Mood: Pensieve.
Music: 'Matrix Theme' - Rage Against The Machine
Eats: None.
Word of the day: esoteric
Saying/Lyric/Quote of the day: Takes one to know one. :)
Ugh...I'm SO TIRED. Havn't been sleeping much lately..'course, we all know where that comes from..-_-;;
We started school Tuesday..and I swear..this is not quite like I thought it would be. It's just...different, I guess. I can't go around fooling myself saying next year will be any better, though. However, I think of seclusion I could get at the highschool..and I love it. I think about how many people will be there..how man of them won't know me, and won't care. I love it. I'll be all alone. Well, 'cept for 'Lanna and Kenzy..and I'm glad they'll be there.
K...enough about school. Well, gotta talk about this thing..and it'll take place at school, so, oh well. We're (Me, Jacob, and Chris) starting a prayer group/bible study group at the school. Every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday we're going to meet out in the courtyard thingy and have a little lesson, and prayer, in hopes that some lost student will come to us. We're starting tomorrow..and I have to get a lesson thingy tonight..I wonder, really. I'm not sure what to do..but I think I'm going to start off with Paul in Philippians. That'll be cool.
And so on...how exaclty am I balancing emotions, you may ask. Everyday I walk into this house...praying for the next day to come. And I know I need to forgive them..and let things roll off..but its so hard. I just..it upsets me so much when he starts crap. And...as inferior as this may be...there's a new guy in the picture...UGH how I hate adolescence. Is it possible to like two people? I know nothing will ever happen between me and Matt..but I still want to hold on to what isn't there, and I hate that. As for the new guy..you'll have no information on that until I'm forced to tell someone else..then I might post about it.
Havn't been writing a whole lot..but I think I'm gonna do some tonight. Maybe while I'm watching FLCL or something. I need to do my Social Studies homework..and math..and Science..lol. Guess I'll do that in 3rd tomorrow. Well, 'cept for math..I have that homeroom, so I gotta do that tonight.
With that said..I'm gonna run off and do my math..and then get a shower, I stink because I went boarding this afternoon.
Mood: Err...one of those writing moods..but I really don't wanna..I might do another pop song...*GAG*
Music: "Goodbye To You" - Michelle Branch
Eats: None..-_-;;
Word of the day: Unrealistic
Saying/Lyric/Quote of the day: Would it hurt for the one person in this world to need me like I need them?
99999"> Oh..yay. Such a fun, fun day. Kenzy and Lauren spent the night last night...and we went to church this morning..which was...awkwardly..normal. Meaning, nothing exciting happened..it was just..another day. That's weird. It's not normally like that. Then...we came back to my house, and Me-n-Lauren went to Kenzy's to eat because her mom invited us. We hung out for a little while, then Mrs. Brenda dropped Lauren and myself off at my house, and we took Harlie to the school to see what teacher she got. UG...it was freakin hot. So..we came home...and...I got ready..and went to church.
SOMEONE...(no names) wasn't there..so I sat with Clara and a bunch of the little preppy people..and Clara got into my journal/notes book. -_-;; She read one of my journal entries..and started writing me this freaking long note that I havn't read yet. Oh well. So..then, at like, 7:30..the thingy ENDED. And Clara told me it was supposed to end at 8..so I had to sit..outside...and wait, and wait, and wait...but oh well. It's nice to ACTUALLY be alone in a public place, I suppose. (don't ask me what I mean by that)
Then I came home..and THE FREAKIN POWER WENT OUT!!!! *kills power plant* It scared the SNOT out of me...I started like...getting scared and stuff, because I'm afraid of the dark. It was funny.
When the power finally came back on..I got back on my computer. Only to discover that Megan saw Matt today..*dies* That is SOOO not fair!! *kick* Apparently, he had his hair all spiked up..which I know is dead sexy, lol. Yes..watch me run off into dream world.
OOOH!! I watched the Lizzie McGuire movie!! It was so freakin sweet!!! LIZZIE&GORDO FOREVER!!
Isn't it nice I had over half of my entry be happy? Or..atleast not Sad? Well...enjoy it..because from the looks of things, it won't be like this for long.
Mood: Ok..really wishing I had someone to talk to..
Music: "Ultimate" - Lindsay Lohan
Eats: None..just water
Word of the day: forever
Saying/Lyric/Quote of the day: "You're the kind of guy whose hands in mine send shivers up and down my spine." - Lindsay Lohan: Ultimate
Oh yay....I WROTE SOMETHING!!! *dances around* Yeah..it sorta sucks..probably would do better in pop, but oh well. I'll post it at the end of the entry.
Anywayz..today...didn't do much. Got up at like 9:30..talked for about an hour on the computer..then I had my quiet time. And then got back on my PC..only to stay on it until 2:20..and rush out of my house for my dentist appointment...lol. Ugh...I hate dentists.
Then, I came home, only to find that NO ONE could come to our little bible group thingy..erg. So..it was just Me, Devon, & Jenn. It was fun, tho. We made fun of all the cheerleaders that were there. hehe...that's so much fun.
Then..came home..to be sucked into the hole once more. Oh how I hate this. -_-;
Apparently, we're going school shopping..yes, she says,"You can get like a pair o pants and a shirt." Ok...so, I'll look new on the first day, lol. Oh well...guess it doesn't matter. Also..seems like they're filing for bankruptcy. And some check we're supposed to get in from like last week hasn't come. -_-' Those people at those freaking big companies in their cushy jobs don't realize how hard it is to live when YOU DON"T GET YOUR CHECKS ON TIME. *rolls eyes*
Yeah...so..with that said, I'm gonna post my thingy. I bet there's only one person other than myself who'll truly understand this. Enjoy my only poppy song.
I shiver from your touch
Oh this means so much
For you to hold me
Like you love me..
Forever
The things I do with you
I would never do
With any other
So I pray you're not untrue
Cause I love you,
Forver
I want to be with you,
Forever
I dream of us growing old
Together
Cause I love you
Forever
Everything about you drives me wild
Your scent, your eyes, your heart
Sometimes I feel just like a child
Wanting you to care about me
Wishing for you to love me
Forever
Cause I love you,
Forver
I want to be with you,
Forever
I dream of us growing old
Together
Cause I love you
Forever
Cause I love you,
Forver
I want to be with you,
Forever
I dream of us growing old
Together
Cause I love you
Only you,
Forever
Mood: Once again..anxious, and uneasy. This house still smells like cigarette and marijuana smoke and its driving me insane.
Music: "I Can Only Imagine" - Mercy Me (Yup..started squalling to this song tonight..so I had to listen to it some when I got home.)
Eats: None..just had some water.
Word of the day: Guilt
Ugh...I've got one of those sick feelings..like I'm going to gag or something. And...I feel horrible, because now someone else is upset over me..UGH.
Well...woke up this morning..and did nothing but stay on my computer until about 3. Learned some fascinating information about someone..(not allowed to tell who)that surprised me a WHOLE lot. I mean..I'm still reeling.
Then I got ready and stuff..did all my chores, and went to Youth Impact. It was totally awesome tonight..and I'm gonna go back over all my notes later. The music was awesome..(I'm really gonna miss Plumbline- them being the wonderful Chiristian punk band that they are)and the speaker (his name was Tony something..I don't remember) was cool too. But..like all other worship services..what I like most are the prayer times..they're so cool.
Yeah..and the thingy ended.. and we were walking out of the door..and Courtney ran up to me yelling "Groupie!!". Lol..I do have a name..I guess that one catches my attention better. She wanted me to talk to Whitney, atleast, I think..I couldn't really hear what was going on. So she ran and dragged her over to me..and they said some stuff as we walked out. Megan went on, and I stopped for a second, looked at Whitney and told her if she needed to say something important to do it quick..and she said something that stopped me dead in my tracks. She was so upset...ugh..I feel so guilty. She was upset because of me..scared I was going to hurt myself..scared something was going to happen to me..and it was all my fault. She was almost crying..but I had to run...or they'd leave me. So I did the only thing I could..told her bye, and left.
I cried all the way home..silently, which was obvious because they didn't say anything. Pulled up in my driveway..and I felt like dying right there..like..if someone would pull my plug, I'd be all the more happier. Erg...4 more days trapped in this hole..then I get out for a couple of hours Sunday..which I love. I want to go back to school..so I don't have to sit at my house all day. But..naturally, I had to leave..so I told Megan to tell what was bothering me..and I left, a little nervous. It's a good thing my mother had already gone to bed..or she would've seen my face...all puffy and tear stained. Ugh..I hate that.
Mood: Anxious..uneasy. I wanna get out of this house that reeks with the smell of smoked marijuana.
Music: "Sad Happy" - Cold
Eats: Just had a nasty fajita.
Word of the day: Disregarded (Yeah, that does have some significant meaning to the day, all of my words do, you just have to think about it or know what was going on.)
Saying/Lyric/Quote of the day: I live in a black hole..it sucks you in, and no matter what you do, no matter how hard you try, or how hard you scream for help, it sucks you deeper. (Yes, I said that..didn't steal it from anyone.)
The title of this entry has EVERYTHING to do with my day. However, no matter what trials I go through.. God would never put me in something I couldn't handle or wouldn't have good come out of it, so I still thank him for all.
Erg...I would love to say this day was better than yesterday..but I don't like to lie when it's not nessecary.
I'm still having urges to cut myself..I don't know why. I don't want to, really.. I know so many don't want me to either..yet, it's like an addiction. Even when I know it's bad for me, I just..ugh. I really don't want to describe it for fear of those reading this thinking of me as sick. I don't see it that way..I think I need help, yes, a friend that is there for me, someone to talk to- but I'm not sick. I hate it when people see me differently..like I'm gonna freak on 'em any second. I'm not.
Erg. Well, woke up this morning at about nine as usual..got up, sat down at my computer, and that's basically what I did from 9:30 to 2:00 except for bathroom and eating breaks. At 2:00, I got in the shower..needed to get clean for the coming night.
At about 6, my mom took me to Youth Impact, where I stood outside in the rain..just waiting for someone I knew. Finally..Megan showed up, but she's a lot like Whitney..when she shows up, people flock around. So I just sorta stood off to the side..and Jacob came up. I was sooo excited to see him. I've really missed him over the summer. And..we went inside..and I saw Clara..who wasn't exactly interested in my presence..then or after the service. So..I sat with Megan, which was inforced by her, and I don't think I've ever laughed so hard during a service in my life. They are soooooo funny..(craig and megan, that is..) And she gets mad because I laugh, which is funny too. But hey, if I were with some guy, and kept scooting closer and closer to him..and he wouldn't let go of my arm, she'd be dying too. Anyway...thingy ended, and we went out to wait on Mrs. Tyson. While outside looking for her, Whitney came out a set of doors, apparently because she saw me..which is sort of a first. Usually, I'm the one who sees her first. She came up to me and hugged me, asked if I was alright, to which I stupidly replied "no". Oh..if I hadn't said that. She automaticlly went into "what's wrong" mode..and I had to leave..cuz' Mrs. Tyson was there. Megan went off..and I stayed for just a second, and asked her if she remembered me telling her a while ago I used to cut..she said yes, and I told her to think about that. She gave me one of those sad looks, and wanted my number so she could call me tomorrow. I gave it to her..and ran off, so they wouldn't leave me. I tried to stay quiet on the way home..all the way silently dreading having to actually get out and go in my house. As forementioned..it's like a black hole. But, naturally, I was interrogated a little..all of which ended abruptly when she got a phone call.. so we got to my house, which was what I was dreading, and I got out..all the while wanting to run..anywhere but the house. I would've camped out in her back yard, had she let me. I thought about running off into the darkness..but that would've caused trouble, so I didn't. Just went into my room..sat down..curled up into a ball in my chair, and began to shake. 'Till Megan got on anyway, and I made the wonderful mistake of telling her what was going on. So I got into a discussion about my family that I wasn't really comfortable with. It ended quickly enough..with many things I didn't want known released. Then she got off..and here I am. Left in the abyss. However, did get some encouraging words from Courtney. Thanks much!
Mood: Erg..a little nervous.
Music: "My Last Breath" - Evanescence
Eats: None...-_-;;
Word of the day: Blade
Saying/Lyric/Quote of the day: "When everything feels like the movies, yeah you bleed just to know you're alive." - Goo Goo Dolls: Iris
Today wasn't exactly wonderful..however, what the Lord gives us we should treasure.
Yes, the entry title does have some meaning..lately, (even though I stopped a long time ago) I've been having these urges of cutting myself again. Yesterday, I got two new blades..and I wanted to do it so bad. That was before I went to Youth Impact, so it was like 5, I think. I called Clara to give myself something else to do. I don't understand this- it's not like I want to die or anything, it's like being addicted to a drug. It's like an adreniline rush or something.
Anyway..yesterday, didn't do much, went to Youth Impact at about 6:30. It's so awesome..I just wish I could put more of my mind on it. I'm so concerned about other crap right now. Afterwards, Clara dragged me into a little room beside the bathroom and forced me to talk to her. She's scared. She sees it differently, though. Like all of a sudden, I'm just gonna die or something. Not that I don't like being cared about, she's just seeing me as one of those sick people..as so many do. Like I need to be locked up in a mental hospital. She wants me to tell an adult. First, she was like, "Do your parents know?" All I could think was, "dumb question.. A better one would be, would they care?" Then she suggested me telling Mrs. Tyson..but she'd have to tell my parents, which would cause too much trouble for me to handle. I can tell you their theory right now, "Beat it out of her." That'd be just wonderful.
Anyway..all of this must be disturbing, so I'm going to focus on happy things, lol. Speaking of happy things..I called Matt yesterday, BUT HE DIDN'T ANSWER THE DANG PHONE. Made me so mad, lol. I get up the courage to call him, and he won't answer.
Ooh..other happy points, I wrote some more stuff. Yeah, the little poem beside the box here is new..I like it, I guess. It's neat.
