself around Spike, with no inhibitions as she flashed her low cut blouse in front of him. She watched as the woman's hand ran along his chest, and into his coat, grazing the fabric with her nails. What made it worse was Spike did nothing to stop her, nothing to get the woman off him. He did nothing, but smile and whisper something to her.

Like the rain that fell around her, her tears poured in silence, not heard or seen by the man they were for. He didn't see her standing there, see her pain, or see her cry of despair that screamed from inside her. He was too caught up in the woman, who was trying to get him interested in her. The woman he was letting touch him, because he couldn't have the one he really craved, because she reminded him a little of her. Her hair and size, was enough to give him the distraction she was, he knew it wasn't her, but for a few minutes he let himself think that it was.

He let himself live his drunken haze fantasy.

The barman noticed her in the cold wet rain, just standing there with her coat huddled around her, and her protruding stomach that showed her pregnancy. He put down the glass he was cleaning, intent on going out and getting the woman to either come in and have refuge from the rain, or go home and forget the bum she was obviously trying to find. He may run a bar, but he was respectable and he was a man of good principle. As he walked passed Spike, he put his glass down and asked for 'another shot', the barman ignored the drunk. Making his way from behind the bar, Spike watched in disgust, as he wasn't served. "Hey I wanttt myyy drink!" His eyes followed the barman, as he went to the front door and moved along the front of the bar, until they reached the shop front window.

"Oh fuck!"

Before him stood Buffy, watching him through the window, standing in the rain. He could see the droplets of rain on her face, as they ran down onto her coat. He watched as water brimmed over her eyes, it took him a second to realise that the moisture on her face was a mixture of rain, and tears. He disentangled himself from his distraction, as she turned and ran across the street, he stumbled across the bar floor, watching as she disappeared from his line of sight. Out finally on the street he looked up and down the street trying to find her.

"Bloody fucking hell!"

She'd totally disappeared from view, until he heard the unmistakable revving of the four-wheel drive she drove, she sat in the car directly opposite him, and just stared at him. The blank look on her face, showed her flat emotions, and her hurt that she'd come to suppress.

"Wait Buffy!" Spike ran across the road and stopped directly in front of the driver door, he tried in vain to open it. "Buffy, please wait! Buffy! Please don't lock me out!"
Buffy tilted her head towards him, and wiped her face as a single tear feel down her face, in defiance of her feelings at this single moment in time. "I just did." She quickly wiped another away and turned away from him, as she put the car into first gear, and drove away.

Spike fell to his knees at the sight of the departing car, like the rain that fell onto his face, so did the tears. He was totally defeated, he'd fucked up any chance to get her back, she'd never give him a second chance…like everything he touched lately, it fell apart around him. His grief gave way to pain as his tears fell like rain.

Thanks to Kirsty, Darcy and Karen (Karbear57) for their editing and advice....

The reflection of him on his knees in the rear view mirror, passed through her dreams as she slept, the vision of him fading from view as she drove away haunted the deep recesses of her mind. The sound of the rain beating down on the car, became louder with each passing moment, pulsating through her ear drums, until she couldn't stand its hollow sound no more. The thumping sound carried through her body, until its rhythm took hold of her abdomen, as she clutched her stomach in response the rhythm turned into thuds against her flesh. She realised that the thud was the sharp kick of her baby, and the loud banging was the sound of someone at the door, as she as roused from fitful slumber.

She lay on the sofa, covered by a soft woollen overthrow that cocooned her body as she had sought the solace and release that sleep gave her. A place to rest, to dream, to crave…a haven from the reality of the world. Besides Dr Singer had told her to get rest, as much as she could stand, as her high blood pressure persisted, and it was something she could live without, but yet seemed an impossibility, with the unresolved issues that surrounded her. She couldn't stand where she was anymore, her own home had became a cage for her, she'd lost all interest in the outside world, as her own world had fallen apart.

The persistent banging continued to intrude on her dozing mind, her head thumped with the headache that had followed her into sleep. She opened her eyes to the world around her. Moving the blanket off her, she slowly made her way from the sofa to the front door and stood on tippee toes, hanging onto the handle for support, to see who her caller was. The opaque glass couldn't conceal the identity, the platinum hair was unmistakable.

So things had come full circle, her he stood on her front step banging on her door, like many months ago when she'd learnt of her pregnancy. Quickly she pulled herself down from peering through the glass, as the knocking suddenly stopped, she could feel the butterflies in her stomach come to life. He was here. Taking deep breaths she tried to calm herself down, leaning into the wood of the door with the side of her body, she placed her palm on its cool surface, just wanting to absorb the man behind it. Too scared to open the door, to face him, and learn of what he may have to say to her.

He'd seen her peer through the glass panel in the door, even though he couldn't see her face, he knew she was there, inside, behind the door. The risk of coming here was great, but after last night he had to act fast and try to repair the damage. Spike had really wanted to take his time, and gently approach her, get her to trust him again, to try to rebuild his life again around her. Yet now he couldn't see any other way but to come to her, to seek her out, and do anything he could to try and make it right again. All he really hoped for was that she'd listen to him and give him the chance to explain. For hope was all he had left.

The object of all his desires stood behind the door, he raised his hand to gently knock again, but hesitated. Intuition took over control as he placed his palm on the door; a great feeling of relief and need flooded his body, as he could just sense her through the wood. Leaning his head as closely as he could to the edge of the door pane, he could hear her breathe, slow deep breaths of oxygen, but still she didn't open the door.

"Buffy, please open the door." His voice was quiet and soothing to her raw nerves. "Please luv! Open the door."

Buffy still stood frozen in the spot she found herself in, unable to decide whether to let him in or not. Her mind whirled with the images of his betrayal and desertion of her, her heart counteracted it, with the images of her calling him 'a manipulating bastard' and telling him to 'get out'. They all swelled together making it even harder to just think of what she should do, keep him out or let him in, every action would result in a reaction, a consequence of that action, and each one she feared.

"Please Buffy open the door!" Desperation flowed through each syllable he spoke, each word just barely audible through the wood. "Let me in Luv!"

With a slow hand, she put on the door latch and opened the door just an inch, peering through she finally looked at him. He looked like he'd been dragged thru hell and back, he desperately needed a shave, the bristles on his face gave it a ragged look, and his hair was unkempt. She could see that he hadn't kept up with dying his hair, the dark roots of his hair peered through the blonde, it curled instead of the straight back look he usually wore.

"Spike, please leave me alone." Buffy pleaded with him, she was so tired. "I'm not up to visitors, please."

"Let me in Luv. Open the door properly and let me in." Spike tried his best to take a good look at her, she looked so hurt and tired. He hated to see her like this, and hated himself more because he knew that he was responsible for it. "Please Luv, invite me in. Let me make sure your okay."

"I'm okay, you don't have to worry about me. I'm doing fine by myself."

"Buffy," Spike moved as close as the door would let him, slowly he risked everything including his fingers, as he put them through the crack in the door and onto her hand that held the door frame. "Open the door or I'll break it down!" He'd lost all patience, as he was so desperate to talk to her, now that he'd seen her and how she was. His concern for her condition made him forget the reason he came, and his voice rose with a need to get past the door.

"Please Luv…I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you…please…let me in!"

Buffy looked away from him, and the desperate look that lay over his face, and the grovelling need in his voice. She shut the door with a slow hand, and felt like she was on automatic pilot as she undid the chain on the latch, and opened the door. Standing aside, she hid behind the door, as Spike didn't hesitate to walk through, and into the lounge room. He turned to watch her close the door behind him. She looked so withdrawn from the world around her, and so tired that he just wanted to pick her up and take her to her bed to sleep.

"How are you?" Spike asked her as she walked into the room and took her seat back on the sofa.

"Fine." Buffy glanced quickly at him, but refused to have any eye contact, she just couldn't bear to look at him. "I'm fine Spike, like I said I'm doing okay by myself."

"You don't look it!" Spike sat next to her, but she reacted by moving deeper into the corner of the sofa, to move as far away from him as she could. "Buffy, I need to talk to you, to explain…to make you see and understand.."

"I think I saw enough last night Spike!"

"What you saw last night Buffy was me as pissed as a newt, and being a bloody git!" Spike tried to make her more comfortable by moving to the opposite corner of the sofa, he wanted to be close to her, but not scare her away.

"That's not an excuse Spike! Not for any of it!" Buffy voice was filled with icy retort.

"No it's not." Spike ran his hand through his hair in frustration, and with some hesitancy, he thought that he had nothing to lose in telling her the truth. "The booze is no excuse Buffy for what I did, and I'm sorry for it. But you have to understand why I did it Buffy! Why I let it go that far!"

"More excuses Spike? I gotta hear this one! Did you practise it on the way over? Are you well rehearsed on your lines Spike or is it more lies?"

"Enough Buffy!" Spike moved over towards her, he leant over and took her face in his hands, to make her look at him as he wanted her to see that he was telling the truth, he wanted her reaction to what he was going to say. "Yes I was drunk. Yes, I let her touch me. Yes I am guilty of all that! But the truth is Buffy for those few minutes you saw me, I was letting myself be free! Letting myself have what I wanted! Letting myself have a drunken fantasy! I let myself pretend she was someone else!"

The stunned look on her face said it all, she was taken aback by his confession, and it was the last thing that she expected him to say. Yet her heart wasn't relieved by his admission, somehow it lessened some of the pain she was feeling, it still hurt that he could have let himself do something like that, but the truth of his words were not missed by her.

"You pushed me out Buffy. I wanted, no, I needed to feel something! I needed to feel you around me. I've missed you and needed you these last few weeks. I never should have walked out that door the other night. I should have stayed and talked to you!"

"You said some horrible things to me! I felt like all you ever wanted from me was the baby! I was just the attachment to the baby! And the means to an end, to get your divorce over quickly! That legal paper thingy..Affidavit..or whatever you call it, that was the final straw for me! I felt used Spike! Just a thing for you to use until you got what you wanted!" A single tear fell down her face as she let the words come from her mouth, all her insecurities and fears. She just gushed them out, it wasn't all of them, but they were the most poignant to her. "You never would have noticed me…never! Even if Lily was gone, you never would have given me a second glance if it wasn't for the baby!"

"I saw you Buffy, even when I was with Lily. I saw you as my sister-in-law, and that made you forbidden territory…and I was in love with your sister. I thought we had everything, the perfect life and marriage, but I was wrong." Spike tilted his head as he looked at her with blue eyes mirroring his fear of her rejection. "The baby is the best thing that could have happened to me. To us. Yes, it made me look at you. Made me notice you. Don't think that I would never have noticed you Buffy, even if there was no baby, I still would have found and wanted you!"

"How can I believe you?"

"Despite everything Buffy I do care deeply about you! I want you in my future. You are everywhere I go, everywhere I turn, and in every bloody breath I take. I'm drowning in you Summers." Spike leaned into her, his face so close to hers, all she could see was his eyes, as the rest of their surroundings were blocked out by his gaze. "Give me another chance, that's all I ask of you. Give us a chance Buffy. It was so good before all this happened. Forgive me, please Buffy, forgive me."

"Forgive you?"

"Yes forgive Buffy." His iris opened as he pleaded with her, becoming more prominent as he moved a few centimetres closer and softly kissed her lips, just touched them with his own, no pressure, just barely touching her. "I want you and I together Buffy. All of us."

"You're asking for a lot Spike." Buffy leant back a little. "You want so much. I don't know if I can, the last few weeks have been a nightmare and I don't know if I can stand much more."

"Then start with a little bit at a time Buffy." Spike took her face between his hands. "Just a little bit. We have to try and make something of this, for us."
"You make it sound so easy. It's not Spike, it's complicated and messy!" Buffy turned her head away. "I don't know if I have the strength to do anything anymore. I'm just too tired."

"Then rest. Let me carry you for a while. I understand you're angry and hurt, but I never meant for things to get like this. I swear to you that the last thing that I wanted was a wedge between us. I won't let that happen again Buffy! You and the baby are all I have left worth anything in the world, and I won't give you up!" His words were harsh and determined, proclaiming his fortitude in the matter. "And I won't let anything stand in my way Buffy, not even your sister. If she's so determined to have everything, then let her! It's not worth it!"

"Not worth it? I don't understand?" Buffy turned back to face him, she was really lost now in the confusion of the emotional rollercoaster she was on, her head was in a tail spin enough, without Spike going out on a tangent that she had absolutely no idea what he was talking about.

"Lily and those damned letters! I'll get a quicker divorce one way or another!"

"Quicker divorce?"

"Please forget it Buffy, don't worry about it. It's my concern."

"No make me understand? This is why I'm angry Spike you never tell me anything! Especially where Lily's concerned, you just clam up!"

"Lily has been my problem not yours, and I never wanted it to be your problem."

"Tell me, make me understand! You just leave me confused and wondering what your motives behind everything you do are! Like that the Affidavit thingy! I gave you those letters to help you, and you try and drag me into the divorce proceeding with that document! When were you going to tell me Spike? When you were on the court steps with your back to the wall?"

"No Buffy, I was going to talk to you about it. Explain what the paperwork was, and let you decide if you were going to sign it. I never would have forced you to sign it! Never!" Spike touched her cheek with his fingers as he spoke. "You didn't have to sign it Buffy, it would have been your decision to be a part of the proceedings or not. I had never included it in my plans in filing for the divorce, it just would have made things easier and less messy."

"For you or her?"

"Me. If you signed the affidavit, then she has no right to anything that I brought into the marriage. She would be able to have a right to have a stake in my business interests and family belongings. All of which should be passed onto my child. Our child. Those letter's show her adultery and worse the fact that she asked you to hide the truth from me."

Buffy closed her eyes in anguish as she remembered seeing the papers and unleashing a darker side of herself that she rarely saw. The accusations she'd hurled his way, as she retaliated in pain at the thought he'd been using her for his own means. It had blinded her to only see what she wanted to see, she had no proof to condemn him the way that she had. The very thing she'd hand him to fight Lily with, had come back to crucify her, and wreak havoc with her life.

"I can't tell you how sorry I am about everything. This isn't what I wanted. I just wanted a future that included all three of us. As you so eloquently put it the other night, I just wanted a happy family with you and the baby." Spike brought his hand to her neck, gently massaging the knotted muscles beneath it. "Even if you weren't pregnant I still believe that I would have come to you. In the end I don't think I could imagine ending up anywhere else. That you have to believe in, if nothing else. I know that we have a lot of things to make up for to each other, but it will be worth it. We are worth it Buffy!"

She listened as he said his words, hearing his own hurt and pain in them, her world had done such a three sixty-degree turn, in the last three weeks. It had all seemed so simple in the beginning, have the baby and parent it together, she could never have foreseen this development, never in a million years. The disaster that had followed those few first pleasant weeks, had uncovered the dark side of the consequences of the decisions that they had made. She realised that both of them had been in someway responsible for each other's misery, but could they be responsible for each other's happiness.

He'd made it so plain to her what he wanted, and still demanded from her in the end, and that was all of her. Right now, all he asked was a little bit of her, yet in the end he'd always want all of her. It was a pity that she didn't have a looking glass that would let her see how the future would have been without her ever being pregnant. At least that would have made things easier, she could have seen whether his prediction of ending up together, wasn't just sweet words to ply her with. She bit her lip, as she struggled against the voice of caution that she'd listened to in the beginning, and that had led to where they were now.

"I'll try." Her words were just a light whisper, of which he just heard and only could have heard as she face hovered close to hers. "I want to try."

"Then forget the past Buffy!" Spike tilted his head as he said his words; a gentle smile filled his face, softening the skin so taunt from the stress. "We both have to forget the past, forgive each other and think about the future we want. Can you do that Luv? Can you forgive me?"

She swallowed hard in contemplation of his request, he was asking for something so simple, yet so binding as there could be no going back, not now, not ever, this was it. Even with all the reservations she had, she nodded her head, and again her words so softly spoken said, "Yes."

Listening to her answer, he felt his spirit rise as she gave him the answer he so wanted to hear, and could only have imagined. He slowly approached her in his movements as he brought his other hand around her shoulder and brushed his own lips against her, ever so delicately sweeping his on hers. Not demanding, just touches between the two of them, reassuring touches of togetherness, fulfilling the need to acknowledge the need they had between them. Until it wasn't enough for either of them, until it spiralled into a deeper need for each other, a deeper need of reassurance to explore the birth of the new understanding and relationship between the two.

Buffy was the first to allow things to move into a profound union, as Spike was reluctant to move beyond the boundaries he would let her set, he didn't want to break the fragile bond and agreement between them. She was the first to taste his lips, to explore beyond the gentle kisses they'd shared so far, opening herself to him, he took the invitation and explored the inner recess of her mouth with his tongue. Letting it run along her soft tissue, to taste her essence and encourage her to join in the passionate kiss. She rested her hand on his shoulder as she drew herself as closely as she could, considering the obstacle of her pregnancy. She manoeuvred herself until she was comfortable, but not once letting him go, she opened herself fully to him, and allowed herself to get lost in their kiss. She felt the rough texture of the flesh of his tongue as she slid her own along his, and lost herself within the depths of his mouth.

It filled the empty void that she'd been feeling for so long, it was sealing the bond that they had agreed to share. Making promises to each other, and reaffirming their intentions towards each other. It showed that despite everything they had ignited a fire between them that burned deep inside each of them, keeping them warm, and making it so pleasurable between them.

Feeling the intensity rise between the two of them, Spike pulled himself reluctantly from her, as he struggled for breath. He was spiralling out of control, and heading into a deeper ocean of want and desire that he'd never experienced before, even with Lily and it frightened him. He could easily lose control of himself and push her into something he feared she wasn't ready for, and he didn't want that. As much as he wanted to grab her and carry her upstairs to her bed, he didn't want to frighten her off, and most importantly he didn't know if she physically could. The subject had never come up, and he'd never expected it to, so he never asked Dr Singer. So for better reasons than quenching his own desire for her he pulled away and rested his forehead on her own, as he heard her own deep rasping breaths.

"I should go."

As Spike moved away from her, she tightened her hold on him, she wasn't ready to let him go, not yet anyway. "Stay."

"Buffy I should go." Spike kissed her in a reassuring gesture. "I'd better go before it's too late, and I should let you rest."

"Don't go." Buffy had finally found some peace in her turmoil and she didn't want to let that go.

"Whyyy?" Spike stumbled on his words. "Why's that?"

"Because I'm not ready for you to go!" Buffy was frightened that he'd walk through that door and never come back to her, like he had once before. "Stay here."

"Buffy?"

"Stay in your room. You said that we had to learn to forgive each other, and to me that means trust each other again. How can I do that if you're not here?" Buffy was struggling to find any excuse to keep him here, anything.

"I don't know if that…" The look on her face halted any excuse he was about to use. "Fine, but only if you promise to go now and get some rest."

He stood up on his two feet and put out a hand to help her up from the sofa, he walked behind her as she walked to the stairs and up to her room. He stood in the hallway as she stepped into her room, and shut the door behind her. "Night Luv." He himself then turned down the hall and to his own room and let himself into the room, the bed was made and everything he'd left lay in its place. It was if he'd never left.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

3:48 am

The clock counted another minute as the two dots between the numbers flashed, he hadn't been able to sleep. His mind full of what had happened tonight, the relief that he felt flooded through his body, it was a bloody miracle she'd given them another chance. He looked at the clock again, as he heard the door to his room open, quickly shutting his eyes he tried to feign sleep. He heard the light footsteps approach the chair in the far corner of the room, and the squeaking of the wicker under the weight of the occupant. In the mirror he watched her reflection bathed in the small amount of moonlight that flooded through the window, she looked like she hadn't slept at all.

He could only guess the rough time she was having, and the conflicting emotional turmoil she was experiencing. He wanted to get out and just hold her. Just let her have someone else take her burden for a while. With out really thinking about it, he rolled over and pulled himself up in the bed, as Buffy sat startled that she'd woken him. She began to get out of the chair to vacate the room, when Spike pulled one of the two pillows from his head, and threw it beside his own. He pulled the covers back from the opposite side of the bed.

"Trust me."

Buffy stood frozen in place, his request was not what she expected from him she only wanted to come and make sure he'd stayed. Yet that didn't satisfy her, she just wanted to watch him sleep, see if she could distinguish the real him, as he relaxed in slumber.

"Trust me."

The second time it was more quiet and hushed than the first. She looked at his face, but it was so hard to read in the dark. Her feet moved her step after step closer to his bed, around its outside, and finally to where the bedding was turned down, she stood shyly unsure of herself.

"Get in Buffy."

Turning around she sat on the side of the bed, and lifted her legs over the side until she lay on her side of the wide bed. She lay there just looking at the wall, as she felt the mattress move under his weight, as he rearranged the sheets and blankets around her.

"Move more into the middle."

Buffy slid herself further into the bed, but still she didn't turn herself over. The sheets were lifted once again as she felt his warmth approach her back, as he laid himself behind her. Running his hand down her arm until he found her hand, and clutched it within his own, securing onto it tightly. He gently nudged her legs into a scissor fashion so he could slip his own leg in between hers, giving him the room to lie as close to her as he possibly could.

"Go to sleep Goldilocks!"

"Who?"

"Go to sleep Buffy."

She closed her eyes finally that night, and let herself feel comforted knowing he was so close to her. Maybe, just maybe her dream could come true. Making sure she was comfortable, Spike let himself down from the elbow that supported his weight as he watched her slide into slumber, and for the first time in three weeks, he gave into the luxury of having what he wanted laying right in his arms.

Hope

Thanks to Kirsty, Darcy and Karen (Karbear57) for their editing and advice...always apprechiated!!!

8.45am

Buffy turned slightly in her sleep as she snuggled closer to the source of warmth at her back, pulling the bedcovers as close to her as she could. She let out a quiet sigh, as the arm that wrapped itself around her waist moved to her abdomen and softly rubbed her tummy. Spike, half-awake touched her abdomen to reassure himself that the baby was real and Buffy still lay by his side, and that neither had been a dream. He swirled his hands lazily upon her abdomen, he moved himself closer to her as he felt her snuggling in closer to him, he heard her sigh and felt a gentle wave motion under his hand. His eyes popped open along with his mouth as the motion of the waves increased until he felt a kick. He pulled himself up and hauled the linen aside.

Spike gently lifted Buffy's nightshirt from her body and watched the rippling motion of the baby moving under her skin. He then replaced his hand on the skin of her abdomen and waited to feel his son or daughter move within her. He didn't have to wait long until he got his 'hello dad' from the baby, the cheeky smirk on his face showed the pride he felt in the little one's creation, and in the end this was what it was all about. Being with his family.

A hand came to rest over his as the baby became more active, Buffy guided his hand to feel the movements of the baby as she felt the life move inside of her. She always knew where the little one was going to strike next, sometimes she wondered if she was going to last the nine months, it seemed like the baby wanted 'out now'. It was extra comforting to her to feel Spike next to her, to be cocooned within the warmth of his body and protectiveness of his hand over their baby. It went without saying that the past few weeks had been an utter nightmare and so painful that it was soul destroying, but there was hope that going through it all had a purpose. Maybe Karma was just playing 'bitch' to see how strong they both could be, and if they could make it together, surely this wouldn't be the only hurdle they'd have to face.

Buffy could only think what her and his family… 'oh shit'…his mother! She'd totally forgot to mention his mother's call. Mrs. Freemantle was the last thing that she would have thought about, considering the circumstances and to be honest she didn't really give a damn. Spike, herself and the baby were the only things that really mattered; they were her first priority and the only thing she wanted to focus on at the moment. Yet Buffy knew that his mother underneath that entire demeanour was freaking out about her son. She let out a sigh and entangled her hand within his, knowing that she would have to shatter their quiet world, so with some reluctance she spoke.

"Spike?"

"Yeah Luv." Spike lifted his head onto his hand as he bent his free hand to support his head. "You uncomfortable, want me to move?"

"NO! Don't you move a muscle mister!" Buffy brought her face around so she could look even though awkwardly at him. "Your mom called a few days ago, she said that you hadn't called her in two weeks and that you hadn't been in the office. She wants you to call her."

"I'll call her later." Spike bent his head down and kissed her softly on the cheek. "Wanna spend the day with you."

"Spike she sounded worried and you haven't called her for two weeks, nearly three. Put her out of her misery. Spike, she's your mom."

"Mother will survive, trust me." Spike dropped his chin to her shoulder. "She's a tough old bird."

"She also thinks that you're with Lily!" Buffy knew that wasn't the whole truth, well it was kind of the truth, and his mother had asked!

"What! With that bitch!" Spike spat out, "I told her that we were over, and she knows that the woman is an adulterer! Bloody hell!"

"You should call her and tell her that you're alive and here…well umm that you're alive anyway." Buffy's voice quietened as she realised what she'd said about him living with her. She looked away from him as she realised her slip of the tongue.

"You didn't tell her?" Spike dragged himself up into a sitting position with his back on the bed head and pulled Buffy up until she rested comfortably, leaning on his chest with his arms embracing her waistline. "Buffy?"

"No."

"Why not?" Spike asked her.

"Why didn't you tell them, your mom and dad, that you were here?" Buffy replied with her own question.

"Umm I didn't think to…must have slipped my mind. So much has happened in the last few weeks."

"More like months Spike!" Buffy was getting rattled. "Why don't they know about the baby?"

He felt the instant guilt grab him, one more stupid thing that he shouldn't have done, kept the baby news from his parents. "I will tell them Buffy. One more stupid thing to add to my list of deviances, hey!" Spike started to move himself away from her, he felt like the total git that he was, he'd let her down again.

"Hey, Spike! If you think that you're taking your arse out of this bed, you are surely mistaken mister!" Buffy squeezed his hands that lay between her own. "It's okay, we'll work it out. The why's, when's and how's don't matter anymore. Today does okay! Not what happened yesterday…today is what matters. You get a clean slate, Spike! Please don't fuck it up!"

"Buffy..." Spike pushed himself and her forward as he leaned her to the side and moved her until she lay flat on the bed, with him lying on his side above her. Her words had opened up the floodgates, he didn't want to rush anything, he wanted to take things slow, bit by bit like he said, but he couldn't deny the fact that he wanted her. Taking her face between his hands, he kissed her lips with soft light touches with a gentle grace that reflected his need for her. He placed no demands on her and made no effort to deepen the kiss, and neither did she, they just enjoyed the pleasure of just touching each other. Maybe each just a little frightened to touch the flame that burned beneath the surface. Each of them itched to touch it and allow the flame to come to the surface too warm and consume them. Yet they knew that it could burn them, extinguishing it self even before it had a chance. They needed to lay the new foundations based on friendship, love and trust even though friendship was the last thing either had in mind with each other.

Buffy knew that they could further explore their relationship if she wanted to, she could feel the pull of her need to feel him around and inside of her. Yet she could feel her heart protesting that it was too early, and it's vulnerability was just to fragile at the moment. It was frightened to let him into too far and too deep so early…she didn't know if she could survive if they went through any of this again. She'd let go of so much pain and anguish in the last few hours She gave into the hope that seemed to have enveloped them, renewing the connection between them. So she let things be and didn't forge the kiss forward, as much as she wanted to, she just wanted to enjoy this moment more.

Spike felt Buffy relax into their soft kisses, her body melting into the mattress, and moulding into his body. He felt the moment she surrendered, as she seemed caught for a time, lost in her own thoughts as if trying to decide whether this is what she wanted. He kept himself in a deliberate check, he wanted nothing more than to intensify their kiss and embrace the fire that scratched from beneath the surface begging to be released. It would give him so much pleasure to show her how he felt, to touch her skin, to be truly intimate with her. He knew that it meant total trust, something that he had yet to earn from her. He'd done enough of a good job to destroy any trust she'd once had for him, but she'd given him another chance and he wasn't going to mess it up. With some reluctance he stopped kissing her, and played with her hair to avoid temptation.

"Okay so you tell your mom and dad about the baby. Then what? I don't think that they're going to be jumping for joy do you?" Buffy asked him.

"What they think is not the issues here, it's the fact they don't know that matters, and I don't give a shit what they think, Buffy!" Spike pulled her tighter into his arms. "But what about your folks, Luv? You never seem to hear from them, surely they know you're knocked up, Luv!" Buffy replied by smacking his arm with a rough blow, "Hey!"

"I don't know, Spike?" Buffy spoke softly, "I can only assume they know. I mean they haven't even called, not once to say hello or how are you. I don't know, Spike."

"Surely you called them?" Spike asked her, reassuringly stroking her hair and running a finger down her cheek, as a single tear ran down its length, he caught it before it fell away from her face. "You haven't called them have you? You haven't even tried since all of this….fuck…Buffy, you should have called them."

"What for? For them to be disappointed in their youngest daughter again?" Buffy closed her eyes and opened them looking away. "They probably would have accepted it, if you and Lily stayed together…but you didn't and they probably would have tried to…tried to…"

"What Luv? Tried to have what?"

"To have talked me out of it. The baby. Probably would have tried to talk me into having a termination." Buffy let out a single sob that shattered the peace of their bed.

"It doesn't matter anyway now does it? What they think or say? You've got me and the baby!" Spike kissed the tears that feel down her face. "Buffy, please sweetheart, don't cry. We have each other, we don't need them…we can make our own world...together...you belong here with me."

"I wish sometimes that I could stay here and keep the world out. Just to rest."

"Then rest, the world will be there tomorrow, Buffy. Let it just be us for now, just us three and if it just has to be us Luv, then so be it. Maybe 'just us' for now anyway!"

"Now?" Buffy was deathly silent.

"I'll give you sometime to yourself until your ready," Spike looked at her holding his gaze with her, as he put his hand over her abdomen, "and we do it right next time."

"Next time?" Buffy was stunned.

"Next baby, Buffy!" The look in his eyes was saturated with lust and desire. "Next time we do it right, we conceive naturally with no machines, no doctors and no interference."

He could hear the hesitation in her voice and the boundaries begin to creep in around them, he knew this was new but dangerous territory he was in, so he let it drop for the moment. Yet he was more than serious about their next child, that they would be conceived naturally as it should have been this time. It really pushed the point home to him that he had made some stupid choices in his life and picking the wrong sister was one of the biggest.

He needed to let her know that he hoped that she would give him…them...another child, maybe not so close after this one, but yet still a child made together out of something stronger than an a frozen stick in a needle in a doctors office. Also to assure her that he wanted her, desperately wanted her as the mother of his next child, and more importantly his lover.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

He let it slide the rest of the day allowing them to have the freedom of the day free from worries about the outside world. Today they lived in their own world, fortifying their relationship together as they talked for hours about what they wanted from their lives. He even managed to persuade her into going to town for dinner and a walk along the main street, openly hand in hand or his arm across her shoulders. It did turn some heads in the town, the Freemantle's were well known. It was made even more obvious to every passer-by that walked by the couple that Spike was the father of the child she carried and that he was proud to be by this woman's side. A few mouths dropped as they realised that the woman was no other than Lily Freemantle's sister. Spike had a suspicion that it wouldn't be too long before the whole world knew with all the gossips that this town held.

He even wondered if he subconsciously did it to make it clear that he didn't want to hide her or the baby from anyone anymore. They were open for scrutiny now, and would probably become cannon fodder for some, but he didn't really care. It made one thing clear too him though, he'd have to call home now before any of the town gossips did and break the news to his parents that they were going to be grandparents to a Freemantle-Summers' child after all. They'd just have to get used to the fact that it was coming from an unexpected source and not the one they expected the baby from. Spike waited until Buffy had gone to have a long soak in the bath, after complaining of sore muscles from the long walk that he 'made her do' to call his parents.

Walking into the study he picked up the phone extension, and dialled to his parents' town house in London, only to find that his mother had left for the US that day. The housekeeper had expressed his mothers concern for his whereabouts, Mrs. Freemantle decided to come and find him herself, 'to sort the boy out!' Thanking the housekeeper for her titbit of information he hung up and dialled his parents' home, it picked up on the third ring.

"Hello Freemantle." His father answered the phone, with his usual straight to the point manner.

"Dad?"

"William? Is that you?" Spike could hear his father's voice boom of demand down the line. "Where in the blazes have you been? You've had us in knots trying to find you! Never mind your poor mother! And what about the office? You left it in a bloody shambles, not to mention the clients that are threatening to leave! So what have you got to say for yourself boy?"

"Umm, hi Dad! Nice to hear your voice," Spike replied to his father.

"Is that all you've got to say for yourself, young man?"

"No dad it ain't…"

"Well where are you William?" His father asked him. "When are you coming home? Your mothers here!"

"I know dad, and I am home." Spike scratched his head wondering how he was going to explain this one to his father. "Dad look I'm home and I'm okay. I needed to sort some things out, but there are some important things that you need to know."

"Home, but no one's been answering the phone, or the door? William what's going on?"

"Like I said dad we need to talk. I think you should come over here so I can show you something, then you'll understand. Dad please understand that only you can come, not mum. Not yet anyway."

"When?"

"Tomorrow, but Dad?"

"Yes William?"

"Not home, home. I'm at another address," Spike lowered his voice even further even knowing that there was no way she could hear him speak. "It's 1630 Revello Drive."

"But that's…"

"I know dad, I'll explain when you get here. Just tell mum that I'm okay, everything's okay."

"You have a lot of explaining son."

"I know, Dad, I know."

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

9.44am

After another restful night lying with him in her bed, comforted by his presence, she slept like a baby. Waking up with a sudden urgency that she was busting to go, the pressure on her bladder was terrible; the baby was doing flip-flops, making the sensation worse. She got out as quietly as she could without waking him and ran to the downstairs toilet so that she wouldn't disturb him with the noise. She could also help herself to some of the chocolate she craved, that she'd hidden under the sink in the kitchen without Spike rolling his eyes at her for eating something less than wholesome, like he always did.

After finishing the task at hand, Buffy walked into the kitchen and had her hand on the cupboard door when the front doorbell rang. It was only 9.55 a.m. on the wall clock and she wasn't expecting anyone so with some anticipation she opened the door. Swallowing hard she looked at who stood on her front door step as she hid as much as she could behind the front door and looked at Spike's father peculiarly.

"Mr. Freemantle…what can I do for you?" Buffy quietly asked the man on her porch.

"Awhh, Buffy, how are you my dear? I believe my wayward son has come and invaded your home."

"Spike?" She whispered in response. "Spike's here, just hang on I'll get him for you."

"May I come in please dear? This hips playing up, and I'd love to sit down."

With great hesitation, she opened the door to let the visitor in, and raised a hand to motion for him to come in. "Please take a seat in the living room, Mr. Freemantle. Would you like a cup of tea or coffee while I get him?" Buffy regained her composure somewhat.

"No thank you." Mr. Freemantle was to occupied looking at her abdomen and her obvious pregnancy. "Buffy, you're pregnant?"

"Yes." Buffy whispered in response, "Yes I am."

"Lily didn't say anything before she left William! Congratulations my dear! When did you get married?"

"I'm not Mr. Freemantle."

"Not?"

"Married."

"Oh you're not….ohh sorry dear…you know us old foggies, baby usually equals marriage. Well it did in my day!" The sarcasm lay thick in his voice. "So is the father around at least Buffy?"

"Yeah, Dad, he is." A strong resinate voice came from the staircase as Spike flew down them two at a time until he came to stand next to Buffy.

"Well then introduce him to your old man, so that I can give my congratulations the fellow." His father replied to his son.

"You already know him Dad and thanks." Spike put his arm possessively around Buffy and pulled her too him.

"Oh my god!"

Thanks to Kirsty, Kar and Mel for editing....just waiting for one more...

The Surrogate
Thanks to Kar!! You're an angel!!!

Chapter 13

A/N edited by Kar with many thanks

Daddy Dearest….

"Oh my god!" was all his father could say over and over again, the stunned look and shock covered his face. Mr. Freemantle leaned into the wooden doorframe for support as the news began to hit him.

"Dad!" Spike moved away from Buffy and helped his father through the doorway into the living room and to the sofa. "Dad, are you alright?"

"Yes son, I'm fine," his father looked from a concerned son to a horrified young woman. "It's just not what I expected. I mean it's the last thing that I …"

"Dad, please let me explain..."

"What? That you were having an affair, too! That Lily drove you to it?" Mr. Freemantle's anger made his words seethe. "You made Lily out to be the instigator of all this mess, but by the looks of things I'd say you'd beaten her to it. But with her sister William? That's low son, really low."

"Dad, it's not like that!'

"Don't tell me it was love at first sight William! Next thing you'll tell me that you've loved her all this time!"

"Dad! That's not how it happened!" Spike was really beginning to lose any composed thoughts at this stage very quickly, "You don't understand! You have to let me explain!"

"What! That you've been sleeping with your sister in law, and that you lied to your mother and me! That you have gotten her pregnant! How do you think that your mothers going to cope?"

"Father!" Spike exploded. "Firstly, I didn't get her pregnant!"

"What, was it a miracle conception?"

"No, Dad, it was a planned pregnancy. Buffy conceived for me and Lily, Dad!" Spike can to sit down beside his father. "She was meant to be the surrogate mother, she was meant to give Lily and myself the child that we, no I wanted."

Mr. Freemantle slipped back into the sofa as the revelation sunk into the depths of his consciousness and silenced his sharp tongue. He heard every word that his son said, every vowel rung true and he saw the frightened woman in front of him in a new light. He was never as blind as his own son where she'd been concerned, he'd seen the side glances that Buffy had snuck in when she thought that people weren't looking. He'd even seen her shed a tear or two at time that people thought she was crying in happiness at a special occasion, he knew different it was more like a tear shed in loss and want for something she couldn't have. Yet, he always knew that she'd kept her distance and had never interfered with her sister relationship.

He could see that his son now openly adored her and there was something else there, something that he hadn't seen in his son for a long time. Contentment. His life with Lily had been good at the beginning into their relationship and his son seemed complete with his wife, but after a few years the shine that used to be there was gone, even if his son didn't or couldn't see it, he could. He really wasn't surprised when William had told him and his wife that she'd left, what had hurt was the devastation that it had for his son, and the pain that had flooded deep into William.

"And now?" Mr. Freemantle asked his son.

"Now, Buffy and I are going to bring up the baby." Spike got up and walked over to her, taking her hand he lead her to the other sofa and sat down with her. "Together Dad. We're doing it together."

"And Lily, where does she fit into all of this?"

"No where!" finally Buffy broke her silence. "She has nothing to do with this baby anymore, Mr. Freemantle. Lily walked out on me and her husband for another man. She didn't want the baby or Spike!"

"And you do Buffy? With Lily out of the picture you get my son and his child." Mr. Freemantle asked his son's sister in law.

"Don't you dare talk to her like that, Father!" Spike stood like a viper ready to strike as his temper snapped. "I'm the one that came here demanding to have a place in her life, her house and the baby's! Me, Dad, not her. I'm the one that demanded all this! I never gave her any real choices in this and this has nothing to do with you! This is my family!"

"You're family! You're not divorced from the first wife yet and you've already set up house with the second."

Buffy could feel her mouth drop open and her sharp intake of breath as his father verbally attacked them. It shocked her to see his father like this; it was totally out of character for him, he'd always been the most pleasant man that she'd meet. She could only guess that Mr. Freemantle was only doing it out of concern for his son, but his ugly words stung deeply, and they'd been through enough hard times already.

"Dad, I think that you should go." Spike spoke quietly demanding that his father leave.

"Spike?" Buffy looked at him. "Don't do this."

"What Buffy?" Spike looked from her to his father. "Let him talk to you, to me like we're nothing? No, Buffy. If he can't accept us and the baby then I'd rather not be his son."

"I never said that I'd never accept your child! For heavens sake, William! It's my bloody grandchild!"

"Then show it! Show me some support and acceptance! Show some respect Dad, for me and Buffy."

"I'm sorry, William." Mr. Freemantle stood up to his son, and touched him with his hand on his arm. "I'm so sorry, William, it's just such a shock." He turned to look at the young woman that still sat on the sofa, "I'm sorry, Buffy, I had no right to say anything."

"No, you don't, Mr. Freremantle, this is between me and your son. We've been through hell and back in the last few weeks, and not you or anyone else is going to stuff it up!" Buffy's anger surfaced as she said her peace, she knew that there would be some resistance from his family. She also couldn't deny the fact that some of the anger came from the fear of how her own family would react in front of them, and the hurt that they hadn't contacted her sliced through her, it was if she didn't even exist. She could feel the tears begin to form behind her eyes as she felt Spike's arm come around her shoulders to comfort her and support her. Buffy felt the soft kiss on the back of her head, as his pulled her further into the sofa and put his arms around her the best he could.

"Dad, you have to understand that this is what we both want, and we've both chosen. Lily's leaving was probably the best thing to happen lately, at least she's really showed her true colours." Spike looked at his father as he put his hand over their baby. "But this is my child and I would choose the baby and Buffy over anyone any day. So you either accept the child and us, which goes for you and mother, or …"

"I get the picture, William!" his father came back with in response to his son's warning.

"Fine and dandy. As long as we're clear on that one."

They all sat in silence for a short time as what had happened penetrated itself into their consciousness, and the realisation of what was going on around them. Spike seemed satisfied that his father knew exactly where he stood and what he expected from his family as he outlined it for his father. Buffy was perplexed at the whole situation, and what the implications would mean, she knew that they might get some resistance from his mother, but she didn't really give a damn, well she did a little for Spike's sake. Maybe once the baby was here, his parents may soften a little towards them and the situation.

"I'd better get home before you're mother starts wondering where I am." Mr. Freemantle spoke softly breaking the silence, even if it was a statement that both father and son knew not to be true, it was just a convenient escape tactic for him to leave with some dignity intact.

"Are you going to tell mum?"

"Of course, it would explain some of your missing time and behaviour! You may think that she doesn't care much because she never shows it son, but she was worried about you."

"What taking two weeks before trying and find me?"

"Spike please!" Buffy interceded as he spoke, "Not today please."

"Okay!" Spike looked at his father, as he reclined into the sofa, and let go of the disappointment he felt towards his parents, and which he wanted to air. "Luv, for you anything." Spike spoke with a strong conviction in his voice as he stared straight into his fathers' gaze in defiance making his stance on how things would be quite clear. Accept us or forget us.

"Thank you Buffy." Mr. Freemantle got to his feet and walked towards the door, as the couple on the other sofa, moved in the same manner and direction behind him. "I hope you realise that that you have my support," he looked at his son refuting the his son's earlier rebuke, "my wife might be another matter, but she'll come around. Better yet it will be guaranteed when the baby is born."

"It better be Dad," Spike put his hand around Buffy in showing their unity. "It's still the same for Mother, she accepts the three of us Dad, as a family or nothing."

"William, your mother…"

"Just making sure that you understand the rules, Dad, I want to misunderstanding for the future."

"Fine," Mr Freemantle walked out the door but turned before the door was shut behind him and looked at the young woman with his son. "Buffy, I am glad that you are having the baby, and I'm sure that Evelyn will, too, despite what my son might say."

"Thank you." Buffy spoke with a quiet clarity of what he was saying to her, she watched as he walked down the front path to the car that was parked on the curb. She looked at the man beside her as the tension rose in his body and resulted in the muscles of his cheeks begining to twitch, and the arteries in his neck begining to bugle. He obvious greater concern was that his family wouldn't accept her and to a lesser extent their child, she could feel the apprehension radiate from him in waves as it poured of him.

She shut the door after a short time of just looking into the void of the empty street that just saw the occasional car drive by, it was apparent that Spike wasn't going to shut it. Buffy didn't want her neighbours getting a free look into her personal business, not that they'd had free front row seats to the drama that unfolded in front of them on a daily basis. She took his hand leading him into the kitchen, making him sit on one of the stools behind the breakfast nook, as she pulled out a pan to heat up some milk.

He watched as she prepared him his favourite drink, as she yanked out the cocoa and pulled the cupboards apart until she found those little marshmallows that he loved.
She had yet to say anything about what had happened between his father and himself, he could feel the fear rise in him, it felt like the ground that they'd covered was threatening to give way. She finally placed the mug in front of him, as she leaned across the bench she ran her had to his check from his chin with a strained but gentle smile.

"You and your dad will work it out." Buffy tried to reassure him of something at least. "Looks like you two have issues?"

"Buffy, my dad could go to buggery for all I care. The important people here are you, the baby and me. What he says, thinks or does is irrelevant." Spike looked into his drink unable to look at her in fear of what he might see.

"Is that what's bothering you?" Buffy finally clicked onto what he was raving on about. "You're frightened that I'm going to back off somehow because of what he or your mother might think?" She couldn't contain the laughter that exploded into the room from her mouth. "God, you're thick, Spike! I wonder were you got your brain from sometimes!"

"I'm what?"

"Thick! As in have no idea! Lost to reality!" Buffy moved around to the other side of the counter, as he moved to sit on the side of the stool so that he faced her. "As in I'm not going anywhere. As in I'm here to stay. As in I'm yours for life."

His jaw dropped as she stated her intension and the truth of her commitment to them and him. Yet she still had yet to say the words that he truly longed to hear, to embrace and to say back to her when she said it. He was afraid to say anything after the last time that he tried to tell her the truth in what he felt, it was true that he doubted that he would have a repeat performance, but he didn't know if he'd get the response he wanted. Spike didn't want to push the boundaries just yet, he already made more head-way than he could have every imagined. It was going to be interesting when she was greeted with the news of their next big move their life together, but then again that's another chapter yet to unfolded.

Buffy looked at the deep seeded fear that was reflected in his eyes, she could see the need that he had to just grab onto her and hold her. Just to reassure himself that she was here and going to stay. It worried her that she felt this from him twice in one day, especially this morning as they lay in bed together and now that same feeling sat in front of her. She leant forward and reassured him in the best way she knew, she softly kissed the skin that lay over his cheekbone, until she reached his mouth.

Delicately brushing her own lips against his own, she grasped the soft tissue of the flesh between her own, and at times nipping it with her teeth, grasping the blunt edges of them along the tissue. Over and over gently expressing the reassuring rhythm of her need for him, and her want of him, she knew that he was so unsure of the future despite her reassurances but she didn't know how else to reassure him. She tried to express it with her touch and in her kiss, but she doubted it would be enough, they'd been through so much in the last few weeks. Buffy wanted to assure him that she was with him all the way, and in every way.

"I'm here okay and I'm not going anywhere," Buffy moved back slightly from him. "Why don't we go out? Get away from here for the day, as our covers been blown, and your mother may show up! I don't think that I could cope with that."

"Good idea, Goldilocks." Spike pulled her back down to kiss her again, but she only allowed him a little pleasure before she pulled away. "Hey, I wasn't finished with you. Luv!"

"What's with the 'Goldilocks' business?"

"Well what am I supposed to call you? Luv? Pet? Sweetheart?" Spike pulled at her hair that hung over her shoulders, running it between his fingers. "Goldilocks?"

"Oh," was all she could say as the colour of his eyes darken to a deeper shade of blue, and as she watched the desire rise within then. "Oh…that Goldilocks? The three bears story?"

"Yeah that one Luv. Especially the bit about 'whose been sleeping in my bed' bit?"

"Spike!"

"Hmm, gives me ideas and fantasies to survive on."

"Spike!!!"

"Well, Luv, cannot wait to see if your hair bounces when we…" He stopped suddenly when she lifted a nearby spatula threatening to hit him with it, Spike gently grabbed her hand as a mock grin filled her face, "This flapjack ain't ready to be flipped, Luv."

Spike stood up from the stool, still holding her hand that threatened to hit him with the implement that she held in her hand. She gently tried to pull herself out of his grasp, as his other free hand slid down her arm and onto the thigh that it rested upon, he watched as her mouth dropped open in surprise as he slowly drew it up dragging the dressing gown that shielded her body from view. He watched her struggle for oxygen as he gently scrapped his nails along her inner thigh. He stopped just above her shorts that she'd slept in last night. Spike moved his hand to the side of her thigh and continued with the upward motion until reaching the side of her panties. He watched as she appeared to stop breathing when he traced the panty line down for a few centimetres until her hand dropped the spatula and grabbed onto his, halting his movements.

"Buffy, I want you."

He didn't remove his hand, but he lent in and kissed her with a gentle passion, that was tender and reassuring. It still demonstrated the deep restrained passion that he was holding back from her, frightened to scare her away. She eased his hand away from her inner thigh and around to her waist the best she could, pulling herself as closely into his body as she could. Returning his kisses, as she deepened it just for a little while opening his mouth to her tongue. Tasting the soft flesh within, exploring the ridges of his mouth and the soft and hard textures that she found within. Sliding her flesh along his as they embraced the passion that flowed between them and united them. Until they could feel the fire begin to burn between them.

Buffy was the first to pull away from him as he grasped her hips and ground himself into her, showing the extent of his need for her. She untangled herself from him, as she straightened her clothes out, and looked at the floor to unsure if she wanted to see the hurt and disappointment in his eyes. Buffy had to admit to herself that she should have pulled away earlier but she was too caught in the heat of the moment.

"Don't you want me, Buffy?" Spike moved up to where she stood and lifted her chin up seeing the uncertainty in her eyes.

"I want you," Buffy looked away from his gaze. "But I don't know if I'm ready to yet or that I can?"

"So you're saying you want me, but not yet?" Spike looked at her in concern, "Or you want me but you can't because of the baby?"

"Both…"

"But you want me?" He just had to ask he had to be sure.

"Yes, I want you!"

This was beginning to frustrate her so she moved her hand to his t-shirt that he'd slept in and ran a single finger down it along the hard ridges of his chest and abdomen until it rested on the top of his abdominal muscles. She gentle began to draw a circle around his flesh until she touch the taunt fabric of his sweats that outlined his erection. Palm down she tauntingly massaged the straining flesh that continued to harden under her gentle strokes. This time it was his turn to gasp and seem to be unable to breathe, as Buffy increased her pace and the pressure of her strokes that she placed on his flesh.

"I want you more than I can say or show you."

Her words echoed in his ears and penetrated through the cloudy haze that hung in his mind, but he could still hear her caution from before. Her hesitation in moving things too forward to fast, deep down he knew that he wouldn't want anything more than to get her into his bed and satisfy her until she was screaming her lungs out with his name on her lips. As much as he didn't want too he removed her hand from his erection and took a few deep breathes to get the oxygen flowing back to his brain, and let some sanity reign.

"Please, Luv, stopor I won't be able to stop, even if you asked me too." Spike asked her in a low toned voice.

"I don't have to.. I could…" Buffy stumbled through her words, shy and a little embarrassed.

"No, Luv, please…" Spike walked a few feet from trying to put some safe distance between them, when all he wanted to do was just grab her and run upstairs to their bedroom. "Maybe we should go out like you said. Take a break from here. Besides my mother might show up and we wouldn't want her to find us in any compromising situation, do we?"

Still caught in the daze of the desire they shared Buffy blindly responded, "But we could go upstairs? She wouldn't know anyone was home…"

"Luv, we have plenty of time for everything, just not right now. I think we need to get out of the house cool down, and hide somewhere else just in case my mother comes hurtling through the door."

Buffy only nodded in agreement with what he was saying, still a little stunned by him turning her down for at least a little pleasure between the two of them. She'd let him take her out for the day, and she'd make sure he'd spoil her rotten, but when they got home tonight, that would be a different story. Despite all of her misgiving she knew she was willing too give some of herself over too him, but not all of it, not just yet anyway.

But soon….

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