Etiquette has undeservedly gotten a bad reputation. Contrary to popular belief, good manners are not meant to cloak our true feelings or to snobbishly exclude the uninitiated. Etiquette is a way of being, an ethos. The rules of etiquette are meant to be rules for right living, a sort of public morality. Rules, like law, may appear arbitrary and are subject to change, while ethical behavior (the philosophy which supports systems of law and etiquette) does not. If one is to feel "at home" in every social setting, even among those who may not share the same beliefs, one needs more than rules; one needs an ethos. Like law, the rules of etiquette cannot anticipate every situation and they need to be constantly interpreted; for these reasons, etiquette finds its purest expression in being lived.

Some people mistakenly assume that the rules of etiquette command us to tolerate rude behavior in others. Social Grace insists that no one tolerate rudeness in himself or in others, because as Socrates says in the Crito, one must not even do wrong when one is wronged. For this reason, she does not advocate returning rudeness with rudeness, as this would be intolerable, never mind downright dangerous. Good manners do not demand obsequiousness (well, Social Grace occasionally does ask you to attempt a bland smile when you really don't feel like it). But nor does etiquette exist to support snobbery. Those who do know the asparagus rule must resist the temptation to run around picking asparagus up with their fingers and eating it just for the sake of confusing the masses. Etiquette does not exist for the sake of embarrassing people. Embarrassment is a feeling that should come from within, when one has violated one's own standards of etiquette (credit Judith Martin, aka "Miss Manners"). Like the responsibility of cultivating a good conscience, the development of a sense of propriety rests with the individual. No one is free of the demands posed by ethics or etiquette. One may choose to ignore the responsibilities attached to being a human, but such a person is not free, he is pitiable

Sooner or later, someone is bound to ask Social Grace why we must use the euphemisms of etiquette; why can't we all just be completely honest with each other? Do you want Social Grace to be completely honest and tell you what she thinks of that idea? Better yet, shall she tell you what she really thinks of you? Social Grace has a better idea. She will make a deal with you. Do not be tempted to do and say whatever you please and then hide behind the claim that being truthful is the highest compliment one can pay one's fellow man, and she won't do it either. Letting it all hang out is not attractive. If you think it is when you do it, ask one of your coworkers to give you his honest opinion. Now try to figure out if he's telling the truth.

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