I've brought the weather with me...

Arrive from Brisbane by plane and smoothly transfer by bus to the city. The bus company then have a free shuttle to your hotel. At the same time I get a free "tour" of the center with which I am able to orientate myself with the centre of Melbourne. Bus driver can't find my hostel at first... things not helped when Lonely Planet guide has it marked on the wrong bit of the street. Eventually get there in the end.... Its certainly a big backpackers place... after a lengthy check-in queue I get to my room (not sharing this time) and get things unpacked to make in more homely. Have a bit of a rest then shower and then chance to explore locality and then have something to eat. Its a bit cloudy and windy and actually quite chilly relatively!!

Eyes bigger than...

Melbourne has a large Greek community (second largest "greek" city after Athens I once read!) so I thought I would go native and eat at a place recommended by the LP Guide called Stalactites... so known because of the decor and plaster effect on the ceiling. Looked like a Dr Who cave-scene set to me! I ended up ordering a mix of things as a starter platter and for main chicken and lamb carved off the spit (small portion I thought). How wrong of me. The portions were enormous and its hard work eating basically all that meat in a oner. I made as good a job as I could and left to head back to hostel.

The social event that night in the hostel bar was karaoke. Fairly ghastly attempts to sing were made... and not by me (for a change). Feeling still knackered by the Surfers social the night before I retire to bed.

Sicknote in Barmy Army charity match shocker

Today there is a game for charity between a Barmy Army "XI" and a team called Middle Park. Basically idea is turn up and get involved. So I did... a bit late to join the starting XI take the field as these trams aren't fast and I overshot the park a wee bit. (The pitch is in Albert Park within which the Grand Prix circuit loops. The road track seems almost too small for racing...)There's quite a crowd there and fair few cameras and media people... (it makes all the news that night on telly)

At about over 30 I get myself on the pitch to field... don't do much but its all done tidily enough. Don't get a chance to bowl though.... perhaps just as well. Middle Park top order had done some fearsome damage... off at 10 an over but as people got retired or deliberately got out they are kept to 276 off 40 overs.

The instruction from the Barmy Army captain is that its hit n run and swing at EVERYTHING... just like me playing for MDCC!... not. I'm due at first to come in at number 12 (the BA have "unlimited" batsmen!) then end up going in at number 17. About 100 needed for victory. I take 1 off that total. You couldn't be out first ball apparently and the umpire said that my first missed slog was in fact a plumb lbw. Single scored off typical swish/flick to leg. Back on strike and another attempt at that trusty slog to leg. Again plumb and this time out! Brief but fun. A load of local kids had joined in the fielding and there was about 12 slips and 5 backward points!! Eventually (with a bit of cheating) the Barmy Army get to 272 for ... wait for it... about 24 wickets I think. The scorebook had succumbed to the strain so no-one really knew!

Plenty of beer, cheer and BBQ-d snags were had... then the inevitable singing and then we all went to the clubhouse bar for more singing and jesting. A great day that will live with me a very long time. As will the roasted arms and neck...! Oops. Got a fair few good photos which the Barmy Army might use on their website if I can get them to them. Looks like there is a data transfer limit on this geocities website so my attempt to put many piccies up here may be curtailed a bit... sorry... but will work on a solution!. Cheers

A Barmy Xmas Carol

Well Xmas Day was spent in the company of the Barmy Army at a specially arranged Xmas lunch at an Irish Bar (PJ O'Briens) on the Southbank. It was very good fun and I ended up on a table of some nice and funny people. Lunch was a little slow to arrive but was good when it did... usual Xmas fare for me. As the drinking progressed so did the singing and there were excellant renditions of the full Barmy Army repetoire and some disco dancing. My feet are in fine form... I seem to be chief dancer. Funny enough the most vigorously danced to song was the Proclaimers (you know the one... has a title which might also feature as Australia's batting total too!!). Everyone is in good spirits and looking forward to the Boxing Day match. I just hope we all get up in time !!!

The Boxing Day Massacre...

Awoke surprisingly early but then semi-dozed in with the result that breakfast was rushed so I could get down to ground for 11am start. Had a minor panic earlier as the very safe place I had put my match pass proved ultra-safe for an increasingly stressful ten minutes searching. Thankfully ticket retrieved in the end. Got in just as play commenced. The MCG is an immense and most impressive stadium even with a bit missing for re-development. 65000 present apparantly. Australia won toss and are batting and attack immediately... Hayden (the run machine) hooks Caddick but has topped it a bit. If only Harmison was fielding at fine-leg right on the boundary rather than 10 yards in.... the day might have had a different outcome. England actually bowl not bad and by lunch Oz have only made steady progress rather than their normal fast start. 88 for 0 at lunch.

After lunch Langer, who had been a bit scratchy, just went ballistic and caught up with Hayden. There was a spell when it was 4-4-4-6-4 as White and Dawson (in partic) took some stick. I think after lunch they put on 93 runs in 13 overs. Game over already to be honest. Hayden has another spurt and gets to his hundred first. Then soon gets a bit ambitious and is caught off Caddick. Mass cheering and relief from the Army (who are fairly well concentrated in the lower part of the South Stand where I am ... but still vastly outnumbered as you would expect). The Army are not in good voice and attempts to get the chanting going don't really work out for long. Perhaps we all rather over did it with the Xmas lunch and partying. We are also probably a bit stunned by the slaughter going on in front of us. Oz fans are pretty lively as you can imagine- Melbourne fans are meant to be the worst as it happens... no great humour just loads of abuse and Aussie...Aussie Aussie... Oi Oi Oi. Plenty of stewards about. Langer reaches his hundred with a superb six of Dawson. Ponting and Martyn are dismissed by White who was my pick of England bowling. Harmison tried hard and had them in some discomfort at times. One definitely for the future. With dismissal of Martyn out strides Steve Waugh to a tremendous ovation... his place is apparently not secure any more according to the Aus selectors and this is the main talking point in Oz right now. If he has a point to prove he certainly made it today. 62 unbeaten in about as many balls. Though he did have Butcher bowling at him ... who he murdered! So at close Oz in very strong position.

A special shuttle bus takes us to a pub that's connected with PJs... I have some sort of VIP pass which I got at the Charity Game. Didn't seem to count for that much. Still we got some free food... Dim Sums, samosas etc . Have a couple of beers then head back to hostel. There's a Balti place close so go there for dinner... inside are loads of photos of cricketers (Beefy... Athers... Hansie.. Viv...etc etc) posing with the owner. 3 of Botham. I can only think the chef must had long gone as this was truly the most terrible Indian meal I have ever had as I believe Beefy is quite a fan of his Indian food. I only hope it doesn't come back to haunt me.

BA sticks it to Brett.....NO BALL !! Langer sticks it to us

Well the Aussie fairytale didn't totally happen on day 2. Steve Waugh didn't add many more before being dismissed off White. But then it was the Justin Langer show ably supported by a debutant who has been in the wings for ages and is another very fine bat, Martin Love. Langer just kept on going... finally out for 250. Love got an unbeaten half-century. Declaration at 551-6. Our turn.

It didn't start well ... Vaughany soon plays on to McGrath - Tresco gives McGill some stick but departs after looking promising, Butcher likewise.... its the same ol' story....What was different was that after his recent controversy about his bowling action again was the stick Brett Lee got from the Army... a big OOOOOOAAAAAHHH as he run up and a huge cry and mass signalling of a no-ball then song of "Brett Lee is a chucker.... Brett Lee is a chucker.... na na, na na!" etc. This went on for EVERY of his deliveries. I think it just inspired him to bowl faster... he was clocked at 97mph... the one he got Tresco with was very hasty. To give him his due he actually came down to field in front of the Army at one point. To be met with songs of "Have you ever bowled a ball???". He seemed at least to see the funny side - others didn't. Despite the score the BA were in very good voice.

Other thing of note was that the Hero of Melbourne 4 years ago, Dean Headly (yes we did use to win games in Oz now and then) was getting interviewed right next to us all. Got a photo taken with him. Seemed a nice chap. Took forever to get his interview done as picked a terrible spot on the terrace to do it - constantly interuupted by passing fans

At close the BA organisation had 2 buses laid on to take us back to the Turf Bar. It took some time and the trip back was fairly hilarious with us all hanging out of the bus - getting people to wave - singing songs - getting and giving abuse from passing Aussie crowd-the odd moon. In the bar- (heaving!) a wondrous rendition of the full BA song-sheet. I was on the Right side for THAT song you might hear (3 sections each sing We're the left side/middle/right side...ditto... we're the [side] over here! - then mass cry of "You're the Convicts! You're the Convicts! You're the Convicts over there!"- it can go on and on and on. You have to be there really, in pub or at game.

I decide to leave them all a bit earlier tonight and after shower and change head to Stalactites for Greek grub. The appetiser platter is enough for me and I head to bed ... quite tired. Haven't had a lie-in in ages... have to be up quite sharp to get washed, fed and sun-blocked in time to get down for the ground for start of play you see.

Sicknote is a "Disgrace"

Well having had brekkie I was most amused when looking at the back-page of the Australan "Herald and Sun" paper to see a headline of "Disgrace" and a photo of Brett Lee bowling with the picture focused on a section of the Barmy Army giving no-ball signs and my mug amongst them all. I wasn't signalling, honest. One of the BA characters (an older guy called Jimmy Saville... [whether it is his real name I am not sure but he does look like THE Jimmy!] who has this big blue England top-hat and St G shirt on plus flag and has been on a few tours and is very popular with the Army)... where was I? ... oh yes... called out to me jokingly as I passed him ... "You're a Disgrace, son!". I'm fairly recognisable as I have been wearing this broad-brimmed bush-man hat and increasingly bushy goatee. Had got chatting to Jimmy last night... have a fair few photos of him from the charity game and the Test so hope to send them to him.

England get rapidly rolled over in the heat, bar an excellant knock of 85 from Craig White... left stranded... not helped by brainless shot from Caddick heaving at Gillespie. Foster showed some promise with bat. It is a real scorcher today - up to 35 but no breeze at all. I retire to some shade... its too sweaty.

England follow on and at first it looks promising with both Tresco and Vaughan knocking it about. Its great to watch and we cheer heartedly. Have the radio on and just as Aussie commentators are praising Tresco's better feet movement and thinking that perhaps today will be the start of a big one for him he's out lbw (unluckily they say) to McGill the leggy in for the injured Warney. Butcher doesn't last long either. Same ol' story. Vaughan gets his half-century and is still there with Nasser who had another of those torturously long 3rd Umpire decisions about a stumping. Huge cries when Not Out of "Same ol' Aussies... Always Cheating" from the Army.

More singing and banter. I wonder at times whether any of these lot watch the cricket in front of them ! A long way to come to constantly barrack and taunt Aussies. Each to their own.

At close I give the Army and the Pub a miss and go to explore the Melbourne Botanical Gardens that are close by. Very nice. Alan Bennell of RBG would faint no doubt. I look a bit of a tink wandering around as I had earlier had a moment with a fizzy juice bottle. It fairly exploded when I opened it and I have a nice pattern of random orange down the front of my white BA T-shirt. Attempt to hide it with my camera. Teach me not to stick to beer!

Tonight will venture to the South Bank complex... Crown Entertainment thing... hopefully might catch a late show of the Lord of the Rings Two Towers if they have a late one. Writing this diary (last 2 days stuff) has eaten up enough noshing time.... so cheerybye.---addendum... Lord of the Rings was ace... even at 3am !!!

Well have a few days to catch-up so will do a large chunk in one go....

Day 4 of the Test is very much Englands day with a magnificent 145 from Vaughan... he was destroying MacGill so it was a real shame he got out just as he was in the "zone".....Key got a 50 too so we went pased the Aussies... the Army was going mental with songs like "you've gotta bat again...." etc etc. So a lead posted of sorts. That night went along to the Army adopted pub... people in good cheer... ended up having to explain cricket to a number of US servicemen... boy it were hard going... used as much baseball similarities as I could. Also informed them what Britain was i.e. not all England... they had asked. So at least some US navy guys go back to the gulf better informed of world affairs etc.

Day 5 .... was 5 minutes late getting in worse luck... missed Hayden out first ball of the day. The atmosphere was just fantastic as Aussie wickets tumbled. The Steve Waugh "innings" - out "3" times an incredible passage of cricket. None of them heard the edge for THAT ball Alec Tudor told me when I bumped into him later because apparantly we were making so much noise. Eventually the Aussies squeezed home. We gave the boys a great ovation and they cam along the boundary to see us all and thank us. Got to shake the gifted hand of Michael Vaughan, 2002 leading Test Match run-scorer in the world.

Take the usual laid-on bus to Turf Bar where lots of singing etc... then wander up to PJs with others including "Jimmy Saville" ... who keeps on getting his mug in the papers because of his England top-hat and flag and cheerleading role! In PJs are half the England team having a guinness... so we sing the 12 Days of Xmas song... our version ... "On the xx day of Xmas my Nassar said to me...12 weeks of drinking, 11 fit players, 10 aussie wickets... 9 short for warny, 8 all the pies, 7 saucy sheilas, 6 Brett Lee chuckers, 5 haemarhoids! . 4 Vaughan runs, 3 proud lions, 2 cheating umpires AND A WIN AT THE (S)MCG !!!" The "farmers" reference for Hayden... Warne on 491 wickets to add bit of explanation. The england players didn't uite no what to make of it all- if you were after a quiet pint lads don't go to a pub which has been BA freindly and advertised as such!! They warmed to the Michael Vaughan songs of praise.. MV raised his glass on many occasions. They all joined in the end into the Right side... Left side song eventually so fair credit. I decided to wander off for a couple of hours to see odd sights... Art complex etc. came back later. Still pretty busy.

New Years Eve dawned... a day to catch up on sight seeing at last as feel haven't really seen enough of Melbourne and guess what... it is tipping it down. Manage to get to the Victoria Market which is really interesting and buy shorts, socks and undies (so can put the washing off for a few more days!!), have some nice battered sea-food and the most delicious freshly squeezed fruit juices for lunch from the market. Edge thru the monsoon to Melbourne Museum which is excellant then round Carlton suburb where there is lovely cafes etc. These are the places I should have been getting out to to find the decent grub in Melbourne really. Head into town to buy a ticket to the New Year Eve party in PJs... might still be some Barmy Army around though most I know went to Sydney today. Bit too late to get into Aquarium so head on tram down to St Kilda which is the beach bit and a bit bohemian. Find a good cafe and have the most splendid meal... at last Melbourne is feeding me properly. Or rather I am going to the right bits. The sun has also come out too as I tuck into my chargrilled baby octopus entree followed by pan-seared king prawns on bed on rice in chilli and garlic sauce. Yum indeed. Washed down with a lovely local red vino... Perfect. wander along the prom for a bit then head to change and get to PJ OBrien's pub for the bash.

The Southbank is pretty busy ... its one of the better spots to see the Melb fireworks along the river. PJs is packed but no BA to be seen- lots of locals!!. I wore a BA shirt so get plenty of attention - all of it very friendly... we are v well received by the aussies and quite a legend in their Press . Then a Mr Saville in a suit(!) approaches me. No-one recognises him without his big hat and flag. We have a great time ! Fireworks aren't bad ... probably better at Sydney I suppose or even back in Edinburgh. We party on to small hours and have a really good night. Someone nicked the Wee Jimmie joke hat I had though!!!

Next day I have a few hours to kill before getting the plane so go back to the Museum to see the Explore Mars bit which has a 3-D video simulation of a flight to Mars which is amazing. Have a wander up to Fitzroy to see the cafes etc along that bit. Then time to go back collect things and get to airport and onwards to Sydney....