9 Hilarious Sex Jokes
#9
A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the
clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he
accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he
does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are
both startled and he says, "Ma'am, if your heart is
as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow,
I'm in room 1221!"
*******************************************************
#8
A young man walks up and sits down at the bar. What can
I get you?" the bartender inquires. "I want 6 shots
of Jagermeister," responded the young man.
"6 shots?!?
Are you celebrating something?"Asked the bartender.
"Yeah, my first blowjob."
"Well, in that case, let me give you a
7th on the house."
"No offense, sir. But if 6 shots
won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."
*******************************************************
#7
A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to
be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman.
They exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading
manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it
and she replies,
"This is a very interesting book
about sexual statistics. It identifies that
American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men
have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my
name is Jill. What's yours?"
He coolly replies, "Tonto
Kowalski, nice to meet you."
*******************************************************
#6
One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the
husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts
rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says: "I'm sorry
honey, I've got a gynaecologist appointment tomorrow
and I want to stay fresh."
The husband, rejected,
turns over and tries to sleep.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time
he whispers in her ear:
"Do you have a dentist
appointment tomorrow too?"
*******************************************************
#5
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been
employed there for a number of years when he came home one
day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible
compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into
the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should
see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated
that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome
the compulsion on his own.
One day, a few weeks later,
Bill came home. His wife could see at once that
something was seriously wrong.
"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle
slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't." "Yes, I did." "My
God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No,
Bill.
"I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh...she got fired too."
*******************************************************
#4
A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she
has been in a coma for several years. On this visit he
decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking
to her. On doing this she lets out a sigh. The man
runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a good
sign and suggests he should try rubbing her right
breast to see if there is any reaction.
The man goes
in and rubs her right breast and this brings a
moan.
From this, the doctor suggests that the man should
go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait outside as
it is a personal act and he doesn't want the man to be
embarrassed. The man goes in then comes out about
five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the
doctor his wife is dead.
The doctor asks what happened to
which the man replies:
"She choked!!!!"
*******************************************************
#3
A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his
side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns
to the astonished patrons.
"I'll make you all a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one
minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink. How 'bout it?"
The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar,
dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in
the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth
as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed
beer bottle and hit the alligator hard on the
top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the
man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.
The
crowd cheered as the first of his free drinks were
delivered. The man stood up again and made another
offer:
"I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give
it a try."
A hush fell over the crowd. After a while,
a hand went up in the back of the bar. A woman
timidly spoke up. "I'll try it, but don't hit me on the
head with the beer bottle!!!"
*******************************************************
#2
A small white guy goes into an elevator, when he gets
in there a huge black dude is standing next to him.
The big black dude looks down upon the small white guy
and says:
"7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3
pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown!"
The small white guy faints!! The big black dude picks up the
small white guy and brings him to, slapping his face
and shaking him and asks the small white guy.
"What's wrong?" The small white guy says; "Excuse
me but what did you say?" The big black dude looks
down and says,
"7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3
pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my name is
Turner Brown!"
The small white guy says, "Oh thank god, I
thought you said, "Turn around!"
*******************************************************
#1
There was this couple who had been married for 50
years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one
morning when the old gentleman said to his wife,
"Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years."
"Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this very breakfast table together!"
"I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."
"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say then...should we get
naked?"
Where upon the two stripped to the buff and
sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little
old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as
hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."
"I
wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in
your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!!!"
PREVIOUS | List Home | NEXT
|
