I started chatting in September of 1995 during my freshman year at college. I found L'Hotel Chat in November, just after Thanksgiving. I've been chatting there since. I've made great friends, met more than a few of them, and even dated a couple of guys I met from there in real time. I never actually expected to meet my soul mate there.

On December 10, 1997, I was on my way to work and stopped by the college to check my email. Of course, I had to stop in the Hotel and see who was online. It was around Christmas and I was using a Christmasy handle. It attracted attention... from a guy with the handle Cameron. We talked for a bit, exchanging the basic information -- I was 20, he was 21, I was from Iowa, he was stationed in Maine in the Navy, and his name was Duncan, etc. -- and then I had to leave, so we exchanged ICQ numbers. I didn't expect to hear from him again. I was wrong. The next night, I received this email...

Hi Crystal,

Just wanted to drop you a line and let you know how much I enjoyed chatting with you tonight. I imagine right now you are watching the TV at work... *smile* Don't work too hard. I hope this message finds you before your Christmas vacation but if it doesn't, then I wish you a very happy holiday season and a joyous New Year...*grin* Yanno... I always sound like such a dork in e-mail... wish I knew why... *chuckle* Anyways... I hope to see ya sometime soon. Take care sweetie...

Duncan was online on my ICQ, so I said hello. We talked for about five hours, until he HAD to go to bed at midnight, his time, as he had to get up at 4:30am. I was dating a guy who lived three hours from me at the time and was supposed to see him that weekend to decide if we wanted to continue dating. By the time Thursday night had ended, I knew my answer.

I had Duncan's phone number tucked safely in my pocket. I called him for the first time late on Friday night, December 12th. I heard his voice for the first time on his voice mail, and I instantly loved it. I didn't leave a message until the next morning and left him my hotel number. Duncan called later that evening, both of us with others, and getting ready to go out, although we admitted later that neither of us wanted to hang up. He was supposed to call later that night when he got in, and if I wasn't there he'd leave a message so I could call back. He did, but I never got it, so we didn't talk until I got back to my house Sunday night, the 14th. He was sleeping with the phone by his bed, hoping I'd call.

We talked all night, right up to the point he had to get up to get ready for work. I'll never forget the moment I asked what he thought of long-distance relationships. "In my experience, they've never worked out before... but I'm willing to try it with you." So, we were officially a couple, within four days of our online meeting. There was an immediate connection between us and both of us seemed to just *know*.

Within the first week, we began to fall in love. The following Saturday I went shopping in Nebraska. I was supposed to spend the night in Nebraska, with my grandmother, because we were celebrating Christmas there, but I knew that I'd miss Duncan far too much and decided to stay just for the day. While shopping, my cousin found this adorable stuffed dog and I knew it was the perfect gift for Duncan. I carried it around the store as I finished shopping and knew as we headed to the checkout line that I wouldn't want to give it up. We hunted through the shelves of stuffed animals until we found an identical dog and I bought both of them. Later that night, but without revealing to Duncan exactly what his gift was, we decided his dog would be named Angel, since it was part of my handle and my dog would be Cameron after his online nickname. I slept with Cameron every night from that point on. And that night was the same night we exchanged our first I love you's.

When Duncan returned to the base after Christmas he was informed that he would be going on a restricted deployment to Iceland for the next seven months. We were both heartbroken. That meant little, if any, contact at all but he said we could find ways to keep in touch. He had to leave a week later for a short three week detachment in southern California was scheduled to leave February 2, 1998 for Iceland. We had planned on meeting in real time over Valentine's Day weekend... but knew it wouldn't be possible to meet until September of 98. We vowed to wait for each other and felt our love was strong enough to last. And it was... until March.

It was around that time, in the early spring of 98, that Duncan told me, in a rare ICQ-chat, that upon his return to Maine he'd have two weeks off before being transferred to Guam for two years. I was devastated. After much soul-searching, and a lot of things in my life taking a turn for the worse, I faced a harsh reality -- it was over. There was no way we could last two years with little contact. I cried a lot during that time -- for the man I loved, the man who shared my soul, the man I wanted to do nothing but spend the rest of my life with although we had never met face-to-face. I cried for the fate that wasn't allowing us to be together.

And then I met Shane online. He made me laugh and took my mind off what was going wrong in my life. When I got kicked out of my parents' house that April, he sent me flowers, called me on the phone to reassure me everything would be all right. Shane offered to buy me a ticket so we could meet. I had vacation time at work, and I needed it, so from May 23-31, I spent time with Shane in Canada. I knew he was in love with me and it was at this time that I realized I cared a lot more about him than I wanted to admit. I hadn't talked to Duncan in weeks and thought that there was no chance for us. I took the advice of my friends and "went for it" with Shane -- still in love with Duncan, but knowing we couldn't be together. A week after returning home, my whole world crumbled and I found myself in Canada once again -- this time with a one-way ticket.

I didn't tell anyone but my best friends goodbye. Shortly after moving, I'd called Duncan's number and to my surprise he answered. We talked for a while and I told him I was in Canada but didn't tell him why. I told him I loved him and he said the same.

A month later I found out he had known all along. Duncan returned on May 25th because he'd been promoted to officer class and the Navy wanted to utilize his civilian flight experience, so he was sent to Florida for training. One of my online friends told him where I was, and what had happened. I heard from him, in the form of an email, in August, but he was engaged by that time. Shortly thereafter, he married.

We still have a connection. Just before I hear from him I have an extremely intense, realistic dream about him. We've kept in touch, somewhat, at his pace. Recently Duncan contacted me on ICQ again. We talked for hours, catching up. He's now expecting a child and I'm happy for him... honestly. I'm not as happy with the decision I made because I'm still in love with Duncan in some ways, but I am now engaged to Shane. I care about Shane, but I'm just not sure I love him the way I should to marry him.

I truly believe Duncan was my soul mate and I screwed that up. But, what is important to me right now is that we ARE friends. Duncan believes we still share a connection, and as he put it, we are best friends with benefits. It was a fairy-tale romance with a bittersweet happy ending... that will never really end.

Crys