hiroshimaYEAH!
ISSUE 6
AUGUST 2005
this issue written by rita mchirek (except the review by gary simmons)
contact [email protected] for a paper copy of this shit. thank you.
WOOD SHAVINGS
The smell of wood shavings
coming through the partition
takes me back to school.
Wet, dark afternoons in
the technical block.
Useless at woodwork,
even worse at metalwork.
My only saving grace,
a seemingly easy-going personality
which did not single me out
as a threat.
In those days, I�d often wonder
what my future would hold.
And now, here I am, years later,
staring at a computer screen
and a partitioned wall,
not speaking to anyone around me,
just the faceless voices
coming through my headset.
Not speaking naturally, but
reading from a prepared script,
trying to sell people things
they don�t want or need.
While my mind drifts back
to school
and those wet, dark, long
afternoons in the technical block.
JEALOUSY
A famous playwright
lives on my street.
Today I saw him while
walking to work,
his expensive brown leather
boots clip-clopping on
the hot July pavement.
He stopped to light
a cigarette.
This friend of Billy Connolly.
This famous playwright.
While I was walking to work.
Walking to another 8 hours
in a windowless room,
chained to a desk,
while the famous playwright
walked the easy streets,
stopped into a cool, dark place
for an early afternoon livener,
and then returned home
to his large flat by the river,
to write about the factories
and the shipyards and the suffering
of the poor.
In his expensive brown leather boots.
GIGS
WHITEHOUSE � ATP: EASY TO SWALLOW, SE ONE, LONDON, 2ND JUNE 2005 by Gary Simmons
I started drinking with M on the bus to London Bridge. We peed (inside!) and drank (outside) at the Tate Modern, then got some samosas and shit. Loads of v interesting pubs round that way� I didn�t know coz it ain�t �my� area. I was fuckin� drunk and we got in ONE of the Whitehouse queues� the idiot, Mafiosa-like THUG bouncers at this place were quite the THICKEST I have EVER fuckin� come across!! Mindless cunts with all black outfits and headphones and walky talkies� it was as if some military operation was taking place! The dopey fucks sent people to the wrong queues despite there being quite clear signs above the door saying �Advanced ticket holders� and �Paying guests�!! When I pointed this out to my oh-so-Cockney dumbfuck fellow London CUNT it was like �Dah, oh yeah.. heh heh. Give �im a badge�!! I just laughed with him coz I didn�t want any trouble, but M said I was non-stop loud and obnoxious in the queue and that I pissed off the people near us by going on and on!! She thought the bouncers would hear me slaggin� �em off! They were �OK� to me, though, the stupid, idiotic, retarded DOLTS!! Saw Simon in our one-hour-plus queue!! I was SO happy (er, and pissed!) that I gave him a kiss!! Poor unsuspecting bloke! Kate came too. This venue was BIG, all dark and trendy (with ASTRONOMICAL bar prices!) I didn�t buy� didn�t need to after my fine Sainssharies cider purr-chase!! ALL the music was total shite, all the bands were total shite, it all ran later and later and, when Whitehouse DID come on, at about 1am (!) they only did 10 minutes coz cans were flying and Bennett got one DIRECTLY on the side of his head (you�ll be dee-light-ted to know!!) as did Philip Best, in the body. Bennett has a word with the twat security at the side of the stage but, after all the black outfits, the high-tech headgear and wanky-talkies� they just packed up their gear and left!! It�s JUST like the old days (which I missed), when a show would only last a few minutes until the plugs were pulled by irrate venue promoters, only THEY did the plug pulling themselves this time!! Simon and I thought it was a legendary gig!! (That�s coz we are SICK!!) Mate Ian said 10 minutes of Whitehouse was better than 5 HOURS of all the other SHIT that night� although you are QUITE within your rights to diss-ag-ree, of course!! M�s �Gary Glitter Rules� back-of-her-jacket �design� went down well with Ian!! WHAT a guy and WHAT a girl!! We are invincible, a� la MANOWAR!! Hail brother Ian!! (AND his neo-Nazi chick-of-a-girlfriend!!) We �chilled� out with Simon and Kate, him searching for leftover booze and US searchin� for lost cash� I found a �1 coin, a 20p coin, a 5p coin and some coppers! Still in the bloody red though, but it�s been ABSOLUTELY worth it. Took Simon and Kate on a LONG night walk across Lun-dun to Victoria coach station, all pretty and touristy like! The sun was up as we said our bye-byes at 5am-ish!! Got 3 buses back to M�s at thee end of a well fab night. Crashed into bled after beans and kleb and fell fast ass-leep like good little bears! Thing is, that gig was FULL of drug-seekin� 20 year-old ravers. It weren�t a �noise� gig like I�m used to, despite the first two bands being �noise� (second one was dreadful and third was that �famous� (?) Mark Stewart BORE). I got asked for drugs by some idiot young Frecnch PRICK! Do I LOOK like a fuckin� DEALER?!?! No! No, I fuh-kin DON�T!! Also I was very rude to some tea-cosied twit who I saw in the queue who comes up to me (before Whitehouse) saying what a GREAT night this was (band-wise). I told him precisely where I stood on THAT!! KIDS!! HUH!! Dunno how Whitehouse got themselves on THIS particular bill, but it was a BIG mistake, THAT�S for sure!! No merchandise stalls either.. Well, �iffy�!
RICHMOND FONTAINE � THE VENUE, EDINBURGH, 13TH JULY 2005
Got up at 8am. Couldn�t be arsed having a shower, so I didn�t! Went out and called in sick to work (I used a phone box so they wouldn�t be able to find out my mobile number). Got an answer machine. Said I had a �stomach bug or something�. Got an egg mayo baguette and ate it back in the flat with a coffee. Maggie and Gary rang for 1 � hours, on their free phone line! Before I left, I bumped into John in the hall. He said he�d see me in the pub next Monday. I walked into town and got the 1.45 train from Queen Street. There were two cops on board and tonnes of muslims with fancy camcorders (so I wasn�t too worried about any of them being suicide bombers). When I got to Edinburgh, I went straight to Vinyl Villains but they didn�t have anything I fancied buying. I passed this poser who was sitting outside a pub and he had a T-shirt on that said �It Ain�t Gonna Suck Itself�. Ho ho. What a wag!) Went to the Standing Order pub and ordered a bottle of 6.5% Westons cider, which was only �2.10. I gave the barman a �20 note and 10p coin and he gave me �23 change! This slightly drunk woman and her mate sat next to me and she asked to see my Metro to read her stars. She asked me what age I thought she was. She looked about 40, so I thought I was being nice when I said �About 35?� Turns out she was only 30 so she got all offended! So, then she went to these three old guys at the next table and asked THEM to guess her age. One said 12 and another said 37!! She asked if I was from Glasgow and seemed to like the fact that I�d taken a sickie to go and see a band. She said she was meant to be handing out CVs to try and find a job but she got sidetracked and had gone boozing with her mate instead! After that, I went to Rose Street and had a pint of lager in Robertson�s. It was far too hot, despite their ceiling fan. After THAT, I went to the Bad Ass (which was expensive - �3.05 for a lager!) just because I liked the name. The place was full of fancy mirrors and American tourists. They had a nice Irish barmaid too. Samuel texted me a few times while I was there. Then I went to Oliver�s (which is one of the pubs I went with Andrew and Anne in 2003). They had some good music on. Then, to my shame, I went to McDonalds and had a Quorn burger, chips and Coke looking out onto Princes Street (I�d gone to Burger King first but they�ve stopped doing veggie burgers � the CUNTS!) While I was washing all the spicy sauce off my hands in the bog, Joe rang, slightly pissed. I took the conversation out onto the pavement then, while walking round the corner to the Guildford Arms, I saw Dan, Richmond Fontaine�s guitarist, walking towards me! Like, wow! Had a pint in the Guildford then another (a cider, this time) in the Black Bull. Then it was time to go down the street to the Venue. I bought a rather fetching brown and yellow Richmond Fontaine T-shirt when I went in (�10) and I watched the support band. Was WELL impressed. They had a pedal steel player! Who was really good! Good songs too! Near the end of their set, I bought one of the two CDs they had on sale (another �10) and a Magners cider. They (the support band) were called The Sundowns. Went down the front before RF came on stage and someone tapped me on the shoulder and said �Are you Mark?� It was this guy Alan, from Stirling, who I�ve traded bootlegs with in the past, so we chatted a while. He was recording the gig via the soundboard. Richmond Fontaine were as excellent as always. Actually, I think this was THE best I�ve seen them and, when they did �Saviour of Time� and �Lost Son� back-to-back, I was fucking ECSTATIC! They finished quite early � at about 10.40pm. I said bye to Alan before I left. Got the 11pm train and spent the journey chatting to Alan�s mate about music. He wants me to take my mono copy of �Sgt Pepper� round his flat so he can put it onto CD! We got a taxi back to the West End together. I got a roll on egg and potato scone from the Maggie van and got runny egg all down my jeans and shirt. Was in at 12.40am and went straight to bed, tired and happy, with ringing ears.
KID CARPET - KING TUT�S WAH WAH HUT, GLASGOW, 20TH JULY 2005
Ate some cold pizza (leftover from last night). Had a shower. Went out to Somerfield (where I got some pitta bread and reduced price houmous), the post office (where I, er, posted something) and the library (where I got a couple of photocopies done. I thought the photocopier was broken but it was only the lid that was broken. Dangerous!) Made a coffee and watched �The Wright Stuff�. Got a subway into town and got another FREE 20 journey pass (the last I�ll get courtesy of The Wise Group) then went to the Argyle Arcade and bought Shen�s birthday card. Bought a book of 12 2nd class stamps in a card shop and the guy only charged me �1.60. Result! Caught the subway to work. Got 8 sales in the 1st 2 hours then fuck all for the rest of the day. We had a LOT of time spent doing absolutely bugger all as they kept telling us to log out of campaigns while they fixed them or something. After work, Andrew drove a few of us into town (me, Samantha, Kirstin and Andy). He�s quite a scary driver, nearly going through a red light at one point. Had to go and find a cash machine and then my mum rang. She�d had Agnes over and they�d had a couple of glasses of wine. After we�d got our cash, we went to King Tut�s and watched Frightened Rabbit, who were a kind of wimpy pop 2-piece (obviously influenced by Bright Eyes.. the name alone made it obvious). The singer had a Rilo Kiley T-shirt on. They were OK, actually. Kid Carpet was REALLY good, though. A guy from Bristol who played toy instruments over drum-machines and samples. A bit like The Streets crossed with Abba and Pianosaurus. After the 1st couple of songs, he whipped off his trackie top to reveal a Twisted Sister T-shirt! He jumped around the stage and was very entertaining, even when trying to get his toys to work. There was a song about singing on, one about taking your coat out with you because you think it might rain but then ending up carrying it around all day in a plastic bag (!), a version of Van Halen�s �Jump� complete with Ivor Culter samples.. all very good and hilarious stuff. I had a few pints. Chatted to the girls downstairs after the gig while the 2 boys played pool. Andrew drove me back to Great Western Road, I got some chips from BBQ King and went to bed at about 1.
CDS
SON VOLT � OKEMAH AND THE MELODY OF RIOT (TRANSMIT SOUND)
Several daze into all all-too-rare UK heatwave, on an otherwise fruitless trip to Byres Road (the copy shop which is SUPPOSED to open at 10am NEVER opens earlier than about 11.. Grr!) and I picked up the brand new Son Volt CD (their first since 1998�s �Wide Swing Tremolo�). The cover artwork is as bright and sunny as the weather and the whole shebang kicks off with the Neil Young-esque �Bandages and Scars� (the chorus of which name checks Woody Guthrie. There�s another Guthrie reference in the CD�s title: Okemah is his birthplace), while the next track, �Afterglow 61�, alludes to Bob Dylan. Musically, it�s more or less business as usual (even though Son Volt leader Jay Farrar is the ONLY original member in the current line-up) � twangy guitars twang, pedal steels pedal and �Medication� even has a bit of slide dulcimer action going on. It�s all rather good and, although not as immediately life-altering as the first three classic LPs by The Volt (their debut LP �Trace�, especially, is a walkman favourite of mine to this day.. the PERFECT companion on a long, slow train journey), there are slow-burning classics here such as �Gramophone� which reveal themselves gradually, like a well-seasoned stripper. Farrar�s lyrics remain as brilliantly cryptic as ever, too, and there are still plenty of references to driving down highways to satisfy the fantasies of sad wannabe-American losers like myself.
THE SUNDOWNS � CALABASAS (CHARGER RECORDS)
And it seems like I�m not the ONLY sad wannabe-American loser around these parts, because this CD from Fife�s (that�s Fife, Scotland) The Sundowns is chock-a-block with references to getting �a phone call at the bar collect from NYC� and �that night beneath the Hollywood sign�. Don�t get me wrong, I REALLY like this CD (I wouldn�t have spent 10 quid on it when I saw them supporting Richmond Fontaine if I didn�t think they were a pretty fucking good band), but I�m always a bit suspicious of songwriters who litter their work with references so alien to their own experience and surroundings. I mean, I know for a fact that The Sundowns HAVE spent some time in the USA (I know this because my mate Kenny told me on the phone today. He knows The Sundowns� drummer, who looks like he should be in a Guns N Roses tribute band rather than an alt country pop/rock group) but THAT DOESN�T MAKE IT ALRIGHT! Anyway, I�m going to overlook that little quibble just for now, because this CD is truly a bit good. �SUV�, �Wendy� (a song about taking a friend�s kids to the zoo!), �Said to Me� and �Comes Around� particularly stand out, with their Teenage Fanclub style harmonies. There are also a couple of tracks featuring that pedal steel which impressed me so much when I saw this band live. Of these, �It�s You� is the best. It sounds like an outtake from Wilco�s classic debut album �AM�. Now THAT�S a compliment!
HUMAN BEINGS SMELL � ACTS OF RANDOM AMBIENCE (FROST OF SUBURBIA)
Featuring ex-members of the agit-prop collective Gay German Philosophers, HBS create a noise which could be described as �post-apocalyptic hardcore trance� or perhaps �fucking shit�, if one were being a bit less kind and a LOT more honest. With titles like �Government Lies Turn Workers Into Spies� and random meaningless slogans such as �Coke � you can�t feel the beating!� this is a hard CD to get into and an even HARDER one to get OUT of! File under : the old banana peels at the bottom of your bin.
BOB MOULD � BODY OF SONG (COOKING VINYL)
The cover doesn�t bode well, looking as it does like a Hi-NRG 12� or a packet of cheap washing powder, but this long-awaited follow-up to 2002�s disappointing �Modulate� is a return to form for His Mighty Bobness. This time around, he�s managed to meld his trademark flame-thrower guitar sound and his new-found love of electronica FAR more successfully than on his last release (although the vocoder fests of �(Shine Your) Light Love Hope� and �I Am Vision, I Am Sound� go a BIT too far for THESE delicate ears.) I�m pleased to be able to stand up on a table and loudly pronounce that �Circles�, �Paralyzed�, �Best Thing� and �Missing You� are all fine, fine examples of Bob�s angst-ridden, relationship-driven lyrics and incendiary guitar attack, while �Days of Rain�, �High Fidelity� and �Gauze of Friendship� are melancholic and beautiful. Bob may never again quite equal the brooding genius of past solo masterworks like �Workbook� and �Black Sheets of Rain� but this comes close enough for me.
The Silver Hammer
The psychiatrist suggested she give them a call after the cuts on her wrists had healed. So that�s why Kathleen Baker was standing outside a big hotel in the centre of town on a warm summer afternoon, waiting for two strangers to pick her up and take her to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting.
She wanted to vomit but hadn�t eaten anything for two days. Instead, she took a pack of cigarettes from her purse and nervously lit one, eyeing up every passer-by, wondering �Is he the one? Or maybe it�s him..�
�Hello Kathleen,� a voice out of nowhere said, causing her to spin around in surprise.
�I�m Harry,� a middle-aged man said, holding out his hand for Kathleen to shake.
�And I�m Carol�.
Carol was a youngish woman dressed like a primary school teacher on a class day-trip which bemused Kathleen somewhat. But she smiled and shook hands and let herself be led away into a car and driven to a part of town she�d never had gone even during one of her worst benders.
�How are you feeling?� Carol asked, while they were sitting at some traffic lights.
�Nervous,� Kathleen said, staring out of the window at some school-kids on their lunch break.
�That�s natural,� Harry said, �but you�ll love it. Everyone here�s just like you. You�re not alone anymore, Kathy.�
She hated people calling her Kathy but didn�t say anything. She just took another deep draw on her cigarette.
The grotty looking community centre was decked out with rows of folding chairs and tables containing free tea, coffee and cake. Kathleen thought it looked exactly like some summer fete, only there were posters on the walls bearing huge slogans like �ONE DAY AT A TIME�, �ONE DRINK IS TOO MANY � A THOUSAND ARE NOT ENOUGH� and �BOOZERS ARE LOSERS�. There was also a massive board which outlined �The Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous�, something which Kathleen had heard about but didn�t really understand. Everyone was smoking.
�Tea or coffee, sweetheart?� an old lady asked.
�Coffee, please.�
�First meeting?�
�Yes. Is it that obvious?�
�Oh, don�t worry, sweetheart. I was a nervous wreck at my first one too. But it changed my life. I used to drink two bottles of vodka a day. Nearly bled to death a couple of times. This place saved my life. Do you take sugar?�
After a few minutes of small talk with complete strangers who simply walked up to her and started revealing their most personal details, Kathleen sat down beside Harry and Carol and the meeting began.
A robust looking man in his mid-60s stood up at the top table and began by welcoming everybody to the meeting and then going into what seemed like his entire life story; about his childhood abuse, teenage delinquency, his 30 year-long battle with the drink and then how he eventually found AA and how it saved his life. This seemed to be a very common theme, Kathleen thought. Nearly everyone who�d spoken to her had mentioned how their lives had been saved or transformed by AA. Kathleen didn�t really know if she WANTED her life to be transformed all that much, and she certainly didn�t think it needed saving. She just wanted to live a bit more of a normal life and maybe try to be happy.
After a couple of people at the top table had told the entire room all about how screwed-up their lives used to be, everyone else at the meeting had a chance to say something.
�What do I say?� Kathleen whispered to Harry.
�You don�t have to say anything if you don�t want to.�
But, when it came her turn to speak, Kathleen said �My name�s Kathleen and I�m an alcoholic. It�s nice to be here and sober today.�
She�d heard other people in the room use that line and thought it was appropriate.
At the end of the meeting, everyone stood up and chanted the Serenity Prayer, which was written up on a huge board at the front of the room.
After the meeting was over and everyone was queuing up for more tea and coffee, Harry and Carol both hugged Kathleen tightly.
�That was brilliant,� Carol said.
�Yeah, well done,� chipped in Harry. �It took me bloody YEARS to admit I was an alky. My first few meetings, I was shaking so much, I couldn�t even SPEAK! You�ll be OK, kid.�
Kathleen noticed a warm feeling inside her and wondered what it was. After she had ruled out indigestion, she realised that it was contentment; something she hadn�t felt in a very long time.
She carried that feeling with her for the rest of the day. After Harry had driven her home (she was going to get the bus but he�d insisted, and wouldn�t take any money), she immediately put the kettle on and shouted up the stairs to see if Nick was in.
�Just coming,� he yelled from the bathroom, as Kathleen heard the toilet flush.
�So, how did it go?� Nick asked, grabbing his wife from behind the holding her close.
�It was OK. Everyone was really nice. It wasn�t just loads of old men, either. There were a lot of women there and a lot of people looked quite young as well.�
�Do you have to go back?�
�Well, that�s one of the things they said. �Keep coming back. It works�. Everybody kept saying that. Carol � she was this girl I met � she gave me this little book that tells you where all the meetings are and it�s got people�s phone numbers in it and everything. She�s going to ring me tomorrow so we can go to this big meeting in the church hall down the road.�
�Well, you seem a lot happier than you did earlier on, anyway,� Nick said.
�I am. Do you fancy a coffee?�
�No, thanks. I said I�d meet the boys down the pub about half an hour ago. I was waiting for you to get back, but if you�re alright, I�ll shoot off down there now.�
Kathleen�s heart sank, but she smiled at her husband and told him that she would see him later. But, as soon as he was out the door, she found herself on the phone to Carol.
�I hope you don�t mind me calling,� Kathleen said.
�Of course not. I�m just in the door myself but it�s OK. What�s the matter?�
�Oh, nothing really. It�s just that Nick � that�s my husband � well, he�s just gone to the pub, that�s all. I had hoped he�d stay in tonight and talk to me about what had happened at the meeting today.�
�Kathy, we can�t expect our families to change just because we have. That�s one of the things that can drag you back down. All you can do is hope he�ll come around but you can�t force him. You�re not thinking about following him to the pub, are you? Because that�s a dangerous place for you right now.�
�Oh, no, nothing like that.�
�Because, if you are, I�ll come round and sit with you. I don�t mind.�
�No, no, I�m all right. Really. Look, I�ll see you tomorrow. We can meet up for a coffee before the meeting if you want.�
�That�d be nice. I�ll ring you at about five.�
The next evening, after Kathleen had returned from her meeting, Nick was lying on the sofa watching TV.
�Hello,� she said.
Nick grunted some sort of reply without looking up from the screen.
�Tonight was brilliant,� Kathleen said, sitting down in the armchair. �This guy at the top table was talking about how you have to live in the day and not look back and dwell on things you can�t change. And Carol was telling me about guarding my sobriety and how I�m at a dangerous stage, because I�m physically and mentally feeling better and that�s when it can be tempting to slip back into your old ways.�
�Really?�
�Yeah, and this other guy was talking about when he was drinking and he said that it wasn�t even living, it was semi-suicide, and I thought that pretty much applied to me as well. And Carol said she�d be my sponsor. That�s someone who looks after you and guides you through the Twelve Steps to Recovery. She�s really nice. She�s younger than me but she�s really clued-up. She�s been in AA for about two years and goes to NA as well.�
�What�s that?�
�Narcotics Anonymous. She used to do a lot of drugs when she was at college.�
�Didn�t we fucking all!�
�She was also telling me about Al-Anon. That�s where families can go and talk about stuff.�
�What do you mean, families?�
�The families of alcoholics. It�s a support group for them.�
�As long as you don�t expect ME to go.�
Nick got up from the sofa and walked into the kitchen. Kathleen heard him going into the fridge for a can of beer.
The rest of that summer passed by in a contented blur. For the first time in her adult life, Kathleen didn�t feel anxious or worried about her future or haunted and trapped by her past.
Nick�s drinking had been getting much worse and Kathleen found herself going to more and more meetings, just to stay sane and to get her out of the house.
One Sunday morning, as she was soaking in a hot bath, Nick stormed into the room and threw a piece of paper into Kathleen�s face.
�What�s this?�
�It�s a message from your fucking dyke mate, Carol. She can�t meet you today. She said to tell, �Kathy� not to worry and she�d phone you later tonight. What�s with this �Kathy� shit? You HATE people calling you Kathy.�
�Everyone in the Fellowship calls me that. Or Kath. I quite like it, actually. It�s like I�m a different person.�
�But I don�t WANT you to be a different person� The Fellowship! That�s all you ever talk about these days! It�s like they�ve brainwashed you into some secret society.�
�Well, maybe my brain NEEDED washing!�
�Is that another one of their fucking clever little sayings? How come they�ve got a saying for everything? And how come it�s all stupid cliches?�
�Maybe they�re cliches because they�re true,� Kathleen said, getting out of the bath.
�Jesus!�
�You know what�s wrong with you? Stinking thinking. That�s when your mind�s so clouded up by drink that you don�t even know what�s right and wrong anymore.�
�For fuck�s sake, Kathleen. What have these people DONE to you?�
�They�ve saved my life, that�s what they�ve done.�
�Bullshit! You never used to talk like this before. We always used to laugh at people who said things like that. People who�d go on all those crappy chat shows and tell the whole world about their problems. We used to think that was so pathetic!�
�Nick, I�ve CHANGED since then. I was really unhappy back then. I feel so much better now. I wish you�d see that. I wish you�d come with me to a meeting. I think you�d love it. There are so many people there you could relate to.�
�I�ve got MATES, Kathleen! I�ve got REAL MATES who I can RELATE to.�
�Real mates down the pub!�
�So what if I meet them in the pub? Where ELSE do you want me to go? Sad old fucking church halls and primary schools? Are they the latest places to be or something?�
�Why are you so cynical? I wish you knew what it was like to wake up in the morning and fall asleep at night and to FEEL things, sober. To be able to get on a bus without thinking you might puke up.�
�Kathleen, I don�t drink that much! You were always a bigger drinker than me. You used to think it was funny, remember? I�m not the one with the problem here.�
�Oh, you�re just in denial. Alcoholics NEVER think they�re alcoholics.�
�So, if I don�t think I�m an alky then that means I AM one? That doesn�t make any sense!�
�Nick, you should have heard this old guy who was sharing at the meeting last night. He said that the mental obsession with drink DOES go away and he said to himself every morning, �No matter what happens today, I�m not going to take a drink� and then he said he eventually felt �Happy, joyous and free.��
�Look, Kathleen. I really can�t handle this shit. Not this early in the morning. I want you BACK. I want the OLD YOU back. We used to have a LAUGH. We used to have FUN. You�ve turned into a BORING COW!�
�I can�t believe this! You want the �old me� back? The �old me� that used to have to sleep with the TV on �cause I was scared of the dark? The �old me� with all the obsessive thoughts? Checking I�d unplugged the cooker a hundred times before I left the house? The �old me� who used to have blackouts every other night of the week and wake up covered in blood �cause I�d been thrown out of nightclubs? I can�t go back to that, Nick! I won�t go back to that.�
�You fucking BORING COW! You�re even more addicted to going to these meetings than you were to booze!�
Kathleen could feel the anger boiling up inside her. That was one of the danger signs. They had told her, �Don�t get too angry, too stressed or too tired.� She was feeling all three.
�I�m going out for a walk. Then I might go and see if any of the boys are in the pub. Oh, sorry. I forgot. I�m an alcoholic in fucking DENIAL, aren�t I?�
With that, Nick stormed out of the house, leaving his wife in tears on the bathroom floor.
Later that day, when she had calmed down, Kathleen went out for a walk herself. There was a beautiful autumn breeze blowing as she walked through her old neighbourhood. She walked past all the dark and dingy pubs where she used to spend hours, days, weeks idly passing time with total strangers, drinking and smoking and feeding money into the jukebox. She had been pretty happy living that way for years. She�d get casual jobs in pubs and spend her days off there as well. All of her old boyfriends were barmen or pub punters. She even met Nick in a pub. He was younger than her; just out of college. He admired how much she could drink and Kathleen loved the attention. It made her feel special, something she�d never really felt before. It was always a joke between them. She was the worldly-wise older woman and he was her toy boy (in truth, though, he was only three years younger).
But, after a while, Kathleen began to see her drinking as a problem. She�d get anxious and wouldn�t leave the house for days. Nick was always really supportive but could never manage to get her out of herself. Kathleen felt as if she were trapped inside an invisible bubble which nobody else could burst. Drinking blurred the lines between fantasy and reality and seemed to help. Until that too finally stopped working.
That�s when the suicide attempts began. She would down a bottle of aspirin or cut her wrists, always knowing that Nick would find her and take her to hospital and then some nice nurse would ask her what was the matter and Kathleen would break down and pour out her heart and everything would suddenly be all right.
Only, it didn�t quite work out that way. The doctors and nurses were always rather cruel to her when she was admitted after yet another drunken suicide attempt. She began to think that they were trained to act that way, to discourage people from doing it again.
They hadn�t even referred her to a psychiatrist until that last time, which she�d always thought was rather strange. What did you have to do to yourself to get these people to take you seriously, she thought.
Kathleen was SO angry with Nick. Since she�d got sober, he seemed to be drinking every single day, finding any excuse to go out to the pub to see his mates.
�Hello stranger,� a voice said.
Kathleen turned round and saw Jake, an old boyfriend. He�d had a major haircut since she had last seen him.
�What happened to you?� she asked.
�It was time for a change, but I�ll always be a hippy in here,� he said, clutching his heart. �Fancy a drink?�
�Oh, no, I can�t. In a bit of a hurry.�
�Come on, Kathleen. It�s been years. We should catch up.�
�Alright, then. I�ll come for one.�
The Silver Hammer hadn�t changed much since Kathleen had last been in. Apart from some new bar staff and a lick of paint, it was as if she had stepped back in time.
�You still drinking cider?�
�No. Jake, look.. I.. I�ll just have a coffee, thanks. It�s a little bit early for me.�
�You feeling alright? That�s not like you! OK, one coffee, coming up.�
While Jake was at the bar, Kathleen noticed a queasy feeling in the pit of her stomach. She had done the right thing, not mentioning that she didn�t drink anymore. They had told her a lot of people see that as a challenge.
They sat around chatting for a while, Jake with his cider and Kathleen with her coffee. At around 2pm, Bill walked into the pub with a large rucksack on his back.
�He must have been doing his shopping,� Jake said. �Either that or climbing a mountain.�
Kathleen laughed and drained the coffee from her mug.
Bill sat down with his drink and placed the rucksack down underneath the table.
�What�s been going on?� Jake asked.
�Oh, I�ve been on these painkillers for the last few days, for a sore throat. I can�t really drink on them so I�ll only have the one. What have you been up to, Kathleen? I�ve not seen you in ages.�
�It�s been more than ages. More like years. You know. This and that. Got married last year.�
�Married! No chance! Not to that dopey Nick guy?�
�Yeah, to that dopey Nick guy,� Kathleen smiled.
�Got a job interview tomorrow,� Jake said. �A call centre. I think it�s some sort of cold calling.�
�I did that for 20 years,� Bill said. �I could sell anybody anything.�
�Do you want the job?� Kathleen asked Jake.
�I suppose so. I need the money.�
�Call centre jobs are meant to be easy to get,� Kathleen said. �A guy I used to go out with had a few of them, but he used to leave after a few weeks because he couldn�t stand it.�
�We�ll see what happens tomorrow,� Jake said.
Bill began talking about what had been happening with him and his girlfriend, who he�d been living with for several months. They had been decorating the house, buying new furniture and the like.
�I sold a load of my old records to buy her an engagement ring,� he said. �Here, see if there�s anything you want.�
He handed round a hand-written list of records that he had been unable to sell, which Kathleen and Jake skimmed through.
�I�ll buy �On the Beach�,� Jake said. �How much do you want for it?�
�A fiver, to you,� Bill said, putting the list back in the pocket of his black leather jacket.
As her old friends began chatting about music, Kathleen drifted into a kind of reverie, looking around the pub. She looked at the sad plastic flowers which still sat in a big vase by the till. She looked at the black and white photographs which still hung on the walls. She looked at all the bottles behind the bar and watched them glistening in the afternoon sun.
Then Brian walked in, dressed in his usual heavy overcoat, despite the unusually warm autumn weather.
�Kathleen!� he called out across the pub. �How the fuck are you? What are you drinking?�
�Yeah, it�s your round, Brian, you stingy old cunt!� yelled Bill.
�I�ll have a cider,� Kathleen said. Just the one, she thought. Just the one. It won�t hurt. Even though she�d been told that it was the first drink which was the killer. The drink which set up a compulsion and then a craving. But all that was soon forgotten.
Brian sat down at the table with a round of drinks.
�You�ve had a haircut,� Bill said.
�Finally. They had to hold me down, give me a general anaesthetic. I was in town yesterday. In a few pubs with one of my neighbours. We went to the Admiral�s Rest.�
�What were you doing in that poofter�s palace?�
�Never mind that. I want to know how my sweetheart�s doing. How�s it going, Kathleen? Where you been hiding yourself?�
�Oh, I moved across town. That�s all. And I got married.�
�Not to that arsehole Nick?�
Everybody laughed.
�Yeah, him.�
At 7pm, Kathleen was still sitting at the table with Brian, Bill and Jake, drinking cider.
�I was watching �Little House on the Prairie� this morning,� Brian said. �It�s really well written. The way they milk all the emotion from every little bit of the story�s amazing.�
�Who�s that guy in it with the beard?� Jake asked.
�I don�t know but he was in that other programme with Michael Landon too. About the angel. What was it called?�
��Highway to Heaven,�� Kathleen said. �I used to watch that all the time!�
�My ex-wife used to like that,� Brian said. �I�d come in from the pub, pretty pissed and she�d be sitting on the couch watching it. Either that or reading a book. She read about three or four books a week. I�d go into the kitchen and make her a cup of tea. It�d take me about two hours. I�d keep dropping things and all that. But I think she appreciated that I at least made the effort.�
Kathleen got up from the table and went over to the pay phone by the bar. She wondered if Nick would be home or still in the pub. She tried their home number first and was surprised when he answered.
�Where are you? Some meeting, I suppose?�
�No. Look, Nick, I�m sorry. I�m in the Silver Hammer.�
�That�s miles away. What are you doing there?�
�I bumped into some old mates. Look, why don�t you come down and have a drink? It�s been ages since we went out together.�
For a few seconds, there was a silence on the other end of the line.
�But, Kathleen, what about��
�Never mind about all that,� she said. �Just get down here. I�ll buy you a drink.�