Sometimes, I feel that I am not allowed to be myself. When I am unhappy, whether reasonably or other else, he just wouldn't accept it. I felt like I am demanded to be happy. He feels agitated but then...if I am down, don't I have the right to be down? Others don't necessarily feel the way you want them to feel. Perhaps, I am just spoiled. When I feel unhappy, I just feel it. There is nothing wrong with that is there? Or am I feeling down too much? Is there such a thing as 'too much', if I did feel feel that? After an argument, it is just natural that I would be unhappy, is that wrong too? Why did he have to ask "Can't you just be happy?"? I mean...of course, I couldn't, how could i feel happy? Or did he just want me to 'feel' (pretend) that I am happy when I am not...how could i feel happy...how could i be demanded to feel something that I am not. It's not just a want that he expressed, it's a demand, i felt, as if non-compliance is unreasonable. As if i don't have a right to feel unhappy. =(
I have been rather busy with uni work lately, with an exam on Thurs and three assessments next week. It's been quite stressing for me. Last night, there was a small dinner with a few guests over. I had been keeping track of time. How could i not? Today is ANZAC day, a public holiday. Five years ago, we had a bbq on ANZAC day. Back then, a particular family friend still had their family intact. By that, I mean her divorce with her husband and his affairs had not even happened. Back then, their oldest son was in high school. He is now in his final year of an areospace engineering degree. Five years don't sound that long but a lot could change. How much have we all changed?
The idea of change has been over-pondered and written upon, with many self-help books dedicated to it, such that it is simply..over explored..(what's that word..that means it's been used too often that it doesn't sound original and remarkable anymore) But it touches our life so profoundly. It really does. One gets a mix feelings of everything when the process of reflection takes place. I would start to wonder, what if this didn't happen...then what. The butterfly effect.