Ep306

Episode 3.06
�The Return of Flying Poultry�
By Kasey M. Dunton

Teaser
(We open from the SN logo on a bouquet of red roses, Day I. Pull back just enough to show hands carefully arranging them to near perfection. Then pull back a little more to show that it�s Casey who�s been arranging the roses, which are sitting on the table in his office.)

NATALIE:
(Poking her head in the door) Time�s up?

CASEY:
You saw -?

NATALIE:
Kim did.

CASEY:
Really?

NATALIE:
Yeah.

CASEY:
Okay.

(With a final touch on the roses, Casey joins Natalie and they walk through the newsroom.)

NATALIE:
So this is important to you?

CASEY:
Very important.

NATALIE:
I don�t get why-?

CASEY:
It�s an anniversary gift.

NATALIE:
Ah. Okay.

(As they walk through, they pass a grumbling Jeremy. He joins with them as they continue to walk through.)

JEREMY:
I can�t believe they�re making us do a show on Thanksgiving.

NATALIE:
Neither can I, but y�know what?

JEREMY:
What?

NATALIE:
The ship has sailed, I�m no longer the guy to talk to about it. In fact, I never WAS the guy to talk to about it, that was Dana, who claimed it was Isaac who we should talk to, we talked to everyone who would listen, and here we are, it�s not up to anyone anymore. Know why?

CASEY:
Because the time has come?

NATALIE:
Because the time has come.

(Casey shrugs and veers off from Jeremy and Natalie, heading over to check the wire or something. Jeremy and Natalie continue.)

JEREMY:
Are we doing anything for the holiday?

NATALIE:
What do you mean?

JEREMY:
I mean since you wouldn�t have time to fly to Ohio and my family doesn�t do anything big for Thanksgiving because we�re fairly widespread and maybe a third of the family would actually be there.

NATALIE:
Really?

JEREMY:
Yes, but that wasn�t the question.

NATALIE:
What was the question?

JEREMY:
If we�re doing anything for Thanksgiving?

NATALIE:
Have you forgotten already that there�s a show?

JEREMY:
No, I�m saying that AFTER the show we might do something.

NATALIE:
We might?

JEREMY:
I�m asking you, Natalie, in fact I�ve asked you three times now.

NATALIE:
I hope you don�t picture me slaving over a hot stove at 1 in the morning to prepare a feast.

JEREMY:
Of course not.

NATALIE:
Because my idea of a good Thanksgiving dinner is two turkey TV dinners eaten on trays while watching football.

JEREMY:
The kind with the mashed potatoes and the good gravy?

NATALIE:
Absolutely. Plus you can�t forget the cranberry sauce.

JEREMY:
Because that would be a travesty.

NATALIE:
Damn straight!

(They have by this time circled through the newsroom and/or studio several times and have circled back around to Dan and Casey�s office. Dan is standing there, looking puzzled.)

DAN:
(Looking at the card on the flowers.) Hey, Natalie � who�s CMC?

(Smash cut to commercial. End Teaser.)

Act I
(Day I. Dana�s in her office and on the phone when Natalie walks in.)

DANA:
(To the person on the other end) I�d say it�s about time -! Absolutely�No, no, it�s not an inconvenience at all. Yes. Thanks� B�bye. (She hangs up.)

NATALIE:
(Sitting on the couch.) What was that all about?

DANA:
(Grinning like someone who�s giddy as a school girl.) Guess who that was?

NATALIE:
I thought I asked you first.

DANA:
That, my friend, was Andrew in the Personel Office.

NATALIE:
And what did he want?

DANA:
To tell me about the latest change in personel.

NATALIE:
And what is the latest change in personel?

DANA:
Someone has been fired.

NATALIE:
Who?

DANA:
(Grinning even wider and looking like she�s about to start her dance of joy.) J.J.

NATALIE:
You�re kidding?!

DANA:
Absolutely not!

NATALIE:
YES!

DANA:
I know!

NATALIE:
You�re sure about this one?

DANA:
Absolutely sure!

NATALIE:
Then this is cause for celebration!

DANA:
Absolutely!

(Dana stands up and walks over to her wall with the TVs and opens a cabinet beneath them, revealing a stereo. She picks up a remote from her desk and a few seconds later, we hear the �Dance of Joy Anthem� or �Walkin� on Sunshine� by Katrina and the Waves.)

DANA:
Time for the dance of joy!

(Just then, Jeremy walks in.)

JEREMY:
Dana? What�s with the music blasting so loud you can hear it in that little soundproof room over there known as an editing bay?

(Dana is beginning her dance of joy and Jeremy looks afraid.)

NATALIE:
J.J. got fired!

JEREMY:
Okay�That would explain the bizarre movement of Dana over there�

DANA:
Eh!

NATALIE:
It�s not bizarre, it�s a dance of joy!

JEREMY:
Oh, of course.

DANA:
Someone who doesn�t appreciate the arts!

JEREMY:
Oh, believe me when I tell you, Dana, that I appreciate the arts�and that isn�t it.

NATALIE:
Aw, C�mon, Jeremy! It�s a day of jubilee, you should celebrate! (She starts doing a rather lambada-like move very close to him.)

JEREMY:
Are we sure this is for real?

DANA:
Why wouldn�t it be?

JEREMY:
Have you guys forgotten what day it is?

NATALIE:
It�s Thanksgiving.

JEREMY:
It�s also November 23.

NATALIE:
So?

JEREMY:
Thespis.

DANA:
What�s an ancient mythological being have to do with personel finally doing something right?

JEREMY:
I�m just saying we should watch our backs.

NATALIE:
Yeah, we�ll watch �em later��cept now we don�t have to watch for the knife of J.J.!

(Both Natalie and Dana start laughing and continue to dance as we cut to�)

(Dan and Casey�s office, Day I. Dan�s sitting on the couch, staring at the card from the flowers as Casey enjoys watching him, writing notes on a legal pad as Dan debates with himself.)

DAN:
CMC�CMC�

CASEY:
Would you knock it off already?

DAN:
Who could it be? I mean, RW sending flowers was bizarre enough�CMC, though�I don�t even know anyone with those initials, famous or otherwise.

CASEY:
Yes you do.

DAN:
I really don�t.

CASEY:
Trust me, you do.

DAN:
Who would be sending �

CASEY:
Danny, what day is today?

DAN:
Thanksgiving.

CASEY:
Besides that.

DAN:
Thursday.

CASEY:
And what else?

DAN:
November�Today�s the 23rd?

CASEY:
Yes.

DAN:
So it�s our anniversary as well.

CASEY:
(Happy Dan�s finally caught on and hoping it means he can get some work done.) Yes.

DAN:
I�d like you to keep in mind you didn�t get me an anniversary gift, suggesting you�ve forgotten again.

CASEY:
Dan.

DAN:
Oh, like you know who it is!

CASEY:
I actually do.

DAN:
Who?

CASEY:
Okay, let�s play a game of fill-in-the-blank. �Good evening, from New York City, I�m Dan Rydell alongside��

DAN:
(Confused.) Okay, you switching personas won�t help matters.

CASEY:
Get to work, would you?

DAN:
Can I be Natalie?

CASEY:
What?

DAN:
I mean, if we�re switching who we are, can I be Natalie?

CASEY:
No.

DAN:
Dana?

CASEY:
Dan-

DAN:
Okay, fine, I�ll be Jeremy.

CASEY:
We�re not switching personas.

DAN:
Then what was with you saying you were Dan Rydell alongside someone?

CASEY:
Never mind.

DAN:
Okay.

(Cut to: The Studio, Night I.)

KIM:
(VO) Five minutes to air, first team to the studio, please, first team to the studio please. Thank you.

(Dan and Casey are already sitting at the desk for once.)

DAN:
We read ya loud and clear.

CASEY:
(To Dan.) First Thanksgiving with him, don�t even get to see him.

DAN:
Who are we talking about?

CASEY:
Charlie.

DAN:
(Snapping his fingers.) His initials!

CASEY:
What are we talking about?

DAN:
His initials � CDMC. Charles Daniel McCall.

CASEY:
What about his initials?

DAN:
Leave out the middle name and it�s CMC!

CASEY:
And why would Charlie have sent you flowers?

DAN:
I do not know but he could�ve.

CASEY:
He and I have the same initials, y�know.

DAN:
What, are you George W. Bush now?

CASEY:
Dan, I hardly ever understand what you�re saying �

DAN:
I get that a lot.

CASEY:
What does Bush have to do with anything?

DAN:
He kept going on about him being like his father�and in a bunch of parodies they made a big deal of that.

CASEY:
That wasn�t my point.

DAN:
There was a point to this?

(Casey sighs in exasperation.)

(Cut to: Control Room. Natalie is in her seat, as are the tech guys and Jeremy. Kim walks in and to the sound room, Elliot is in the sound room, and Dana walks in from the side door [The one next to where she shattered the window].)

DAVE:
2 minutes to VTR, 3 minutes live.

NATALIE:
Chris, show me 15.

WILL:
15�s up.

CHRIS:
She asked me.

WILL:
I was closer.

CHRIS:
To what?

WILL:
I don�t know, it�s just what I�ve always said.

DANA:
(Taking her seat.) Would you guys stop arguing? This is a day for happiness and rejoicing, not squabbling amongst ourselves over trivial matters.

WILL:
What�s with her?

(Chris shrugs.)

JEREMY:
She�s been going to inspirational clinics, they seem to be helping relieve tension.

DANA:
Eh!

JEREMY:
What is �eh!� exactly?

DANA:
What do you mean?

JEREMY:
That�s the second time today you�ve used it.

DANA:
You�re a supposedly brilliant man, figure it out.

JEREMY:
Seems to me that �eh� is what one says when they have no comeback.

DANA:
Shut up.

JEREMY:
Another �

NATALIE:
Honey.

JEREMY:
What?

NATALIE:
Stop tormenting Dana.

JEREMY:
�Okay�

DAVE:
Roll VTR, live in 60.

DANA:
Good show, guys!

JEREMY:
Especially good show!

WILL:
Why�d you say that?

JEREMY:
Because it�s Thespis Day.

KIM:
Uh-oh.

ELLIOT:
Watch out, guys!

DANA:
Oh, come on!

NATALIE:
Dana, they have a valid point.

DANA:
They do not!

NATALIE:
Remember two years ago?

DANA:
Fluke.

NATALIE:
Would you like me to go over the number of things �

DANA:
Matthew was born, I�ll remind you.

NATALIE:
Yeah. And �

DANA:
There�s no ghost haunting the studio!

DAVE:
(Punching buttons furiously.) VTR won�t roll!

DANA:
Dammit!

JEREMY:
�And let the games begin�

(Fade to Commercial. End Act I.)

Act II
(Control Room, Night I. It is only a minute or two after we�d left our friends before commercial, just after the teaser for the fictional show, during the first C-Break.)

DANA:
So this apparition is here?

JEREMY:
So it would appear.

DANA:
The Phantom of the Broadcasting is here�Inside my mind!

JEREMY:
Yeah, it�s all in your head. (He looks over at Natalie.) You owe me now, y�know.

NATALIE:
Yeah, yeah.

DANA:
Why do you owe him?

JEREMY:
We bet over whether or not you heard voices.

DANA:
I cannot believe you �

DAVE:
Back in 5�4�3�

(We see Dan on the monitors.)

DAN:
And today in tennis, star�(He stops and coughs back a laugh.) Star, uh, Venus Williams and her sister had a �friendly rematch�, meaning whoever won got to tease the other mercilessly until the next Wimbledon. That�s what sisters do. Now we go to Kelly Kirkpatrick. Kelly?

KELLY:
(On another monitor) Thank you, Dan. Venus �

DANA:
Okay, Danny, what the hell was that?

DAN:
It wasn�t my fault!

CASEY:
(Laughing.) Yeah, Dana, the TelePrompTer�

DANA:
What about it?

DAN:
D�ya know what happens when you replace the �V� in �Venus� with a �P�?

NATALIE:
I don�t believe this.

JEREMY:
The work of Thespis, my friend.

ELLIOT:
I�m beginning to think he has a point, Dana �

DANA:
Shut up!

ELLIOT:
Okay.

DANA:
(Thinking.) Actually, y�know what Thespis is like?

KIM:
A pain in the ass?

DANA:
Well, that�But that wasn�t what I had in mind.

NATALIE:
What did you have in mind?

DANA:
The phantom.

JEREMY:
The phantom of what?

DANA:
The phantom of the opera, of course.

JEREMY:
(Dryly.) Oh. Of course.

DANA:
I�m serious! It�s like that�He haunts the performance and unless we do what he wants, he ruins things!

JEREMY:
We�re not doing anything he doesn�t want, other than put on the show.

DANA:
Ah! And see, that�s the problem! �Cause in the musical, the phantom haunts �

JEREMY:
When they switch the roles of Christine with Carlotta, the opposite of what Eric wants.

DANA:
Yeah, I � How did you know that? I thought you hated musicals. (She turns to Natalie.) Didn�t you tell me he hated musicals?

JEREMY:
It was a book first, Dana.

DANA:
Really?

JEREMY:
Yeah, about 75 years beforehand.

DAVE:
And we�re in commercial.

KIM:
2:20 back.

CASEY:
(On monitors.) I would like it to be noted by all that, this year, I remembered my anniversary.

DANA:
You�re divorced, Casey, it�s a little late for that.

DAN:
He means OUR anniversary.

JEREMY:
Well, that answers the question of why the marriage failed.

DAN:
Anniversary of our first BROADCAST, Jeremy.

CASEY:
Yeah, Dan and I don�t do that sort of thing.

DAN:
At least not publicly �

CASEY:
Not at all.

DAN:
Yes.

KIM:
So what�d he do for the anniversary?

DAN:
He bought me roses.

ELLIOT:
Are you sure you don�t do that sort of thing at all, Casey?

DAN:
Oh, c�mon�It�s not like that�(Very excitedly.) Y�wanna see the flowers?

KIM:
Do we get a choice?

CASEY:
Probably not.

DAN:
Of course not! Be right back!

DANA:
Danny! 1:45 back!

DAN:
I�ll make it!

(He rushes off and we cut to him entering his office. The table which had held the roses is bare, save a few papers, and Dan looks around puzzledly.)

DANA:
(VO, Sounding panicky.) Dan! 30 Seconds!

DAN:
(Shouting back at the VO.) I can�t find the damn flowers!

DANA:
(VO.) Danny, you realize we can�t hear you when you shout at the VO?

DAN:
Wait�

NATALIE:
(VO) Call it special powers.

DANA:
(VO) Get your ass back here!

(Sighing, Dan rushes out. We cut to the control room, same time frame, Casey is starting his bit on the monitors and Dan wanders into the control room.)

DANA:
It�s about time!

JEREMY:
Dana was about to spontaneously combust.

DAN:
Someone took the flowers.

NATALIE:
They took the flowers?

DAN:
They�re gone! I looked all over the office! Not to be found!

KIM:
Wow�that�s bizarre.

WILL:
Are you sure there were ever flowers to begin with?

NATALIE:
Yeah, I can vouch for that.

CHRIS:
So who might have taken them?

DAN:
I have no idea�Unless this is a joke from Casey because I always laugh at him for forgetting our anniversary.

JEREMY:
You yell at him for forgetting your anniversary.

DAN:
Details, details, my friend. It�s all in the wording, what difference does it make?

JEREMY:
A fairly large difference.

DAN:
Jeremy. Jeremy, Jeremy, Jeremy. (He pauses, as if about to say something profound.) Jeremy�s a nice name, don�t�cha think?

NATALIE:
Are you sure you aren�t drugged or something?

DANA:
I think the flowers are still there, he just didn�t see �em.

JEREMY:
Or it could be�(Dramatic pause.) Thespis.

DANA:
It is not Thespis.

JEREMY:
How do you know?

DANA:
Because last time Thespis came, it was much worse and more show-related. So far, what�s happened?

NATALIE:
Venus Williams.

DAN:
My flowers.

DANA:
But both of those have been done to Dan, how do we know someone�s just not mad at him.

KIM:
Danny, have you done anything to make anyone mad lately?

ELLIOT:
Aside from being you?

DAN:
It�s tough to say, �cause see � (Realizing what Elliot said.) Very funny.

DANA:
And last time Thespis struck, there were about, I don�t know, ten THOUSAND catastrophes during the first half hour.

NATALIE:
First half hour�s not over yet, Dana.

DAN:
Yeah, and it�s not over �til after a 24-pound turkey has fallen.

DANA:
Ha ha ha. That was me, not some apparition.

JEREMY:
Why are you so ignorant about this?

DANA:
Because I fear not ghosts, I fear them not.

JEREMY:
Didn�t you learn your lesson the hard way last time? This is Thespis�s way of telling us not to do the show! He�s trying to tell us to fear his wrath and obey his word!

DANA:
Yeah, that one�s gonna happen.

JEREMY: Dana, I�m saying -

DANA:
If Isaac was here, he�d be backing me up on this one.

NATALIE:
But Isaac�s in California for Matthew�s birthday.

DANA:
Right, but I�m saying, IF he was here, he�d be right with me.

NATALIE:
I can be right with you.

DANA:
(Brightening.) Really?

NATALIE:
Yeah.

DANA:
Good to know someone�s with me!

NATALIE:
Well�err�

DANA:
What?

NATALIE:
I�m not with you on this.

DANA:
But I thought you said �

NATALIE:
I said I CAN be, I didn�t say I was on this particular issue.

DANA:
I hate you all. (She turns to Dan.) Danny, get your ass back out to the desk.

DAN:
Yes, ma�am.

(He leaves. We follow him and see him sit down, then look puzzled, glance up. Casey is staring up toward the light grid.)

DANA:
(VO, from the Control Room.) Guys? What is it?

CASEY:
Dana, are you cooking Thanksgiving dinner this year?

DANA:
(Still VO.) Casey, my Thanksgiving dinner this year is a can of spaghetti and meatballs while I laugh at Sally�s crappy show, what�s it matter?

CASEY:
There�s water dripping from the light grid.

(Cut into the Control Room.)

DANA:
Grr! Not again!

JEREMY:
�Tis the wrath of Thespis we need to fear!

DANA:
Y�know, I get the feeling you were destined to be a televangelist.

JEREMY:
I�m Jewish.

DANA:
Doesn�t matter. (She stands.) I�m gonna go fix the problem.

NATALIE:
How are you gonna go fix the problem?

KIM:
Crawl onto the light grid?

ELLIOT:
I�ll sell tickets!

DANA:
I�ll�look into the problem.

NATALIE:
Okay.

(She starts out.)

JEREMY:
(Calling after her.) Beware of Thespis!

DANA:
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

(She walks into the studio and stands at the desk.)

DANA:
Now what is going on here?

(Dan starts to speak, but we hear a ghastly laugh, followed by the opening notes of �The Phantom of the Opera�. A minute later, a frozen turkey attached to a rope swings down, headed straight for Dana�s head.)

CASEY:
Dana! Look out!

(He leaps across the desk as he sees the turkey and pushes her down, falling off the desk as well in his attempt to save Dana. Sinister music plays as everyone stands, gawking, at the spectacle, and we fade to black.)