To me it's often hard to tell why i am doing somthing. I try to be logical with myself. I try to reason with myself. I dunno why. I just can't the reason.
So am i supposed to take it as it is in life? unquestionably? when I can't work out why. I feel a bit weird after Uni has started. I guess many others did feel up and downs too...during the transition period..but then i dunno why. iseem really confused..like ive lost the main principle in life (Did i have one to start with?). I dunno what im doing at times. In the past few two months, i ve already reasoned it out and determined (or trying to be) to concentrate on what i am doing -com/law and stop considering other degrees. I am still open to them..but then i needed to reassure myself that if i have a second chance to choose any thing again(except med) , what would i choose...I would come back to com/law. So it is, I settled the problem, or seemingly.
But at times, i often .what''s the expression again? 'jump out of the pan into the fire? Like after long exhausting conflicting choice..and decisions..I would get myself into another one..what for? the fun? the freshness? the new experience? i felt the utter internal conflict..it might get worse. I got many serious and light warnings..dammit..ultimately it's my choice, my decisions..but yet they could be condemned by otheres, even the closest peopel to me--my family. I feel helpless and hopeless at times. I feel helpless...coz when i tried to seek help..from maybe the wrong person coz..she said "well that's your own problem"..damn...such as slap across my face..or so i felt. (No not gonna tellu who she is..but no way she's reading it). Every time i hears that, it reminded me of my long ago hk primary school friend's remark : you should solve your own problems and not expect others to lend their ears to you. Ok..ok..such harsh reality.
I feel hopeless because of i dunno what to do. no this isnt' an imminent life threatening. It;'s way..smaller than that. But it's scary in that it could be a timeticking bomb ....which might detonate at anytime...Geeze i dun like that comparison. WEll. point is. I dunno what i am doing. Ok..let's analyse myself......i tried but always in vain. No result dammit.
Turning to the social aspects now. I really find it hard to write about because my friends could be reading it. At times, it's just the helpless feelings again. You know that "no one seems to understand". I guess it doesn't happen to everyone. Maybe..i am just too dependent in regard to this aspect.
There is alot that goes on ..which i dunno. Well..weird but sometimes..it's not a good feeling to feel that me and my friends are in different worlds. It's a distinctive feeling you get...about certain friends. Not all. But some. Only to those who you feel you are supposedly close to. Oh well. It's ok. I feel like im learning. im still experiencing new things..Try to put it into words so i can empty my mind. This mindless rant is not worth reading...but for those (ie no one) who are here..congrats..u really are getting a view of what im thinking. (no really..u are better off doing something else).
Conflict. My friends. Sometimes i dun need to talk to them about a problem. I have a bad habit of being able to work out the expected answer before i even have actually asked. (do i really know my friends well?...) Maybei t's coz we ve talked about a similar issue before.
I am learning to accept that there are many different people with infinite types of characters...I can't be judgemental at times..i mean..actually i am. I really am. THat's a problem with me. When i can't stand someone, i just dun like that person, regardless of how important it is not to show it. I just do. But time heals such. I admit that I was childish and immature at times. I really was. eg in the way i prejudiced against certain types of people or certain individuals. I am not kind, naive or...i feel like im complicating things again.
I think too much, that's the problem. There are a few things my friends had said which i ll remember for the rest of my life.
One is what Francesa said: something about..life was originally simple..but as we experience live, we complicate it. And our ultimate task is to reduce it to simplicity.
I guess...to appreciate simplicity is what i have tried to do .Yet ..at times,working through the problem inevitably entails complication.
Second one is: "Never give up no matter how hopeless". Whether that was the exact wordings, i dont' know (coz i no longer have the copy) but i know it by heart.
Those two remarks made meaningful impressions in mylife.
Optimism is what i need at times. Hope is the source of it. Oh well, having blab on about nothing, I wanna say that..im trying to make the most out of life. I am aware of my character flaws..which sometimes unavoidably impact on my self-esteem. I guess...no one is perfect. We all gotta make compromises..and i guess. compromise is the way to go. But then..
Still the problem is still here..or do i ignore it..and hope for the best of it? ...well as long as it..might work out...i shall..delay ..delay....sigh. it's ok. :)