| Keeping it Together By Kasey Natalie was dreaming again. The same dream that had begun to haunt her every night. Jeremy being torn from her grip, his voice calling to her from oblivion. She sat bolt upright and looked around. IT wasn�t a fog or a bus she saw, but a tangled mess of sheets and her alarm clock, which read 4:30 A.M. She sighed. There would be no more sleep for her tonight. She was getting less and less sleep every night as it was, so she hated getting up so early, but she couldn�t help it. She knew if she tried to slip into sleep again, she would only lie there. Lie there and mourn for the tragedy, for the loss, for the pain she�d suffered. Standing up, a wave of memories hit her. Memories of waking up in Jeremy�s arms. Of dinners together after the show. Of viewing his body at the funeral. Natalie shook her head in an attempt to dissipate the painful images which haunted her even more than the dreams. Yes, it had been a long three months, she decided. There was no doubt she would�ve lost her sanity a dozen times if not for her friends. Dana, Casey, Dan...ah, Dan, with his spiky brown hair and deep brown eyes... �Get ahold of your self!� Natalie scolded herself. �You�re not in love with Dan!� She left for work around 9:00. It was an hour before she had to be there, but if she stayed at her apartment any longer, she�d be climbing the walls. Not that she wasn�t at the office. To her surprise, Dana was already at work in her office when Natalie got there. She walked to the doorway. �Knock, knock?� Dana looked up in surprise. �Natalie? Why are you here so early?� �Couldn�t sleep.� �The dream again?� Dana asked, her face creased with concern. Natalie nodded. �Yeah.� �Are you okay? �Dana, do you realize that you�ve asked me that at least seven times every day for the past 93 days?� �And you still haven�t answered,� Dana pointed out. Natalie sighed and rolled her eyes. �I. Am. Fine. Happy?� �Not unless you�re telling me the truth.� �Dana, you don�t have to worry about me. I�m keeping it together. After all, that�s what we women do. Now onto more important things,� Natalie said, abruptly changing the subject. �The Casey situation.� �Would you stop calling it a situation?� Dana asked irritably. �It�s not a situation!� �Dana, I named it a year ago. Trust me. It�s definitely a situation.� �At least you�re not mentioning certain other anniversaries,� Dana muttered. �Huh? Oh...six months since Gordon...which is exactly why today is the perfect day to talk to Casey!� �I totally agree,� said a familiar voice from behind them. Dan stood in the doorway and stifled a yawn. �Sheesh...I get here half an hour early and you�re STILL here! How come women are always up before me?� �It�s because some of us have work to do and the rest of us are being haunted by dreams which they refuse to acknowledge as a problem,� Dana said sarcastically. Natalie glared at her. �Still? Nat, are you okay?� Dan asked. �Yeah. I�m okay,� Natalie said tolerantly. �Now how come you answered HIM nicely by insist on being sarcastic to me?� Dana asked indignantly. Natalie shrugged. �Hey, Nat, could you come with me a sec?� Dan asked. �Sure. See you later, Dana.� She walked out at Dan�s side to his office. �What�s up, Dan?� �I didn�t want to put you on the spot back there, but I was wondering if maybe you wanted to have dinner with me after the show tonight. I just found this great place last week, an Italian place on ninth. What do you say?� �Dan, I...I can�t. I�d love to, but I just...� �Not like a date,� he said reassuringly. �Just like two friends having a good time after work.� �I don�t know, Dan...I just don�t think I can...� �Because you�d feel disloyal and all that?� Dan asked understandingly. �I guess...I mean, I want to go, but in my mind I can�t. He was the only person I�d ever had dinner with after the show. And it sort of feels wrong to extend that to other people.� She could only hope he understood and didn�t just think she was blowing him off. He did. �No problem. I remember Sam and I always used to go to Orioles games, and after he died, it took me awhile to go back. I totally get it. Anyway, the invitation�s open any time,� he said breezily. �You can go if you have work to do.� �No, I-�. It was the weirdest thing. Natalie suddenly felt this urge to fling herself into Dan�s arms and hug him. But she didn�t. �I want to thank you for being there for me these past months. I know I�ve pushed you away, but you didn�t desert me. I�m eternally grateful.� �It was no big deal. I just did what any good friend would do.� �I.� She couldn�t help it anymore. Without realizing what she was doing, she leapt into Dan�s arms. He was shocked, but he still wrapped his arms tightly around her. Sure, they�d hugged before, but only when she�d been sobbing uncontrollably. This sudden embrace wasn�t typical at all. Natalie pulled back, shocked at herself. She ran into the newsroom, blushing furiously. �Natalie!� Dan called out after her. She didn�t look back. He sighed. No one knew what was going on with Natalie anymore. She wasn�t in her silent state, but she still wouldn�t let many people in on what was up. And, Dan thought, if I had to hazard a guess, Even Nat doesn�t know what�s going on with Nat. Casey walked in then and saw a dazed Dan standing in the office. �What happened to Natalie? She�s blushing as red as a tomato and wouldn�t even say hello to me...Dan? Earth to Dan?� He snapped out of his trance. �Oh, hi, Casey.� �Daydreaming about women again?� Casey teased. �Yeah,� he said. �I guess you could say that. * * * Natalie managed to avoid Dan the rest of the day. It would�ve been too embarrassing for her. What had she been thinking? She wasn�t in love with Dan...She KNEW she wasn�t in love with Dan. But a voice in her head said something that scared her. Maybe she was wrong. And the only other thing she knew was that she was not ready to love again. And that was certain. Dana entered the editing room, where Natalie was sitting and thinking, jolting her from her thoughts. �Hey, Dana, can I ask you something?� �Sure, Natalie, what�s up?� Dana asked suspiciously. �If before you found out about Gordon and Sally and Casey, something had happened to Gordon, would have felt guilty about kissing Casey?� �What? Start from the beginning. What�s wrong?� �I don�t know what�s wrong. I mean, it�s been more than three months, I should be okay with him now...he�d say it�s past the statute of limitations anyway...but part of me still feels like it�s wrong and yet in my heart I want nothing more than to be over the whole thing, but I can�t. What do you think?� Natalie rambled on. Dana�s face was blank. �Uh...could you repeat the question?� Natalie sighed. �Never mind.� �Five minutes to air, first team in the studio, please,� the intercom crackled. �That�s our cue,� Natalie said, mentally breathing a sigh of relief. �Explain this to me after the show,� Dana said pleadingly. �It�s nothing, Dana, don�t worry about it,� Natalie said breezily, walking to the control room. �If only I could,� Dana whispered, then slipped back into her �Power-house Producer� mode and set off to do her job. * * * �We�re out,� Dave said as the ending credits rolled. �Hey, guys, El Perro Fumondo is having Giant Blue Marguerita Night again,� Casey announced through his microphone. �I�m in!� Dana said instantly. �I am determined to show you people I can drink one WITHOUT dancing on the table to �My Boogie Shoes�.� �I�ll be betting money against you, Dana,� Dan said. They all moved into the newsroom, grabbed their coats, and got ready to go. �Nat, you coming?� Casey asked. She glanced nervously at Dan. �no thanks. I�m really tired, I think I�ll just go to sleep.� Natalie walked to her car and started her drive home. She turned on the stereo and was frozen at the lyrics she heard. I try to smile so the hurt won�t show, Tell everybody it�s okay to see you go. But the tears just won�t go away, Loneliness found me, looks like it�s here to stay. I know that I ought to find someone new, But all I find is myself always thinking of you. Natalie flicked the radio off in disgust. Every time she managed to forget about it momentarily, something came along and slapped her in the face. She reached her garage, parked, and walked to her apartment. Walking in and seeing the three boxes of things from Jeremy�s apartment still snapped another string in her. A book on top of one of them caught her eye, and she picked it up. It was an old college Literature book, all battered, worn, and dog-eared. It automatically flipped to a page near the middle, which contained the end of a poem. For the moon never beams without bringing me dreams of the beautiful Annabel Lee. And the stars never rise, but I feel the bright eyes of the beautiful Annabel Lee... Natalie slammed the book shut and dropped it back into the box. She was sick and tired of being slapped around by memories. She just couldn�t take it anymore. She went to her medicine cabinet and, pulling out a full bottle of asprin, attempted to, for only the second time in her life and the second time since Jeremy�s death, to end her pain. * * * After Dana got the gang kicked out of the bar again, they headed back to the building to �dance without persecution�, as the drunken Dana put it. They party had basically broken up around 2, but Casey still was going to have to drive Dana home. �Hey, Danny, her briefcase is on her desk, could you get it?� �Sure,� Dan said, already on his way as he said it. As he picked up the briefcase, he noticed Dana�s answering machine was blinking. �Now, I remember her checking it before we went to the bar, so who could be calling so late?� Pressing play, he heard a voice that stopped his heart. It was a groggy, disoriented-sounding Natalie pleading for help. �$#it,� Danny muttered, dropping Dana�s briefcase and dashing to the newsroom. �Dan, where-� Casey started. �Nat�s in some sort of trouble. Take Dana to your apartment, and I�ll call you there once I see if she�s okay,� he said, already half-way to the elevator. He got to Natalie�s apartment, and the door was unlocked. Odd, he thought, she always locks it before she goes to sleep. he opened it and called to her as he searched her apartment. �Natalie? Are you okay? Nat?� As he passed the bathroom, he heart ragged, shallow breathing. The door was wide open, and he could see Natalie passed out on the floor, an empty pill bottle in her hand. �Oh my God,� he gasped, going over the options in his head. He could drive her to the ER himself, but she could die on the way. Or... He dashed to the living room, picked up the phone, and dialed 911. * * * The first voice Natalie heard belonged to Danny. She was amazed at how worried he sounded, even from the comforting warmth of oblivion. What�s he doing here? she wondered. Oh well, doesn�t matter, she answered back to herself. Her eyes snapped open. She was lying flat on her back, tubes coming out of her chest, bright lights over her head, beeping machines all around. Where am I? she wondered. There were a few people in white clothes in the room. They were wearing masks, so she didn�t know who they were, but maybe they could answer her question. But as she tried to ask, no sound came from her mouth. Her throat felt dry and cottony. One of the white-shirted people noticed her open eyes. �I think she�s back with us,� he said. �Dan,� Natalie tried to say. �Where�s Dan?� �Have her friends suit up and bring them in,� she heard someone say. A few minutes later, three masked yet familiar faces appeared over her. Dana, Casey, and Dan. �Oh my God, Natalie, are you okay?� Dana asked panickedly. By then, the cottony-dry feeling in her mouth was gone enough that Natalie could provide a raspy answer. �Yeah...I think so...where am I?� �ICU. You�ve been here about ten hours,� Casey told her. �What happened?� she asked, her memory failing her. �You almost died on an OD of painkiller,� Dana said quietly. �But how did you find me?� �You called Dana in a delirious panic. I was getting her stuff so Casey could take her home. I checked her message...the one from you. I went to your apartment and found you nearly dead on your bathroom floor,� Dan said. Natalie could tell he was trying to to cry, though it was hard for him. It was amazing the things she could tell from their eyes alone. She knew, for instance, from Dana�s eyes that behind her mask, she was biting her lower lip to try to stay somewhat in control. �What happened, Nat?� Casey asked gently, but Dana broke in. �Yeah. What happened? What were you thinking?! You gave me a heart attack, and I can�t even imagine what Dan-� Dan held up his hands to silence Dana. �Don�t do that, Dana. Natalie obviously has enough to deal with without you piling more on her shoulders.� She fell silent, and Natalie said a silent think you to Dan. She could only imagine what would�ve happened if Dana had been the one to find her instead of Dan. There would�ve been TWO nearly-dead bodies on the floor instead of just one. Natalie felt sleep pulling her in once more. She struggled to keep her eyes open, but to no avail. Her eyelids closed, as if pulled by an unknown force, darkness enveloping her once more. She woke up just after five, asking when she could go home. A doctor came in, suited up as everyone else in the ICU. He introduced himself as Dr. Hutchinson, and he assured her that, while she would have to be held for observation overnight, she could be released the next morning, provided her vitals stayed stable. He also promised she would be moved to a private room within the hour before he was called away to an emergency.l Natalie sighed. At least she could watch the show, even if she couldn�t help produce it. True to Dr. Hutchinson�s word, she was moved to a private room about half an hour later. At six, it occurred to her that she should call the gang and tell them she was okay and would be in the next day. She decided to bypass Dana�s machine and just call the conference room. They were sure to be having a rundown, unless Dana had a dinner engagement she hadn�t mentioned. And who cared if Dana was getting good vibes from the meeting again? Elliot answered after the first ring. �Conference Room.� �Hey, Elliot, it�s me, could you put Dana on for a second, please?� �Sure thing, Natalie, hold on a second.� �Hello? Natalie?� she heard Dana�s worried voice on the other end. �I�m fine, Dana, chill. They�re not letting me out til tomorrow, but I�ll be in sometime just after the noon rundown, k?� �So...you�re okay then?� she asked worriedly. �Apparently. Sorry for interrupting the meeting.� �It�s fine. Do you want me to stop by there? I could, you know,� Dana offered. �You don�t have to,� Natalie said, suddenly realizing how big and empty the room felt. �Your first priority is the show, THEN me.� �I guess,� Dana said doubtfully. �Listen, I should go, but call me later, okay?� �You bet. See you tomorrow, Dana,� she said, hanging up. Dana hung up the conference room phone, sighed, and looked up at the eight worried faces around her. �She�s coming home tomorrow,� Dana informed them in a breezy tone. �Item seven?� �Did she say anything?� Dan prodded. �Not really. Just that she�s fine and coming home then. She promised to call me later, I�ll find out more then. Can we please continue?� she asked impatiently, and the meeting continued as usual. After the rundown, Dana went straight back to her office. To her surprise, when she turned around, twin shadows were following her. �Dan, Casey, what are you doing in my office?� �We want to talk to Natalie when she calls, plus Danny has a guilty conscience,� Casey announced. Dan glared at him. �What now, Dan?� Dana asked annoyedly. �I was the reason she didn�t go with us last night to �El Smoking Dog�, and probably part of the reason she was so upset.� �Dan, this was over Jeremy, not-� Dana started to say, but Dan cut her off. �I asked her dinner.� �You did WHAT?!� Dana exploded. �I asked her if she wanted to go with me to that new Italian place on ninth. Not as a date, just friends. She said now, I said okay and that I understood because I did,� Dan explained. �So what happened that�s making you blame yourself?� Dana asked, not understanding. �That�s not the whole story,� Dan said. �I...she hugged me and I hugged her back and then she got embarrassed and was afraid to face me the rest of the day and THAT�S why she didn�t come with us to El Perro Fumondo and how she ended up sitting alone at her apartment and getting depressed,� he blurted out without taking a breath. �Danny, that�s not your fault,� Dana protested. �She�s not depressed over you, she�s still not over...you know...� �But still.� �Dana�s right, Dan, it wasn�t your fault-�Casey started to say, but he was cut off by the phone ringing. Dana scooped up the receiver. �Hello?� There was a pause, then she said, �Hey, Natalie, the guys are here, so I�m gonna put you on speakerphone, okay?� She pressed a button and set down the receiver. Seconds later, Natalie�s weak yet upbeat voice could be heard. �Hey, guys, how�s the show?� �Great. Course you better get back to make sure,� Casey teased. �Believe me, I wish I could. But I should be there around noon tomorrow,� she said, sighing a little. �Feeling better, Nat?� Dan asked. �Some...I�m still kinda groggy. Probably won�t have a headache for a long time, though,� Natalie joked weakly. Casey, Dana, and Natalie carried on a conversation for almost ten minutes before Natalie finally asked �Isn�t Dan still there?� �Yeah,� he said semi-shyly and in a very Un-Dan-like voice. �Shoot...I have to go. Vitals time. I�ll talk to you guys when I get there tomorrow, okay?� Natalie asked. They all said their good-byes and then hung up. �Well, she seems to be back to normal,� Casey said brightly. Dana still wore a troubled expression. �I don�t know. She still worries me. I mean, we had no idea she was getting depressed again...how do we know she�s really okay?� �We just have to take her word for it. And I know it�s hard, and I don�t like it either, Dana, but if we�re too overprotective, she�ll push us away even more,� Casey said, anticipating Dana�s next comment. �She�s gonna be okay, Dana. You have to keep believing that. Because if you don�t, you end up making everyone crazy. Including yourself.� Dana nodded, tears of worry clouding her eyes. �It�s just...Natalie�s my best friend. If anything happened to her...� Dana let it hang, knowing all too well that they could fill in the rest. Danny was still sitting on Dana�s red couch, staring at the ground. Pondering thoughts as Dana�s fears and Casey�s consolations to her floated around him. Dana�s right, he thought, in more ways than one. I guess maybe it wasn�t my fault, and I know she�s still grieving for Jeremy. But also...what would I do without Nat? We�ve had a bond since day one...over two years ago. And if I don�t do anything, I may lose her forever. * * * Natalie didn�t want anyone to notice her as she crept into the newsroom, headed for Dana�s office. Luckily, on a Thursday at one, there was about as much activity as on a Tuesday at noon. She didn�t want all the questioning looks, the worried inquiries...it was to be avoided at all costs. She tiptoes past Dan and Casey�s office, but Dan spotted her. �Natalie! You�re back! Come in a sec, would you?� Sighing, she stepped inside, shutting the door behind her. �What�s up?� �I should ask you the same thing...� Natalie started to speak, but he cut her off. �...but I�m not going to. I will ask you one question and I want you to answer it truthfully. Are you okay?� Natalie was about to say something persnickety when she stopped. �Not really,� she said, looking down. �What�s wrong, Nat? I want to help, but I can�t unless I know what�s wrong.� �I..I know it�s been more than three months, and I know I should be over it by now...I WANT to be over it...but I�m not. I wanted so badly to go with you to the Italian restaurant, but I couldn�t. I wanted to be able to hug you without a voice inside me saying it�s wrong. I want...I want to be able to walk into my bedroom every night without feeling like crying because of the memories. I want to stop being haunted by his ghost,� she said, tears of frustration running down her face. �But every time I turn around, there it is. During the show, at night as I lie there and stare up at my ceiling...every time I look at you and want to kiss you or ask you if you want to go to dinner after the show. I can�t do it anymore!� she cried. Dan moved forward tentatively to hug her. She sobbed into his shirt and hue just held her close and stroked her hair. Natalie, I understand totally. I�ve been paranoid about driving since I was eighteen. I couldn�t stand to go home because it felt so empty without Sam there. You�re not simply going nuts, you�re grieving. I know it hurts, but you eventually have to move on.� Natalie raised her head from his chest to look at him. �You�re amazing, you know that? You should be a therapist or something. Seriously.� �Nah, I wouldn�t say amazing. Good looking, considerably cooler than Casey, yes, but not amazing. I�m just Dan, doer of good things where women are concerned.� �That you are,� Natalie said smiling. �That you are.� |