Monday-had cider in the morning and thought I wouldn�t be able to make it home, collapsed fully clothed on my bed but eventually got it together enough to get a train and a bus home, had some food, chatted a bit to mum, went to my room, copied tapes, etc. rang joe for a bit, but later on, my mum went for a walk with agnes before 7, and I suddenly started to feel really weird, yes it was the DTs, but worse than I�ve ever had them before, I was standing, terrified, looking at the spiders on the outside of my room windows, I started gulping down cider but then began to puke it up, I took some kalms and a painkiller but puked, my brain wasn�t working right, I was closing my eyes but then was too scared to open them again,cos I didn�t know what would be there, forced myself to go downstairs, but every time I turned a corner I thought someone or something awful would be there, made it back to my room but was too freaked out even to get into bed, thought I had to keep my eyes open otherwise I�d close them and never be able to open them again, I was thinking �do you love your mum?� and it was like someone was telling me NO NO you don�t.. I was thinking �are you taking your mum to glasgow tomorrow?� and I was going YES YES YES but something in my head (not an actual voice I could hear, more a very very strong, persuasive thought I couldn�t switch off) was telling me NO NO NO, the next time she sees you, you�ll be on a mortuary slab.. if I�d had a gun I�d had blown my head off just to stop the thoughts but I didn�t, I was trying to pull myself together, but couldn�t, I was punching my head and the door frame, but it didn�t help, I put a song on and tried to dance, like tracey emin in that film she made, thinking I�m not gonna let them win,but it wasn�t helping, it was as if the music wasn�t reaching me, there was no joy anywhere in the world, I kept thinking about all the people I love, but it wasn�t enough,  and then it was like something clicked and I thought, ah well, bye mum, bye joe, andrew, bye everyone I love, sorry I let the fuckers win, the spiders, my �father�, the cunts in the world, they�re too strong, but something else kept me saying NO, they CAN�T win, I won�t let the CUNTS win, but it still felt like they were winning anyway, eventually, it seemed like hours, although I�d lost all track of time, somehow, just as my mum put her key in the front door, I walked downstairs and said �hi, enjoy the walk?� and she said something about how it was dark already (it seemed to get dark all of a sudden, in my mind), and I went into the bathroom, washed my face and said I was going to bed (it was around 8pm), and it was weird cos I suddenly knew everything was ok, so I went to bed and instantly fell asleep, covering my face, with the TV silently on, and I dreamt of nice things, but then I awoke an hour later and it was like the voice in my head was back, but not as strong this time and it was saying �you think that�s it over, fucker?� but it was easier to shut off this time and I just imagined light and happiness and love and all the people I care about and it went away, and for the rest of the night I was okay, pretty much, slept sporadically, but I prayed and thanked God for saving my life again and thanked all the great people in my life.

Tuesday- Got up at 5.30, mum was already awake.  She made me a fry up and then had a shower, then I had a shower and got ready.  We left with the 6.50 bus and then I told her about what happened last night, although I wasn�t going to tell her.  She said she was glad I told her, anyway.  We got a train from Lanark to Glasgow.  I felt dead tired on the train.  We got to Glasgow at about 8.20 and went to Cooper's in Central and I had a coke and mum had a coffee.  Then we went to St Enoch centre and to another couple of shops to look around, then we went and found the place mum had to go and see some Benefit Agency quack about being on the sick.  We had to wait ages, over an hour, as there was some delay.  The waiting room was mobbed.  A really busy place.  Mum�s name was eventually called and she went wth the doc and I went to Henry Healy�s and got something to eat and a can of Lucozade.  Went back and met mum outside the building.  She said the guy just asked her a few questions, said he seemed quite cheeky about it all.  We went to another shop and then mum got the 12.20 train to Lanark, and I saw her onto the train.  After that I walked around town for a bit then walked back to my flat, tidied it up a bit, hoovered, etc then left and went a walk, up to Crown Road North, eating an ice cream cone on the way.  They�re doing it all up now so it looks like a building site, then I went down to Byres Road, Partick, looked in some charity shops, ate an apple, drank some Coca Cola in Kelvingrove Park, walked about some more.  I was so bored, sad and lonely.  It occurred to me that my whole identity is being a drinker.  Going to pubs, drinking.  I�ve been totally overdoing it lately and it dawned on me (perhaps a little too late!) that I haven�t really been sober at all for well over a week now, or even longer.  Cider before work, pints at lunchtime then straight to the pub after work.  Weekends of drinking in the morning then going to Sir Johns for lunchtime.  Went back to my room for about 4.30 and turned on the TV, read some of Uncut, lay on my bed, listening to everyone�s doors banging open and closed, the people upstairs banging about, put some music on.  Eventually started drifting in and out of sleep at about 8pm ish, put on my CD of whale music.

Wednesday- At least I felt like more refreshed and relaxed after sleeping last night.  I got up at 7.30, got ready and left 15 minutes later.  Worked.  Typed this.  I spoke to Jim and Jeri in the caf� and told them about Monday.  Had lunch and a soft drink in the Scotia at lunch with Jamie.  Went into Ideas in Action in the PM and watched today�s mock interviews (Jeri, Jim and Stuart, although Jim wasn�t there).  When we said our goodbyes, Jeri said good luck and said that, although he obviously didn�t want to see me at AA, to remember that �We�re always there for you if you need us�.  Then I went to the base. Went to the Horseshoe after work, after I bought the new Ryan Adams single and Joe M came in and we had a pint. I drank mine very slowly. Drunken Eyes was in and he left at 6.10. We went to the Goose and had 2 more pints, although I was only going to have one (Joe bought me 2), we played some quiz machines for ages and he wanted me to go to the sports bar with him to watch the fottie but I wanted food so I left him at 8.30, walked back, got a pizza, ate it and went to bed but was awakened constantly by banging doors and Fruity and Gail shouting at each other through the wall. Fucking HELL. Did sleep, sporadically. Do I ever sleep any other way unless I�m drunk?
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