Title: Love's A Funny Thing
Author: Pattyanne
[email protected]
Disclaimer: None of the BtVS
characters belong to me.
Rating: NC-17
Summary: AU. Buffy is (believe it or not)
working as a stand up comedian. Spike owns
the club where she's currently performing.

Part 5...

"More experience under my belt?" she asked,
giving him a look. "Is that an on-purpose pun or was
it an accident?"

Spike grinned. "You choose."

"I'll go with the accidental...because if you did that on
purpose, then I can't have anything to do with you."

He looked surprised. "Why not?"

She slipped one hand around the back of his neck. "I'm
in the humor business. I can't be seen with a guy who
makes bad puns on purpose. None of my friends will
ever speak to me again."

"Ah, I see," he nodded. "We'll go with accidental then. But
you never answered my question."

"What was it again?"

"Are you ready for more experience?"

Buffy thought it over. She was definitely ready more of
THIS experience. "One problem," she said.

"What's that, love?"

"My butt hurts on this table. Think we could take this
over to the sofa?"

**************************************************
"Then you start flirting with other men. That's the
beginning of the end. Flirting with other men is like
the safest sex you can have and not be cheating.
Cuz flirting is fun, isn't it? And we've all done it.
Everybody flirts, even if there isn't a chance in ten
million that anything is going to come of it, we still flirt."

A handful of people applauded.

"Freeway flirting. That's a kick. We just love to do that. I
guess because it's so safe. You know you're never going
to see that person again, you don't have to worry about
whether or not you brushed your teeth, or your deodorant
is about to give out. It doesn't matter. You're all safe and
cozy in your car...and you know your exit's coming up."

Situating herself on the stool, she waited for the laughter
to subside.

"For any of you who don't know the drill, this is how
freeway flirtation is played. You notice a car pull up along
next to you and you kind of glance over and check out the
driver. If he's cute, you smile back....sometimes. There's
another way to go. See, you PRETEND to be completely
unaware that you're being checked out while you do cute
little things like checking your makeup in the rear view and
licking your lips. Running your fingers through your hair
and letting it blow in the breeze from the window you just
opened...and don't think he didn't notice you doing that."

"You find a sexy song on the radio and crank it up. You
can sing along if you want to, but don't go overboard. You
don't want him to think you're some kind of nut."

Snapping the microphone into its stand, she held an
imaginary steering wheel.

"Now it's time to test his interest. You speed up a little,
and wait for him to catch up. Then you slow down a bit
and wait for him to drop back. You speed up, slow down,
speed up, slow down...etc. A word of warning...watch
out for cops when you do this. Believe me, there's nothing
sexy OR cute about having to submit to a field sobriety test."

Clutching her 'steering wheel', she made a face.

"So, you do all these things to make him notice; you play
with your hair, you lick your lips, you do everything short
of holding up a sign that says, Hey! You in the BMW!
Yeah, you! This is YOUR lucky day."
**************************************************

"I'm sorry, love." He picked her up and carried her to
the couch. Sitting down, he turned her until she was
straddling his lap. "Is this better?" he asked, fondling
her rear.

His erection was blatantly on display, and she had to
pause to admire it. He had to go a good ten inches,
and it was big the other way as well.

When it came to erect penis', Buffy decided, size might
not be the only indication of ability, but it sure was more
fun to look at.

"Like what you see, baby?"

Looking back up at him, she blushed at being caught
staring. She brazened it out, using her standard method;
humor.

"So far, so good," she shrugged, trying to look only
mildly impressed. "What else you got down there?"
Scooting back on his legs, she pulled his pants the
rest of the way down. "Looks good," she added, wrap-
ping her fingers around his dick. "Feels good, too."

Spike's head dropped back as he closed his eyes,
relishing her touch.

"I wonder how it tastes."

THAT comment brought his head up so fast that she
heard the muscles in his neck pop. "Help yourself,"
he rasped.

"Don't mind if I do." Sliding to the floor, she knelt in
front of him and parted his thighs.

**************************************************
"If things go your way, then he'll be looking at you when
you finally look at him. The timing of this is crucial, and
you have to look a little surprised, as if to say, 'Why, hello!
I didn't even notice you over there, but now that I have, I find
you quite attractive.'

The dance continues. He pulls up a little bit in his lane.
You, not wanting to seem too eager, hang back for
exactly 3.2 seconds. It helps to have a stopwatch
handy. It's gotta be precisely timed, because if he gets
too far ahead of you...well, then you just look pathetic
and desperate trying to catch up."

Turning her 'wheel', she worked an 'accelerator'.

"He moves ahead a little...you move up, too. He drops
back a bit...testing you, I suppose...and you slow down.
He slows down a little more. You slow down, he slows
down. You slow...okay, something's not right here. He's
almost at a dead stop on the I-5."

She gave the other 'car' a perplexed look, then dropped
her hands from the invisible steering wheel.

"This is the moment, folks, when you realize he's NOT flirt-
ing with you. No. He's trying to get AWAY from you."

The club exploded with laughter.

"Yeah...he's AFRAID of you. He's trying to pass you
and get OFF the freeway, even if his exit is still fourteen
miles up the road, he doesn't care. He'd rather run out of
gas and have to hoof it to a service station then take his
chances with you on his tail."

Picking up her water glass, she took a sip.

"But then, things start looking up. Maybe you were wrong,
you think. You must have been, because he's pulling
up beside you again AND he's rolling down his window
to say something. Which is encouraging...until you
hear him holler..." Turning sideways, she cupped
one hand against her mouth. "WHERE THE FUCK DID
YOU LEARN HOW TO DRIVE?"
*************************************************

She'd had him in her mouth for nearly five minutes. He
was lying against the back of the sofa, his face a perfect
picture of bliss, groaning and panting under her touch.

Buffy wasn't all that experienced at this particular form
of foreplay, but she seemed to pleasing him so she threw
herself into her task with abandon.

When she felt one hand playing with her hair, she almost
stopped, remembering that comment from her act.

Then, he did something that could very easily have made
her fall completely in love with him right on the spot. Without
taking his hand from her hair, he brought himself out of the
state of bliss he'd obviously been in long enough to laugh
softly and say, "Don't worry, darling....I won't pull it hard."

Buffy felt her heart expanding. If this had been a movie, she
wouldn't have been surprised to see the room light up with
a heavenly glow while choirs of angels sang Hallelujah.

Finally, a man who understood that sex didn't have to be
a deadly serious endeavor! That it could have light moments
and not lose any of its impact or detract from the pleasure
of it.

Was this guy really too good to be true?

"Don't stop," he whispered, stroking her hair gently. "That's
the sweetest thing I've ever felt."

Sighing softly with her own happiness, Buffy swirled her
tongue around the head of his shaft. Over and over, she
circled the sensitive flesh, dipping the tip of her tongue
into the slit, making him gasp and arch his back as she
tasted the salty drops of semen he produced.

He was far too big for her to take all of him, so she
did the best she could, making up for it by wrapping
her fingers around the wide base, moving the sheath
she'd made of her hand up and down his hard pole. It
slid through her wet fingers easily, generously lubricated
by his excretions.

Then, holding him firmly in place, she slid down as far
as she could go and waited a moment, then pulled her
head back, sucking as hard as she was able.

"Buffy," he groaned. "That feels wonderful...but you
need to stop."

**************************************************
"Sometimes you have to actively TRY to break up a
relationship. I mean, you get to the point where you
can't wait to let nature...or the lack of it...take its
course. Suddenly you realize...'Hey! You ain't getting
any younger. There's an entire generation of nineteen
year old nymphomaniacs coming up, and they're out
there looking."

Targeting an attractive young blonde, she made eye
contact with her.

"Like this one, for instance. How old are you? Twenty-
four? You are not! You're drinking MILK for god's sake!"

She turned her attention to the man sitting at the same
table. "Are you familiar with the term 'jail bait'? No? How
about 'sixteen will get you twenty'?"

Waiting for the laughter to die down, she moved closer
to the edge of the stage.

"You don't believe she's twenty-four, do you? Well, have
you seen her driver's license? What? She won't show
it to you? Oh, well, there you go....bad picture, my aunt
fanny! She doesn't have to show you the picture. She's
hiding something, my friend, you mark my words."

Buffy moved back to the stool and leaned on it.

"Anyway, you want to end the relationship, but you
don't want to do it the EASY way by saying...'I want
to end the relationship. Cuz where's the fun in THAT?

So you start picking fights, for no...good...reason. Your
man will come home from work and say, 'Hi, baby. Did
you have a good...."

She whipped around violently, glaring at her unseen
partner. "GO TO HELL" she screamed. "Always with
the questions?! If I want you to know what kind of day
I had, I'll TELL you what kind of day I had!! It was MY
day! I'm not required to share it with YOU!"

Buffy glared one last time, giving her "boyfriend" a
turned head and stuck up nose.

"At that point, he might try to be extra nice, thereby
sabotaging your plans. Well, you can't let THAT happen!
You'll NEVER get rid of him. So, the nicer he gets, the
nastier you get."

Turning from side to side to carry on a conversation,
she played both parts.

"I don't WANT any dinner, and IF I did, I can feed
myself. I don't need some expensive restaurant to do it
for me!"

"Okay, okay," she held up 'boyfriend' hands, "why don't
you take a long hot bath and relax?"

"Are you implying that I smell bad?!"

"Of course not! No, darling. You smell wonderful. I know!
Why don't we go shopping? We can spend hours at the
mall and I'll buy you a big diamond ring!"

"I don't like diamonds! What the HELL gave you the
idea that I like diamonds? God...do you even know me
AT ALL?"

She flung up her hands in disgust.

"Finally, when you've almost reduced him to tears, he
gives up. He just comes right out and asks, "Honey?
What's wrong, sweetheart?"

"Whatever makes you think something's wrong?"

"Well....the gun in your hand?"
**************************************************

Buffy looked up and saw he was serious. His face was
taut with strain and he looked a little sweaty.

But what if this was one of those situations where someone
'said' stop, even though they didn't really want to. Best to
check.

Lifting her head, she asked, "Are you sure?"

He took in and released a deep breath. "Yeah, honey, I'm
sure. I'm about to lose any little bit of control I have left...and
I don't want that to happen just yet."

Sliding both her hands up his thighs, she smiled at
him. "Exactly what DO you want to happen?"

Without skipping a beat, he grinned and winked at her.

"I want to get inside you....right now."

So here it was.

The point of no return.

TBC.....
Comments? Critiques? Whichever. I can take
anything except being laughed at.....no, wait a
minute.....