| Network Interview |
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| In the Beginning� The Network�s story starts out at the college campus of M.I.T. An undergraduate named Fink supposedly sold a �Top Secret� nuclear invention just before dropping out of college. Receiving a lump sum of cash for his creation, Fink had the finances to assemble his next project, the Network, a new-wave punk band with biting social satire that wears masks and dresses up in elaborate costumes. For this interview, a Network band member who calls himself �the Snoo� agreed to be interviewed only if through a third party so he could hide his face and voice from the media. This anti-social kind of behavior is abnormal for most bands. Usually, people with an instrument want to yap it up and promote themselves, even if only to discuss their latest bowel movement. Why does the Snoo keep such a low profile? He wants no part in personal discussion. �Quit asking me so many personal questions,� he says as if this interview were a segment of �Blind Date�s Hall of Shame.� Accordingly, the band�s publicist had very little to add about the Snoo�s personal life. The Snoo is supposedly from a poor town in Argentina. He made his living as a professional wrestler, even now refusing to wear anything but his wrestling uniform. It�s not hard to find out where all the Snoo�s animosity toward the media comes from. The Network are constantly badgered about their identities. It�s as if their personal lives are more important than the music. To the Network, it�s harassment. At least, that�s what they say in public. �What are you? A cop?� the Snoo asks when questioned about his preference for hidden identity. Maybe the Snoo�s question is a valid concern of his. After all, the Snoo has supposedly been arrested twice in the state of Texas. He�s no fan of the fuzz. When the Network released their debut album Money Money 2020 on Adeline Records, Internet punk chatrooms became a breeding ground for rumors that the Network is simply the three guys from Green Day and a couple of their friends acting out an elaborate hoax just for the hell of it. Some fans say there are two members of Devo in the Network. Others hypothesize there are two members of the Bay Area band the Influents in the Network. When listening to the vocals, one could argue that Billie Joe�s distinct nasal tone is all over the album. Even when looking at pictures of the Network with their masks on, there are times when they look eerily similar to Green Day. Many of the songs, even with their Devo-esque new-wave layering, have the same classic Green Day stomp that�s been there since the early �90s. The Network will tell you many things about their band. One thing they will not address is their rumored-to-be real-life alter ego, Green Day. The Network even went so far as to stage a press conference where they supposedly attacked unsuspecting journalists over whether or not three members of the Network are actually Billie Joe Armstrong, Tre Cool and Mike Dirnt. Journalists ask the Snoo constantly if he has any Green Day affiliation, but he sticks to his story. �Man� I grow tired of this question,� he says of being asked about Green Day. �But, here goes� We are the Network. I am the Snoo. My guitar player is Fink. My four-string guitar player is Van Gough and Z and Captain Underpants play the synthesizers. We also have a new guy, apparently. His name is Balducci.� As far as their music is concerned, the Network readily admit to borrowing from some of their favorite artists. This is where the Network�s story takes an even stranger turn. Rather than talking about growing up as disenfranchised youth and turning to music as an escape, the Network say even though they love new-wave, they are influenced more by the Church of Lushotology than anything else. According to the Network�s website, Lushotology is defined as �Less guilt, more booze.� All members of the Network are high-ranking followers of the Church of Lushotology. They even go so far to say the church is responsible for their success. The goal of Lushotology is to achieve total clearness, hence the �Less guilt, more booze� philosophy. The website continues to claim the church was established in 1981 by a foreign romance novel writer who happened to introduce Liza Minnelli to the Pet Shop Boys. More importantly, the site claims the man also invented the Long Island Iced Tea. It was after getting hammered on this new cocktail that he created Lushotology and wrote a book about it, Intoxication is Intoxicating, the church�s bible. In the book, it states that you can drink and still be successful at the same time. Some famous members supposedly are Jane Wiedlin of the Go-Go's, Fat Mike from NoFx and Tre Cool from Green Day. When the Snoo says his love of Liza Minnelli and the Osmond�s influence him, he claims it�s because of Lushotology. �Liza Minnelli is a high-ranking saint in the Church Of Lushotology,� he says. �And Osmond lyrics grace its scripture, of course.� Now it all makes sense. The Snoo says membership to the church starts at $10, but people can donate more if they so choose, just like him. �I myself give half of my money to the Church of Lushotology instead of paying taxes,� he says. �I figure I am a man with no country. No face. All I have in this world is my balls and my word, and I don�t break them for nobody.� Aside from the band�s loyalty to the Church of Lushotology, another thing that makes the Network unique is the band members themselves. They claim to be an international band with some strange prior occupations. All information about the backgrounds of these characters was provided by Adeline Records. There is scant information on public file. Supposedly before joining the Network, Belgian-born Van Gough grew tired of his life in Fresno. After eight years working at a slaughterhouse, he became a macrobiotic vegan and moved to Tibet in hopes of climbing Mount Everest. Unfortunately for Van Gough, his numerous attempts were all failures. He lost his nose to frostbite and moved to Oakland to raise animals as laboratory experiments. Another non-American member of the Network is Z. He was an Icelandic sculptor with a tendency to hitchhike. He joined the Network as the keyboard player even though he only uses one finger. Little is known about the Network�s Captain Underpants. He won two Olympic gold medals for Sweden, but he won�t disclose which event(s). He does know seven different languages, all spoken with a slight stutter. The Network�s latest addition is Balducci. According to Snoo, he is Italian born, raised in Newfoundland by his fisherman father and acrobat mother who traveled extensively with the Royal Mounted Canadian Circus. Balducci desperately wanted off the island and was concerned over the complete lack of fish in the area, so he joined Greenpeace at the age of 21. He was later kicked out of Greenpeace for not being able to break his old fisherman habit of carelessly throwing his cigarette butts into the sea. Over the past five years he�s become a rogue musician, and like Z is a hitchhiking aficionado. As luck would have it, all members of the Network wound up in the East Bay. With all the practice places being bought-up and rent soaring to levels that many local bands can�t afford, one has to wonder why on Earth would the Network choose Oakland as their headquarters. The Snoo says it�s a simple matter of preference. �Oakland has a remarkably high toxicity rating,� he says referring to the Lushotology term for alcohol consumption, �and a refreshingly low Nazi count. Therefore, we could think of no better place than Oakland. Plus, Van Gough does have a cool indoor lab animal farm in West Oakland.� Meeting up in Oakland wasn�t a problem according to the Snoo. The band had already hooked up across the globe beforehand. They planned on coming to the Bay Area after attending a Lushotology service. �We first met in Rangoon on a Lushotology Officer�s getaway,� says the Snoo. �While Z, Fink and I were with the church, Captain Underpants was Z�s �life partner.� And Van Gough was the subject of a missionary outreach program.� Conspiracy theorists argue that since Adeline Records operates out of the East Bay, and since Billie Joe from Green Day owns the label, Network�s guitarist/vocalist Fink must be Billie Joe. Fink is the financier of the Network, and the Snoo talks about him as the chief in command, but nowhere does he hint at anything more. �Not only is Fink the financier,� the Snoo says, �Fink is also a very smart and interesting guy for a nuclear physicist. He can sing with no German accent, but nobody decided anything. This band is part of the grand plan of the universe and it was written before man could write that the Network would reign supreme in the galaxy.� The Snoo says the Network didn�t plan on working with Adeline and had another offer, but had to sign with Adeline for economical reasons. �Actually, we were hoping for a much better label,� he says. �I suppose we took Adeline over the other one that wanted us because they let us put out the DVD with the album for free.� The Network�s DVD is a bonus disc included with the album Money Money 2020. The DVD features a bunch of music videos in high contrast color saturation loaded with enough quick glances at topless women�s breasts to earn the DVD a warning sticker. The band appears in the videos as well, but everyone wears a mask, of course. Along with getting their DVD included in the packaging, the Network did have some goals for their debut. �We really wanted to put bands like Kraftwerk and Hanson to shame while at the same time serving the greater purpose of Lushotology,� says the Snoo. �We pretty much stayed lit up like your Fourth of July the whole time.� Pressing for more details of the recording experience resulted in cryptic rhetoric. Asking what were some of the difficulties the band experienced in the studio, the Snoo�s reply only makes sense to him and his associates. �I should name names,� he says, hinting that something happened. Then the Snoo clams up leaving the rest to the imagination. �You know who you are. You have to live with your guilt.� The Network are committed to their masks so much that the Snoo claims no one in the band ever takes them off. Not for recording the album and certainly not for live shows. The Network did headline a show at the Key Club in Los Angeles where they played for celebrities and curious fans. They had their manager proselytize by handing out Lushotology flyers to anyone interested. �We always wear our masks, or bandages in Van Gough�s case,� the Snoo says. �It�s sweaty and hot under the laser light show extravaganza that we present in our live performances. In my country, when I wrestle we have to wear the mask always. When you go to store�the mask. In the shower�the mask. When you make love to a woman�the mask. Do you understand? I think you do.� As mysterious as these masked men are, that hasn�t stopped top-market radio stations from adding the Network to the rotation. Stations all over the West Coast are picking up songs like the bouncy �Supermodel Robots� and �Roshambo.� Even �Spike,� which pokes fun at gutterpunks trying to get score cash from their moms for a quick fix is landing on mainstream playlists. Not bad for a group of new-wave punk lunatics. The Bay Area�s own Live105 had a couple of the Network�s songs listed in their top 105.3 songs of 2003. How did that happen? �Personal threats, blackmail and extortion rackets helped a great deal,� the Snoo says. �Mostly program directors, record stores, rock stars with record labels, those sorts of things.� To continue adding fans to a growing fan base, the Network is interested in new ways of attracting fans and keeping them longer. It�s unorthodox, but the Snoo claims it�s practical. The Network looks forward to brain transplant surgery where old Network fans can donate their love of the band to fresh bodies. �But science shouldn�t stop there,� the Snoo says. �It is our responsibility to clone. We are in control of our own future only when we have control of who is actually breeding.� Dipping bodies in liquid nitrogen and storing them for later re-animation is one way to store current Network fans for future generations. The Snoo says this method of keeping fans isn�t the only reason to freeze a body. �I�m sure Walt Disney would shit in his pants if he heard the Network and hand us the keys to Disneyland,� he says. �They should unfreeze him, see if he�s okay, and then freeze anyone with an incurable illness immediately. It is irresponsible that we have not done this sooner.� The Network have plenty of hobbies to keep them busy in 2004. Along with the Snoo hoping to see George W. Bush kicked out of office, the rest of the band lists their favorite fetishes as women�s wrestling, diseases, and art. To the Network, these things go hand and hand, and the Snoo thinks anyone should be able to understand what the band means. �Without art, there would be no women�s wrestling,� he says. �Without wrestling, there would be no disease. And without the Church of Lushotology to organize your fetishes, how would you be able to accomplish anything on your �to-do� list?� One can only imagine. |