No matter what you hear to the contrary, the visual/physical aspect of a relationship does matter, even when developing online. I wish I could count the number of times I've heard someone say of their "cyberlover", "I don't care what he/she looks like, I'm in love", only to later find, that physically, there was nothing appealing, and it had a negative effect on the relationship. What causes this phenomenon?

The mind is an interesting thing. When it's missing data it will make up its own. This missing data is called 'expectation'. It's what our mind perceives to be true about someone. Your love tells you 'I have blue eyes, brown hair, a great smile'. The mind will instantly try to make a picture. Often, the picture our mind makes, and reality, are not the same.

We have a tendency to mold our online loved one into our idea of a perfect specimen. When we later receive a picture of the loved one, or meet them in person without the benefit of a picture beforehand, our mind has to make the necessary adjustments. This period I term as 'reconciliation'. Usually, the real person can never match the mental image one has created of his/her perfect mate met in text or visualized in a picture.

Right before that first face-to-face, there are going to be expectations, no matter how hard you try not to form them. Some people have high expectations, others, low expectations. The survival of the relationship depends entirely on whether or not the individual can reconcile those expectations with the living, breathing person they finally meet. If they can't reconcile their expectations, the relationship suddenly dies. The biggest clue that this has happened is when one or the other doesn't have any explanation for their sudden disinterest in the relationship. They really like/love the inner person, but they can't see themselves with the other physically, even though they might match spiritually. It's that visual thing rearing its ugly head.

Did you see a picture of your online love before the emails started to fly and the phone started to ring? Think all this doesn't apply to you? Think again. Keep in mind that a picture doesn't always reflect the way someone really looks real time... especially if its one of those "Glamour Shots". Of all the Glamour Shots I've seen, only one, of a former co-worker, looked exactly like her every day look... the rest were far different, and there have been a few instances where I've had to ask who was in the picture, learning it was someone I knew rather well! Glamour Shots are nice, but let's be realistic, most people don't look like that every day. Okay, so it's not a Glamour Shot, but a picture can still be a bit deceiving. I met a man who had a video camera hooked to his computer and over the course of a two day period he sent several stills of himself. In each picture he tended to look quite different. That happens with some people. Keep that in mind.

So you've got the picture and let's assume that it really does reflect what the person looks like in the flesh... and you're attracted. Your worries are over, right? Notta. Let's not forget how important gestures, facial expressions and mannerisms can be. Even with a picture you're still missing that data. A nervous habit, nail biting, open flatuation (this seems to be a big one with males (sorry guys), belching in public, nose picking, a man with feminine mannerisms, a female with masculine mannerisms or even some facial expressions, can be unappealing... and these things don't manifest themselves over the wire or in pictures.

How can we avoid this problem? I feel its best to get the picture exchange out of the way at in the beginning, and if there seems to be the least little bit of spark, then meet early on. I've read the advice of some professionals saying it is best to take things slowly and avoid meeting at the start of the relationship. I have to disagree.

Meeting early on has several advantages. First, it allows the mind little time to conjure up unrealistic images. Second, you'll know up front if the physical attraction is there. Third, you'll witness the gestures, mannerisms, and habits, well some of them anyway, up close and personal. Fourth, its a time saving factor.

If after a meeting, or maybe two, there is no 'chemistry', then you haven't invested, and possibly wasted, a lot of time. Nothing is more discouraging than to spend weeks or months emailing, chatting and paying large phone bills, only to meet and find that you're not attracted physically. Many an emotional online love affair has ended abruptly after meeting real time because of a lack of physical attraction. No, looks aren't everything, but if you don't find at least something physically appealing about the other person you can bet the relationship will be short lived.