Dr. Dumb vs. Evil Dr. Dumb
And so, our hero Dr. Dumb, (who shall henceforth be referred to as DD) saved
the world once again. The End. Wait, what�s that? What�s that you say? You just got
here? Well, I don�t want to tell the whole entire story all over again, it�s quite long, an
epic poem even. No, come on man, not the puppy dog eyes, noooooooooooooo!!!! Ok,
ok I give in. I�ll tell it over again, just for you, since you asked so nicely.
Ok. One day, DD was minding his own business, just hanging out. He was
taking a well deserved rest after going on a nation wide tour giving motivational
speeches. As he was drinking some orange soda and watching some TV, the phone rang.
DD picked it up, �Hello?� �DD? It�s the President.� a voice on the phone said. �The
President of The United States? Calling me? Wow sir, it�s quite an honor, what with you
being the leader of the free world and all.� �Not the President of the US, the President of
your Fan Club you idiot!� the voice yelled. �Oh, right. Sorry.� DD said. �So what�s up?
More people wanting to join my secret club?� �No, something of far more dire
circumstances I�m afraid. Evil Dr. Dumb, (who shall be called EDD from now on) is
trying to take over the world.� �Again? Are you serious?� DD asked. �Oh bloody heck,
I suppose I�m gonna have to stop him now. This is going to ruin my vacation plans.
Now bugger off!� And with those parting words, DD slammed down the phone,
extremely pissed off. DD made the proper preparations, got his stuff together, locked his
apartment, and went off to save the world.
And so, DD set out to stop EDD yet again. �I wonder what he�s up to this time,�
DD thought. �I hope it�s better than his last plan. Imagine, trying to take over the world
by enlisting the aid of two lab mice. What a joke! Maybe he�s going to make a giant
magnet so everyone is pulled to the ground by the iron in their blood. hey, that�s not a
bad idea! Maybe I should turn evil. But then who would save the world? Superman?
Yeah right, not that loser. Oh well, enough mad ramblings, it looks like I�m here.�
And here he was. DD had arrived at EDD�s secret base. How did he know you
ask? Well, there was a big sign saying, �EDD�s Secret Base. Ssh! Don�t tell DD.�
�What an idiot,� DD said. �I guess he�ll never learn.� Then, DD began gearing himself
up for the upcoming battle. Equipping himself with his super spy techno-gadgets, he was
armed to the teeth. He stealthily entered the lair of the beast, wait a sec, wrong story.
DD entered the base of EDD. Wary of the usual traps, you know, laser beams, vicious
attack gerbils, stuff like that, he snuck around, trying to find EDD�s secret war room/cozy
little nook. Suddenly, the gerbils came after him. But they weren�t ordinary gerbils, oh
no, that would be too easy. These gerbils had little laser helmets on their heads! (Where
else would helmets go?) DD pulled off his trusty utility sock and rooted around in it for a
second. A look of satisfaction appeared on his face as he pulled out....... a sock monkey!
But this was a special sock monkey, oh yes. It had a bomb inside! Well, not really, but
wouldn�t that have been cool? Pull the tail and count to three, right? Anyway, such is
not the case. This monkey was special because it was made of gerbil poison, cleverly
disguised as gerbil food. Gadzooks! Poor gerbils, but they were gonna kill DD anyway,
so they deserve it. DD threw the monkey of sockness at the gerbils, and the dirty little
rodents that they are started tearing it to shreds. Well, obviously they died. Gerbil
poison will do that to gerbils, even if it is cleverly disguised as gerbil food. Hooray for
DD! one trap down.
This whole experience had visibly shaken DD. He had never seen such hideous
beasts as those gerbils. Sure, the occasional rabid mongoose, perhaps even a
flea-infested gopher, but little gerbils with laser helmets?!? Unbe-freakin-lievable!
Regaining his composure, DD continued his search for EDD�s little area, when Lo and
behold! another stumbling block in his path. This time, it was robotic flying goats. Now,
thoroughly freaked out, DD reached once again for his utility sock. And he pulled out.....
his tin can grenade launcher! Da Da Daaaaaaaa! With unrelenting fury, he shot tin can
grenade after tin can grenade at the goats. And the goats, while robotic, still had their
goatly natures about them, and proceeded to eat the cans. Coupled with the time delay
on the tin can grenades, the goats exploded quite nicely after they swallowed the cans.
So, after a few minutes of this chaoticness, and almost as DD ran out of tin can grenades,
the goats were defeated. Well, 2 traps down, who knows how many more to go.
Then, DD saw a map, like those directories in the mall. There was a big X that
said, �You aren�t here.� Then there was a little tiny o that said, �You might be here, but
I�m not telling.� Finally, he saw a little picture of EDD that said, �EDD�s secret
room/spot.� �Alright!� DD exclaimed. �There it is.� Then he saw the rooms he had to
pass through to get there. �Gor blimey, this is gonna suck.� There was the Horribly
Horrible House of Horrors, the Demented Ducks of Denver�s Den, the Schizophrenic
Skunks Skate Spot, and the worst of all, the Venomous Death Bunnies of Brazil�s
Basement. Shocked, appalled, and yet curiously interested, DD decided it would be
better to avoid those places, and use The Shortcut to get to EDD�s little spot, which was
so conveniently pointed out on the map. Slinking along, hiding in the shadows, like any
well trained ninja/spy, DD slowly made his way there.
About halfway there, he was struck upon by the Psycho Parrots of Peru. Not
knowing how to deal with parrots, and semi frightened of them due to a traumatic
childhood experience, DD almost panicked. He had accidentally blown up his utility
sock with a tin can grenade. Fortunately, he still had his hat. Using it like a Frisbee, he
threw it at the parrots. It didn�t hit any of them, but it did distract them by throwing them
into a hysterical confusion. Since they were already psycho, they started attacking each
other. Laughing merrily at his good fortune, DD retrieved his hat and continued on his
way. �Criminy!� DD thought. �That was pretty close.� Not knowing how to stop EDD
without his trusty utility sock, DD set his mind to trying to figure out a solution.
Preoccupied as he was with this, he didn�t see the creatures sneaking up on him.
They jumped him, smacked him upside the head, and he blacked out. When he came to,
he was in a freaky laboratory setting, tied up and hanging over a pool of stuff. It was
filled with water, but there were Rabbit Fish in it. Well actually, they were just fish with
bunny ears tied to their heads, but hey, they looked pretty real. The rope slowly lowered
him into the pool. The Rabbit Fish jumped out of the water, nipping at his feet.
Suddenly, DD had an idea. Dislocating his shoulder, like the great Harry Houdini, he
squirmed out of the ropes. He fell to the water, but caught a hold of the diving board. It
was a pool after all. Freed of this latest trap, DD figured he should find another map.
Upon finding one, he exclaimed, �Zounds! What luck!� For he was in the room next to
EDD�s private study. But then he remembered he didn�t have anything to help him stop
EDD. He doubted that the hat trick would work. He only had his uncanny intellect. He
thought frantically, but just couldn�t come up with a plan. �AHH! Too much pressure!�
he cried. �Well, I can�t just stop here. I have to at least try. Ah well, no worries right?�
Suddenly, a glimmer of an idea hit him. He could bluff his way through the
whole exchange. he might not have his super spy utility sock anymore, but he did have a
regular sock, and he could probably pretend that it was really a utility sock, EDD might
just believe him. And if all else fails, he could use it as a sock puppet, and try to talk
EDD, maybe convince him not to take over the world. hey, maybe he would do that. It�s
a pretty darn good idea. I mean honestly, everyone loves sock puppets, even super
villains and evil geniuses, or any combination of the two. So, armed with a sock puppet,
tentatively named Socky, our intrepid hero entered the lair of EDD.
What he saw there shocked and appalled him. EDD had the same interior
decoration tastes as DD! What an outrage! �I don�t believe this!� DD yelled. �What a
bloody poser!� At that moment, EDD entered the room. �Ah, so you like my style?� he
asked, knowing it would royally piss off DD. EDD had purposely ripped off DD�s
design. �You, you, you, INSERT APPROPRIATE EXPLICIT LANGUAGE HERE!�
DD screamed in loathsome anger. �How dare you copy my incredibly stylish style of
living!� Completely forgetting about his plan to talk to him with his tentatively named
sock puppet Socky, DD hurled himself at EDD, and caught him off guard. But only
because EDD had seen the sock puppet and expected the old, try to talk the villain out of
taking over the world with a sock puppet tentatively named Socky because you had
accidentally blown up your only utility sock with a tin can grenade while fighting robotic
flying goats and had already used the hat Frisbee trick on the Psycho Parrots of Peru
routine. You�d be surprised at how many people try that. Anyway, DD socked EDD
right on the nose, literally. He used the hand that he had the sock puppet on.
Unbeknownst to DD, or maybe he had just forgotten, the sock he used for the sock
puppet tentatively named Socky was no ordinary sock. It was..... da da da da da da
daaaaaaaaaa, a steel knit sock of strength! DD broke EDD�s nose, and smooshed most of
his face in. As this happened, the head exploded, because it wasn�t really EDD, but a
cleverly made robotic double.
Now really mad because he had been tricked yet again, DD snapped. �Oh to
bloody heck with it. It�s no use. I just keep trying and trying, but it never ends. You are
always one step ahead of me. Well no more EDD. Never again!� And with those
parting words, DD began to choke himself with the sock puppet. Coming out of a secret
panel in the wall, EDD said, �No, don�t do it DD! You have so much to live for!� This
was a bunch of balogna because EDD realized that without his good counterpart, he
would accomplish his goal of world domination/supremacy/overthrow. This just
wouldn�t do, because he wasn�t fully prepared yet. He had to have DD around to foil his
plans a few more times. But then, after all was in readiness, he would get his sweet
revenge, oh yes he would. Anyway, DD managed to get control of the sock puppet, and
rip it away from his throat. Then he broke down and wept bitterly as he realized how
close to death he had been. And that just wouldn�t have done because then EDD would
have taken over the world, and that wouldn�t have worked out, because DD wasn�t ready
to lead the inevitable rebellion that would arise under EDD�s tyrannical iron fist. He
needed more field experience, and would have to foil EDD�s evil schemes a few more
times.
Coming back to reality like getting slammed with a ton of fish, DD realized that
EDD was in the room, and this was the real McCoy, not another cheesy robo double.
Composing himself, DD tried using the sock puppet method. �Hi I�m Socky!� he said in
a cute, cuddly voice while moving the sock puppet�s mouth. :I hear you�ve been a
baaaaaad little boy.� Instantly hypnotized by the sock puppet, EDD reverted to the
mental state of a 4 year old kid. �Hi Socky!� he called, waving, and then promptly began
sucking his thumb. DD, er Socky, gave him a long lecture about how world domination
is wrong, and made EDD promise never to do it again.
And that was how DD saved the world yet again. Which is pretty much where
you came in. Of course, as soon as DD and Socky left, EDD went back to being his evil
self, and forgot everything taught to him by the wise sage Socky. Of course, he also
forgot the plan he had for world domination. But even now, he is plotting another plan,
trying to formulate a feasible course of action that would allow him to achieve his goal of
world conquest. So until the next time DD�s phone rings and it�s the President (of DD�s
Fan Club, naturally) calling to tell him of EDD�s newest plan, see ya! Hey, wait a sec.
Why does the President always know about EDD�s evil schemes? Gasp! (of horror) He
must be in on it. They�re in cahoots! Maybe they are even the same person. Who
knows? Well, think on that for awhile, as you eagerly await the next installment of Dr.
Dumb. Later.