Title: Love's A Funny Thing
Author: Pattyanne
[email protected]
Disclaimer: None of the BtVS
characters belong to me.
Rating: NC-17
Summary: AU. Buffy is (believe it or not)
working as a stand up comedian. Spike owns
the club where she's currently performing.


AN: Once more into the breach...


Part 3...


She had no time to think, no time to decide between
what was right and what was wrong. Her skin felt overly
warm with strange excitement and anticipation.

The man standing on the other side of the room was
making her body go haywire without even trying.

His face was expressive, telling her more than she was
sure she was ready for. His feelings showed with a
captivating sweetness on the sharp contours of his features,
a mixture of high amusement, intense physical attraction,
and a bit of mischief thrown in for luck.

God, he had beautiful eyes. They were a dark, clear
shade of blue, startling against the fairness of his com-
plexion, and they had secrets in them that she wanted to
reveal.

His gaze moved over her, touching her body and
stealing her breath.

From her position of half frozen shock, she watched him
lock the handle of the door. "Please," he said softly, moving
towards her, "don't stay if you don't want to. I'm not one to
keep you here against your will. If you want to leave...nothing
will change. I won't stop you, and your job won't be affected
in any way."

So much for sexual harassment.





*********************************************
"I just ended a really bad relationship. It was good when
it started, don't get me wrong. I'm not stupid enough to
start bad relationships on purpose. It just kind of...fizzled.

But I knew it was coming. All the signs were there,
all pointing me down that dead end street. You know what
I mean, right? When all the little things that you thought
were so cute in the beginning of the relationship, now
just piss the living shit out of you. Make you want to just
kill him and bury him in an unmarked grave.

Like...oh, I don't know...like eating ice cream directly from
the container. I used to think...Oh! We are so close, so
intimate...so in tune with each other. Yum-yum. Give me a
bite...."

A few chuckles and a general nodding of heads were her
response.

"Now, it's like..." She made an angry, disgusted face. "Could
you BE more god damned lazy? You're standing right in front
of the cupboard! Could you please just get a bowl and behave
like civilized people do? Is that TOO fucking much to ask?"

This time, she got a sustained barrage of laughs.

"The times when he would creep up behind you and just
grab you around the waist and hug you and kiss the side
of your neck, and you'd giggle your stupid little head off"

She wrapped her own arms around her waist and wriggled
around as she spoke in a squeally voice.

"Oh! You scared me! Stop! That tickles! Come onnnnn!"

Buffy stopped her antics and placed her hands on her
hips.

"Now..." She turned and shoved away her imaginary
boyfriend. "I said, knock it off! God...you're always
sneaking up on me...Do I LOOK like I think it's funny?
You're in my space!"
*******************************************



He honestly couldn't remember the last time he'd been
so instantly attracted to a girl.

Not just attracted to her sexuality, but to the whole
package. Her face and form, her intellect and her
humor; all of it combined to present him with a delight-
fully intriguing little challenge.

Spike approached her slowly, not wanting to make her
feel nervous or pressured. He didn't exactly clear a path
for her, but he wouldn't stop her from trying to leave if she
wanted to.

Somehow, he didn't think she wanted to.

When she'd first presented herself in his office, looking
for a chance to perform, he had glanced up and felt an
immediate jolt of attraction. She was such a pretty little
thing, so bright and cheery.

No more than five feet two, and as slender as a young
sapling, she wasn't without her womanly charms. Sunlight
adored her face, her beautiful skin was a perfect example of
the classic 'peaches and cream' complexion, with just a
few small golden freckles scattered across her nose.

And her mouth...God, that mouth. Her lips were soft and
curved like a child's, colored a delicate rose. He'd wanted
to hold her face in his hands and stroke those moist lips
with his thumbs.

Under a fringe of honey brown bangs, her eyes were as
green as grass and they sparkled when she smiled.

She rose to her feet, watching him closely, but she
made no attempt to evade him.

**Ah, I knew this attraction was mutual.**



***********************************************
"He'd bring home the wrong thing from the market, but
you wouldn't care, because he always brought you a little
surprise. You know...a rose, or a funny card, maybe
your favorite candy bar. And you'd say, "Baby, you are
so sweet! Always thinking about me," she cooed in a
sickeningly honeyed voice. "Oooh, I love you, love you,
love you!"

She sipped water while waiting for the laughter to ebb.

"Now...you look at him like he just crawled out from under
the kitchen sink."

Placing her hands on her hips again, she glared at her
non-existent opponent. "Well, WHAT am I supposed to do
with this? Am I supposed to wash my hair with a Snickers
Bar? Why don't you try doing something useful like writing
down what we need at the store, huh? Do I have to do
everything around here?"

Letting a tiny smile play on her lips, she leaned over in
a confiding manner.

"Mine had this thing about buying 'feminine products' for
me. Hated it. Put up a fuss like I'd asked him to fetch me a
container of toxic waste. Sanitary pads...tampons...Monistat
Seven....if it went between my legs, he wasn't buying it. Flat
out refused to even touch the package.

I used to think...that's cute. He's shy and kinda fumbling
about it. Later, it was..."What's the hell is the matter with
you? What...are you worried that the cashier might think
you're buying them for yourself? Act like an adult, for crying
out loud. You know what...if you don't bring that Tampax,
don't bother to come home. Just stay in your car and keep on
going. Start a new life."
**********************************************



Buffy felt a stirring in her lower parts that could only
mean one thing.

This man was turning her on in a way she'd never
quite felt before.

Just the way he was looking at her was making her a
trifle damp. If he touched her, she didn't know what
would happen. How in the world would she control
herself?

But it was going to happen. There was no getting around
it. He was moving closer and she wasn't budging. Any
second now, he'd be close enough to touch.....

He lifted one hand to her cheek, brushing the back of his
fingers over her skin. Her nerves tingled as his hand slowly
skimmed lower, following a lock of hair that lay against
the side of her neck, trailing it down over her collar bone
to the upper swell of her breast. He turned his hand and
pressed gently with his forefinger, circling the firm point
of her nipple.

She felt the heat burning all the way through her blouse
and bra, but couldn't break away from his direct gaze to
try and figure out what the hell was happening.



*********************************************
"Then you get to a point where EVERYTHING irritates
you. Every stupid little thing he does, from what he eats
for breakfast to what channel he watches the 11:00 news
on. He can't do ANYTHING right, can he?"

She saw a couple of women nudging their men playfully.

"He could go out and buy you a brand new car, and you'd
be pissed." Using a picky, bitchy voice, she said, "I hate
black cars. They hold the heat and they always look dirty.
I can't drive a stick, you KNOW that, and there's not a hell of
a lot of trunk space is there? I read about these in Consumer
Digest. Did you know that they tip right OVER if a car pulls up
beside you on the road, and they've now found that the air
bags can kill you. That's right!...Now. what kind of mileage does
this thing get, and oh, that's just great! Just perfect! The gas
tank is on the WRONG side, and now I suppose I'll have to get
rid of all my cassettes and buy CDs."

She stopped and smiled.

"He'd have every right to just punch you dead in the face,
wouldn't he?"

Pulling back her arm, she faked a punch.

"Pow! Out go your lights."
*********************************************



When he'd stood up from behind his desk to shake her
hand that first day, he'd felt a spark flare between them
as their hands clasped.

The warm summer air, combined with the drag of her
shoes over the carpet had created some static electricity
that caused the brief jolt, but he'd preferred a different
explanation.

As far as he'd been concerned, that had been an omen...a
portent...of greater things to come. Someone, somewhere,
was signaling their approval.

It had been all he could do to sound normal and unaffected
by her, especially when he'd felt his dick hardening in his
jeans, throbbing with a need for release. For one horrible
moment, he'd been certain that she knew of his dilemma,
when their eyes had met in a melange of confusion and
recognition, and startled surprise.

And the feeling never went away. It was with him constantly.
Things were not as they'd been with other women he'd
found attractive. When he hadn't actually been with them,
he'd rarely felt anything at all.

But this girl...this five foot nothing, ninety pounds soaking
wet girl, with her bright eyes and dazzling smile, her funny
comments and overpowering sexual allure...was never far
from his mind.

Maybe it was too soon to be making these moves, but,
what the hell? Life was short. When something felt this
right, it would be a crime against nature not to go with
the feeling and see where it might take you.

There was a possibility that it would take you absolutely
nowhere. Then you could chalk it up to experience and
move on.

But the other possibility, the one that was heating his
blood and shortening his breath, THAT was the one that
made it worth the risk.


**********************************************
"When the physical side of the relationship starts to
deteriorate, it goes fast, doesn't it? Like a freight train with
no brakes going downhill. No matter how good the sex
was at one point, you just aren't interested."

Practically everyone in the audience nodded.

"In the beginning, you were doing it once a night and
twice on Sunday. In the middle...at least three times
a week. Towards the end...maybe once every ten days.
But, when that train finally crashes into the side of a
mountain, you can't even REMEMBER the last time you
did it."

She flipped pages in an imaginary day planner.

"Okay...I know it was a Monday night, because I ran out
of KY jelly and I remember getting some the next day from
that store near my mom's house and I visit my mom every
other Tuesday, but....she's been in Europe for the past
six weeks. Hmm. So, it was a Monday, at least six
weeks ago...give or take."

Closing the book, she tossed it over her shoulder.

"Then you start making excuses for not doing it...and
some of them are pretty lame, aren't they?"

Once again, she turned to confront her 'boyfriend'.

"I can't do it tonight. I'm.....having my period!" She
paused. "Yep...seventeen days now. I know, it's
weird, isn't it?." Another pause. "No, I do NOT need
to see a doctor!" She rolled her eyes. "Look...I know
my own body, okay? Now, back off!"

Now, it was the men's turn to nudge their women.

"It gets worse," she continued. "I have a yeast infection...my
back hurts...I have a headache...I have a toothache...leg
cramps...I'm too hungry...I'm too full...I broke a fingernail...
sprained my right ankle...I feel fat today...sprained my LEFT
ankle...trick knee...paper cut...my GUMS are bleeding!
Have a little consideration, will you?"

Buffy smiled at the applause.

"I had it all. I had PRE-menstrual syndrome, DURING-
menstrual syndrome, and POST-menstrual syndrome. I
had the whole month covered."
****************************************


When Buffy's spellbound paralysis finally broke, it
went with a bang.

Spike slipped one hand behind her neck and hauled her
close, plastering her body against his.

"I want you," he whispered, covering her mouth with his
and kissing her deeply.


*******************************************
"Another tell tale sign that things are wrapping up
is when you stop kissing. I don't mean the 'have a nice
day, honey' peck on the cheek, or the half asleep
kiss goodnight.

I'm talking about the serious kissing. The kind you do at
the beginning of your relationship, when you sit on the
couch necking for days at a time and your face is all
scraped by his five o'clock shadow. You don't care. Your
lips could be feeling like they'd been shot full of Novocaine,
but you keep going at it."

She flexed her jaw as though she was easing a muscle
cramp.

"Kissing is great, isn't it? Kissing is one of the best ideas
anyone ever had. It's your first sexual impression. And we
all know how important first impressions are, so your first
sexual one had better pretty damn good if you want to be
around long enough to make another one."
****************************************



His voracious mouth swallowed the soft whimper she
made as he plunged his tongue between her lips,
searching for hers.

She met his wildness with some of her own, sucking
his tongue, changing angles frequently. It was hungry
and ferocious, and everything a first kiss should be.


*****************************************
"When you're being kissed by someone who knows
what they're doing..." She smiled and closed her eyes,
tilting her head back with a dreamy expression on her
face. "there's nothing else like it. Conversely...when
you're being kissed by someone who does NOT know what
they're doing," Her eyes stayed closed, but her smile
disappeared. "there's nothing else like it." She opened
her eyes and placed her hands on her hips. "It's SO gross!"

That line got a lot of applause. Buffy grinned. "So, you
know what I'm talking about."

Most everyone in the audience agreed with her.

"Some guys can't kiss. They can't do it properly, and
they shouldn't even try. Kissing is an art. It takes skill.
It takes finesse. It takes sensitivity. It does NOT take
three and a half feet of tongue!"
*******************************************



Sinking one hand into her hair, he pulled on it, arching
her neck. His tongue moved delicately in her mouth,
teasing and tasting, tangling with hers.

Her heart was pounding so hard that she half
expected it to seize up and quit working. She could
feel her pulse pounding in her ears.

"God, you taste sweet," he whispered when he tore
his mouth from hers.

Buffy was floundering. "Tic-Tac," she managed to
gasp.

He grinned devilishly. "Give me more, then."


********************************************
"The tongue is a crucial element in a good kiss. You
have to know what to do with it. How to use it just right
for maximum effect. Not too much...not too little. It must
be light and playful and teasing, and at the same time,
hot and deep and demanding.

It's learned behavior. You're not born with it. It's not
coded into your DNA. It takes practice. That's why you
start when you're around twelve. It's a learn-as-you-
go process. If you have a natural aptitude, you start
being really good at it around...say nineteen or twenty.

If you DON'T have the natural aptitude, but you're willing
to learn, you'll probably have it down before you hit
twenty-five or so."

She sighed deeply.

"If you're a hopeless, tongue ramming clod, just cut
your losses and try to develop other talents. Maybe
kissing's not for you.

I can't stress it enough. You have got to know what to do
with your tongue, and if you don't, then for the love of
God, keep it in your own mouth. Don't shove it down MY
throat! You're not groping for spare change under the
sofa cushions. Just wait right there, and I'LL come
to YOU!"

As the laughs waned, she climbed back onto her
stool.

"You know, over the course of my lifetime, I've been
kissed by some of the best, and a lot of the worst. So,
I can't help thinking that they should teach it in high
school. It should be a mandatory course. Fail...and
you don't graduate with the rest of your class!"

She adopted a "teacher" persona.

"We can't release these people out into the world! We
have to protect the public interest. If they can't pass
Kissing 101, then God only knows what will happen if
they try to have sex! Why it doesn't bear THINKING
about!"

Buffy shuddered in feigned horror.

"But the good kissers? You KNOW they aced that
course. Probably handed in extra credit reports and
stayed after school to study. Just imagine THAT grade
point average!"
**********************************************


Without once breaking their lingual contact, he pushed
her up against a wall, lifting her under her arms.

Buffy gave a little jump, wrapping her legs around his
waist as his hands moved to support her bottom.

Their kisses turned harder and deeper still.


****************************************
"When you're being kissed by a straight A student,
that's a little slice of heaven. The entire world could be
crumbling to pieces around you...volcanoes could be
erupting...earthquakes could be shaking down every
building...tsunami's could be wiping out the entire eastern
seaboard...fucking nuclear WINTER could be setting in...and
you won't care. Just as long as that class valedictorian
has his tongue in your mouth...and his hand on your ass."
*****************************************


TBC...

(I did my trick. Do I get my treat?)

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