Coming Unglued Natalie skipped into work the day after her night off with even more perkiness than usual. As Dana passed, she fell into step beside her. "Hi, Dana!" "Hi, Natalie... you really should switch to decaf," Dana said, yawning. She'd never been a morning person, and even ten o'clock was too early after being on the air �til midnight. "It's not the coffee," Natalie said, grinning. She reached up to tuck her hair behind her ear. Only then did Dana notice a diamond ring glittering from Natalie's ring finger on her left hand. "Natalie!" Dana gasped, grabbing the ringed finger. "Are you and Jeremy-?" Natalie grinned wider and nodded. "Yeah. And he was so sweet about it, too. After dinner, we went walking in Central Park. And after awhile he suggested we sit on the edge of one of the fountains. So I sat, but instead of sitting beside me, he got down on one knee. So I'm like, 'What are you doing?' And he opens a ring box and says, 'I'm asking if you, Natalie Shaw Hurley, will marry me.' So then-" "Shaw?" Dana echoed. "I didn't even remember you HAD a middle name!" "Okay, I do. So then I'm like 'of course!' and then we went back to my apartment and-� "Woah, way too much information! But congrats, Natalie!" Dana beamed, copying Natalie's grin. Just then Casey rushed in. "Sorry I'm late but there was this bus accident on thirty-ninth and the traffic was awful and..." he stopped, seeing Natalie and Dana's twin idiot smiles. "What's up, guys?" Natalie held up her left hand where he could see it. "Engaged? That's great, Nat!" He said, hugging her. "He proposed last night?" "Yep!" "Awesome! Hey, I'm gonna go try and find him and congratulate him too. See you guys later!" he said, rushing off. Isaac walked through the newsroom. "Good morning, Dana, Natalie. Did you guys hear about that awful bus accident? Fifteen of the twenty-seven people on board were killed when the bus was hit broadside by a shipment truck. One of the people killed was a former relief pitcher for the Yankees. We should get the story in as a quick feature. Thirty seconds max.� "Will do, Isaac,� Dana said. "But we have good news. Natalie's engaged!" "Congratulations, Natalie!" She just grinned wider, which was barely possible. "Hey, Isaac, have you seen Jeremy yet this morning?" Natalie asked. "No. Haven�t you?" Dana piped up. "He�s probably just stuck in traffic like Casey was. He comes up thirty-ninth, doesn't he?" "Yeah. I�m just glad he doesn't take the..." Natalie grew pale. Her eyeliner looked much too dark all of a sudden. "What?" Dana asked frightenedly It was a few seconds before Natalie spoke. When she did, it was barely audible. "His car's in the shop. And his ankle's been bothering him lately. And he hates taxis." "Oh, Natalie, I'm sure he's fine." she said reassuringly "Yeah." Natalie nodded. "I'm gonna go talk to Dan, k?" She skipped off, choosing to turn her mind to more pleasant thoughts. He's fine, she thought. There's more than one bus he could've taken. She kept telling herself that until the noon rundown. Still no Jeremy. She kept looking at his empty place as if she could will him to her. As the meeting was breaking up, Isaac walked over to Dana. "Dana, can I see you in my office right now?" "Sure, what's up?" "In my office," he said, and when they reached his office, he shut the door behind them. "This is about Jeremy, isn't it?" Dana asked in a terrified, very un-Danalike voice. "And it's not good." "He wasn't on the side the truck hit, but his ribcage was crushed by the other bodies being slammed against him. One rib punctured his lung; another punctured his heart. He was dead by the time he got to the ER." He looked so much older than his sixty-odd years, his face creased with sorrow, his shoulders sagging slightly, as if he didn�t have the energy to stand upright. "Oh my God," Dana gasped, in a barely audible voice, tears rolling down her cheeks. "Poor Natalie..." "I have to go get her now. You wait here. She needs someone to be with her when she finds out, and you've been her best friend for the past two years." He left, and returned a minute later with a frightened Natalie. Dana stood beside her as Isaac told the story, though leaving out the exact reason he died. Natalie�s knees gave way, and Dana caught her inches above the floor. She was sobbing uncontrollably. �No! It wasn�t him! He...I know! I�ll call him on his cell phone!� �Natalie,� Dana said trying to stop her. Isaac pulled her back. �She needs to do this, Dana. Until she can accept the reality that he�s gone, she can�t move on.� On the phone, Natalie was leaving a message on Jeremy�s voicemail. �Hey, sweetie, I was just wondering where you were...making sure you were okay. Call me when you get the message.� She hung up. �He�ll call. I�ll wait by the phone, and you�ll see. He�ll call,� she said, storming out. And she waited by the phone. And waited. And waited. But by the ten o�clock rundown, even she was starting to acknowledge he was gone. And the looks everyone gave her at the meeting clinched it. Jeremy was dead. Just like that. Gone. Forever. She made it through the show well enough, which surprised Dana. Natalie managed to switch her brain to autopilot and do what needed to be done. She looked at his empty chair. She walked out and saw his desk. Still looking perfectly normal. A letter to Louise in an envelope with a stamp., Ready to be mailed. She picked it up and held it for a long time. She opened it; then read it. A short letter, by Jeremy�s standards. And most of it was family stuff, so she skimmed that. But the last paragraph caught her attention. �I�m going to propose to Natalie tomorrow. We both have the night off, and I already have the ring. I really hope she says yes, otherwise I�ll be pretty embarrassed AND be out a lot of money.� �I can�t do this,� she whispered to no one at all as she rifled through her desk, trying to find what Jeremy had given her after the Chris Patrick fiasco. Then she found it. He�d given it to her so he wouldn�t have to worry about her. Now, no one would. * * * Dana stood at the center of Dan�s office, arguing with him. �Dan, I know Natalie better than you do. And what she needs right now is to be with people and keep busy.� �Dana, all I�m saying is that when Sam died, I couldn�t be near people. It made me crazy.� �In the meantime, I�m going to be there for her and let her crash at my place for a few days.� �That�s fine. I�m just saying.� �Well, thank you, Danny the Psychiatrist.� Dana rolled her eyes and walked out, hoping Natalie hadn�t left yet. �Hey, I took Psych 101 and attended class on one or two occasions!� he said defensively. As Dana walked through the dark newsroom, she heard a sound she had come to recognize as the sound of a gun being cocked, followed by ragged, frightened-sounding breathing. �Natalie?!� she called desperately into the darkness. �Natalie!� She flicked on the lights to reveal Natalie standing by Jeremy�s desk. Holding a hand gun to the side of her head. �Natalie, no!� Dana said firmly. �Don�t do this.� �Dana, I can�t do ANYTHING, not my job, not my LIFE, without him. This is the only way,� she said, gasping for breath. Dana stepped toward her. �Natalie, give me the gun.� Natalie shook her head. �Natalie, please. Think about what you�re going through. Do you want to do that to all of us? Just give me the gun,� Dana pleaded, holding out her hand. After a few long seconds, Natalie sighed and handed it to her. Dana set down the gun and hugged the sobbing Natalie. �Come with me, Natalie. Stay at my place for a few days. You shouldn�t be alone right now.� Natalie nodded and followed Dana obediently, first to the car, then to the apartment. She sat on the couch and looked up on the wall above the T.V. at Dana�s many photo attempts. The gang just as Isaac got back from his stroke. Dan and Casey playing their improv baseball using a pen and a ball of paper. Her and Jeremy. She hadn�t noticed Dana joining her on the couch. But as Dana handed her scotch, she realized she was glad to be able to get drunk at that exact moment. But it was the next day she was dreading. The funeral. When she had called Jeremy�s mother after the rundown, she had asked Natalie to say a few words. Both agreed that Jeremy would�ve wanted her to. �What am I going to say?� Natalie wondered aloud. Dana turned to look at her. �What are you going to say when?� she asked. �His mom wants me to �say a few words� at the service,� Natalie said, staring into her scotch. Dana looked shocked. �Natalie, you didn�t even tell me you talked to her.� �Yeah...between the rundown and the show.� She looked so pained that Dana set down her scotch and hugged her. Natalie started sobbing again. �What am I going to do, Dana? I mean, just 24 hours ago we were planning our life and now he�s dead. And not only do I not know how to deal, but the one who would usually show me how to deal is the one who - I mean, you�re great, but you freaked out when your camera didn�t work right,� she said, pointing at the photos on the wall. They smiled the slightest bit as they remembered Dana�s nervous breakdown. �Hey, it wasn�t my best day.� �Yeah. You and Gordon. Worked out for the better, though.� �How do you figure?� Dana asked with a sly glance at Natalie. �Well, you know how you said you were in love with Gordon publicly? Now that you�re, well, NOT, the person who you WERE secretly in love with is automatically moved up to the �person-whom-I�m-openly-in-love-with� slot!� Natalie said with a small grin. �Don�t start on that again! Jeez, don�t you forget anything?� Natalie shook her head, her grin slowly disappearing. �Never. Not even if I try,� she said in a tiny voice. Dana looked at her watch. �It�s getting late. We should get some sleep. Tomorrow�s a big day for all of us.� �All?� �Yeah, the whole Sports Night team. Sally�s crew�s covering, which is making her ecstatic,� Dana said dryly at the mention of Sally. Natalie nodded. �Yeah,� she said, standing and walking to the guestroom. Dana started to her own room. �Oh, and Natalie, wake me up whenever. I mean it,� she said before closing her door. Natalie laid down, listening to the eerie silence. Watching the shadows on the wall, she suddenly felt very young. And more alone than ever. She was standing in a blue fog. And someone was calling her name. She looked around for who it was, then saw him standing off to the side, a silhouette at first, then completely visible. Jeremy. � I love you, Natalie,� he said. �And I always will.� She ran to hug him. All of a sudden, a bus came roaring past, knocking him into oblivion. But his voice was still there. �Natalie! Natalie!� �Natalie! Natalie, wake up!� Dana said, shaking her. �Uhhh....� Natalie blinked up at Dana�s worried face above her own. �Dana? What time is it?� �Late. Were you having a nightmare or something? I mean, I know it sounds like something I�d say to my niece, but you screamed so loud...� she was rambling. Typical Dana worry in her voice. �Yeah. I guess I did,� Natalie said, sitting up shakily. �Definitely at least a ten on an awful dream scale.� �About Jeremy?� Dana asked, her blue eyes filled with concern. Natalie nodded. �Are you okay? I�m really worried about you.� Natalie considered for a moment. �Dream-related, yeah. Emotionally, well...� �No one�s asking you to be tough, Natalie. We�ll be here for you. You know why?� Natalie shook her head. �Because you have friends. And this is what we do.� She smiled. �Come on, lay back down,� Dana said as though she were speaking to a small child. Natalie did, but Dana was still sitting on the edge of the bed. Seeing Natalie�s puzzled expression, she said, �I�ll just sit here a few minutes, okay?� �I�m not your baby sitting charge, Dana. You don�t have to do this.� �Yes I do. Because even we women can come unglued.� What great friends I have, thought Natalie, her eyelids growing heavy. Dana sat by Natalie�s bed all night. Maybe she was paranoid. Maybe she was overprotective. Maybe she just fell asleep before she had a chance to go to her own room. But whatever the reason, when Natalie woke up the next morning, Dana was still in the chair by the bed. She got up and crept to the kitchen to make coffee, not wanting to wake up Dana. She�s lost enough sleep over me already, Natalie thought. And I have to wake her up in an hour anyway. She knew the drill. At nine, they were meeting at the building, where the limos would drive them to Boston. The funeral would be at 2, then the burial, then they�d all come home and life would go on as normal. Just without Jeremy. She sat at Dana�s kitchen table, drinking coffee, and pondering what words she could say to describe the man who�d meant so much to her. �I thought I told you to wake me up when you got up.� Dana�s voice made her jump. �Oh�sorry...I was going to let you sleep as long as possible. Since I woke you up last night and all.� �How long have you been awake?� �Only about half an hour. I got up at seven. You want some coffee?� Dana stifled a yawn. �Sure. Coffee is good.� �Okay, I think I�ll hit the shower now, then go home and get clothes. I mean, if you don�t care-� �Sure. Fine. You need anything to wear?� �Nah...I�m sure I have something in my closet somewhere.� And so, after she was done with her shower, Natalie walked the five blocks to her own apartment. She turned the key and flung open the door. Everything was as it was before. It was the one thing that hadn�t changed. She walked to her bedroom and opened the closet. His shirts were still hanging neatly on one end. And somehow that cut the one string that was holding her together. But she managed to pick out a simple black dress and shoes and carry those, along with her make up, to Dana�s. She stepped inside. �Dana?� she called. Dana walked out, dressed and with makeup partially done. �Hey, you�re back. Why don�t you go change and then we�ll leave, okay?� �Sure,� Natalie said, heading to the guestroom. She got dressed, then stood contemplating her makeup in front of the dresser mirror. Anything to make her look less depressed. And no mascara, that would be a dead giveaway. But eventually she finished and stepped out into Dana�s living room Dana looked at her. �Oh, Natalie, if Jeremy could see you now...� She hadn�t meant to say it, the words had just flown out. Natalie nodded as Dana grabbed her car keys. �Let�s go.� They were the last ones to arrive at the CSC building. The others, Chris, Will, Dave, Elliot, Kim, Isaac, Dan, and Casey, were all milling around quietly. The atmosphere grew even more hushed as they saw Natalie and Dana approach. Natalie somehow managed to look not as depressed as she had the previous night, Dan noticed, eyeing her simple dress with its flowing black skirt that ended just above her ankle tattoo which she rarely showed. The cars were waiting at the curb. Kim and Elliot together, Chris and Will (and God pity the driver of that car!), Dave and Isaac. Natalie pulled Casey aside as he was about to get in the car with Dan. �Casey, ride with Dana.� Casey looked shocked. �Natalie, are you sure you don�t want to ride with her? I mean, she�s your best friend...� Natalie shook her head. �Dana shouldn�t need to worry about me all the time. I�ll ride with Dan. I mean, if that�s okay with him.� �Sure,� Dan piped up from inside the car. �Whatever you want, Nat.� Casey looked from Natalie to Dan to Dana. �See you there, I guess,� he said, shrugging and walking to the last car where Dana was sitting impatiently. Natalie slid in next to Dan and all the cars started out. �Natalie, is there something you want to talk about, or do you just feel like playing matchmaker today?� Dan asked gently as their car pulled onto the freeway. She looked at him. �Giving Dana some time off from being my baby sitter.� �Natalie, we�re all worried about you because we know what he meant to you. Besides, we�re your friends. And we just want to help.� �I know, and I�m grateful for you guys. But Dana�s so overly worried she�s gonna give herself a heart attack.� �Nat, trust me on this one. I�ve been there, remember? First night at college, a call from Mom and Dad saying Sam was dead. And I know how much it hurts, how no one treats you the same right now, but eventually it hurts less.� He patted the seat next to him and she slid over. She leaned her head against his chest, and he hugged her. �Like Jeremy would�ve if he could�ve.� She thought. He�d always warned Dan to take care of her whenever he knew he was going to be away for a few days, like when his parents were getting divorced. She found it strangely reassuring that Dan was keeping his promise to protect her. �It�s gonna be okay eventually, Nat. May take weeks, could take months, but it will be. And all of us will be here for you until then. Me, Dana, Casey, Isaac...Just tell us what you need and we�ll do our best to make it happen.� �What I need,� she said in a strangled voice,� is Jeremy. And no one can make that possible.� �I know that,� Dan said in a quiet voice, sounding as though he�d let her down in some way. Natalie started to sob again, and Dan just hugged her tighter. He didn�t say it would be okay, because she didn�t know it would be. He didn�t tell her not to cry because he knew better than anyone that it was the only way she�d ever be able to live again. He just hugged her tightly, softly stoking her hair. Not romantically, just as a long-time friend. Natalie pulled away, looking angry with herself. �I�m sorry, I shouldn�t have-� Dan cut her off. �You have nothing to be sorry for.� �But I screwed up your shirt.� �It�s not a problem, Natalie. Crying is a necessary part of grieving. And grieving is a necessary part of the experience. Because if you don�t� grieve, if you just ignore your emotions and keep it all bottled up inside, you�re headed for a nervous breakdown. I know from experience, and it�s not fun. I was in denial for like a year after Sam�s...accident. And I ended up in psychotherapy.� He smiled a little since Natalie looked so stricken. �You just can�t be afraid to let it all out.� And so the drive wore on. The limos pulled p to the temple where the service was to be, and suddenly all confidence she�d built up was gone. She turned to Danny. �I can�t do this,� she said in a panicked whisper. He just took her arm and guided her from the car to the temple. Standing just inside the door were Louise and Michael. It was amazing how similar Michael looked like Jeremy, just without the glasses. Though Natalie had seen them both before, she hadn�t noticed it until that moment. �Guys...I�m so sorry about Jeremy,� she said. �Natalie, so good to see you again,� Michael said warmly. �Likewise...too bad it has to be under these circumstances.� �Yeah...is the whole crew here?� he asked, wide-eyed at the five limos waiting outside. Natalie nodded. �Just about...he was special to all of us.� �Especially you, though,� Louise said oddly, her lack of hearing affecting her speech. �Of course. He was my fianc�, and I loved him so much...� Natalie choked out through her closing throat. �Fianc�?� �Oh...yeah...he proposed the night before last...twelve hours before he-� Natalie could see Dana waiting for her. Not so patiently. �I should go. But I�ll talk to you guys later, okay?� she asked, moving over to Dana, who was standing with Casey, Dan, and Isaac. �What�s up?� �Where do you want to sit?� Casey asked. �We�ll be right with you.� �Wherever. Kinda near the front, I guess.� And that is how she ended up sandwiched between Dana and Dan, Casey and Isaac on either side of them, as they wheeled in the casket. They brought it up to the front of the room and opened it. And it was then that Natalie almost passed out. She could feel Dana�s grip tighten on her hand and Dan go rigid in his seat. Jeremy looked the same as ever. He looked asleep. The service began, and the sounds of sobs filled the air, many of them coming from the �CSC Executive Row�. When the rabbi announced that the eulogy portion would be an open time for anyone who wished to speak, Natalie stood. She walked on wobbly legs to the front and turned to address the crowd. �Jeremy Goodwin was a great guy; smart, intuitive, romantic, and every other quality you could want in a person. He knew what the right thing to do was, and he did it. He was the sweetest guy I�ve ever met. And sad as I am that he�s gone, his legacy remains. Because, as he touched each of our lives, he taught us. And each of us carries a small piece of him in ourselves as well as in our hearts.� She walked back to an awed Dan, Casey, Isaac, and Dana. And THEN she came unglued. At the end of the service, it was announced that there would be final viewing before the burial. Row by row, the people filed past the casket, then walked out side. Each of the group walked by: Isaac first, his face grim, then a teary Dana, then Natalie. As she passed, she stopped for a moment. She took off her engagement ring and set it on his chest. �I love you, Jeremy,� she whispered, then walked out at Dan�s side. Casey joined them on her other side. �You okay, Nat?� he whispered. �I guess.� The burial was short. At the end, they said a prayer in Hebrew, which she heard Isaac whispering. Odd. And then they got back in the cars and went back to the city they called home. Natalie stared out the window at the passing landscape. Everyone was happening too fast. She jumped as Dan touched her shoulder. �Are you okay, Nat?� �Yes,� she said shortly. �I mean really. Dana told me about last night.� �Which part? The one where I tried to end my suffering or the one where I had a nightmare and she sat by my bed all night?� she asked bitterly. �Don�t get persnickety. We�re worried about you.� He looked hurt. �Don�t be.� And so the ride wore on in silence. They got to the CSC building and Natalie rode to Dana�s apartment with her. She told Dana she was tired and went to the guestroom while Dana stayed out at the T.V. to see if Sally screwed something up. That way she could throw it in Sally�s face the next time Sally tried to get her job. But instead of sleeping, Natalie just stared into space and let everything of the past two days seep into her brain. And as she thought, her numbness was take over by pain. It hurt so bad. If this is what if feels like to lose someone, she thought, imagine the pain when all my friends are dead. Dan, Casey, Dana...this pain times four. Unless....if I�m not as close to them, it won�t hurt so much. She decided that was the best idea. And a far better plan than Casey�s. Napoleon�s. Whoever�s. When she woke up the next morning, it was 7:30. After a quick shower, she decided to start already on her �distance = less pain� plan. Scrawling a note so Dana wouldn�t have a heart attack, she headed off to work. * * * Around nine that night, Casey stepped into Dana�s office. �Hey, Dana, can I ask you something?� �Casey, I�m kinda busy-� �Dana, it�s important.� His grave tone made Dana put down her clipboard and look him in the eye. �What?� �Is it just me, or is Natalie acting really weird today?� �Casey, Jeremy just died, of course she�s going to be-� �That�s not what I mean. She hasn�t said more than five words to everyone in this building combined. She�s still dressed in black. And anytime she sees Dan or me, she runs in the other direction. Did she say anything to you this morning?� �No.� �You�re SURE?� �Casey, she left before I was even awake. She left me a note.� Casey looked thoughtful for a moment. �You don�t think she�s mad because we�re trying to help, do you? Dan said she said something to him yesterday about feeling smothered.� �Maybe...let�s just give her some space. Maybe that�s what she needs.� But nothing changed in those next few weeks as far as Natalie was concerned. She still stayed away from everyone, spoke only for show-related things, and wore so much black that Dana thought she must�ve robbed Hot Topic. One month to the day of Jeremy�s death, Dana went to Casey and Dan in their office before the show. �We�re gonna find out what�s wrong with Natalie tonight after the show. I�ll call a senior staff meeting in Isaac�s office, but I already told Kim and Elliot not to come. Then we ask Natalie what�s up. And why she�s pushing all of us away.� Dan and Casey agreed, and surely enough, after the show, Dana�s voice came into everyone�s headsets. �Senior Staff meeting in Isaac�s office right now.� Natalie walked out before anyone could ask her a question or walk with her. Operation Distance was still underway. Dana, Casey, and Dan walked into the office together. Natalie stood facing the window, Isaac sitting at his desk. �Natalie, turn around,� Isaac said firmly. She complied. �Where are Kim and Elliot?� �I told them to go home,� Dana said. Natalie looked puzzled. �Then what-?� �What�s going on, Nat?� Dan asked. �I mean, the black works and all, but not all the time.� �And I can�t remember the last time you said more than three words to anyone of us, other than �should we move Boston to the five-block?� � Casey piped up. �Every time you see one of us, you run off in the other direction,� Dana said, her voice full of worry. �What did we do wrong, Natalie?� �Nothing,� she said shortly. �Then why won�t you talk to us?� Dana asked meekly, her eyes wounded. �Because-� Natalie hesitated. �BecauseifI�mnotclosetoyouthenitwon�thurtsomuchwhen somethinghappenstoyou.� �What?!� Dana, Casey, and Isaac all said at once. But Dan just nodded understandingly. �Dan, wait, you actually understood what she said?� Casey asked. He nodded again. �She thinks that if she�s not as close to us, then it won�t be as painful when we�re gone. Am I right, Nat?� Natalie nodded and looked at the ground. �Yeah.� Dana still looked confused. �Natalie, why?� �Because the pain was so bad when he died. And I thought about how much it would hurt if something happened to each of you. And I knew I couldn�t-� she paused as a sob escaped. �So I thought if I wasn�t so close to you...� �Natalie, come here,� Dan said. She walked over to him and he hugged her. It wasn�t a surprise to Dana or Casey that Dan would take over. He�d always been very close to Natalie, though no one really knew why. Besides, Dan had been there. �Natalie, listen. Pushing people away doesn�t make it easier. You just hurt every day in the meantime because loneliness is a powerful force. And the people who are your real friends stuck around anyway. � �Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.� You know why?� Natalie shook her head. �No regrets. You won�t wonder if you could�ve been married or could�ve had a best friend. And I know it hurts right now, but the pain will go away if you let it. And you�ll move on. And someday you�ll meet another guy you love. And we�ll be there for you all the way. Know why?� Again she shook her head. �Because we know you�d do the same for us.� �Thanks,� she said quietly. Then louder, �C�mon, let�s go have a drink or something.� Dan, Dana, and Casey looked at each other. �She�s back!� I really do have great friends, Natalie thought, as they all walked out into the crisp New York City night. |