Ep307

Episode 3.07
�The Phantom of the Studio�
Written by Kasey M. Dunton

Teaser
(Open with a �Previously on Sports Night�, and continue the end of the previous episode (falling turkey) with what follows. Everyone is as they were when 3.06 left off, with Dana, Dan, and Casey staring at the falling turkey.)

NATALIE:
(On the microphone) Are you guys okay out there?!

DANA:
(Beat. She�s clearly unnerved by the falling poultry.) I�Yeah. We�re fine.

JEREMY:
(On the microphone.) I thought you said you weren�t making dinner.

DANA:
I�m not, thank you very much.

DAN:
Then what�s this?

DANA:
I don�t know!

CASEY:
Dana, calm down.

DANA:
Calm down? Calm down? A frozen turkey falls from my light grid when it wasn�t my fault and nearly beans my two anchors which, again, wasn�t my fault this time, and your advice is to calm down?!

DAVE:
(Over mic.) Calm down and get out of the shot.

DANA:
What?

DAVE:
(Mic.) We�re back in thirty.

DANA:
(She gives a sort of yelp, then looks around frantically.) What do I do with this bird?

DAN:
I would take it with you.

DANA:
And do what with it?

CASEY:
Just take it from the anchor desk, we�ll feast later.

DANA:
How can you think of �

DAVE:
(Mic.) Dana!

(Dana scurries back to the control room, then remembers the turkey and dashes back out, grabs it, and heads back to the control room, setting the turkey by her chair.)

DAVE:
Back in 3�2�

ELLIOT:
What was with the turkey?

JEREMY:
She wasn�t bewaring of Thespis.

DANA:
I was bewaring of Thespis!

JEREMY:
You obviously weren�t.

DANA:
I was! I really was!

JEREMY:
If you were, that wouldn�t have happened.

NATALIE:
He�s got a point, Dana.

DANA:
Stay quiet.

NATALIE:
Why?

DANA:
Because I don�t want to hear from you when you�re right and I�m wrong.

NATALIE:
Go figure. But y�know what?

DANA:
Not gonna happen?

NATALIE:
Exactly.

DANA:
Should�ve figured.

NATALIE:
Yes.

(Fade to commercial. End Teaser.)

Act I
(Re-open on the control room. Very little time has passed while were in commercial, Dana keeps glancing at the frozen turkey beside her, which sparks the next conversation.)

ELLIOT:
How do you think the turkey got up there?

DANA:
I don�t know.

KIM:
I thought you said you weren�t �

DANA:
I�m not cooking, I didn�t put it up there, why would anyone thing it was a good idea to put a turkey on a light grid?

(Everyone turns to look at her.)

DANA:
Okay, so it seemed like such at the time.

JEREMY:
It got up there because of the magical powers of Thespis on his special day.

DANA:
Would you knock it off with that?

CHRIS:
It really could be.

WILL:
No, it couldn�t.

CHRIS:
And why not?

WILL:
Because it�s not only very unlikely, it�s a stupid idea.

JEREMY:
Thank you very much.

WILL:
The idea that a ghost has magical powers on a special date?

CHRIS:
What�s wrong with that?

WILL:
Like it�s realistic?

CHRIS:
Your mother told you no Santa Clause when you were like two, didn�t she?

(Cut to: The desk, Night I. It�s obviously between segments, and Dan and Casey � as they always do � strike up an interesting conversation.)

DAN:
Where could the roses have gone?

CASEY:
Dan.

DAN:
No, seriously. They just�sprouted and walked off?

CASEY:
The sprouted and walked off?

DAN:
Hm?

CASEY:
That�s what you said.

DAN:
So?

CASEY:
So roses are a plant, they would have sprouted at some point.

DAN:
I didn�t say what they sprouted?

CASEY:
No.

DAN:
I didn�t say they sprouted legs and walked off?

CASEY:
The word �legs� was not to be found.

DAN:
I meant to say that.

CASEY:
You didn�t.

DAN:
I didn�t mean to?

CASEY:
You didn�t say it.

DAN:
Apparently.

CASEY:
Still, now you�ve left me with a funny visual.

DAN:
But not an answer.

CASEY:
I didn�t know there was a question.

DAN:
The question of where have all the flowers gone?

(Casey snickers.)

DAN:
What?

CASEY:
First John Denver, now �Where Have all the Flowers Gone�?

DAN:
What are you talking about?

CASEY:
It�s a song. Katarina Witt figure-skated to it in the 1994 Olympics in Lillehamer.

DAN:
Frightening that you know that.

CASEY:
Oh, it was beautiful.

DAN:
Don�t talk to me.

CASEY:
Anyway.

DAN:
What were we talking about?

CASEY:
Who knows?

DAN:
Okay.

(Momentary silence.)

CASEY:
So I notice you didn�t get ME anything for our anniversary.

DAN:
Right.

CASEY:
I get you roses, �here, Dan, happy anniversary�, and then�nothin�.

DAN:
Right. Casey, you didn�t actually make your presence known in such a way.

CASEY:
That�s hardly the point right now.

DAN:
I think it is.

CASEY:
It�s such a point that I don�t get a gift?

DAN:
Nah, that was just �cause I didn�t feel like it.

CASEY:
You forgot, didn�t you?

DAN:
I did not forget.

CASEY:
You forgot today was our anniversary.

DAN:
I did not.

CASEY:
(Pretending to be wounded.) That�s okay, I understand�

DAN:
I didn�t forget.

CASEY:
So you just don�t love me anymore.

DAN:
Okay. That was crossing that line between gay and�well, not.

CASEY:
There�s an actual line?

DAN:
Yes indeed.

CASEY:
And I crossed it?

DAN:
With that line right there.

CASEY:
You realize you just used the word �line� in two different ways and completely confused me?

DAN:
Yeah, well, with you it doesn�t take much.

(Cut to: Control room, same timeframe.)

ELLIOT:
Y�know how the turkey could�ve gotten up there?

DANA:
(Dryly.) It climbed?

ELLIOT:
Maybe, but that�s not what I was thinking.

DANA:
I was kidding.

ELLIOT:
Okay.

DANA:
Really.

ELLIOT:
I believe you.

DANA:
Please don�t tell me you actually thought I thought that a turkey which is clearly frozen and unable to climb at all managed to climb to the top of the light grid.

ELLIOT:
Right.

DANA:
I�m just saying, why would I actually think �

NATALIE:
Could you let Elliot finish?

DANA:
Okay.

ELLIOT:
I think it might�ve been JJ.

DANA:
The turkey?

KIM:
I think he means who put the turkey up there.

JEREMY:
Could go either way.

NATALIE:
Why would JJ put a turkey up in the light grid?

WILL
Revenge.

CHRIS:
One last joke on the show to see it fail before he�s completely booted.

ELLIOT:
Valid possibility.

DANA:
Aw, c�mon, it wasn�t JJ.

KIM:
It could�ve been JJ.

DANA:
I�m saying it wouldn�t have been him.

WILL:
Why not?

NATALIE:
For one thing he�s afraid of heights.

CHRIS:
How do you know that?

NATALIE:
I don�t, but it sounds like a logical reason as to why he wouldn�t have been the one to put the turkey up there.

JEREMY:
You were trying to back up Dana?

NATALIE:
Absolutely.

JEREMY:
Why don�t you ever do that for me?

NATALIE:
Because I don�t work for you.

JEREMY:
Ah.

DANA:
I personally found it to be a good reason.

JEREMY:
Yeah, you would.

(She gapes at him, then glares.)

JEREMY:
I rest my case.

ELLIOT:
Why wouldn�t it have been JJ?

DANA:
C�mon. I mean, JJ may be a�netwitt, an ass-kissing lunatic who expects us to make lemonade from some water and a pinch of sugar, but he�s not the type to pull some lame trick like that.

(JJ walks in and stands behind Dana. All of the lower row of techies � who have turned to watch Dana speak � see him and try to warn Dana.)

DANA:
I mean, maybe he is a complete jerk who doesn�t know what he�s talking about �

DAVE:
Dana �

DANA:
(Cont.) �And who acts like he can do whatever he wants because he�s employed directly by Sachs. First of all, Sachs is gone now, second of all, who wasn�t employed by Sachs?

NATALIE:
(Seeing JJ.) Dana�

DANA:
(She holds up her hand to silence Natalie.) But y�know what? He�s done now, his curtain has closed, his sun has set, he is gone from our lives, let him have his one last hurrah, slime-sucking snail that he is.

JJ:
(Finally speaking up.) Thanks for your generosity.

DANA:
(She freezes, then turns slowly.) Hey, JJ, how ya doin�?

(Fade to Commercial. End Act I.)

Act II
(Fade in on the control room, right where we left off. Dana is looking innocently up at JJ, who�s standing behind her, and everyone�s holding a sort of silent breath, hoping he doesn�t just up and fire her��cept he doesn�t have that power anymore, technically.)

JJ:
Good to see you again, Dana.

DANA:
Listen, JJ, I didn�t �

JJ:
Realize I was listening. I know. Or at least, I got that assumption.

DANA:
I was actually going to say �mean for you to hear that�, but okay.

JJ:
What did you mean, �one last hurrah�?

DANA:
Well, I just thought�

JJ:
Just thought what?

DANA:
I mean, what with your being fired and all�

JJ:
My what?

DANA:
I�m sorry?

JJ:
You were under the impression that I had been fired?

DANA:
(Deadpan.) You mean you weren�t?

NATALIE:
(Whispering to Dana.) I told you doing a dance of joy was jinxing it.

JJ:
(Having overheard.) Dance of joy?

NATALIE:
Did I say dance of joy? I meant � er�

JJ:
I see.

DANA:
Then what was with the phone call I got?

JJ:
What phone call?

DANA:
I got a call saying you�d been fired.

JJ:
From who?

DANA:
(Automatically.) Whom.

JJ:
Don�t correct me.

DANA:
Like that�s gonna happen.

JJ:
From whom?

DANA:
A guy in personnel.

JJ:
Who in personnel?

DANA:
I don�t know.

JJ:
And you have the nerve to call me stupid?

DANA:
I believe the word was idiotic, actually, but that�s neither here nor there.

JJ:
Actually, yes it is.

DANA:
Which one?

JJ:
I�m sorry?

DANA:
Is it here? Or is it there?

JEREMY:
(Chiming in.) In a box? Or with a fox?

NATALIE:
(Gleefully) I do not like Green Eggs and Ham �

JJ:
I�ve had enough games.

DANA:
So have I, and I want to know what�s going on! (She smacks Jeremy�s shoulder.)

JEREMY:
Ow! Why�d you hit ME?

DANA:
He�s your wonder-ghost, you call him off.

JEREMY:
He�s not my �

DANA:
Call him off.

JEREMY:
Thespis isn�t a dog, Dana.

DANA:
I don�t know about that, I�ve yet to see him.

JJ:
Guys.

(Sam Donovan walks in.)

SAM:
Hey, guys.

GROUP:
(Adlib.) Hey, Sam/Hello/�Sup/Etc.

SAM:
Hello, John Jacob.

JJ:
(Tightly.) It�s JJ. Not Jim-Bob, not John Jacob, JJ!

SAM:
Okay. (He smiles and shrugs.) What�s going on?

JJ:
Keep her on a leash or something, would you? (He points at Dana.)

DANA:
Excuse me?

SAM:
No can do.

JJ:
Surely you can.

SAM:
No, I can�t. (He smiles.)

NATALIE:
And don�t call him Shirley.

(Everyone looks at her, with raised eyebrows.)

NATALIE:
Couldn�t help it.

SAM:
Nah, she�s too headstrong for that.

JJ:
Can�t you �

DANA:
I�m not a puppy, thank you very much, but thank you for talking to me instead of about me.

SAM:
If you�ll excuse us, I�m pretty sure these guys have a show to do, so please.

JJ:
Please what?

EVERYONE:
Please LEAVE!

(JJ rolls his eyes before opening the door, exiting, and slamming it so hard the window shatters.)

DAN:
(From the desk, they�re in c-break.) What was THAT?!

DANA:
Nothing. Just takin� care of business.

ELLIOT:
Does anyone smell smoke?

DANA:
Do I smell smoke? No�

NATALIE:
You smell smoke?

(Chris and Will turn back to face the sound board.)

CHRIS:
Uh, guys?

WILL:
Slight problem.

DANA:
What KIND of problem?

CHRIS:
A firey sort of problem.

(Chris and Will scoot their chairs back to reveal the sound board�s giving off smoke.)

DANA:
Someone get a fire extinguisher, would you?!

(Elliot rushes off to do so.)

DANA:
The sound board�s on fire and not only does no one notice, but when they DO notice, no one thinks to go get something with which to put the fire OUT?!

(She looks around, most of the people sorta smile guiltily.)

(Elliot arrives with a fire extinguisher and Chris quickly sprays it.)

WILL:
Is it out?

CHRIS:
I don�t know.

DAVE:
Yes.

DANA:
Thank God.

DAVE:
But there�s a problem.

DANA:
We no longer have graphics or sound.

DAVE:
Right.

DANA:
This is fun.

KIM:
Really? Because I was just thinking �

NATALIE:
She was kidding, Kim.

KIM:
Right.

DANA:
(Into the microphone.) Okay, guys, there�s a slight problem�

DAN:
(On monitor.) There don�t seem to be any slight problems tonight�

DANA:
We don�t� have sound or graphics.

CASEY:
Why not?

JEREMY:
She didn�t beware of Thespis.

CASEY:
Ah.

DANA:
So you�ve gotta wing the last five minutes.

DAN:
No problem. We can stretch it.

NATALIE:
You guys have a twenty second closer. And you�re gonna stretch THAT into five minutes?

CASEY:
Sure.

DANA:
Just�whatever. For now. Whatever.

DAN:
Cool.

DANA:
Not really, but okay.

ELLIOT:
(Watching the feed from another monitor.) Guys, listen to this�

DANA:
Listen to what?

KIM:
(She�s been watching the same thing.) It just took the ESPN guy ten tries to say �First Round Draft Pick.�

DANA:
Like Danny and his Wed Wings?

KIM:
Exactly.

ELLIOT:
Only worse.

JEREMY:
�But I heard Thespis say as he walked into the snow, �happy Thespis day to all and to all a good show�.�

DANA:
What was that?

NATALIE:
His Thespis poem.

DANA:
He has a Thespis poem?

NATALIE:
He has a Thespis poem.

DANA:
So it would seem, yes.

WILL:
Hey! The board�s working!

DANA:
Haha! We have triumphed again!

NATALIE:
Dana, were you talking to anyone right there?

DANA:
Not really.

NATALIE:
Good.

(They continue conversation as we pan back to a slightly aerial view. Mocking the �Wishing you Happy Holidays� on most shows, we see a script-written �Wishing you a Happy Thespis Day� across the screen, before we:)

(Fade to logo. End Act II.)