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| I think basically my problem is that I�ve always done the absolute minimum required of me in life. In school the only subjects I passed exams in were the ones I could do with absolutely no effort at all. My English teacher once told me that I could be so much better if I just tried a bit harder. That�s the thing, though, I never did and so I�d get 30% and shit like that in maths exams and I didn�t give a fuck �cause I wasn�t interested in maths. Because I was in the top English class, they had to put me in one of the top maths classes (that�s the way it worked), so I was in a class with people who were quite good at maths whereas I was useless. They couldn�t understand why I was there. The posh dicks in my English class (they weren�t all posh dicks, by the way) would all be going off to their Latin lessons and I�d be going to do drama or community studies (which entailed me and another lad going round his gran�s for our tea � we were meant to be helping the elderly. We were only really helping one elderly person get rid of some tea and biscuits). But I mean, to try and get back to the point, I�ve never really tried too hard with anything � that�s why the most zines I�ve ever sold is maybe 100 tops. I�m quite content to coast along and that�s not good. I wish I had more drive to push things on a bit. I don�t think I�m lazy � I�ve always done loads of stuff; zines, tapes, bands and all that. But, whereas other people make a success out of such ventures (by �success� I suppose I mean selling 100s of zines/tapes and becoming a mega personality who is interviewed in the NME and gets to do lots of drugs with people at Virgin Radio), I seem content to just do the work and not bother too much about promoting it. The time when I worked voluntarily for a TV company and didn�t take advantage of any of the chances to work on telly shows (although, really, they�d have been taking advantage of me by making me work like a bastard for fuck all reward) is another example of how I�ve never really tried very hard to move myself up a notch in the world. Lots of things I�ve done (or not done) seem to point to my lack of drive and ambition. I can see it more now that I�m in my early 30s. More and more people I know are married, have good jobs, their own flats, etc and I�m more or less the same as I was 15 years ago. It�s really sad and I can�t see myself changing now. I don�t have any ambition to do much at all � I just coast along and I wouldn�t say I�m happy with that, because I don�t think I�m very happy in general. But what can I do about it? I think you�re supposed to do these things almost unconsciously. When I was working, I felt better in general, because things seemed to fall into place without me trying to make them. I was too busy to really dwell on anything other than what I had to do each day, and that was a good thing for me (being someone who tends to dwell on trivial things too much � or at least on things which I have little or no control over). Britain loves its heroic failures as well. That�s a built-in part of the psyche of this dismal country which I think I may have bought into a bit too much. It�s almost as if we�re afraid of success. We love to see someone brought to their knees if we think they�re getting above themselves, whereas in countries like America, success is seen as the ultimate goal. But sometimes it seems like too much effort to rouse myself out of the state of boredom and lethargy I�ve become accustomed to. Like this zine, my life is a random, jumbled-up series of thoughts, actions and ideas. No wonder I�m so fucked up. I have very little purpose to my life beyond doing things like this and music, and that�s a very sad state of affairs considering just how little these things mean to anyone else. It�s laughable how I used to think I�d achieve something in my life. I can�t see it happening anymore. I�m just not cut out to be that kind of person (a person who�s �successful�). I don�t have �what it takes� to be that kind of success. Maybe lo-fi, indie, DIY is all I�m good for. What a fucking laugh, eh? |