Issue 50
april 2009
Spring is springing! Bunnies are leaping! Buds are blooming! Let�s all get naked and FUCK! Er, sorry about that� after all, this IS HY!, the UK�s most miserable zine. Our mission statement: to bring gloom to ALL! This issue is dedicated to everyone who has never had one single original thought in their lives. We SALUTE you! This issue is by Gary Mark and Ritchie Simmons. Please always remember that reality is an ILLUSION and that �love is all you need� (� some Scouse CUNTS). Read every single back issue of HY! at www.geocities.com/hiroshimayeah and then go out and pick some daisies or something.
SEPARATE SOMEHOW
I sit at the table
and listen to them bitch about work.
Even though I work with them,
drink with them,
like them all (pretty much),
I feel detached,
separate somehow.
I smile and nod,
all the while retreating further
into the cocoon of myself.
I do not feel superior,
merely apart,
as if I'm watching a nature documentary
about an entirely different species.
After a while,
I make my excuses and leave,
walk around for a while,
basking in the warm glow of surrender,
separate, alone,
free.
NOISE AND SILENCE
Those flashes on the horizon
cause you to forget yourself
for a little while,
shake you out of the complacent spell
which winter has woven for you.
Neither town nor country,
your life is a fixed point between
noise and silence
where the faraway roar of jet engines
cannot drown out the heart�s inner peace.
Whether deserving or not,
the world is being reborn,
the landscape changing
like the bright miracle of morning,
winter's darkness a distant memory now.
ALL THAT MAY LIE BETWEEN
When you�re infatuated with someone,
try writing down all the things you like about them.
Sometimes, when you read back over the list,
you can�t see a single thing that you would normally find attractive at all.
Most of the things they say aren�t particularly interesting or charming
and they�re not even very good-looking.
But then you meet them again and all of that goes straight out the window,
becomes an irrelevance.
The attraction is still there, as strong as ever,
maybe even stronger.
It�s like a primal force that you can neither explain nor control�
and you don�t WANT to explain or control it.
Within the limpid pools of their eyes,
you can see the past, the future
and all that may lie between.
THE MOMENT
People with expensive cameras
are trying to capture the moment,
this peaceful river,
these sad, silent ships.
I stand on the bridge,
take another drink from my bottle of wine
and simply let the moment wash over me,
watching the red sun going down.
Gary Simmons proudly presents�
13.7 BILLION YEARS OF HELL
Selected Dispatches from an Unwilling Player of God�s Little Game
I wonder how my ENEMY Camden pubs are doing with the kree-ditt krunch? I fuckin� HATE the Dev since it became the Hobgoblin (that�s where I had my fight with cunt Ross. But I didn�t like the new owner anyway; a big, burly, bearded BASTARD Brighton �boy�. = a CUNT. I remember a song came on that I liked, so I said �Yay! Turn it up!!� He said �When people say that, I turn it DOWN.� Cunt. The trouble with �rock� pubs, at least in LONDON anyway, is that once the staff get behind the bar, they seem to think they�ve fuckin� MADE it!! I�d rather drink neat vodka with Ed Mitchell and friends on a freezing SEAFRONT (er, as long as it wasn�t BRIGHTON) and I mean that most sincerely, folks). I�ve started to get more interested in LOCAL pubs. I must be getting on for 50. Fuck, I AM getting on for 50!! Pubs are for DRINKING in, not posing in, like some fuckin� R�n�R THEME park!! (And, if anyone IS gonna do some posing, it�ll be ME!)
AXIS LITTLE BEAR�S �E4 (CHANNEL 4 TV) HOLLYOAKS OMNIBUS 14.30-17.00. STEPH RETURNS TO THE VILLAGE BUT WORRIES HOW PEOPLE WILL REACT FOLLOWING HER INVOLVEMENT WITH NIALL. TONY IS HORRIFIED TO DISCOVER THAT THERESA, HIS RECENT CONQUEST, IS A SCHOOLGIRL.* (S)� PLAYLIST
H.R. GIGER � LANDSCAPE XIX. T-shirt (Also, and more accurately, referred to as the �Giger Skull T�, I bought this wonderful rarity in 2000 when I was addicted to Morpheus International and still had the dosh to back my addiction UP! It�s a bit of an awkward adaptation, the skull image having been a'taken away from the rest of H.R.G�s 1973 painting �Landscape XIX� but, you know, pretty much ANYTHING �Giger� is OK by me. White design on black with the Galerie Morpheus logo on the back, I�m a poet and I sure do show it. Size L, $18 plus $3 shipping. Check out www.morpheusart.com� IF that�s still the current address. Morpheus. 1999)
TOTAL SHIT AND PISS #4 � BAD EATING HABITS. DVD (Or is it, as I suspect, a CDV? Also, I wouldn�t actually call it �TOTAL�, for I didn�t spy one solid or even remotely whole piece of turd in the one hour duration of this DVD and, further, all the �EATING� consisted of was the munchey-wunching away at chocolate �clairs. What we do get is a just-about-acceptable amount of diarrhoea that is possibly more to do with off-camera enemas than an upset tum-tum. Such is my curiosity and intrigue with the world of scatological pornography that I feel I could spew forth, sphincter-wise, pages and pages of anecdotes, observations, questions and, particularly, a �wants� list. But, for now, here�s a synopsis of the show I picked up in a Chinese-run �pound� type shop during a recent visit to Madrid. I had already seen this title in one of the refreshingly explicit (compared to the piss-poor censored British crap that I�m sent almost daily) THAGSON catalogues of Barcelona, selling for 21 Euro. Just why my copy was only 3.90 Euro is a pleasing mystery. The cast in this visual feast are a long-haired (faggot!!) late 40s �wreck of rock �n� roll former self� ex-heroin addict look-like geezer complete with those delightful �container drivers� tattoos on thin arms and leg, whilst the female interest is supplied by some late 30s dreg-ordinary blonde bint who, in all fairness, could be far worse. All the action take places in a demi-Ikea-like interior on a black and white chequered tile floor. The mini-skirted blondie begins the entertainment by squatting on the ground, pissing into a glass and pretends to sip it. Cop out!
The male wreck fondles lewdly the sow�s cunt and ass, then strips off. Blondie smears the bloke�s, supposedly shit-stained, panties over his skinny bod. Now his turn to piss into a glass, they both sip (or do they?) He squats and squirts a more-water-than-shit shit into a bowl, she puts it through a plastic strainer and onto his body with the aid of a wooden spoon� Christ, this is all quite tedious, I�ll jump to the parts which warrant taking note to. Well, no matter how many blow-jobs this man receives, he never does get his funny looking undercooked chipolata up. Either this shit-star doesn�t REALLY like shit or else the years of shooting-up shit have taken their toll. Shame, coz Lady Muck lays on a very nice bit of mouth� whilst having her back smeared in wet poo poo. Next we�re made to suffer the indignity of having to viddy some chocolate cream trifle daubing. Er, yeah, great. Thing is, if I wanted that I�d have bought a copy of Splosh. Pathetic. The wooden spoon (handle end, don�t worry) penetrates Blondie�s ass and, yawn, she attempts to hopelessly fool her audience into making it look as if she�s done a turd when in fact even a retarded 3 year old would be able to see she�s actually picked up a chocolate �clair and pushed it out from under her cunt. �Sad� is too weak a word. Both of them eat the �clair. Pah!! You could do this at home in front of your grandparents� although I�d advise against this regarding the spoon handle ass fucking and clit shit tonguing which soon follows. Now, at last, the moment we�ve been waiting for, the guy dumps a diarrhetic stream of anal sludge onto his truly beloved�s belly upon which it pools dutifully and beautifully before he oh-so gently smears it about. Sexy! This is the 2nd best scene in the flick. The smile on Blondie�s �clair-smeared face whilst she holds Mr. Right�s buttock cheeks apart is endearing and a joy to beat off to. Well, I liked it anyway. More stupid frolicking follows, he gets an overlong dose of his own spoon handle, attempts to piss on Lady Luck, can�t, but does manage to drop another helping of the runny stuff onto her tummy. She attempts, but aborts, to shit on him. They propose a toast of piss, half-heartedly pouring the glasses over each other�s heads. Next, the obligatory banana up the cunt and, almost, the arse. Bored me to tears. He gets anal-�claired, she gets a spattering more diarrhoea and then cunt-rubbed with the business end of, your pal and mine, woody the spoon. It�s vaayycant� and I don�t care!! Do YOU care?!?! Thoroughly smeared in all this crap, she sucks him 69 style but still the weird prick remains a limpdick. Fuck, I�d have exploded by now. The choccy-�clair con is tried yet again� c�mon, we want SHITE, baby, SHITE!! And shite we get. The next scene is the best, our hero unleashes a whole stinking load of muddy crap outta his ass, carpet bombing her back and once-lovely golden hair. This is the section you�ll discharge to, if you�ve got any sense at all. Nice! The last 10 mins is just pissing and bottle-fucking about� your regular porn fare really, as is the soundtrack although the music was quite �interesting� as they say in review-land. Then �THE END� comes up, followed by, and I�ve just got to share this message with you, my put-off-forever reader; �We�re always interested in new models, especially females. If you want to star in one of our future productions and earn some nice money too, just write with a recent full length photograph of yourself to: Touch N Go, P.O. Box 17631, 1001 JM Amsterdam, The Netherlands�. Touch N Go Productions. 2003?)
THE FALL � REFORMATION POST TLC. CD (My absolutely BREE-LEE-ANT 49th birthday gifty from Marky Poo De Bum Bums and much too good for my USUAL quick-mention-in-a-playlist �review�. Please see my �proper� review of this MOTHER of all albums, somewhere, sometime, Munic and Elsewhere, whatever. Yes. It�s just simply SO fuckin� PLAYABLE! Slogun. 2007)
VARIOUS ARTISTS � JAZZ 4 GARY/PUNK 4 GARY � HAPPY 49TH! Cassette (Part of my seemingly never-ending 49th birthday gifties from Muck Ditchy, this tape being Jazz and shit on one side and Punk and Shiite Muslim on thee other. The Jazz is a warm, spermy mouthwash of wonderful unhurried serenity, they don�t call it �Jizz� for nothing, to soothe one�s tortured (via Chinese nurse) lug-holes. I especially liked the Ella Fitzgerald and Billie Holiday tracks (does any FOOL out there know if the Fitzgerald with Joe Pass LPs are out on CD yet? Coz I WANT them). Delicious is Gerry Mulligan�s �What Is This Thing Called Love?� Tasty as a twelve year-old�s twart, that�s Bill Evans� �My Heart Stood Still� while Wes Montgomery�s �The Shadow of Your Smile� gives us all the excuses necessary not to attend yet ANOTHER of Caligula�s tiresome orgies. I�m too old for all that shit anyway. Of the 19 Punk tracks, I�d say that the likes of P.A.I.N�s
characaturesque �Road Rage�, Icons of Filth�s Anti Nowhere League-stooo-peed-sounding �Dividing Line�, The Germs� I-was-there �We Must Bleed� and Exit-Stance�s A-OK o�er clich�d �The Shit Still Stinks� KINDA took my fancy, with Nirvana�s �Downer� being the, perhaps predictable, favourite. Never DID get into H�sker D�. You can�t beat the Pistols though, don�t ya think? Ta for all, Mark! 2008)
VARIOUS ARTISTS - XMAS TAPE 2008. Cassette (Another Mark-sent comp, still unplayed as of the time of a�writing, that date being 15.12.2008. At the moment The Fall play, Reformation Post TLC CD� again. What CAN you do? 2008)
VARIOUS AUTISTS � THE WIRE TAPPER 20. CD (Mark sent this to me (bet THAT surprised ya?!) A free-with-The-Wire-issue-296-October-2008 CD, but it�s got a sticky-note on it which says �Wharthog sent me this�� oh, what goes around CUMS around (if only, little �C�). Then it looks like W.Hog has written �SHIT� on it, in his (usual) big fat black marker pen. So, AM I gonna boo-thar to play this when I COULD (and AM!) playing The Fall � Post Reformation etc, etc? �NO�, is my fuckin� poof-essional answer. Fuck orf. The Wire. 2008)
HELLO AGAIN, GARY� - RICHO. Letter (4pp handwritten communication from Richo in Poland, dated 12.9.2007, to which I have STILL not replied, despite seeing, BRIEFLY-coz-he-was-with-a-hot-chick, this charming man himself at Whitehouse-at-the-Slimelight back in fuck-knows-when, Rape-girl 2008� I THINK. Richo. 2007)
DEAR GARY, - PAMELA. Letter (4pp handwritten missive with downloaded cute animal pictures, postmarked 12.4.2007, to which I ALSO have still not replied, although a handful of international texts have been exchanged. Pamela is an old flame who I met at the Marquee in October (the 22nd to be exact) 1988. She�s now married to Paolo and has a little girl called Camilla. Pamela. 2007)
SUTCLIFFE J�GEND � WE SPIT ON THEIR GRAVES. 10 X 1 hour cassette boxed set (Nah� I ain�t REALLY got this gem. It was selling at �26 in 1983, far, FAR beyond my clammy reach. And now, alas, it�s even FURTHER! Fuck it. Also missed-out on the chance to buy the 10 x LP bootleg boxset (on Remote Control Records??) when I was offered it on-a-plate by Geoff Cox of Vinyl Experience, circa 1991, for �200. Why? Coz: I.am.a.CUNT. Come Organisation. 1983)
SET OF BROKEN FLAG TRANSPARENCIES. Transparencies (Still kidding. Broken Flag. 1983/4)
ONTO �83 � LIVE RECORDINGS BY MEMBERS OF MALE RAPE GROUP. Cassette (Nope. Iphar. 1982/3?)
COME ORGANISATION � BRASS NAMEPLATE. Brass nameplate (Ok, I�m bored now. Goodbye. Come Organisation. 1983?)
* She turns out to be 15. Camden �punks�, WRITE to your MP! CALL the Fuzz!! CUT the writer�s BALLS off!! Do it, NOW!!! Devil in the house� TONIGHT!!
EAR-OH-SHE-MA, NO! CRUMPLED DICK-BUM #4
To win a coo-pee of �Confronting the Evidence: A Call to Reopen the 9/11 Investigation� DVD (as reviewed in HY!#5), dare to answer the big question on everyone�s vaginal LIPS.
If God made 12 year-old VIRGIN Mary PREGNANT, does that make Him �
A � A Hero?
B � A child-molesting paedophile FUCK?
C � A fuckin� hypocrite?
Answers only from a pissed tard, please. The first entry, NO MATTER WHAT YOU ANSWERED, to make God sit up and listen and to, perhaps, change his smart arsed self-imposed speed of light �act� so for to hurry HERE and save US, er, like, as of NOW, will win the DVD. Is he a fuckin� IDIOT or what? Send to HY! Comp at the usual gaff. Closing date is 5th May 2009 The answer to HY!�s December 2008/comp #1 was: C � Billy and Gary are gayers. Do not bend for them. The lucky winner was Gary Simmons of London. Congratulations Gary, your �Stabat Mater� CD is on its way to you. The answer to HY!�s February 2009/comp #2 was: A � Kicked Trendy in the back. The lucky winner was Jim MacDougall of fuckin� WILTSHIRE! Fancy livin� THERE, Jim! My GOD, what the FUCK is wrong with London or Glasgow? Are you HOMOPHOBIC or something? Racist? A, dare I say it, HOLOCAUST denier?! Well, you obviously don�t deserve it, but your �Pyramid� filthy PORN DVD is on its way to you. Congratu-fuckin�-LATIONS. Thanks to all the hundreds of readers who entered the competition and we�re sorry to disappoint so many of you. The milk bottle tops look very lovely in our HY! recycling bin, it was just like Pornographic Peter here for a moment. Shame Koni grew up (she now does piss videos for Charlie Brooker. Phwoar!)
MUSIC & BLETHER
JOSH ROUSE � THE BEST OF THE RYKODISC YEARS (RYKO/RHINO)
This delightful two-CD set only came out recently yet I managed to get a copy in Fopp for the bargain price of �3! Like, WOW! Disc one is a compilation of album tracks and �hits� (so it says on the sticker, though I don�t remember Mr Rouse ever troubling the hit parade), so not ONLY do we get to groove out to sublime tunes like �Laughter�, �Winter in the Hamptons� and �Love Vibration� but we ALSO have the pleasure of weeping along with the gloriously melancholy �My Love is Gone� and �Rise�. The second disc features demos, rarities and outtakes, the sparkliest of these hidden jewels being �Sad Eyes�, �Michigan� and �Cannot Talk�. Exactly WHY the latter was left off Josh�s debut album is one of the world�s greatest conundrums.
JOHN & BEVERLEY MARTYN � STORMBRINGER! (ISLAND)
CROSBY, STILLS & NASH � S/T (ATLANTIC)
I must be turning into a RIGHT old hippie, if my recent purchase of these albums is anything to go by� Well, FUCK it, �cos they�re both absolutely LOVELY. On the cover of their �Stormbringer!� (1970), a youthful John and Bev snuggle up close and they�re equally generous when dishing out the aural huggy-wugs, treating us to folky gems galore (including four previously unreleased bonus tracks). Here, John�s voice has yet to evolve into the boozy slur that characterises his most celebrated work, so lovelorn laments like �Would You Believe Me?� and the BEAUTIFUL title track are delivered in crystal clear fashion, sometimes bringing to mind that OTHER great folk partnership that eventually ended in bitter divorce, Richard and Linda Thompson. Crosby, Stills and Nash�s 1969 debut floats along gentle and mellow on Heaven-sent harmonies and dreamy ditties. Songs like �Guinnevere�, �Wooden Ships� and �Lady of the Island� are the musical equivalent of lazy summer picnics where massed ranks of flower children lie stoned and de-boned on paisley pattern quilts. Groovy vibes, maaan!
PEDRO THE LION � ACHILLES HEEL (JADE TREE)
First became aware of this band when they were played on John Peel�s radio show sometime during the late 1990s and, while liking what I heard, they seemed to get lost amongst all the other bands around at the time peddling a similar brand of melancholic slowcore (Fuck, Rex, etc). Consequently, this 2004 CD is the first full-length Pedro the Lion release I�ve had the pleasure of. And it IS a pleasure, albeit a slowly unfurling one. Singer/songwriter David Bazan has the vocal stylings of a more lugubrious Evan Dando but this delivery camouflages a dry wit that�s perhaps best witnessed on statuesque opener �Bands with Managers�. Elsewhere, on �The Poison�, Bazan informs us that �I can�t stay sober, though it isn�t like I try�. Obviously, this is my favourite track�
BIG STAR � IN SPACE (RYKO)
Legendary bands that reform, why oh why do they do it? Well, for the CASH I expect, and you can�t really blame them. After all, cult status doesn�t exactly get the bills paid. Alex Chilton made three TRULY classic albums in the 1970s as part of Big Star (the last of which wasn�t even RELEASED properly until years later), all of which sold about twelve copies, causing him to go a bit �funny� and release some truly odd records such as 1980�s �Like Flies on Sherbert�. Then, all of a sudden, young whippersnappers like the Replacements, Teenage Fanclub and the Posies were name-checking Chilton as a seminal influence, with the Replacements even going so far as to write a song named after him. Bingo! Legendary status ACHIEVED. This, then, is Big Star�s comeback album from 2005 and it sees Chilton reunited with Jody Stephens, one of rock �n� roll�s most thrilling drummers, with members of the Posies filling out the line-up. As expected, it�s something of a mixed bag so, for every CRACKER like �Dony�, �Lady Sweet� and �February�s Quiet�, there�s funky guff (�Love Revolution�) and dull filler (�Aria, Largo� and �Makeover�).
THE CHAMBER STRINGS � MONTH OF SUNDAYS (BOBSLED)
Okay, so the cover is instantly recognisable from a thousand bargain bins, but what about the actual MUSIC? Well, the delicately tinkled piano and loin tingling strings of the instrumental opener reel me in nicely so that, by the time Kevin Junior�s voice, all delicious yearning melancholy, makes its appearance, I am practically PANTING on the floor. There are some simply DIVINE songs here that will melt the heart of any Tindersticks/Scott Walker/Richard Hawley fan because, although Kev doesn�t possess the deep and manly croon of aforesaid artistes, his band�s orchestral splendour is more than a match for them. Produced by occasional Pernice Brother Thom Monahan, this is an album to enjoy during long, rainy, late-night walks, especially the epic weepy �It�s No Wonder�, a six-and-a-bit minute MIRACLE of a song.
SEBADOH � BUBBLE & SCRAPE (DOMINO)
A tasty reissue, tastily priced at �4, this CD has a cover sticker that is practically a review in itself: �15th Anniversary reissue of the �93 schizophrenic lo-fi opus. Remastered to imperfect perfection. Featuring previously unreleased hand-picked versions and tracks of honest intensity. A firm fan�s favourite.� What more can I add? Well, there are some real forgotten (by me, at least) classics here: �Soul and Fire�, �Two Years Two Days�, �Clich�, �Sacred Attention�, �Forced Love�, �Think (Let Tomorrow Bee)� (all the more poignant when you know that they were written by Lou Barlow just after being dumped by his long-term girlfriend), �Happily Divided�, �Sister�� and the cover of �Reject� by the Necros, recorded for German radio, is an absolute GEM.
DVD
NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN
Ah, the Coen Brothers. They did �The Big Lekowski�, �Fargo� and �O Brother, Where Art Thou?� They�re a LAUGH, right? So �No Country for Old Men� should be a LAUGH too, RIGHT? WRONG! It�s a film of eerie silences, violent killings and oodles of TENSION. Despite flashes of dark humour, this murderfest isn�t exactly a giggle but I still found it oddly compelling and enjoyable. Perhaps that�s because I watched it through a haze of cider and herbal sleeping pills, though. Javier Bardem�s haircut is GREAT too.
BOOK
RICHARD BRAUTIGAN � THE ABORTION (VINTAGE)
Here�s a guy I�ve always MEANT to get around to reading but never have until now, so thanks to Simon for passing this book on. This early 1970s novel�s kooky characters and plot shouldn�t be TOO taxing for any seasoned Haruki Murakami reader, begging the question: is Murakami a Richard Brautigan fan? They even share a publisher! The REALLY short chapters are an instant plus point for a zero-attention-span TWAT like myself, and anyone who can write lines like �we join our bodies together like a bridge across the abyss� has GOT me, right in the palm of their genius hand, FOREVER.
THE BED
I pull the sheet back, see that he�s wet the bed again and let out a deep sigh.
�Oh dear. You�ve been so good today, as well. You know what this means, don�t you?�
He just stares at me, blankly.
�I don�t like doing this but it�s the only way you�ll learn.�
I grab him by the hair, force his head down between his legs and rub his face into the wet patch, holding it there for about 20 seconds before releasing my grip. Sheepishly, he looks up at me, eyes beginning to well with tears.
�I don�t know how many times I have to tell you,� I say, going over to the window to close the curtains. �It�s for your own good. Do you want something to drink?�
He nods and so I go into the kitchen for a glass of water.
Later on, I�m sitting in the lounge, halfway through a bottle of wine when I hear a crash. When I go into the bedroom, I see that he�s tried to get out of bed and has fallen into the nightstand, sending pill bottles scattering all over the carpet.
�For fuck�s sake,� I yell. �I can�t even get five minutes peace without you ruining it for me. I�m absolutely SICK of it!�
�Sorry,� he whimpers, not looking at me.
�What use is SORRY?� I ask him. �Sorry won�t clean up this MESS. The mess YOU made. You�re USELESS, you know that? You�re a fucking useless old CUNT.�
He looks pathetic, lying there on the floor in his dirty pyjamas. Really pathetic. The bedside lamp casts a dull yellow glow across the room, bathing everything in a sort of piss colour.
�I was�� he starts to say.
�What? You were WHAT?� I shout.
�I was trying to get to the toilet.�
It�s only then I notice his pyjama trousers are wrapped around his ankles. His shrivelled genitals hang limp, useless. I reach down, grab hold of his balls and twist, causing him to cry out in pain.
�Why are you doing this to me?� he asks.
�Why? Well, I tell you what, I�ll let you think about that for a while. I�m going back into the lounge to finish drinking my wine, then we can have a talk about it, okay?�
And I leave him lying there.
When I go back in, he�s somehow managed to get himself back into bed and has even picked up a few of the pill bottles that he knocked over. He looks pleased with himself, almost smug.
�Oh, what a GOOD BOY!� I tell him, sitting down on the end of the bed. �Did you do this all by yourself?�
�I thought you�d be pleased,� he tells me.
�Don�t get me wrong, I�m absolutely ECSTATIC that you�ve managed to actually do something for YOURSELF for a change. Now, I need to have a word with you about what�s going to happen tomorrow.�
�What�s happening tomorrow?�
�Let me guess, you can�t remember, right? How wonderfully CONVENIENT for you that you seem to forget every little thing I tell you. Well, okay, the nurse is coming round in the morning, so I want you on your best behaviour. No telling tales, alright? It�s our little secret. That�s what you used to say to me when I was a kid� or have you forgotten about THAT as well?�
�I don�t know what you�re talking about,� he says.
�Yeah, I�m sure you probably DON�T. It�s just a shame I can�t forget about it as easily. Still, never mind, water under the bridge and all that. No point holding a grudge, is there? I�m off to bed now. Goodnight.�
�Will you leave the light on?� he asks, as I�m getting up to leave.
�Oh my God! That�s a good one!� I say and start to laugh.
�What are you laughing at?�
�Well, I may as well tell you, since you OBVIOUSLY won�t remember. Are you ready? Ready for your bedtime story? Once upon a time, I think I was about seven or eight, it was bedtime, and I told you that I didn�t want to go to bed in the dark. I think I�d seen a scary film or something. You used to let me watch them with you sometimes, as a �treat�, you said. So, anyway, this night you made me put my clothes back on, took me out to the car and started driving. You wouldn�t tell me where we were going. Miles and miles, we drove. When we eventually stopped, we were out in the middle of nowhere, near a big clump of trees, a small forest, I suppose you�d call it. You got a sleeping bag out of the boot, marched me down into the middle of the trees and left me there, all night.�
�I� I don�t remember any of that.�
�Well, I�m not making it UP! You told me that it�d make a MAN of me. You left me there and came back for me in the morning. I hadn�t slept all night. I�d sat up, crying, absolutely terrified. There were all these weird noises and I didn�t know where I was or anything. Then I had to go to school and I kept falling asleep in class. That got me into trouble so, when I got home, you kicked the shit out of me, to teach me a lesson. You and your lessons... You could always find some quote in the Bible to justify anything you did. Family man! Pillar of the community! What an absolute fucking sick JOKE.�
�Turn the other cheek,� he says.
�Ah, out come the Biblical quotations, right on cue. Funny how you never seem to forget any of THOSE. Well, I�ll tell you something, I much prefer the one that goes �An eye for an eye�. So, night-night then. Try not to piss yourself �til morning.�
I turn off the bedside lamp, plunging the room into darkness.