These fwds fall under the category "Humor" because they all humorous, even if it's more sarcastic-funny that slap-your-knee type funny. Newer forwards are listed towards the bottom.
1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3.Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"
Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
EVER WONDER ....
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle)...in other words, send it to everyone. We all need to smile every once in a while.
This email has been passed a lot, but the thought is worth the read again...
Since the Pledge of Allegiance and The Lord's Prayer are not allowed in most public schools anymore because the word "God" is mentioned, a kid in Arizona wrote the attached
NEW School Prayer:
Now I sit me down in school
Where praying is against the rule
For this great nation under God
Finds mention of Him very odd.
If Scripture now the class recites,
It violates the Bill of Rights.
And anytime my head I bow
Becomes a Federal matter now.
Our hair can be purple, orange or green,
That's no offense; it's a freedom scene.
The law is specific, the law is precise.
Prayers spoken aloud are a serious vice.
For praying in a public hall
Might offend someone with no faith at all.
In silence alone we must meditate,
God's name is prohibited by the state.
We're allowed to cuss and dress like freaks,
And pierce our noses, tongues and cheeks.
They've outlawed guns, but FIRST the Bible.
To quote the Good Book makes me liable.
We can elect a pregnant Senior Queen,
And the 'unwed daddy,' our Senior King.
It's "inappropriate" to teach right from wrong,
We're taught that such "judgments" do not belong.
We can get our condoms and birth controls,
Study witchcraft, vampires and totem poles.
But the Ten Commandments are not allowed,
No word of God must reach this crowd.
It's scary here I must confess,
When chaos reigns the school's a mess.
So, Lord, this silent plea I make:
Should I be shot; My soul please take!
Amen
If you aren't ashamed to do this, please pass this on.
Jesus said, " If you are ashamed of me,"I will be ashamed of you before my Father."
1. We can wear guys clothes. If they wear ours, they get funny looks.
2. Our friends dont say hello to us by punching us on the arm.
3. Yea- PMS sucks. But at least we have a good excuse to chow down on chocolate for a week.
4. If we're on a really big ship that happens to hit an iceberg, we'll probably get first dibs on a lifeboat.
5. We get the bigger apartment on Friends.
6. Girl talk. You know, how we just understand each other without having to explain stuff.
7. We never have to stand at a urinal and have other girls stare at us.
8. Dark circles under the eyes? A hickey? We can just cover them up with a little concealer. ( how do guys live without that stuff?)
9. We dont have to shave our faces. (ouch that must hurt)
10. We can jump around a lot and shake our hair and it looks like we know how to dance.
11. all u guyz....... Need i explain this one????
12. We get yummy chocolates and flowers from guys!!
13. We dont have to dowse our food in Tabasco sauce just to look tough...lol
14. That whole circumcision thing!
15. When we get married we get to keep our own name or choose one that we like even better.
16. We dont have to deal with sideburns. Whats up with those anyway?
17. At least one girl always survives in horror flicks.
18. We never have to wear tighty-whities (or jock straps!)
19. Even if we are ugly we have make-up to fix it!
20. We can take stuffed animals to bed no matter how old we are.
STUPID QUESTIONS WITH THE SMART ANSWERS:
BOY : May I hold your hand?
GIRL : No thanks, it isn't heavy.
GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me!
BOY : You love me...
GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
BOY : Sure, what's your phone number??
GIRL : I think the poorest people are the happiest.
BOY : Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple
GIRL : Darling, I want to dance like this forever.
BOY : Don't you ever want to improve??
BOY : I love you and I could die for you!
GIRL : How soon??
BOY : I would go to the end of the world for you!
GIRL : Yes, but would you stay there??
SHARON : Have you ever had a hot passionate, burning kiss??
TRACY : I did once. He'd forgotten to take the cigarette out of his
mouth.
MAN : You remind me of the sea.
WOMAN : Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting?
MAN : NO, because you make me sick.
WIFE : You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out of
the other.
HUSBAND : You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes
out of the mouth.
MARY : John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly.What do u think,
Peter?
PETER : A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly.
1) Girlfriend : "...And are you sure you love me and no one else ?"
Boyfriend : "Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday".
2) Teacher : "Which is more important to us, the sun or the moon?"
Pupil : "The moon".
Teacher : "Why?"
Pupil : "The moon gives us light at night when we need it but the sun
gives us light only in the day time when we don't need it".
3) Teacher : "What do you call a person who keeps on talking when
people are no longer interested?"
Pupil : "A teacher".
4) Waiter : "Would you like your coffee black?"
Customer : "What other colors do you have?"
5) My father is so old that when he was in school, history was called
current affairs.
6) Teacher : "Sam, you talk a lot !"
Sam : "It's a family tradition".
Teacher : "What do you mean?"
Sam : "Sir, my grandpa was a street hawker, my father is a teacher".
Teacher : "What about your mother?"
Sam : "She's a woman".
7) Tom : "How should I convey the news to my father that I've
failed?"
David: "You just send a telegram: Result declared, past year's
performance repeated".
8) Teacher : "Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and
stopped him, what virtue would I be showing?"
Student : "Brotherly love".
9) Teacher : "Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before
eating?"
Sam : "No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook".
10) Patient : "What are the chances of my recovering doctor?"
Doctor : "One hundred percent. Medical records show that nine out of
ten people die of the disease you have. Yours is the tenth case I've
treated. The others all died".
11) Teacher : " Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
One Student : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day
and at the same time."
12) Teacher : " George Washington not only chopped down his father's
Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it.
Now do you know why his father didn't punish him ?"
One Student: " Because George still had the axe in is hand."
IF SOMEONE HAD A GUN HELD IN FRONT OF YOUR FACE AND ASKED YOU
IF YOU BELIEVED IN GOD, WHAT WOULD YOU DO?
SAY NO AND FEEL ASHAMED THE REST OF YOUR LIFE? OR SAY YES, I
DO, AND DIE STANDING UP FOR GOD? IF YOU'D SAY NO, THEN DELETE THIS
E-MAIL. IF YOU WOULD SAY YES, AND STAND UP FOR JESUS CHRIST, PLEASE
READ THIS AND PASS ON.
Note: This is a true article that was printed in a southern
newspaper less then a year ago
TAKE A DEEP BREATH BEFORE READING THIS
There was an atheist couple who had a child. The couple never
told their daughter anything about the Lord. One night when the
little girl was 5 years old, the parents fought with each other and
the dad shot the Mom, right in front of the child. Then, the dad
shot himself. The little girl watched it all. She then was sent to
a foster home. The foster mother was a Christian and took the child
to church. On the first day of Sunday School, the foster mother
told the teacher that the girl had never heard of Jesus, and to
have patience with her. The teacher held up a picture of Jesus and
said, "Does anyone know who this is?" The little girl said, "I do,
that's the man who was holding me the night my parents died."
If you believe this little girl is telling the truth that even
though she had never heard of Jesus, he still held her the night
her parents died, then you will forward this to as many people as
you can.
Or you can delete it as if it never touched your heart.
Funny, isn't it?
Funny how simple it is for people to trash God and then wonder
why the world's going to hell.
Funny how we believe what the newspapers say, but question
what the Bible says.
Funny how everyone wants to go to heaven provided they do not
have to believe, think, say, or do anything the Bible says. (Or is
it scary?)
Funny how someone can say "I believe in God" but still follow
Satan (who, by the way, also "believes" in God).
Funny how you can send a thousand 'jokes' through e-mail and
they spread like wildfire, but when you start sending messages
regarding the Lord, people think twice about sharing.
Funny how the lewd, crude, vulgar and obscene pass freely
through cyberspace, but the public discussion of Jesus is
suppressed in the school and workplace.
Funny how when you go to forward this message, you will not
send it to many on your address list because you're not sure what
they believe, or what they will think of you for sending it to
them.
Funny how we can go to church for Christ on Sunday, but be an
invisible Christian the rest of the week. (Are you laughing?)
Funny how I can be more worried about what other people think
of me than what God thinks of me. (Are you thinking?)
Everyone has that special someone in their life.
Someone who just seems to make everything better...
The sun is warmer.... The sky seems bluer....
The grass looks greener...Flowers couldn't be more beautiful....
All because of that certain wonderful individual....
Yes, the whole world just seems better whenever that person is around.
I guess there's NO denying it....
You are darned lucky to have a friend like ME.
Look what happens when a President gets elected in a year with a "0" at the
end.
1840: William Henry Harrison (died in office)
1860: Abraham Lincoln (assassinated)
1880: James A. Garfield (assassinated)
1900: William McKinley (assassinated)
1920: Warren G. Harding (died in office)
1940: Franklin D. Roosevelt (died in office)
1960: John F. Kennedy (assassinated)
1980: Ronald Reagan (survived assassination Attempt)
2000: George W. Bush ????????????
And to think that we had two guys fighting it out in the courts to be the
one elected in 2000.
You might also be interested in this.
Have a history teacher explain this if they can.
Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.
Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.
Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.
Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both Presidents were shot in the head.
Now it gets really weird.
Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's Secretary was named Lincoln.
Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners named Johnson.
Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.
John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.
Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names are composed of fifteen letters.
Now hang on to your seat.
Lincoln was shot at the theater named "Ford,"
Kennedy was shot in a car called "Lincoln" made by "Ford,"
Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.
And here's the "kicker":
A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland.
A week before Kennedy was shot, he was with Marilyn Monroe.
Creepy, huh? Send this to as many people as you can, because hey, this is one history lesson people don't mind reading!
A guy named Bob receives a free ticket to the Super Bowl from his
company.
Unfortunately, when Bob arrives at the stadium he realizes the seat
is in
the last row in the corner of the stadium - he's closer to the
Goodyear
blimp than the field. About halfway through the first quarter, Bob
notices
an empty seat 10 rows off the field, right on the 50 yard line. He
decides
to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around
the
security guards to the empty seat.
As he sits down, he asks the
gentleman
sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?"
The man
says,
"No."
Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game,
Bob again
asks the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right
mind
would have a seat like this at the SuperBowl and not use it?"
The
man
replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me, I was supposed to
come
with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we
haven't
been together at since we got married in 1967."
"That's really
sad," says
Bob, "but still, couldn't you find someone to take the seat? A
relative or
close friend?"
"No," the man replies, "they're all at the funeral."
THE FOLLOWING ARE REAL STATEMENTS MADE DURING COURT CASES:
Judge: I know you, don't I?
Defendant: Uh, yes.
Judge: All right, tell me, how do I know you?
Defendant: Judge, do I have to tell you?
Judge: Of course, you might be obstructing justice
not to tell me.
Defendant: Okay. I was your bookie.
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From a defendant representing himself . . .
Defendant: Did you get a good look at me when I
allegedly stole your purse?
Victim: Yes, I saw you clearly. You are the one
who stole my purse.
Defendant: I should have shot you while I had the
chance.
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Judge: The charge here is theft of frozen
chickens. Are you the defendant?
Defendant: No, sir, I'm the guy who stole the chickens.
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Lawyer: How do you feel about defense attorneys?
Juror: I think they should all be drowned at birth.
Lawyer: Well, then, you are obviously biased for the
prosecution.
Juror: That's not true. I think prosecutors should
be drowned at birth, too.
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Lawyer questioning his client on the witness stand:
Plaintiff's Lawyer: What doctor treated you for the injuries
you sustained while at work?
Plaintiff: Dr. J.
Plaintiff's Lawyer: And what kind of physician is Dr. J?
Plaintiff: Well, I'm not sure, but I remember that
you said he was a good plaintiff's doctor.
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Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a
juror in this case?
Juror: I don't want to be away from my job that long.
Judge: Can't they do without you at work?
Juror: Yes, but I don't want them to know it.
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Lawyer: Tell us about the fight.
Witness: I didn't see no fight.
Lawyer: Well, tell us what you did see.
Witness: I went to a dance at the Turner house, and as the
men swung around and changed partners, they
would slap each other, and one fellow hit harder than the other one
liked, and so the other one hit back and
somebody pulled a knife and a rifle that had been hidden under a
bed, and the air was filled with yelling and smoke
and bullets.
Lawyer: You, too were shot in the fracas?
Witness: No sir, I was shot midway between the fracas and
the navel. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Defendant: Judge, I want you to appoint me another lawyer.
Judge: And why is that?
Defendant: Because the Public Defender isn't interested in
my case.
Judge (to Public Defender): Do you have a comment on the
defendant's motion?
Public Defender: I'm sorry, Your Honor. I wasn't listening.
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Judge: Please identify yourself for the record.
Defendant: Colonel Ebenezer Jackson.
Judge: What does the 'Colonel' stand for?
Defendant: Well, it's kinda like the 'Honorable' in front
of your name - not a damn thing.
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Judge: You are charged with habitual drunkenness. Have you
anything to say in your defense?
Defendant: Habitual thirstiness?
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Defendant (after being sentenced to 90 days in jail): Can I
address the court?
Judge: Of course.
Defendant: If I called you a son of a bitch, what would
you do?
Judge: I'd hold you in contempt and assess an
additional five days in jail.
Defendant: What if I thought you were a son of a bitch?
Judge: I can't do anything about that. There's no
law against thinking.
Defendant: In that case, I think you're a son of a bitch.
