26 June

Seeing Myanmar through the clouds

As we ascend, I was beginning to see clearer of where we are, the vast expanse of greenery demarcated in parts by grey streaks of streams and rivers, has grown to envelop my entire field of vision. Even in its capital city, Myanmar retains its classic country flavour, encroaching relentlessly on the city center whose sporadic development is unable to fuel further growth and expansion. Where the urban and rural settlements do meet is an admixture of low-rise shophouses and concrete buildings interspersed with make-shift shanty towns. It takes only half an hour to leave Yangon city, the well-paved roads soon giving way to dirt tracks and pot-holes. My view is increasingly being obscured by the clouds till I lost sight of what I am looking for. After another week in Myanmar, what have I left behind this time? And what have I brought back home?

The Bilin Dilemma

Not every endeavor embarked upon must have a definite conclusion: success of failure, for it hinges on both the prevailing circumstances and personal expectations. The higher one's expectations, the less easy he will be satisfied. I am glad to see many a smiling faces returning to Singapore. They were no doubt, charmed by Myanmar and exhilarated over the new-found experience they now shared together which will remain in their memories for a long time. Throughout the trip, the fact that we have not done anything for Bilin Township kept weighing on my mind. I dared not be indulgent, for I knew there is still much left to be done. Am I too solemn and should relax for a while, but the world will always need people like me around, to be focused and able to see things objectively without be clouded by personal sentiments. 

Bilin is situated in Mon State, a 5hr-drive from the capital. Few amongst the Burmese living in Yangon have been there, let alone be interested in the healthcare needs of the population and it makes little sense that a foreigner like me should attempt to "help". But the Project started because of Bilin, and we are able to secure a foundation, no matter how shaky it may be, to build something for the future, or rather my future - the aspiration I take to in my life. I have always felt the same, that there must be a deeper meaning to life than the mere monotonous routine we are subjected to everyday leading us to a common path where everybody will take. I sought solace in religion, which I had accepted whole-heartedly as the only way to the Truth, the other is to serve, while time is still on my side.

Loss and hopelessness

The money we raised was not squandered though I was concerned about the amount we need to fork out to cover our administrative expenses incurred during the span of a year, a larger bulk of it did go to well-deserving charities in Yangon even if none were to be channelled to Bilin. We made small donations to every institution we visited save for the public institutions which we are not allowed to make monetary contributions without official approval- the Mahasantisukha Sunday School and Medical Center, Myaing Thar Yar Rural Health Center, Thanlyin Parahita Orphanage, Social Welfare Girls Training Centers and the two free dispensaries. The state of some of these places are appalling if not shocking; they have long been forgotten and neglected and a continuing decline is inevitable, the question to beg of is how long before eventual disintegration. What does it mean? For the Burmese who are used to such squalid conditions, what else can they be deprived of? I was filled with a sense of hopelessness as the days gone by. I sincerely hope the money we contributed will be put to good use as we intended, but they won't last forever and a bucket alone can't remove the water that has seeped into a sinking boat. If conditions within Yangon are as such, I cannot dare to imagine what is like in the rural areas and for the matter, the frontier states. 

There is nothing I can do. There are too many people in need of aid. Of course, I can always retreat into the comfort that I have done a good deed, but what is its significance other than a road-show with little effect whatsoever. Sometimes, I really do question my own sanity, whether I am too idealistic to attempt the impossible or maybe I should really be down-to-earth and do what I ought to be doing like everybody else. The best way to help is to become rich; give a lump sum to UNICEF or MSF and let them do the work for you. What about our own Singaporeans? Aren't there people who are in need of help too? Are we looking after them? Why look beyond our own shores when I am not doing anything for my homeland. 

A sense of inner loss and hopelessness threatened to overwhelm me. I am lost because I have no idea what I have done is worthwhile the amount of effort put in and where do I go from here. I felt hopeless because I have truly see for myself my personal limitations and that in reality nobody really need our presence. It is my ego that has been deceiving myself that I can do something and I am needed. It wants the entire world to know what it has achieved and how capable it is. Is there any meaning to this? Maybe the project has dragged on for far too long, maybe the ups-and-downs have depleted my reserve store of energy, maybe the daily stresses have eaten into me, maybe...maybe...maybe...

Farewell, my love

I have fallen in love with Myanmar. Just like two forlorn lovers meeting in brief amidst long periods of separation, I can't bear to leave my love. There is something I miss terribly much here and I know I must have left something behind but I do not know what. Memories, dreams and reflections, how many of these should one ought to bring back? I was frantically searching the recesses of my heart, hoping to find a solace I can retreat to in times of distress. There are many things in life that cannot be explained by mere logic alone. I could not understand my infatuation with a land as foreign to me as I am to its people, and I have stopped trying to understand myself. This is what passion is, you completely surrender yourself to it and no longer follows what your head is telling you. Though doubts do arise from time to time, the course of direction never changes. You may be there on your own, but there is a feeling that your destiny lies somewhere, a destiny belonging to yourself and nobody else and therefore you never care less whether there is companionship along the way. No matter how impossible it is, you still continue trudging on because the journey is fulfilling in itself, you do not think in terms of loss or gain, happiness or sadness, praise or disrepute. All you ever want to do is to let your heart bring you to where it wants to be. 

What am I? I am but a fallen leave, floating aimlessly in the air, seeking to find rest where I truly belong.....