Title: Blue
Eyed Devil
Author: Pattyanne
[email protected]
Disclaimer: None of the
BtVS
characters belong to me.
Feedback: Love some, thanks!
Rating: Up
to NC-17
Summary: AU. Spike Devlin is the
lead singer for the band 'Blue
Eyed
Devil'. Buffy Summers is the local
preschool teacher he falls in love
with
shortly before leaving for a
nationwide
tour.
Part
Forty-one.....
Hi, baby.....bet you didn't expect to be hearing
from me
quite so soon, did you? Well, I wrote this last night and
slipped
it into your bag this morning while you were
brushing your teeth and doing
all those other things you do
that makes you smell so good all the time.
See, I couldn't sleep last night. Not that you didn't tire me
out,
because you always do....and I always love it. But
I just couldn't seem to
close my eyes.
All I wanted to do was lie next to you and watch you
sleep, and memorize every part of you.
So, I did that for a while,
taking you in...breathing you in. I
needed to do that, luv. I want to imprint
you on my brain and
in my memory....everything about you....your face and
your
voice, the feel of your hair and your skin....the warmth of
your
breath....your touch.
By the time you're reading this, I'll be on
my way to Seattle
and wondering what the hell I'm doing....why am I going
in the wrong direction?
Why aren't I on that plane with you, holding
your hand and
telling you that we'll be on the ground soon, and then have
you tell me that that's NOT what you wanted to hear right
after take
off....
What am I doing, Buffy? Why am I moving away from you
when
everything inside of me is screaming to move towards
you. God, this is all
starting to feel like the biggest mistake
I've ever made, going on this
tour.
And, baby....how am I going to make it all the way to the
end? I
wish someone could tell me that, because I don't
understand it....and I
don't know if I can do it.
Last night, after we made love, you fell
asleep with your
body pressed against mine. That's just the most
perfect
feeling in the world, holding you after loving you like that.
The
way you give yourself over to me, the way you trust me
to hold you...and keep
you warm...and keep you safe...is
everything to me.
You know, baby, I
had all the usual expectations that other
people have while growing up. I
always thought I knew
what I wanted, and that I'd know it when I found it.
Of course, I wanted to sing. I didn't much care about being
famous or
wealthy...although it didn't sound bad...as long
as I could sing, and play,
and have people want to hear it.
I figured someday I'd meet the right
girl and fall in love,
then do all the usual things...the house, the picket
fence,
the kids and maybe a couple of dogs. And even though
I'd never
felt it before, I assumed I'd know love when it came
along.
And
then.....there was you. Dropping into my life, making
everything shiny and
new. I knew then....I knew it was here.
The very thing I'd hoped would
happen...did, and it's been
even better than anything I could have dreamed of
or asked
for.
I'm not sure there's a word for this feeling, but it's
not love.
It's so far beyond that word....so much more...and I don't
ever
want to be without it, be without you. Nothing else will
make me as happy as
you do, baby.
Yeah, singing makes me happy, but Buffy....you're the
reason
I sing.
It's you, baby. It'll always be you.
How can I
sing now? How do I get around this pain in my
throat, this huge aching mass
of missing you, needing you,
and wanting you?
Jesus, Buffy...I
haven't even left you yet and it's killing me.
Knowing that I don't have
a choice doesn't make it any
easier. There are a lot of people depending on
me and I
have to go through with it. Jobs are riding on it, and a
hell of
a lot of money...and I don't care, Buffy, I really
don't care.
Is it
bad that I don't care? That all I want to do is turn
around and head for
home....just crawl into your arms
and never come out again.
Am I a
terrible person for wanting to tell the entire rest of
the world to go to
hell? To leave me alone and let me be
with you for as long as I can, as long
as I live and breathe.
Baby, I don't mean to dump all this on you, and I
don't
want you to be unhappy or to worry about me. I'll get along
somehow
and then, when this is all over...I'll come home to
you.
After
that....well, we're going to have to figure something out
honey, because I
can't go through this again. Not ever.
I'll call you every day, baby.
And I'll write to you, too. And
every time I sing, I'll sing for you...even
though you can't hear
it.
God, this is hard. It really hurts, the
thought of being with-
out you. How can that be after knowing you for such a
short time?
Sweetheart, do you realize that we just met ten days ago?
I feel like we've lived a lifetime in those ten days, don't
you? How is
it possible to love someone so much after
ten short days?
And how
the hell did I get so damn lucky?
To love you, and to have you love me
back is a lifetimes
worth of luck. I'll never ask for another thing, because
I
already have this beautiful, precious love that I'll cherish
forever.
All because of you, baby.
You're the one, Buffy. You're my light and my
life, my
shining star...and I will go down on my knees and thank
God
every day for giving you to me.
Don't you forget about me, love. Hold me
in your heart,
the way I'll hold you in mine.....
All my love
forever,
Spike
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
With
her hand trembling a little, Buffy set the letter
down on her kitchen
table.
Her own throat was tight with the same pain Spike
had described
as her thoughts slid back to their parting
moments at the
airport.
*******************************
She hadn't expected
him to take her. Rather, she'd
thought he'd say goodbye in the suite and
then hand
her over to the limousine driver.
But he'd made
arrangements, allowing himself sufficient
time to go along with her, to make
sure she got on the
right plane and to beg her not to take more than one
of
Willow's motion sickness pills.
Truthfully, Buffy hadn't intended
to take any at all. The
fear of a plane crash had been too deeply
overshadowed
by the sadness looming in front of her. There was no pill
in
the world that could help ease the pain of separation.
They hadn't spoken
much on the ride to the airport. She
had no interest in looking out the
window, of taking one
last look at San Francisco.
Their hands had
stayed tightly clasped together, even when
they became sweaty and sticky from
the close contact. Every
so often, he would give hers a gentle squeeze and
she would
return the pressure.
Traffic was light, and it hadn't taken
long for them to reach
their destination.
Once again, she'd trailed
after him through the confusing maze
of corridors, escalators, and moving
sidewalks.
Her feet felt as heavy as her heart, and she'd dragged
them
along on nothing more than sheer will, forcing them to carry
her to a
place she didn't want to go.
She hadn't cried. No matter how badly she'd
wanted
to....needed to....she hadn't given in to tears. Things were
bad
enough without her turning into a weepy mess.
After checking her in and
depositing her luggage on the
conveyor belt, Spike had steered her in the
direction of the
departure lounge. There were surprisingly few
travelers,
and they sat together alone, close to the window.
Waiting
for her flight to be called had been agonizing.
She'd actually begun to feel
like a prisoner waiting to be
escorted to the gas chamber. Knowing what was
ahead,
and dreading it, had stretched her last nerve nearly to
its
breaking point.
Casting about in her mind for something to say that
would
lighten the gloomy pall surrounding them, she had fallen
back on
idle small talk.
She'd made her voice sound reasonably cheerful as
she'd
said, "It looks like it's going to rain."
Spike had glanced out
the window. "Might."
"Maybe they won't be able to take off," she'd
added,
only half teasing.
There'd been a long pause, then he had
released a
deep sigh. "Planes take off in this all the time. The
pilots
are used to it. Don't worry."
Still keeping a 'stiff upper lip' she'd
smiled. "Oh, I'm
not worried. I'm an experienced flyer now."
That
comment had drawn a slight smile out of
him. "Yeah, that's you," he'd said.
"Little world
traveler, aren't you?"
"Mm-hmm. Ready to join the jet
set. Spring in Paris.
Winter in Monte Carlo. Summer in....."
"Summer
in where?"
"I don't know. Where does the jet set GO in
the
summer?"
He'd opened his mouth to reply, then a slight
'pop'
from the intercom had startled them, making them
tense up, only
relaxing when a tinny sounding voice
had informed them that a non-stop flight
to Chicago
was boarding at another gate.
That small scare had banished
all their forced levity.
Spike had given in to the need first. Slipping
his arm
around her, he'd pulled her out of her chair and into his
lap,
wrapping her in an embrace that felt almost
desperate.
Buffy still
hadn't allowed herself to cry. She'd leaned
against him, stroking her hand up
and down his arm.
His arms had tightened convulsively. "I love you,"
he'd
whispered.
Her emotions had come dangerously close to
spilling
out of her, but she'd kept them firmly in check. "I
love you,
too."
"Buffy...."
She'd waited for a count of ten, then prompted
him
to continue. "What?"
Gathering his thoughts, he'd tried to
speak.
"Tell me," she'd coaxed gently.
Spike had shaken his head.
"I...I love you,"
he'd said again, unable to articulate
anything
else.
He'd been visibly struggling for the things
he'd
wanted to say, and it really wasn't like him to
behave that
way.
Spike was always so brash and confident, so
certain of himself.
He had a quick wit combined
with a boyish charm, and was never at a loss
for
words.
From the day she'd met him, he'd been a force of
nature; striding into her life and shaking it to its
foundations, telling
her exactly what he wanted,
that he expected to get it, and that he wasn't
about to take 'no' for an answer.
Seeing him so helpless in the grip
of his emotions
had nearly broken Buffy's heart, reinforcing her
own
resolve to be strong.
"I love you, too." She cupped his cheek in
her hand
and tilted his face, leaning down to kiss him. "You're
mine, you
know."
"I know." He had nodded, swallowing hard. "You're
mine."
"Always will be."
There'd been another long moment of
silence.
"This is harder than I thought it would be," he
had
whispered.
The pain of holding back her tears had made her
head
throb.
"Yes," she had agreed. "But I'm still glad I came."
Another
jerky nod. "Me, too."
The anguish inside him was becoming evident in his
voice by that time, and Buffy had suddenly wanted
her flight to be called
so as not to draw out the misery
any further.
Her own pain, she could
deal with...later. But she
couldn't bear seeing his.
Five minutes
later, she got her wish.
"I guess that's me," she'd said, climbing off
his lap
and bending to pick up her handbag.
"Yeah." He'd stood up and
pulled her into his
arms. "Buffy..."
"I know," she'd murmured,
stroking the back of his
head. "Kiss me goodbye, now."
Taking in a
ragged breath, he'd captured her mouth
beneath his. Arms tight around her,
he'd lifted her clear
off the floor, kissing her with all the fervor of
someone
desperate to hold on and never let go.
She'd had to push him
away, and he hadn't made it
easy.
His hands had clutched at her as
he'd strained to get
close once again. "Wait.." he'd begged.
"Just....not
yet...please....Buffy, don't...."
Nearly overwhelmed by
what was happening, she'd
disentangled herself and begun to back away,
joining the line of people waiting to board.
There was a rope on
either side, the kind usually seen
in a bank or a movie theater, and he'd
followed her
on his side of it, holding on to her hand.
"I'll call you
tonight," he'd promised. "And when I
get to Seattle."
"All right." Her
hand had slipped from out of his. "I'll
talk to you
then."
"Okay....yes, and I...I love you." He'd raised his voice
as
she'd moved further away. "Baby, I love you. I love
you so much. You...you
remember that, okay? Will
you, Buffy?"
"Yes," she'd said. "I'll
remember...and I love you, too!"
She'd thrown him a kiss and then turned
to merge with the
other passengers.
"Buffy!" he'd called loudly,
making her turn her head to
look at him. "Don't ever stop loving
me!"
"Never," she'd promised, waving one more time and then
looking
away, not wanting to see him turn and walk
off.
She was biting her
lower lip, trying again to hold off the
flood of tears she'd needed to cry,
determined not to look
back....but unable to stop herself.
What she'd
seen had almost been more than she could
bear. He'd backed off about fifteen
yards and was staring
in her direction. His chest was rising and falling in
deep,
painful looking breaths, and his hand was over his heart,
as though
it would shatter apart inside of him should he let
go.
Her own heart
had been thudding in her chest as
she'd turned away. The people in front of
her had
moved forward a few feet and then stopped when the
line stalled
for some reason.
"Buffy! Buffy....wait!"
She'd whirled around,
shocked to see him practically
running towards her, bumping into people
without a word
of apology.
Buffy had stepped back, allowing the people
behind her
to go ahead..
Staying on the outside of the rope, Spike had
grabbed her
and pulled her back into his arms, burying his face
against
the side of her neck.
"I can't do it," he'd said softly,
shaking his head and
burrowing closer. "I can't, Buffy...I can't let
you...let
you just leave me. I....I don't want to go anymore. I
don't...I
need you..."
She'd wrapped her arms around him, holding him close,
and
then had nearly lost all her hard won control when
she'd felt the hot
moisture on her skin and realized that
he was......
Pulling away,
she'd looked into his eyes...those beautiful
blue eyes that were always so
sharp and clear...and
found them wet with tears.
It was more than she
could stand. She'd placed her hands
on his cheeks and pulled him down to her.
"Spike....I
have to go."
"No," he'd shaken his head, unwilling to
accept her
words.
"Yes," she'd insisted. "And you have to go,
too."
"I can't." Another shake of his head. "I can't do it."
"Yes,
you can." She'd brushed her thumbs across his
cheeks, wiping the tears away.
"You can."
He'd looked at her, then down at the floor, then back
at
her. "How?" he had asked, as though she truly had
the answers. "How can I
live without you? Tell me
how....and I'll try."
Sadly, there'd been
nothing she could tell him.
She had no idea how.
***********************************
She hadn't cried on
the plane. She'd just stared
out the window with dry eyes that didn't really
see
anything.
The limousine driver had met her at the gate,
fetched
her luggage and then driven her home...and still she
hadn't
cried.
Her control stayed with her into the evening. At
seven o'clock
she showered and then stretched out
on her bed.
Finally, she gave in
to the blessed relief, allowing
it to wash over her, to engulf
her.
Hot, scalding tears slipped slowly down her cheeks
and soaked
her pillow.
Starting quietly, her sobs rose in intensity when
she
realized what was happening. She was crying
too hard to do anything about it
other than lie on the
bed, her entire frame shuddering with every wave of
cramps and every rush of blood.
TBC.....
(I kind of
thought it suited for Spike to
be the one to break down. Did I over do
it
by letting him cry?)