~~~~~ "I'm lying alone with my hand on the phone Thinking of you till it hurts I know you hurt too, but what else can we do Tormented and torn apart." ~~~~~ It had been ten days since she'd said it. Ten of the most difficult and heart wrenching days of his life. Ten days. Two hundred and forty hours. Fourteen thousand and four hundred minutes. He knew, because he had counted every blessed one of them. Time was a thing he had an abundance of. Days, years, and centuries of it. He'd always been able to find things to do with it. Even though he had an unlimited supply, he didn't believe in wasting it. Of course, the things he'd filled his time with had changed three years ago. Or rather, they'd been changed for him...thank you modern science. He could separate his life into so many different categories that it was hard to keep track of them at times. Not the ordinary categories that most people used; infancy, childhood, adolescence, and adulthood. His categories were much more fine tuned and calibrated. After counting in the first four, the ones that all mortals who lived normal life spans counted, he could add; before being turned and after; before Drusilla and after; before Sunnydale and after; before the chip and after; before loving the slayer and after. Now, he had some brand new categories to add: Before making love to her and after; before she'd said goodbye and.... No. That was about it. He couldn't look any further ahead of himself. Time had run out. Time had stopped. Time was no longer on his side. Time's up. And one more hackneyed cliche to add to this list...time to go. ~~~~~ "I wish I could carry your smile in my heart For times when my life seems so low It would make me believe what tomorrow could bring When today doesn't really know." ~~~~~ Time to go? Time to go where? Did he really think that there was a place in the world he could go where she wouldn't still be hounding him? Still, waste of time or not, he had to go. Staying would hurt too much. A lot more than he was capable of dealing with. Can't go back. Got to go forward into the pain. Dive into it. Wallow in it. Swim through it. Try like hell to get to the other side of it and maybe...just maybe...he would survive. If he left now. ~~~~~ "I'm all out of love, I'm so lost without you I know you were right, believing for so long I'm all out of love, what am I without you I can't be too late to say that I was so wrong." ~~~~~ Spike took one last look around, then closed the door of the crypt for the final time. Shouldering his duffle bag, he made his way through the damp grass of Sunnydale's oldest cemetery. He was halfway to the front gate when he spotted a familiar figure weaving her way amongst the tombstones. She was walking slowly, seemingly deep in some private place in her mind. There was no spring to her step, no cocky 'come and get it' body language. Her pace could only be described as trudging. Leaving the duffle bag on the ground, he followed her. When he got a little closer, he saw that she had a stake in her hand. Normally, this would have prompted him to be cautious in his approach, but at this point he was beginning to feel like being staked would be an improvement. Not yet, though. Not until he told her. "Buffy?" He saw her tense up, but at least she stopped. "What?" "Can I talk to you for a minute?" Buffy sighed deeply. "What about?" She turned to face him, looking both angry and listless at the same time. "Before you accuse me of it," he said, hoping to stave off any nasty comments, "I'm not following you." She sighed again, looking away from him. "Fine. What do you want?" Taking a closer look at her face, he was alarmed at what he saw. Her skin was so pale, almost chalky. There were dark circles beneath her eyes and she looked like she'd lost a little weight, which she couldn't afford to do. Her hair hung around her face in lank clumps, as though she'd forgotten to wash it. Even her eyes were lacking their normal fire. Guilt washed over him. Had she actually been so unhappy with him that it had brought her to this point? Why hadn't he seen it? Now, he knew he had to go. If he'd had any doubts about it before, they disappeared in the face of her obvious misery. The sooner he was gone, the better off she would be. "So..are you gonna talk or not?" Buffy's voice jarred him out of his thoughts. "Yeah," he said firmly. Striving for a bit of his old bravado, he added, "Don't get your panties in a knot, okay? I just wanted to...to tell you goodbye. I'm heading out of good old Sunnyhell." Buffy couldn't have looked more surprised if he'd suddenly fallen to his knees and proposed. "Wha...you're not serious." She stared up at him with doubtful eyes. "Are you...serious?" Spike nodded. "Completely serious, luv. You can count on it." Her brow furrowed. "Well...where are you going?" He was about to answer when he saw her expression change, and for the life of him, he couldn't quite describe it. "You're not going to look for..." she began. He gave her a questioning look. "Look for what?" "For... for Drusilla." He released a short laugh. "Christ, no!" Spike wasn't sure what he wanted to do more; howl with laughter at the absurdity of her suggestion; or scream at her stupidity for thinking it up; or cry, because she thought him capable of it. Clearly, this was one more sign that it was time to go. ~~~~~ "I want you to come back and carry me home Away from these long, lonely nights I'm reaching for you, are you feeling it too? Does the feeling seem oh, so right?" ~~~~~ Since he couldn't decide whether to laugh, scream, or cry, he chose to do none of those things. "I'm definitely not going to look for Drusilla. Not ever again. That ship sailed a long time ago." "Then where are you going?" Buffy asked. The only thing he DID know, was that it had to be far, far away from Sunnydale...and from her. Eons away. Light years. The absolute end of the earth. He had to be as far away as he could possibly get when the real hurting began to make it's impact. But he couldn't say any of this, and she was expecting an answer. "You know me, Slayer. I'm not big on planning ahead. I'm more of a 'flying by the seat of my pants' type. I'll just go, and see where I end up." He flashed her the sort of smart ass smile that used to get his face slapped. "I figure there's gotta be a little hell out there for me to raise." Buffy almost smiled. "If there is, I'm sure you'll find it." "Or it'll find me," he shrugged. "I'm just...." "So, when are you coming back?" Buffy cut him off, staring at the ground. The question surprised him, and he hesitated briefly before he answered her. "Well... I'm NOT coming back. It's not a vacation, luv. That's why I'm saying goodbye instead of "See you when I get back." Her head snapped up as though someone had jerked it on a string. "You mean... not ever?" Spike nodded. "Yeah. That's pretty much what I mean." But she wouldn't cooperate. "Why?" she demanded. "Why are you leaving? Because of what happened the other day?" He wanted to scream it in her face. Pound it into her thick head. Spike had to force himself not to let the words past his lips, because if he did, he knew he'd end up on his knees, begging er not to make him go. But, at the same time, he wanted her to know the truth of it. He wasn't about to come up with some ridiculous story, either to salve HIS pride or HER feelings. ~~~~~ "And what would you say if I called on you now And said that I can't hold on ?" ~~~~~ "Yeah," he finally said. "Because of what happened the other day." Spike steeled himself for the speech he'd had ten days to prepare. "I can't go back to what we had before. I just can't go from being your lover to being your friend, or your enemy, or your slaying partner...or whatever the hell else we ever were to each other." "Spike..." "There's no way that I can stand to be near you...and not have you be mine." He sighed in resignation of his own weakness. "I don't have the fortitude in me. Maybe...." He cast around in his mind for the right words. "If we had never...." "...made love. Then I could probably stay. But we did... and so I can't." He gazed down into her lovely green eyes. He had taken nothing to remind him of her. Not even a photograph. If he had, he'd never be able to stay away. Endless, aching years stretched out before him, an insurmountable void that would last until the day came when he could no longer bear the pain, and would put an end to himself. weak and I can't go...I can't go...I can't.....> "I can't stay." The sadness was strangling him. He had to finish this before he was incapable of speech. "You say goodbye to everyone for me, okay? And, tell Dawn....well, just tell her that I'll write to her." ~~~~~ "There's no easy way, it gets harder each day Please love me or I'll be gone I'll be gone...." ~~~~~ He reached out with one hand, brushing her hair back from her face. "You take care of yourself, all right? I swear, if I find out that you've gotten yourself killed again, I will come back and personally kick your ass all the way to the other side," he said, with a lopsided smile. Moving his hand beneath her chin, he tilted her head up. "I'll always love you. No matter where I go...in this world or the next...I'll love you. I'll never regret one moment of our time together." Bending his head, he placed a soft kiss on her forehead. "And I'll never forget you." Now, there was only one thing left to say, so he swallowed the ache in his throat and said it. "Goodbye, Buffy." ~~~~~ "I'm all out of love, I'm so lost without you I know you were right, believing for so long ~~~~~ Almost physically ill with pain, he turned on his heel and walked away, not wanting to be anywhere in sight if... when... he broke down. ~~~~~ "I'm all out of love, what am I without you I can't be too late to say that I was so wrong."

~~~~~ "I've had a lot of big dreams I've made a lot of bad moves I know you could walk away But you never do..." ~~~~~ Buffy stood there, watching him go. She was dead silent at first, then shook her head as if she was trying to bring herself out of a trance. "No," she whispered. "No. No. No! NO!!!" Her voice rose in volume with every "no" until she was screaming it. "NO! NO!! YOU CAN'T DO THIS! YOU CAN'T! I WON'T LET YOU!! I WON'T LET YOU!! I WON'T...." Blinded by tears, she took two steps forward and stumbled. "SPIKE!!" She was on her knees, still screaming "DON'T LEAVE ME!! DON'T LEAVE ME ALONE IN THE DARK!!" Suddenly, all the strength seemed to drain out of her body, and she fell forward. With her cheek pressed against the wet grass, she began to cry. "Don't leave me," she sobbed, her breath coming in hitches and gulps. "Don't leave me alone in the dark...without you. Oh, God....please!" Her small body trembled in the force of her tears. "Please...please...please...." Spike turned and saw what had happened, and he knew that he was lost. Without hesitating, he ran back to her. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry," she was whimpering through her tears. "Please...I'm sorry....I'm...." Almost in tears himself, he sank to his knees and gathered her into his arms. She wrapped herself around him, clinging like a frightened child as he pulled her into his lap. "Shhh," he whispered, rocking her slightly. "Don't cry, baby. S'all right...everything's all right." She only cried harder. "Baby, baby, baby," he tried to soothe her. "Don't cry anymore. It's all over, sweetheart. Stop crying, now." Buffy tightened her arms, seemingly afraid that he might disappear if she loosened her hold. "Please, sweetheart," he said again. "You know I can't stand it when you cry. Try to stop." "Don't leave me," she whispered brokenly. "Don't leave me." Christ! Look at what he'd done to her. He'd been leaving her. Doing what every other man in her life had done. Her father, Angel, Riley, even her watcher. Willingly or unwillingly, they'd all turned their backs and walked away. he chastised himself. "Buffy, I'm sorry. Oh, baby...I'm so sorry." He continued rocking her in his lap, stroking her hair gently. "Hold me tighter," she begged, fresh tears beginning to trickle down her cheeks. "I'm here, sweetheart," he reassured her. "I'm right here. I won't let go, I promise." He cuddled her and soothed her, and she began to quiet down. Slowly. Just a little bit at a time. But every time he stirred, she gripped him harder. So, he sat with her...holding her when she was quiet, and whispering words of comfort in her ear when she cried. Almost an hour had passed before she relaxed her hold on him. The temperature had dropped sharply, and the air was cold and damp. He felt her shivering in his arms. "Come on, sweetheart," he said. "It's getting too cold out here for you. Let me take you home." Buffy shook her head in vehement denial. "I don't want to go home," she said, looking into his eyes. "I want to stay with you." ~~~~~ "I've met a lot of cold hearts I've learned to smile and deceive I know I'm hard to be around But you never leave..." ~~~~~ Her words caused a heady rush of emotion within him. "I want that, too," he said. "I don't ever want to let you out of my sight again." "Then take me somewhere else. Somewhere we can be alone." Spike eased her off his lap and stood up, pulling her up along with him. "My place, then," he said firmly. Bending down, he picked her up in his arms and carried her back towards his crypt. This finally produced a tiny smile on her face. "You don't have to carry me," she murmured. "I'm not a baby." "Yes, you are," he replied. "You're MY baby, and I happen to like carrying you. You wouldn't deny me that pleasure, would you, luv?" Twining her arms around his neck, she laid her head on his shoulder and closed her eyes. "No," she sighed. "I wouldn't deny you that pleasure. I like it, too." ~~~~~ "I'm not easy to understand But you hold out your hand.." ~~~~~ Pushing the door open with his shoulder, Spike carried Buffy into the crypt. The only illumination in the room came from the muted glow of the moonlight through the tiny window of frosted glass. "Hang on a minute," he said, setting her down on the sarcophagus. Buffy watched as he lit several candles, then went down the ladder to the lower level and did the same. She smiled when he reappeared. "Forget to pay the electric bill?" Spike chuckled. "I guess it slipped my mind." Their eyes met. Buffy stopped smiling and held out her arms. Without a word, he stepped between her parted knees and wrapped his own arms around her waist, pulling her so close that he could feel her heart beating. "Spike?" "What, baby?" She pulled back and held his face between her hands. "I... I'll say it. I promise I will. I don't know when I...." "It's all right," he said. "I can wait." Buffy swallowed hard. "You know that I care," she said softly. He nodded. "I know you do, luv. That means a lot to me." With a suddenly bashful smile, she ducked her head. "You know...I like it when you tell me you love me," she confessed. "Especially when we're...." "Making love?" he offered. Slipping her small hands behind his neck, she leaned forward and breathed warmly in his ear. "Yes," she answered. "When we're making love." It was the first time she had ever referred to what they did together as lovemaking. Even during the few gentle encounters between them, she hadn't acknowledged any sort of tender feelings about it... or about him. He tended to be talkative during sex, and he'd babbled in her ear constantly, declaring his love for her. He'd never dreamed that she was actually listening to him say it...and enjoying it. The world that had been shattered at his feet just a short time ago, was suddenly filled with possibilities. He was back where he belonged, and he wasn't going anywhere. No matter what limitations she placed on their relationship, he would abide by them. ~~~~~ "And you say you love me Just as I am You always treat me The best that you can ~~~~~ Buffy laid gentle kisses on his face, tenderly tracing the high arch of his cheekbone. Her fingers danced over his features, caressing the line of his jaw and lightly touching the scar that marred his eyebrow. When he felt her index finger move along the curve of his lower lip, he grasped her playful hand and kissed her little fingers. She giggled and continued dropping teasing kisses on his cheeks, barely brushing the corner of his mouth with her lips. Frustrated, he placed both his hands on her waist and molded her upper body against his. "Kiss me properly," he demanded. Buffy was surprisingly obedient. Sweetly pressing her lips to his, she smoothed his unruly curls with her fingers. When she broke away to draw breath, he tried to clear his head. "Buffy?" "Hmmm?" She kissed and nuzzled the side of his face. "I'm not...complaining, luv...but what about....oh, yes," he groaned when she bit down on his earlobe. "What about the...things you said...before?" She pulled back to look into his eyes. "Well," she said. "That was all pretty much blown out of the water when you turned around and walked away from me. I...I couldn't stand it. I don't think I've ever been so scared of losing someone before." "I'm sorry." He kissed her lips, gently coaxing them apart with his tongue. "Sorry, baby." "Don't say it anymore," she said. 'It's over now...and we'll make it better this time." "Yeah," he grinned at her. "We'll make it damn good, little girl." "Starting now?" "Starting right now." ~~~~~ "You say you want me, need me Love me, baby Just as I am..." ~~~~~ In the chamber below, they made love by candlelight. Moving rhythmically together, their hands and mouths mapped familiar territory as their bodies moved in a slow, playful chase around the bed. Spike drew her to her knees, then slid his fingertips down her neck to her shoulders. When she leaned forward, craving more intimate contact, he lowered his hands to her breasts. "Yes," she moaned. "Touch me. It's been so long." He cupped the soft mounds firmly in both hands, massaging them as he teased the hard peaks. Buffy's breathing escalated, and she moved one hand behind his neck and began to urge him to lower his head. "Please," she whispered. Spike smiled against her skin. "So impatient," he said, kissing a path from her collarbone down to the beginning swell of her breasts. "I know what I like," she replied smartly, tangling her fingers in his hair. He licked and kissed the creamy surface of both breasts, inhaling the fragrance that was hers alone. When she couldn't bear to wait another moment, she cupped his chin in her hand and guided him where she wanted him to go. "Open your mouth," she ordered. "You know what I want." "Mm-hmm," he murmured, rubbing his cheek against her. "I know exactly what my girl wants." He moved his hands to cup her from beneath, then lifted her right breast and took it into his mouth. Sucking gently, he used his thumb and forefinger to stimulate her other breast. "Oh, God...yes," she said, dropping her head back. "That's so good." He responded by sucking harder, rubbing his hips against hers. Buffy parted her thighs, allowing him to slide his erection between them. Instantly, she clamped her legs together, squeezing him in the tender trap. Spike groaned deep in his throat. The soft warmth of her thighs pillowing his achingly hard shaft was almost enough to set him off right then and there. His hips moved back and forth in shallow thrusts, and he sent his hands down and around to cup the cheeks of her ass. She was becoming very wet between her legs, as semen began to ooze out of him, smearing on her thighs and mingling with the moisture trickling out of her. Releasing her nipple, he tilted her backwards over his arm, kissing the silky skin between her breasts. "Spike!" she gasped, digging her nails into his shoulders. He lowered her to the mattress, nipping and kissing his way down over her abdomen. Trapping her hips in his hands, he pressed his face against her sex, licking her with a fierce tenderness. He couldn't get enough of the taste and the texture of her most intimate place. Her strong, young body twisted and arched beneath the onslaught of passion he was unleashing on her. "Buffy," he whispered, drinking up every bit of the slick fluid she was emitting. "So sweet...mmm...ripe and juicy, s'what you are." Her hips jerked in his hands when his tongue probed more deeply, making her cry out as waves of pleasure shot through her. When her body began to come down, she opened her eyes and gave him a dreamy smile. "God, I've missed that," she panted. "No one's ever made me feel the way you do." Spike shrugged, as if the reason was patently obvious. "Because no one's ever loved you the way I do, baby." He rubbed his cheek against her soft tummy. "And no one ever will." She stretched like a pampered kitten. "Come and love me now," she invited him, holding out her arms. These sweet invitations into her embrace was definitely something he could get used to. Moving up and over her, he lowered his head and kissed her as she slipped her slender arms around him, holding him tightly to her. ~~~~~ "I've made a lot of heartaches I've found a lot of closed doors When all the others turn away You love me more, you love me more." ~~~~~ Spike rolled over, setting her astride his hips. "Want to go for a ride, little girl?" he asked her with a cocky grin. Buffy was still shaky from the aftermath of her orgasm, but she spread her fingers on his chest to balance herself. He lifted her and aimed his rigid cock right at the entry to his own personal heaven, then lowered her down on him, groaning as her tight passage gloved his erection. No matter how many times he did this, her heat and wetness was a shock to his system. He could feel nerve endings vibrate and hum all over his body as he impaled her on his cock. Releasing a shuddering moan of pleasure, Buffy looked down at him. Locking his gaze with hers, Spike began slowly raising and lowering her. "That's my girl," he encouraged her. Taking a firmer hold on her waist, he helped her bounce up and down. "You like it?" "Yeah-huh," she nodded, caught up in the rhythm. He began to thrust a little harder and faster. "Oh, yeah," he groaned in a husky voice. "That's the way...come on...do it. Fuck....unh...unh." Grunting slightly with every upward stroke, he took one hand off her hip and raised it to her mouth. "Open up, baby," he said, sliding his index finger between her lips. "Suck on it...get it good and wet." Buffy closed her eyes. Placing her own hand over his, she licked and sucked on his finger with a single minded passion. When it was wet enough, he pulled it out of her mouth. Ignoring her soft cry of protest, he placed his finger at the apex of her sex, locating the hot button with no effort. Her eyes flew open wide as she gasped for air with a soft scream. "Yes...yes...yes," she chanted, staring sightlessly at the ceiling as his finger rubbed wetly against her clit. While that hand stayed busy between her legs, his other hand slid up her front and found her breast. Fondling it roughly, he tugged and pinched her nipple to diamond like hardness. He watched her, fascinated by the way her face changed expression. "Oh...oh, yes," she whined. "Spike....yes...I'm...oh..." "Tell me," he rasped. "Tell me what you're doing. Say it!" "I...I'm....oh, God! Gonna....gonna come." She drew a ragged breath. "Oh, please...." "Please what?" He pinched her clit firmly. "....make me...make me come...pleasepleaseplease," she begged for release. The need in her voice drove him wild. "I'll make you come," he grunted harshly. "Make..you..come.. so..fucking..hard!" Each word was accompanied by a powerful thrust up into her. Buffy collapsed forward on his chest. This position lifted her ass a little higher, and Spike grabbed it. Holding it in place, he adjusted his angle of entry and began to pump in and out of her at a dizzying pace. "BUFFY!" he shouted, feeling the onset of orgasmic relief. "Fuck me....fuck me....cream all over my cock...yeah, do it...oh, baby, do it! DO IT!!" "Spike...." "Yeah....ahhhh..." "I'm...." "....coming..." "Yes...yes...YES!" "Buffy....love...you!" "....love you...too!" Those three words were the only catalyst needed. Crying out in mutual bliss, they held hands and jumped over the edge together, landing in a place they'd never been before. ~~~~~ "I want to love forever To keep our world together And be the best that I can be Baby, every time the world caves in on me." ~~~~~ "Did you mean it?" "I said it, didn't I?" "Well, yeah... but in the heat of..." "I meant it." She placed one finger on his lips to hush him. "I've been in heat with you plenty of times and never said it before." "That's true," he said, kissing her lightly on the lips. "So, what happens now?" Buffy shrugged. "What do you want to happen?" Appearing to give the question careful thought, he smiled. "I expect it's too soon to propose, isn't it?" "Just a little," she giggled. Spike hesitated. "Will you be my girl, then?" he asked. Buffy nodded slowly, her eyes soft with love. "Yeah....I'll be your girl." ~~~~~ "And you say you love me Just as I am You always treat me The best that you can You say you want me, need me Love me, baby Just as I am Just as I am...." ~~~~~ ~The End~