| |
Secret
A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife:
"I have decided to plant some vegetables in the back garden. When is
the best time to plant them?"
The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replied in a
letter, "Dear wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden.
That is where I hid all the money."
A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife: "You
won't believe what happened, some men came with shovels to the house, and
dug up all the back garden."
The prisoner wrote another letter: "Dear wife, now is the best time
to plant the vegetables
The Miracle
A mangy looking guy who goes into a bar and orders a
drink. The bartender says: "No way. I don't think you can pay for it.
The guy says, "You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show
you something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?"
The bartender says, "Only if what you show me ain't risque."
"Deal!" says the guy and reaches into his coat pocket and pulls
out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of
the bar, climbs down the bar, runs across the room, up the piano, jumps on
the key board and starts playing Gershwin songs. And the hamster is really
good.
The bartender says, "You're right. I've never seen anything like that
before. That hamster is truly good on the piano." The guy downs the
drink and asks the bartender for another.
"Money or another miracle, or else no drink", says the
bartender. The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He
puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvelous
voice and great pitch. A fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the
bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog.
The guy says, "It's a deal." He takes the three hundred and
gives the stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the bar. The
bartender says to the guy, "Are you some kind of nut? You sold a
singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be
crazy."
"Not so", says the guy. "The hamster is also a
ventriloquist."
F.......
The little boy was caught swearing by his teacher.
"Jeffrey Alan!," she said, "you shouldn't use that kind of
language. Where did you hear it?"
"My daddy said it," he responded.
"Well, that doesn't matter," she explained, "you don't know
what it means."
"I do, too," Jeffrey corrected. "It means the car won't
start."
Wise vs Wise
The rules at a particular university were such that if the
professor was not present in the classroom by 15 minutes past the hour,
the class was considered a "walk" and the students were free to
leave -- with no penalties for missing a class.
The rooms were equipped with the type of wall clocks which
"jumped" ahead each minute, in a very noticeable fashion. As it
were, these clocks were not of the most sophisticated construction. Some
enterprising student discovered that if one were to hit the clock with
chalkboard erasers, it would cause the clock to "jump" ahead 1
minute.
So, it became almost daily practice for these students to take target
practice at the clock (this particular professor was not the most
punctual, and the students considered him severely
"absent-minded"). A few well-aimed erasers, and lo, 15 minutes
were passed, and class dismissed itself.
Well, when the day for the next exam rolled around, the professor strolled
into the room, passed out the exams, and told the class, "You have
one hour to complete the examination".
The professor then proceeded to collect the erasers from around the room,
gleefully took aim at the clock. When he had successfully
"jumped" the clock forward one hour, he closed the class and
collected the exam papers.
Life does teach some lessons the hard way
Sweet Names
A fellow was invited to the home of some old friends for
dinner. His buddy preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms,
calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.
The guest was impressed since the couple had been married almost 70 years,
and while the wife was off in the kitchen he said to his friend, "I
think it's wonderful that after all the years you've been married, you
still call your wife those pet names."
His buddy hung his head. "To tell you the truth, I forgot her name
about ten years ago."
Blind Date
"How was your blind date?" a college student
asked her roommate.
"Terrible!" the roommate answered. "He showed up in his
1932 Rolls Royce."
"Wow! That's a very expensive car. What's so bad about that?"
"He was the original owner
Hang-ups on Cellphone
There are several men in the locker room of a private club after
exercising. Suddenly a cell phone that was on one of the benches rings. A
man picks it up and the following conversation ensues:
"Hello?"
"Honey, It's me. Are you at the club?"
"Yes."
"Great! I am at the mall 2 blocks from where you are. I saw a
beautiful mink coat... It is absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"
"What's the price?"
"Only $1,500.00"
"Well, OK, go ahead and get, if you like it that much..."
"Ahhh and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2001
models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman and he gave me
a really good price ... and since we need to exchange the BMW that we
bought last year..."
"What price did he quote you?"
"Only $60,000..."
"OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
"Great! Before we hang up, something else..."
"What?"
"It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account
and...I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and I saw the house
we had looked at last year. It's on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool,
English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property..."
"How much are they asking?"
"Only $450,000... a magnificent price, and I see that we have that
much in the bank to cover..."
"Well, than go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?"
"OK, sweetie... Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"
"Bye... I do too..."
The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap and raises his hand while
holding the phone and asks to all those present: "Does anyone know
who this phone belongs to?"
Lousy Haircut
A man was getting a haircut prior to a
trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded,
"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty and
far away. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking TWA," was the reply. "We got a great
rate!"
"TWA?" exclaimed the barber. "That's a terrible airline.
Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always
late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"
"We'll be at the downtown International Marriott."
"That dump! That's the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small,
the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you
get there?"
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the
Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the barber. "You and a million other
people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on
this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber
asked him about his trip to Rome.
"It was wonderful," explained the man, "not only were we on
time in one of TWA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they
bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a
beautiful 28 year old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot. And the
hotel - it was great! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling job
and now it's the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so
they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra
charge!"
"Well," muttered the barber, "I know you didn't get to see
the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss
Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to
personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step
into his private room and wait, the pope would personally greet me. Sure
enough, five minutes later the Pope walked through the door and shook my
hand! I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me."
"Really?" asked the Barber. "What'd he say?"
He said, "Where'd you get the lousy haircut?"
The Atheist
One evening, a young woman came home from a date, rather
sad. She told her mother, "Anthony proposed to me an hour ago."
"Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked.
"Because he also told me he is an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even
believe there's a Devil." Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway.
Between the two of us, we'll show him just how wrong he is."
Spot the Gig
-Last year, I deducted 10,697 cartons of
cigarettes as a business expense. The tax man said, "OK.. but don’t
ever, ever let us catch you without a cigarette in your hand."
-Animals may be our friends. But they won’t pick you up at the airport.
-I knew these Siamese twins. They moved to England, so the other one could
drive.
Top
10 Reasons God Created Eve
10. Adam would frequently become lost in the garden because he would not
ask for directions.
9. One day Adam would require someone to locate and hand him the remote.
8. Adam would never go out and buy himself a new fig leaf when his wore
out and would therefore need Eve to buy one for him.
7. Adam would never be able to make a doctor's, dentist's or haircut
appointment by himself.
6. Adam would never remember which night to put the garbage on the curb.
5. If the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the
pain and discomfort of childbearing.
4. As the Keeper of the Garden, Adam would never remember where he left
his tools.
3. Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding
in the garden.
2. As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be alone."
1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched his
head, and said, "I can do better than that."
Thoughts of the Day...
The easiest way to find something lost around the house
is to buy a replacement.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
One good turn gets most of the blankets.
Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any.
There are two kinds of pedestrians--the quick and the dead.
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
If quitters never win, and winners never cheat, then who is the fool who
said "Quit while you're ahead"?
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.
Jury - Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer.
Never lick a gift horse in the mouth.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage
is the triumph of hope over experience.
Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the
'Y' becomes silent.
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word
you say, talk in your sleep.
Definition of Atheism: a non-prophet organization.
What's Your Name?
A fellow was invited to the home of some old friends for
dinner. His buddy preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms,
calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.
The guest was impressed since the couple had been married almost 70 years,
and while the wife was off in the kitchen he said to his friend, "I
think it's wonderful that after all the years you've been married, you
still call your wife those pet names."
His buddy hung his head. "To tell you the truth, I forgot her name
about ten years ago."
Jumbo Jet
A Mother had three daughters and on their weddings, she
tells each one of them to write back about their marriage life. And the
first one gets married. The second day the letter arrives with a single
message... simply, "Maxwell Coffeehouse." Mother got confused
and finally noticed in a Maxwell, and it says, "Satisfaction to the
last drop..." So, Mother is happy. Then the second daughter gets
married. Only after a week was there a message that reads,
"Rothmans." So the Mother looks into the Rothmans ad, and it
says, "Life Size, King Size." And Mother is happy. Then it was
the third one's wedding. Mother was anxious. Only after four weeks came
the message, "British Airways." And Mother looks into the BA ad,
but this time she fainted. The ad reads, "Two times a day, four times
a week, both ways." (E-mail from Judge Gil Tabios, Au)
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slow
down in the performance of flower and jewelry applications that had
operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0
In addition, Husband 1.0 un-installed many other valuable programs, such
as Romance 9.9, but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA
3.0.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the
system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no
avail. What can I do?
Desperate
***************************
Dear Desperate,
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while
Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try to enter the command: C:/I THOUGHT
YOU LOVED ME and install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then automatically
run the applications: Guilty 3.0 and Flowers 7.0. But remember, overuse
can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or
Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create Snoring
Loudly.WAV files.
DO NOT install Mother-In-Law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program.
These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited
memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider
buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend
Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 6.9.
Good Luck,
Tech Support
Hi-tech
A man recently saw a distraught young person weeping
beside their car.
"Do you need some help?" he asked.
The person replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery in
this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they
(pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery for
this?"
"Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" the helping person
asked.
"No, just this remote 'thingy,'" the distraught person answered,
handing it and the car keys to the other person.
As The Good Samaritan took the key and manually unlocked the door, he
replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the
batteries ... it's a long walk."
Keep on Borrowing
Every time the man next door headed toward Robinson's
house, Robinson knew he was coming to borrow something. "He won't get
away with it this time," muttered Robinson to his wife. "Watch
this."
"Er, I wonder if you'd be using your power-saw this morning,"
the neighbor began.
"Gee, I'm awfully sorry," said Robinson with a smug look,
"but the fact of the matter is, I'll be using it all day."
"In that case," said the neighbor, "you won't be using your
golf clubs, mind if I borrow them?"
Dear God
A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing
happened.
Then he decided to write GOD a letter requesting the $100. When the postal
authorities received the letter addressed to GOD USA, they decided to send
it to President Bush.
The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his
secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill.
The President thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little
boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank
you note to GOD, which read:
Dear GOD,
Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for
some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, they
took most of it.
Boots on...
Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of
her kindergarten students put his boots on?
He asked for help and she could see why. With her pulling and him pushing,
the boots still didn't want to go on. When the second boot was on, she had
worked up a sweat. She almost whimpered when the little boy said,
"Teacher, they're on the wrong feet." She looked, and sure
enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was
putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to
get the boots back on - this time on the right feet.
He then announced, "These aren't my boots." She bit her tongue
rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say
so?" like she wanted to. Once again she struggled to help him pull
the ill-fitting boots off.
He then said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear
them." She didn't know if she should laugh or cry. She mustered up
the grace to wrestle the boots on his feet again.
She said, "Now, where are your mittens?" He said,"I stuffed
them in the toes of my boots..."
Where are the diamonds?
A woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the
artist, "Paint me with diamond rings, a diamond necklace, emerald
bracelets, a ruby broach, and gold Rolex."
"But you are not wearing any of those things," he replied.
"I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my
husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to
go crazy looking for the jewelry."
Half A Head
A guy wants to buy half a head of lettuce, so he goes to
the market and asks the clerk if he can purchase half a head of lettuce.
The clerk says, "I don't think so!"
So the man says, "Let me talk to the manager."
The clerk says, "The manager is in the back."
The clerk then proceeds to go to the back of the store to find the
manager. The clerk finds the manager and says, "There is some goofy
fool up front who wants to buy half a head of lettuce!"
The clerk suddenly realizes through his peripheral view that he was
followed by the client, so the clerk adds, "...and this nice
gentleman would like to purchase the other half."
Your Wife
A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice
evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was
left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to
80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.
"There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to
himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... Then the
reality of the situation hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought
and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word
and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end
of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so
if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before,
you can go."
The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with
a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"
"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.
Lawyering
Let's see if we can raise the corner of your lips with
today's Joke of the Day:
A dying man gathered his lawyer, doctor and clergyman at his bedside and
handed each of them an envelope containing $25,000 in cash.
He made them each promise that after his death and during his repose, they
would place the three envelopes in his coffin. He told them that he wanted
to have enough money to enjoy the next life.
A week later the man died. At the wake, the lawyer and doctor and
clergyman, each concealed an envelope in the coffin and bid their old
client and friend farewell. By chance, these three met several months
later. Soon the clergyman, feeling guilty, blurted out a confession saying
that there was only $10,000 in the envelope he placed in the coffin. He
felt, rather than waste all the money, he would send it to a mission in
South America. He asked for their forgiveness.
The doctor, moved by the gentle clergyman's sincerity, confessed that he,
too, had kept some of the money for a new x-ray machine at his hospital.
The envelope, he admitted, had only $8,000 in it. He said, he too could
not bring himself to waste the money so frivolously when it could be used
to benefit others.
By this time the lawyer was seething with self-righteous outrage. He
expressed his deep disappointment in the felonious behavior of two of his
oldest and most trusted friends. "I am the only one who kept his
promise to our dying friend. I want you both to know that the envelope I
placed in the coffin contained the full amount. Indeed, my envelope
contained my personal check for the entire $25,000."
Weather Predictor
A film crew was on location deep in the desert. One day an
old Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow rain."
The next day it rained.
A week later, the Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow
storm." The next day there was a hailstorm.
"This Indian is incredible," said the director. He told his
secretary to hire the Indian to predict the weather. However, after
several successful predictions, the old Indian didn't show up for two
weeks. Finally the director sent for him. "I have to shoot a big
scene tomorrow," said the director, "and I'm depending on you.
What will the weather be like?"
The Indian shrugged his shoulders. "Don't know," he said.
"Radio is broken."
And How Are You
Doing?
An old farmer was on his way for a night out on the town. He loaded his
old hound dog into the buggy, had his favorite horse pulling the buggy,
and was on his way. He had just rounded a curve when a speeding Mercedes
ran into the back of his rig, wiping him out.
After months recovering he finally had his day in court. The defense
called the local sheriff as a witness.
The defense lawyer asked, "Did the plaintiff have anything to say
when you approached him at the scene of the accident?"
The sheriff replied, "Yes sir. The plaintiff said, 'I never felt
better.'"
The plaintiff's lawyer was very upset at this, and whispered to the
farmer, "Did you really say that?"
"I sure did, but don't worry, just put me on the stand," he
replied.
So, the plaintiff's lawyer called the farmer and asked, "Did you
really say, you 'never felt better?'"
The farmer replied, "I sure did. But you gotta understand. When the
sheriff came in on the scene, he went over to my dog who was badly
injured, bleeding and looked down at him, shook his head, then shot the
dog.
Then he walked over to my horse who had three broken legs, really hurt
bad, looked down at him, shook his head, then shot the horse.
Then the sheriff came over to me, looked down at me and asked how I felt.
So of course, I replied, "I never felt better!"
When Fido Learns to Speak
A young boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 way through
the semester, he has foolishly squandered what money his parents gave him.
"Hmmmm," he wonders, "how am I gonna get more dough?"
Then he gets an idea. He calls his father. "Dad," he says,
"you won't believe the wonders that modern education are coming up
with! Why, they actually have a program here that will teach Fido how to
talk!"
"Why that's absolutely amazing!" his father says. "How do I
get him in that program?"
"Just send him down here with $1000," the boy says, "I'll
get him into the course."
So his father sends the dog and the $1000. About 2/3 way through the
semester, the money runs out. So the boy calls his father again. "So
how's Fido doing, son?" his father asks.
"Awesome, dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you
just won't believe this - now they have a program here that will teach
Fido to READ!"
"READ!" says his father, "That's amazing! What do I have to
do to get him in that program?"
"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." So his father
sends the money. At the end of the semester, the boy has a problem. When
he gets home, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk nor
read. So he shoots the dog.
When he gets home, his father is all excited. "Where's Fido? I just
can't wait to hear him talk and listen to him read something!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. This morning
when I got out of the shower, Fido was in the living room kicking back in
the recliner and reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he
turned to me and asked 'So, is your daddy still messin' around with that
little redhead that lives down on Oak Street?' "
His father says "I hope you SHOT that lyin' weasel!"
Evolution
An atheist was walking through the woods, admiring
all that the "accidents" that evolution had created.
"What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful
animals!", he said to himself. As he was walking alongside the
river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. Turning to
look, he saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him. He ran as
fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw
the grizzly was closing. Somehow, he ran even faster, so
scared that tears came to his eyes. He looked again and the bear was
even closer. His heart was pounding and he tried to run faster. He
tripped and fell to the ground. He rolled over to pick himself
up but the bear was right over him, reaching for him with its
left paw and raising its right paw strike him. At that instant
the atheist cried, "Oh my God!...." Time stopped.
The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped
moving. As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out
of the sky, " You deny my existence for all these years, teach others
that I don't exist and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do
you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you
as a believer?" The atheist looked directly into the
light, " It would be hypocritical to ask to be a
Christian after all these years, but perhaps you could make the bear
a Christian?" "Very well" said the voice.
The light went out. The river ran. The sounds of the forest
resumed. ...and then the bear dropped his right paw, brought
both paws together and bowed its head and spoke: "Lord, for
this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful
Go Figure
If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and
dropped it from a height, what would happen?
If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you
turn on the headlights?
You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol
if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
Why isn't "palindrome" spelled the same way backwards?
Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a
shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why
can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn
down the volume on the radio?
If you have your finger touching the rearview mirror that says --
"objects in mirror are closer than they appear", how can that be
possible?
Why is it so hard to remember how to spell MNEMONIC?
If someone invented instant water, what would they mix it with?
Why is it called a TV "set" when you only get one?
But Doc...?
A man went to see his doctor because he was suffering from
a miserable cold. His doctor prescribed some pills, but they didn't help.
On his next visit the doctor gave him a shot, but that didn't do any good.
On his third visit the doctor told the man to go home and take a hot bath.
As soon as he was finished bathing he was to throw open all the windows
and stand in the draft.
"But doc," protested the patient, "if I do that, I'll get
pneumonia."
"I know," said his physician. "I can cure pneumonia."
Eighty
There was a little old lady standing at a corner. She had
both hands holding her hat on while the wind blew her dress up
around her face. A dignified southern gentleman came up and
said, "Ma'am, you should be ashamed of yourself, letting your
skirt blow around, being indecent, while both hands hold your
hat." She said, "Look, everything down there is
eighty years old; this hat is brand new!"
Bill Gate's Choice
Bill Gates dies and is up at the pearly gates.
St Peter: "Well, you've got a choice. Have a look around here. Pop
down to Hell and see what Satan has to offer. Check us out, and then let
me know your decision."
Bill has a look around heaven. Lot's of somber people singing hymns,
praising the Lord. He goes down to Hell. There are beautiful beaches, lots
of sun, sand, attractive women. Long cool drinks that never get you drunk.
He loves it.
He goes back to St Peter.
Gates: "Look, I know you're really doing good things here, but Hell
seems more with it. More my kind of scene, you know what I mean? No hard
feelings, but I pick Hell."
St Peter: "No worries. You've got it."
Bill finds himself back in Hell, neck deep in fire and brimstone,
suffering eternal torment. He can't figure it out.
Gates: "Hey! St Peter! Where are the beautiful girls and long beaches
and cool drinks?"
St Peter: "Sorry if you got confused. That was just the demo
version." (flowgo)
Those Horrible 4-letter Words
A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon.
When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.
"Well," said her mother, "so -- how was the
honeymoon?"
"Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So
romantic..." Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon
as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language - things I'd
never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to
come get me and take me home...PLEASE MAMA!"
"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what
could be so awful?
"WHAT 4-letter words?"
"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter,
"I'm so embarrassed- they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE
!!!"
"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset... Tell your
mother these horrible 4-letter words!"
Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, mama...words like: Dust, Wash,
Iron, Cook...."
Confessional
Tommy Shaughnessy enters the confessional box and says,
"Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose
woman."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the woman you were with?"
"I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her
reputation."
"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as
well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Patricia Kelly?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Liz Shannon?"
"I'm sorry, but I'll not tell her name."
"Was it Cathy Morgan?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Fiona McDonald, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy
Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone. Be
off with you now."
Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers,
"What'd you get?"
"Five good leads," says Tommy.
Brands
A woman is picked up in a bar by Dennis Rodman, the famous
basketball player, known for the wildly changing color and style of
his hair. They liked each other and the woman went back with him to
his hotel room. He removed his shirt revealing all of his
tattoos and she saw that on his right arm was a tattoo which said,
"Reebok". She thought that was a bit odd and asked him about it.
Rodman responded, "When I play basketball, the cameras pick up
the tattoo and Reebok pays me for advertisement." A bit
later, his pants came off and she sees "Puma" tattooed on
his leg. He gave the same explanation for the unusual tattoo.
Finally, his underwear came off and the woman screamed and ran to
the corner of the room. Rodman said, What's wrong?" The
woman remained quiet and just pointed at the tattoo on his penis
which read "AIDS". Finally she said, "I'm not going to do
it with a guy who has AIDS!" He said, "It's cool
baby, don't worry, in a minute, when it gets hard, it's going to say
ADIDAS".(AV)
My Elbow
A grandmother is giving directions to her grown
grandson, who is coming to visit with his wife:
"You come to the front door of the apartment complex. I am in
apartment 14T. There is a big panel at the door. With your elbow push
button 14T. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right.
Get in, and with your elbow hit 14. When you get out I am on the left.
With your elbow, hit my doorbell".
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these buttons
with my elbow?"
"You're coming empty handed"?
| Subject: |
[Bisayans] The Cowboy and the Preacher |
One Sunday a cowboy went to church. When he entered, he saw
that he and the preacher were the only ones present.
The preacher asked the cowboy if he wanted him to go ahead
and preach.
The cowboy said, "I'm not too smart, but if I went to feed
my cattle and only one showed up, I'd feed him."
So the minister began his sermon.
One hour passed, then two hours, then two-and-a-half hours.
The preacher finally finished and came down to ask the
cowboy how he liked the sermon.
The cowboy answered slowly, "Well, I'm not very smart, but
if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I sure
wouldn't feed him all the hay."
The water board please...
C= Caller and O = Operator
C: The water board please.
O: Which department?
C: Tap water
O: How are you spelling that?
C: With letters.
Ketchup with that?
An enthusiastic door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the
first house in his new territory. He knocks, a real mean and tough looking
lady opens the door, and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs
inside and dumps cow patties all over the carpet.
He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner don't do wonders cleaning this
up, I'll eat every chunk of it."
She turns to him with a smirk and says, "You want ketchup on
that?"
The salesman says, "Why do you ask?"
She says, "We just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned
on yet."
Mark 17
A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan
to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want
you all to read Mark 17." The following Sunday, as he prepared to
deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to
know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled
and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my
sermon on the sin of lying."
Rules Of The Air
** Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.
** If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the
stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick
all the way back, then they get bigger again.
** Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.
** It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up
there wishing you were down here.
** The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
** The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the
pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start
sweating.
** When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with
the sky.
** A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing
is one after which they can use the plane again.
** Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make
all of them yourself.
** You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to
taxi to the ramp.
** The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of
arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice
versa.
** Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five
minutes earlier.
** Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about
might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable
sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.
** Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number
of take offs you've made.
Teeing up?
It was a sunny Saturday morning, just perfect for golf,
and Murray was beginning his pre-swing routine, visualizing his upcoming
shot, when a voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker.
"Would the gentleman on the Ladies tee back up to the men's tee,
please!"
Murray was still deep in his routine, seemingly impervious to the
interruption.
Again the announcement - "Would the MAN on the WOMEN'S tee kindly
back up to the men's tee!"
That was too much for Murray. He broke his stance, lowered his club back
to the ground and raised his voice.
"Would the announcer in the clubhouse kindly be quiet and let me play
my second shot?"
Just a dumb bird?
A burglar was cruising through a posh suburb looking for a target of
opportunity. At one house he saw a truck unloading a big screen
television, stereo, and video outfit. All the gear had to cost thousands
of dollars. He made a mental note and went on his way.
The next day he was back in the same neighborhood. When he drove past the
house with all the goodies, he saw an elderly couple loading suitcases
into the trunk of their car. He could hardly wait.
That night, without a moon in the sky and a heavy fog, he drove up to the
house. He rang the doorbell and when no one answered, broke the lock on
the kitchen door and went in.
It was pitch black inside as he made his way through the kitchen, then the
dining room and into the den where he expected to find the things he
wanted to steal.
"I see you and Jesus sees you," a voice said.
The burglar froze in his tracks.
"I see you and Jesus sees you," the voice said again.
When nothing more happened, the burglar took out his flashlight and
shinned it in the direction of the voice. All he saw was a parrot on its
perch.
"I see you and Jesus sees you."
The burglar laughed.
"Just a dumb bird," he said.
The burglar closed the drapes before turning on a lamp and that's when he
saw a big and mean looking Doberman pinscher sitting beneath the parrot's
perch.
"Sic him, Jesus!" the parrot said.
The Littlest Firefighter:
The 26-year-old mother stared down at her son who
was dying of terminal leukemia. Although her heart was filled with
sadness, she also had a strong feeling of determination. Like
any parent she wanted her son to grow up and fulfill all his dreams. Now
that was no longer possible. The leukemia would see to that. But she
still wanted her son's dreams to come true. She took her son's hand
and asked, "Billy, did you ever think about what you wanted to
be once you grew up? Did you ever dream and wish what you would do with
your life?" "Mommy, I always wanted to be a fireman when I
grew up." Mom smiled back and said, "Let's see if we can make
your wish come true." Later that day she went to her local fire
department in Phoenix, Arizona, where she met Fireman Bob, who had a
heart as big as Phoenix.She explained her son's final wish and asked if it
might be possible to give her six year old son a ride around
the block on a fire engine. Fireman Bob said, "Look, we can do
better than that. If you'll have your son ready at seven o'clock
Wednesday morning, we'll make him an honorary fireman for the
whole day. He can come down to the fire station, eat with us, go out on
all the fire calls, the whole nine yards! "And if you'll give
us his sizes, we'll get a real fire uniform for him, with a
real fire hat -- not a toy one -- with the emblem of the
Phoenix Fire Department on it, a yellow slicker like we wear and
rubber boots. They're all manufactured right here in Phoenix,
so we can get them fast." Three days later Fireman Bob picked up
Billy, dressed him in his fire uniform and escorted him from his
hospital bed to the waiting hook and ladder truck. Billy got to sit on the
back of the truck and help steer it back to the fire station. He was in
heaven. There were three fire calls in Phoenix that day and Billy
got to go out on all three calls. He rode in the different fire
engines, the paramedic's van, and even the fire chief's car. He was
also videotaped for the local news program. Having his dream
come true, with all the love and attention that was lavished upon
him, so deeply touched Billy that he lived three months longer than any
doctor thought possible. One night all of his vital signs began to
drop dramatically and the head nurse, who believed in the hospice
concept that no one should die alone, began to call the family
members to the hospital. Then she remembered the day Billy had spent
as a fireman, so she called the Fire Chief and asked if it
would be possible to send a fireman in uniform to the hospital
to be with Billy as he made his transition. The chief replied,
"We can do better than that. We'll be there in five minutes.
Will you please do me a favor? When you hear the sirens
screaming and see the lights flashing, will you announce over the PA
system that there is not a fire? It's just the fire department
coming to see one of its finest members one more time. And will
you open the window to his room? About five minutes later a
hook and ladder truck arrived at the hospital, extended its ladder
up to Billy's third floor open window and 16 firefighters climbed up
the ladder into Billy's room. With his mother's permission, they hugged
him and held him and told him how much they loved him. With
his dying breath, Billy looked up at the fire chief and said,
"Chief, am I really a fireman now?" "Billy, you
are," the chief said. With those words, Billy smiled and
closed his eyes one last time. My instructions were to
send this to four people that I wanted God to bless and I
picked you. Please pass this to four people you want to be blessed
as well as the person who sent it to you. This prayer is
powerful and there is nothing attached, please do not
break this pattern; prayer is one of the best gifts we receive. There is
no cost but a lot of rewards, let's continue to pray for one
another. God bless and have a nice day! Father, I ask you to bless
my friends, relatives and email buddies reading this right now. Show
them a new revelation of your love and power. Holy Spirit, I ask you
to minister to their spirit at this very moment. Where there is
pain, give them your peace and mercy. Where there is self doubt,
release a renewed confidence through your grace, Amen."
Continue to be blessed...because I am, (Alipate)
Adios Erap Jokes!
Good News: Erap is no longer a president.
Bad News: He would be happy to get another government post-Chief
PAGCOR!
GAMBLING FATHER
Who art in jueteng
hakot be thy name
thy kickback come
thy wealth be done,
in Wack-Wack as it is in San Juan.
Give me this day
My daily bribe
And conceal all my sins
As I conceal
those who sin along with me
And if I am Lead into temptation
Deliver me from criticism
For mine is the country,
its power, and its money
forever and ever
Amen.
response:
Aba Ginoong Estrada
Napupuno ka ng kwarta
Ang panginoon ng jueteng ay sumasaiyo
Bukod kang pinagpala sa lahat ng bobo
At pinagpala ka naman ng kay raming kulasisi mo.
*********************
Erap's Mi ultimo Adios
Mi parte de jueteng wala na.
Mis compadres y lords nabuking na.
Los mansiones de mis queridas ini-imbistiga
Mis amigos de la Camara el ultimo pagasa.
********************
In a cabinet meeting…
Erap (galit na galit) There have been a lot of allegation these days,
and I would like to know who the ALLIGATORS are!
********************
IQ check…
Q: Why cant ERAP resign?
A: Because that would be one intelligent thing to do.
*******************
PAL pilot before landing: Mr President, we have begun our descent to
NAIA. Please fasten your zipper and return "Weng" to her upright
position.
*********************
Q: Kung ang tawag kay Marcos ay diktador, ano kay Erap?
A: Eh, di kubrador.
*********************
Reporter: Mr President, how do you keep your women happy?
Erap: Pa sing sing lang yan. Konting romansing and a lot of housing.
********************
Nasa simbahan ka.
Pagtingin mo sa tabi mo for the Sign of Peace ay si Erap pala. Ano ang
gagawin mo?
Magpakatotoo ka. Ngumiti ka at sabihin mo. "Impeach be with
you".
********************
Q: Why is the Philippines a banana republic?
A: Because it has a sagging economy and a monkey for a president.
(Bob Roa)
Just One Word
Two sisters inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few
years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from
repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can
breed their own stock.
The one sister balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600
dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale.
Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to
buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it
home."
The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides
she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599,
no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her
sister a telegram to tell her the news.
She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a
telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I
need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we
can haul it home."
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds,
"It's just 99 cents a word."
Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She
realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.
After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to
send her the word, 'comfortable.'"
The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to
know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive
out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word,
'comfortable'?"
The sister explains, "She'll read it very slow."
Monday, January 15, 2001
Final Exam
It was the final examination for an introductory English course at the
local university. Like many such freshman courses, it was designed to weed
out new students, having over 700 students in the class!
The examination was two hours long, and exam booklets were provided. The
professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on
his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would
fail.
1/2 hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the professor
for an exam booklet.
"You're not going to have time to finish this," the professor
stated sarcastically as he handed the student a booklet.
"Yes I will," replied the student. He then took a seat and began
writing.
After two hours, the professor called for the exams, and the students
filed up and handed them in. All except the late student, who continued
writing.
1/2 hour later, the last student came up to the professor who was sitting
at his desk preparing for his next class. He attempted to put his exam on
the stack of exam booklets already there.
"No you don't, I'm not going to accept that. It's late."
The student looked incredulous and angry. "Do you know WHO I
am?"
"No, as a matter of fact I don't," replied the professor with an
air of sarcasm in his voice.
"DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?" the student asked again.
"No, and I don't care." replied the professor with an air of
superiority.
"Good," replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of
completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and walked out of the room.
Password
A woman is helping her computer-illiterate husband set up his computer.
She instructs him to choose and enter a password he wants to use when
logging on.
The husband, in a rather amorous mood, figures he will try for a
shock effect to bring his mood to his wife's attention.
When the computer asks him to enter his password, he makes it plainly
obvious to his wife
that he is keying in "PENIS"...
His wife nearly falls off her chair from laughing so hard when the
computer
replies:
***PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH. ***
*** PLEASE TRY A NEW ONE. ***
Story
about parrots
This lady approaches a priest and tells him,
"Father, I have a problem. I inherited these two talking female
parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they
say?", the priest asked. "They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're
prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'." "That's
terrible!", the priest exclaimed. "I do have a solution to your
problem. Bring your two talking female parrots over to my house and I will
put them with my two male talking parrots who I have taught to pray and
read the Bible, then my parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying
that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to pray and
worship." "Thank you." said the lady. So the next day, the
lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house. The priest's two
male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady
put her female talking parrots in with the male talking parrots and the
female parrots said, "Hi, we're prostitutes! Do you want to have some
fun?" One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and
screams, "Put your Bible away Frank, our prayers have been
answered!!"
The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly
Contributed by Alipate Vosaicake (Fiji)
Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills
Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them
Good: Your son studies a lot in his room
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there
Ugly: You're in them
Good: Your husband understands fashion
Bad: He's a cross-dresser
Ugly: He looks better than you
Good: Your son's finally maturing
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door
Ugly: So are you
Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your
daughter
Bad: She keeps interrupting
Ugly: With corrections
Good: Your daughter got a new job
Bad: As a hooker
Ugly: Your coworkers are her best clients
Way ugly: She makes more money than you do
Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: It's triplets
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.
One
day The Lord came to Adam to pass on some news.
"I've got some good news and some bad news", The Lord said.
Adam looked at The Lord and said, "Well, give me the good news
first."
Smiling, The Lord explained, "I've got two new organs for you, one is
called a brain. It will allow you to be very intelligent, create new
things, and have intelligent conversations with Eve."
"The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will allow you
to reproduce your now intelligent life form and populate this planet. Eve
will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her
children."
Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great gifts you have given
to me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?"
The Lord looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow, "The bad news
is that when I created you, I only gave you enough blood to operate one of
these organs at a time."
Here’s one for
women’s quick wits.
The Fairy
A couple had been
married for 25 years and had also just celebrated their 60th birthdays.
During the
celebration a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a
loving couple all those years, she would give them one wish each.
The wife wanted to
travel around the world.
The fairy waved her
wand and poof...
She had the tickets
in her hand.
Next, it was the
husband's turn. He paused for a moment, then said, "Well, I'd like to
have a woman 30 years younger than me."
The fairy picked up
her wand and poof...
He was 90...
All men are
bastards but at least the fairies are on our side……
Don't you just love
it????
|
|