I was said good bye, said in most perverted way and I deserved it - totaly... My humiliation was total... I needed the slap in words, I needed the scorn...
I felt the rejection and the wish for the ending before it, I knew that I was unwanted and though...I have been proceeding to the bottom...
...Because you wouldn't want to believe to the sighs, you want to prove that everything is ok - when your consciousness knows that it isn't, when the mind revealing knows the very truth. And you are going down in the emotional labyrinth, against the mind...
When you could stay in front of the mirror for hours? When you are 15 years old - sure, that is the time...(or maybe much earlier). When you are nice-looking? Quite a superficial narcissism. No - when you are ugly...You should adopt the ugliness, you should coinciliate it... You will investigate your face, you will stare at it, you will look for something - yourself? - again and again, and at one moment you will start to like this ugly face - temporary, to the next look. Where is the thread between the beauty and the ugliness, the extreme unknown is ugly but actually - it may be wonderful...for some other culture or for some perverse taste.You know that you are ugly but you are used to it, your lone hypnotic continual look makes the things seem "normal" - for you, as well as for the people that love you. You penetrate in the abyss of the self-knowledge comparing yourself to the others, and you are used to your difference, your ugliness...The difference becomes attractive, the ugliness - seductive...
So, when you concentrate your mind over one thing you start to investigate it - to the moment when it becomes close and known for you...or to the moment you realize the very disgusting nature of the thing...or you leave this topic of thinking unknown, it is nonsensical, it is useless...So, it would be disgusting when you realize it is so far from you, it is the difference, it is the contradiction... But doesn't the contradiction show that you are both common in mind or that you are the same, with common way of thinking, but in different directions ? (because just something humanly may be disgusting, something from the brain...). The comparison shows the comparable things...Isn't it just the same humanly nature? What is still the unknown there?... So, you leave the useless topic, at least if the circumstances don't make you fighting with it, with the contradiction...
Why do you become intruder? What is this desire to catch someone's interest over your person? Where is the more pleasant place in the would to be - of the side of the bored people or of the side of the boring ones? If the truth is that the separation of the world is between these two classes - bored and boring...Again and again, as well as the scared, investigating eyes in the mirror, that want to see an harmony in the ugliness, you intrude someone, imposing your person to him, someone that considerately and even obviously shows you his rejection...You're proseeding with the hope that your sensations belie you...You know what is the right thing, what you should do, but you go against yourself and at the same time you can't overcome yourself...
What means to be submissive? Sexually it is clear - get the pleasure being self-humiliated, apply your dirty tastes to someones appropriate ones to yours...yes, contrary ones, dominating...Yes, just a dirty play in the bed...Submissive - dominant - a briliant combination for the sex experience...But what means to be submissive mentaly at all? Self-humiliation, self-pity, harmed dignity...You want to subdue yourself to someone for the purpose to escape from the responsibility of living, from the loneliness. You want to escape from the freedom of the decisions... It is an illness to seek for someone's attention for the purpose to balance your own lack of confidence and because of the desolation, to balance the emptiness in the heart. It is a wretchedness , it is a misery...But you are also agressive, possessive...The wish to subordinate, to have power over someone giving him the sense that he has control over you...the power of the victim...You want to subdue him belonging to him...
And here is the expected rejection, the moment of the truth... ...So, feel the own humiliation, feel that you are noone, you are nonentity, feel the fall, feel the decline, feel that you are one, solitary in the world, feel that you are unworthy, nothing, feel the utter loneliness, feel the utter coldness of the existence - ... and be purified.
