Umm...yes. When PhilomathBrian came to visit, he told me that Nik doesn't hate me. He mentioned that nik would have liked to come. I was instantly thrown into mental and emotional CHAOS! It was so much easier just to have him not like me. It meant I could just put him out of my head. But now--now I kindof have what I was wanting. I guess. We can be friends again now...right? Ohgod i hope so. and yet...knowing how our relationship has been in the past, this might just complicate things all the more. ACK! PANICKS! My feelings about nik have always been really complicated and intricate, and I never quite figure out what they are. I still wear his sweatshirt and see his picture on my bulletin board, and I still wear the necklace he gave me....why? I can't just use my old excuse (that he's the best kisser I've ever met--which is absofuckinglutely true) any more, or that I want our friendship back. I don't know WHY I --- why I what? What was I going to put there? See, I don't even know what I feel. Fuck, this feels like high school again. I sound pathetic. ARG! I was hoping that typing all this out would make it come clear, somehow resolve itself into a simple package, but it's not. Damnit, this isn't helping. And what about Bryan (WashingtonBryan, the one I'm dating)? Where does he fit into all this? I like Bryan...sure, I'm using him for physical and emotional comfort, but that's to be expected...that's what relationships are about. ::sighs:: I just don't know. I'm going to try not to think about this.

~Teensy