| Back to Before By Kasey I sat in the dark theater barely watching the musical unfold before me. Normally I would�ve been completely intrigued, but other things were on my mind. Gordon shifted in the seat next to me. I�d begged him to go to a play with me. He would�ve preferred going to a quiet dinner, then going back to one of our apartments. Which usually found mo problem with me. But at the same time, it tended to get old. Especially when I wasn�t sure whether or not he really loved me. I sighed inwardly. Things had been strained ever since he�d given me the ultimatum of me dumping the show or him dumping me. We didn�t see as much of each other, and when we did, we barely spoke. He told me to do something, I complied like a young child, and that was the end of it. For some reason, I was snapped out of my revery by a song. And as I listened, I realized the lyrics were very appropriate. There was a time our happiness seemed never-ending I was so sure that where we were headed was right. Life was a road, so certain and straight and unbending, Our little road with never a crossroads in sight. Back in the days when we spoke in civilized voices, Women in white and sturdy young men at the oar. Back in the days when I let you make all my choices. We can never go back to before. �That�s for sure,� I thought. More and more, I was having doubts about �us�. Things had been very good after the skiing trip, but ever since he�d broken our date for dinner and a late show at Rainbow and Stars, he�d seemed more distant than usual. And more demanding, impatient, like when Fedrigotti took Samprass to a fifth set. There was a time my feet were so solidly planted � You�d sail away while I turned my back to the sea. I was content, a princess asleep and enchanted. If I had dreams, then I let you dream them for me. It was the story of my life. Or, at least, the story of me and Gordon. I didn�t mind when he worked late, or at any rate, I didn�t go over there and demand that he drop everything to go to dinner with me. Not a week later, he did just that to me. I�d resented him for it, but he�d eventually managed to convince me it was right. That was one thing about him I was becoming increasingly annoyed about � his ability to double-talk his way out of any situation with me. Back in the days when everything seemed so much clearer � Women in white who knew what their lives held in store. Where are they now, those women who stared from the mirror? We can never go back to before. He had such set views of what a perfect woman should be, I realized. The perfect woman was subordinate to him, willing to drop everything if he so commanded her. Which was the opposite of me, who had worked constantly to eventually get a show like Sports Night. I lived for the show, and the people there, who were my family. Gordon never understood that, not ever. His old-fashioned views got in the way. There are people out there unafraid of revealing That they might have a feeling Or they might have been wrong. There are people out there unafraid to feel sorrow, Unafraid of tomorrow, Unafraid to be weak, Unafraid to be strong. He never let me express anything. If I ever did, he would point out everything about it that was wrong. And God forbid I should like my job � more like �Gordon forbid.� There was a time when you were the person in motion � I was your wife, it never occurred to want more. You were my sky, my room, and my stars and my ocean. We can never go back to before! Those words ran through my head for the rest of the show, and I barely noticed anything � even when the musician guy got shot to the moon. I flinched slightly, but I barely knew it happened. As soon as the lights went up, Gordon turned to me. �Dana? Honey?� He shook my arm gently, snapping me from my thoughts. �Let�s go home, okay?� But �home�, I knew he meant his apartment. We would make love, then go to sleep, then go our separate ways in the morning, after making plans for dinner or something after the show came down, but my heart wouldn�t be in it, and my mind would be a million miles away. Things would go back to how they had been lately. But we could never go back to before. |