To be honest, the people who have said they�ll be turning up were all part of a small-ish group that I really got along well with at college. We would go out together all the time, sometimes going to a cottage in the country and getting wildly drunk in the local pub. It�s not like I�ll be meeting any of the total arse-holes who I knew at that time (and there were plenty of them). Maybe I�m just worried that everyone�s lives have been a lot more successful than mine. Actually, I know this is the case because one of them is working for the BBC as some sort of producer and another is a journalist. I know it depends on how you define �success�, but I don�t think that my many years of being on the dole and developing and nurturing an alcohol addiction would count for �success� in many people�s eyes. Still, I can always bum up my (non-existent) music and writing �career� (which mainly amounts to not even Z list status in even the sub-underground world, despite years and years of doing it).
I�ve only really stayed in touch with a couple of people from those days and, generally, I think we only really keep in touch with people we WANT to stay in touch with, don�t we? Sometimes our lifestyle differences just don�t allow us to get along as we once used to. It's sad but true. I remember sitting with one of my oldest mates a couple of years ago and he pointed out that we were doing exactly what we�d been doing for years (which was: sitting in a room, drinking cider and listening to loud music) while other people our age were married with kids. We found it kind of funny but it�s getting less funny the older I get. I don�t actually WANT to get married and have kids, but it does sometimes seem �the thing to do� doesn�t it? Society bombards us with these images of �things you should do before you�re X age� and we believe it all like fools.
The fact is, I�ve never really had any ambition to speak of. I don�t ever try hard enough to achieve anything because there�s nothing that I really want to achieve. Well, that�s not quite true, but the only things I want to do are small-time. Like this �piece� I�m writing now. It�s not designed with any particular audience in mind. It�s being written purely for my own amusement/sanity. Because I need to get certain things out of me and writing helps. I�m just not ambitious enough, or ego-tistical enough, to push these things on into another realm. I don�t want to be famous. I think most famous people are damaged people to start with and fame only damages them even more. Often beyond repair.
But I know I�ve been living in a dream world practically my entire life and that it can�t go on forever. Doing shitty jobs is part of people�s lives whether they like it or not. Most of us don�t have a choice. I�ll soon start getting hassle off the dole again. But it�s my so-called �peers� who I reserve most of my shame for. Certain friends I have, or is that I �used to have�, haven�t been so keen to see me as our financial worlds drift apart. When we used to arrange to meet, I would always suggest a more moderately priced place. They, of course, would look down their noses and opt for the swish wine bars which I can�t afford (and wouldn�t go in even if I could). It�s not merely my imagination.
So, we�re having this college reunion thingie in a pub where we always went �in the old days�. I never much cared for it then so God knows what I�ll think of it now. When I texted someone that maybe we should meet in a cheaper pub, he retorted with �We�ll keep you stocked with drink, don�t worry�. Now, that might sound like a dream come true, but it just makes me feel like a loser and a twat (which, of course, is what I AM!) We�re not meeting until 8pm so I�ll probably be pissed before I even get there, which I�m sure people will be expecting from me anyway. Will I disappoint? Only time will tell.