.                      Bonds of Choice #7
                  Star Wars: TPM FanFic Series
                         by HiperBunny
                        (message 1 of 3)
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Qui-Gon settled the last of his things in his quarters and lay down on his
bed for a think.  Corubia and Obi-Wan had outfitted one of the rooms on the
upper deck for his rooms, installed a sort of observation window in the
ceiling so he could watch the stars from his bed if he chose.  The flitting
lights soothed his thoughts, let him relax and consider without needing to
remove himself from his personal space.  They had offered to make another
chamber for Torlamin, but she had declined, on the grounds that she was not
often on the Gannet.

That was true enough.  More often than not Torlamin's duties kept her on or
near Coruscant, not far from the observing eyes of the Council.  No doubt
she told herself that it was an honor.  In fact, it showed a distinct lack
of trust on the part of the Order to keep her so close.  The fact that he
and Obi-Wan were often sent to distant systems to solve complex problems
spoke volumes to those who knew how to read the subtext.

Additionally, much of Corubia's training had taken place on or near
Coruscant.  Now, admittedly, there were certain health-related issues for
her particular species of merbeings that had influenced the forum for her
training, but it was still quite odd how often she was kept on-planet,
under the training of someone else when Torlamin was sent offworld. 
Corubiasitting had become one of the main pastimes for Masters stationed at
the Temple.  The Council had even begun to pick up slack with her case, now
that she was advanced far enough.  Again, there was an implied honor to
having the Council work with one's student.  But in the subtext…Qui-Gon
sighed.

That he had failed to read the subtext regarding Rue Torlamin was weighing
heavily on his mind just now.

*She's so good at hiding what it is she does.  I wonder who else knows? * 
Well, Kourt, surely.  He had a nose for that sort of subterfuge.  He made a
habit of keeping himself well-informed of activities within the order. 
Qui-Gon could hear him now. "Ignorance is the strength of the
underhanded.   Maintain a lack of education in your opponents and you have
all the power you need."

This seemed to be a lesson Torlamin had learned on her own.

*She wanted so much to be part of us, one of us, though she were as
ill-suited to the task as any I have ever seen. *  Now he wondered just
what she thought Kourt was doing in his study.  Nothing like what was
happening, clearly.  *Obi-Wan is in danger. *

That was certainly clear now.

He turned over onto his stomach, buried his head in the pillows.   *It must
be done now, and quickly.  I can not let him go on as he is, half-informed
if that.  He must be instructed most thoroughly in his own abilities, more
thoroughly even than I was at his age. *

Qui-Gon was more than confident that Obi-Wan would see and understand
quickly what he was.  If they could just get past that damned flaw!  His
disbelief in his own worth would have to be overcome.  It had been
Qui-Gon's hope to guide him slowly, let his perspective shift naturally,
over time.  It seemed that would be a luxury he could not afford.  Well
then, nothing for it.  *I'll just present him with the facts and let him
draw his own conclusions.  And if he draws the incorrect conclusions, I'll
just…give him the answers. *

The thought galled him.  Qui-Gon was not over-fond of forcing ideas and
opinions on his students.  He much preferred that they get the sense of
achievement that came from working things out on their own.  But in this
instance, no mistake could be made.  No matter how uncomfortable or
difficult it might be to fit the ideas of being a High Potential might
conflict with Obi-Wan's current self-image, he must be made to understand
his abilities and the duties that came with them.  

*He MUST. *

A Jedi's greatest tool, most reliable weapon, was his or her mind.  More
battles were fought with the intellect than in any other arena.  From
philosophy to history to language to science, it was information, in great
quantity, that paved the road of success for himself and countless others. 
So it would also be for Obi-Wan.  Yes, his heightened reflexes, physical
attributes and battle-training would save his life.  But what they would
save was not Obi-Wan, Jedi Warrior, but the mind that held control over
those abilities.  Harbored within his body, his mind, was a treasure of
wisdom and thought that would create the legacy of a great Jedi Knight.

Just as it had for Qui-Gon and others like himself.

Over the years, Qui-Gon had seen Obi-Wan interact with many other
Padawans.  There were few he felt truly comfortable with, though he had
many acquaintances.  Corubia was far and away his best friend, an
association Qui-Gon encouraged as much for her benefit as his.  There were
others, though, that he knew to be well within Obi-Wan's circle of trust. 
Two, in particular, had been quite close to him for many years, though
their paths did not often cross of late.  *I should have made sure he
stayed closer to them, * Qui-Gon chided himself.  *I'll be sure to correct
that, and soon. *

When first Obi-Wan had become his Padawan, he had spent much time with
Swed, Jinji and Corubia.  It was with them that he had come up through the
ranks of the Trainees, with them that he found his bearings as a Padawan,
and with them that he stood as an equal rather than a superlative.  They
had created a nice comfort zone for one another, helped one another in
their endeavors.  Jenji, a gifted artist, had often used Obi-Wan and Swed
as her subjects.  Corubia had orchestrated pranks on a monumental scale
with them all.  Swed, well, he was an odd duck even among odd ducks.  Given
to severe depression and overexertion, he'd needed the others to remind him
to rest, to fool around, to stop thinking and working all the time.

And Obi-Wan? Well, he'd been in charge.  Always.  The others turned to him
in times of crisis, personal or otherwise.  He had never failed them or
taken them down the road of failure.  Sometimes the paths he'd chosen
were…less than reputable, but they were always better for the journey.

Somewhere in the last two years or so, their paths had diverged.  The
assignments of their respective teachers had brought them together less
often and schedules had allowed them less time together when they all
happened to be in the same place at the same time.  It was during this
period of separation that Obi-Wan's feelings of unworthiness had really
begun to show itself.  Qui-Gon had no doubt that it had always been there. 
Everyone has something like that lurking about.  But clearly the approval
of his Master hadn't been enough to keep those feelings at bay once his
friends had somewhat faded from his life. 

Or perhaps his master had simply failed to let his approval be fully felt.

Qui-Gon tossed restlessly as that thought took hold.  *Have I failed him so
completely?  Did I do nothing to make him feel loved and cared for? *

He considered the last two years carefully, tried to understand when it was
that Obi-Wan had sincerely begun to loose a grip on his own self-worth.  He
could trace it neatly to the root, to the exact moment when his Koateleu
had sincerely faltered in his self-perception.  The path was thankfully a
short one, but it indicated something sincerely disturbing.

Although there had been hints and snatches of uncertainty, Obi-Wan had not
really begun to loose his center until that mission to save the Kurasians. 
Only then, when he had taken life on his own, without Qui-Gon's comforting
presence, had he begun to question his motives and ultimately himself, his
worth.

Hard on the heels of that came his confession of love for Qui-Gon.  

Qui-Gon mulled that thought carefully.  Could their… relationship… come
from some kind of confusion, schism in self-perception?  Was it, in short,
a mistake?  The thought chilled him to the core.  He had felt Obi-Wan's
love for him, had thought it to be a clean, true emotion…but if it were
rooted in Obi-Wan's feelings of unworthiness it could not be allowed to go
on.

Several questions rolled around in Qui-Gon's mind. Did Obi-Wan's
declaration of love come from honest feelings?  Was his current reticence
to make their relationship a more permanent thing from the feelings of
unworthiness he now struggled with?  Or had he reached out for love,
approval, in this way simply because he hadn't had much of an option at the
time?

Qui-Gon drew long, deep breaths, tried to calm his heart.  If Obi-Wan did
not truly love him, he would accept that.  There was no other option.  He
had loved and lost before, he would survive again, if need be.  If Obi-Wan
offered nothing more than what they had now, at this moment, Qui-Gon would
count himself well-blessed and deeply rewarded for all time.  He would hope
for nothing more, but hold himself still and await Obi-Wan's pleasure with
as much grace as he could manage.

Until then, there was much work to be done.  A great many lessons must yet
be taught before such questions could be answered.  He must prepare his
Padawan to handle problems much more serious and far-reaching than who he
did and did not love.  He was on the edge of a developmental stage that
would be life-altering in the extreme.  He would needed all the information
available and he needed it now.  This very day.

"Ignorance is the weapon of the underhanded.  I must not put such a weapon
into Torlamin's or any other's hand.  Not to be wielded over my Koateleu. 
He is ready."

Qui-Gon got up off the bed and began scanning through the information he
would need to impart to Obi-Wan.  He would arm his student with the one
weapon that could never fail him.  Self-knowledge.

************************************

Obi-Wan and Corubia installed themselves in the cockpit.  They laid in a
switchback route to their final destination while Corubia filled Obi-Wan in
on the gossip back on Coruscant and undid the 'Faydrus Dekk' hairdo. "Do
you remember that Juka Mora?  You'll never guess what happened to him."

"I'm sure I won't, considering I don't recall him," Obi-Wan replied.

"What?  I thought better of you than that, Kenobi.  You've always
remembered their names before." Corubia broke out in a huge grin.  "Oh,
come on.  The one you picked up in the Common Room, right after you lost
your apartment. Remember?"

"Oh! Oh, right, right! Cor, look. Nothing happened. I crashed out there and
went back to Qui-Gon's suite the next morning, ever faithful to my Jedi
morality." Obi-Wan let heavy sarcasm drip from the statement.  "You know
the score here.  How could you even think I'd do that?"

"You're serious about it not being serious between you two?" Corubia
pressed.

"Just like I want it.  Oh, the sex is great, don't get me wrong!  But you
know I can't let it get… complicated.  He's in deep enough for both of us,
but that's a luxury I can't afford.  Not now." Obi-Wan stretched and popped
his back.

Corubia gave him an appraising glance, then asked, "Did I ever tell you the
story of Ulanta and Pantreti?"

"Oh boy, why do I think there's an object lesson coming my way?  You spend
too much time with Yoda," Obi-Wan complained.

"Well, not so much any more, but this really does apply.  See, there was
this girl named Ulanta.  She wanted to be a great warrior and scholar and
so on, never spent any time just being relaxed and maybe taking a partner,
right?  So then there was this guy, Pantreti, who knew her really well,
spent a lot of time training with her, in fact, he loved her.  They were
perfect for each other, but Ulanta wouldn't acknowledge it.  One day,
Pantreti declared his love for her, but she got scared and ran away.  He
pursued.  She called out to her goddess,"

"Goddess? Come on, Cor, you're really stretching it now," Obi-Wan chuckled.

"Yeah, well, just go with it, okay?  So the goddess looks down and says,
yeah, I'll get you out of this, and turns Ulanta into a strong vine.  So
Pantreti sees this happening and calls to his god, begging for a way to be
with his true partner.  The god turns Pantreti into a stout tree growing
near the vine.  Over time, the vine grew and twined itself to the strong
tree and the lovers were together for always."  Corubia finished her story
with a grin. " So what does that tell you?"

"Um, deities have really strange ideas of how to help out?"

"Skies, Kenobi! Doesn't that story remind  you of anyone?" she exploded.

"Okay, okay. I get it.  You think this is like me and Qui-Gon.  So which
one am I? Pantreti?"

"No, you dimwit Human Being!  You're Ulanta!  You're the pursued! 
Qui-Gon's Pantreti, 'He who pursues by standing calm and strong'! Oh, I
don't know why I even bother with you!" Corubia sat and took over the
flight controls.

Obi-Wan pondered that for a long moment.  "Uh. Well.  So, what about Juka
Mora?"

"He finally passed his physical.  Took him long enough.  You'd think a
Master like his could get him into higher form faster than that." Corubia's
eyes darkened for a moment.  "I'm glad we don't have to worry about that. 
If I had to go through status trials every year, I think I'd die."

"Yeah, and it's just dumb luck that Qui-Gon's so good he brings my records
up with him.  Otherwise, I'd be right along with most of the other
Padawans." 

"Right, Kenobi.  You just tag along and Qui-Gon does all the work.  I've
seen the reports you two turn in.  You're good at what you do, more than a
perfect partner for Qui-Gon.  You know what Luce said she heard her Master
talking about with Master Windu?  They're saying they want you and Master
Jinn as a permanent team.  I mean, if you want to, once you pass the
Trials." Corubia turned in her chair to look at him. "Would you want to?"

Obi-Wan swallowed around the lump that had suddenly sprung in his throat. 
"How serious do you think they are?" He asked.

"I don't know. I only got the dirt secondhand. Why?"

"Qui-Gon asked me the same thing this morning.  Do you think he's heard
something concrete?" Obi-Wan turned a worried look towards his friend. 

"Could be.  He might have made the suggestion himself," Corubia pointed
out. 

"Nah.  He's probably worried that he won't be able to scrape me off if the
Council puts a hand in.  I mean, if they offered it to me, I'd be mad to
turn it down.  Besides, Qui-Gon … don't you dare repeat this.  And this
goes beyond that weird crush he's picked up.  I think he's starting to like
me." Obi-Wan blushed from top to toes.

"You THINK he's STARTING to like you?  Kid, did you ever get over your
assignment anxiety?  I think it's pretty obvious he …" she snapped her
mouth shut. "Good day, Master Jinn."

"Good day, Corubia.  Obi-Wan, I want to speak to you.  Can you handle this
yourself, Corubia?" 

"Blindfolded, Master Jinn."

"That sounds like a good idea. Do so." 

Corubia groaned and Obi-Wan chuckled as he stood to go. 

**********************  

Qui-Gon led Obi-Wan to the meeting room where he had been punished during
their journey to Renal Sejon.  Obi-Wan pushed that memory down even as
Qui-Gon spoke. "Cloak, boots and socks by the door, Padawan." 

Obi-Wan forced himself to keep breathing.  He could withstand any
punishment, any trial. He always had and always would, because Qui-Gon
would never try him beyond his strength.  Oh, up to the limit and hold it
there for a while, but never beyond his ability. Of this Obi-Wan was quite
certain.  

"Sit where you will, Padawan." 

Obi-Wan chose to curl up on the low ledge by the window. He pulled his
knees up under his chin and wrapped his arms around his legs. What it
lacked in formality it made up for in Obi-Wan's sense of security.  Qui-Gon
did not protest, but brought a stack of printouts to the window and settled
in beside him.  His countenance was calm and unreadable.

"Obi-Wan, we're going to look some information over together  Information
that I foolishly believed you had gathered for yourself.  I don't know why
I thought you would have done so.  Do you know what these are?" Qui-Gon
held out the sheaf of hardcopy.

Obi-Wan thumbed through them.  "These are my training records, from before
I was your Padawan."

"And these?" Qui-Gon handed over another stack.

"The rankings that just came out.  What do you want me to do with them,
Master?" Obi-Wan was utterly confused.

"Just begin with the top sheet of your files and start reading. Tell me if
you have any questions.  I'm going to go get us some lunch, so I'll be back
soon." Qui-Gon stood and headed for the galley. 

Obi-Wan sighed and began reading.  The trainee's records were almost never
shown to the subject.  Obi-Wan wondered what he was supposed to find in
them. *Perhaps there is a clue here as to what's wrong with me.  Maybe they
already know how I managed to slip through the system. *  With that
thought, Obi-Wan began reading in earnest, seeking out the kernel of
knowledge that would explain which particular cosmic joke had put a Padawan
braid behind his ear. 

He was almost through the file when Qui-Gon returned.  He threw it down in
disgust and took a mug of tea from the tray.  "It's not in there," he
growled.

"What were you looking for, Padawan?" Qui-Gon asked.

"I don't know. Something. Look at this! 'Subject is ranked third in his
group of eighty.  Displays extremely high intelligence, agility, strength,
mental acuity.  Language skills assessed at the highest levels. 
Mathematics skills will need to be tested at higher levels for a true
measure to be taken.' And here, a year later. 'Subject has mastered three
languages in both written and spoken forms in the past year.  He has been
moved into a physical training group of older trainees.'  And this one
right before you took me as Padawan. This one, I knew about, by the way. 
'Subject unsuitable for regular training.  His special needs will require
handling of the most demanding sort.'  Where is my other assignment? There
must have been records made." Obi-Wan flipped through the sheets again,
almost frantic.

"What other assignment?" Qui-Gon asked.

"Wherever they were going to send me.  I know they were going to put me out
of the Temple, Master Torlamin made that pretty clear from the beginning. 
They didn't leave me in one place long enough to get comfortable.  I don't
know.  If they hadn't been bouncing me and Corubia around together, I might
have gone mad." The file was in serious physical danger, so Qui-Gon
retrieved it.  "Dammit!  I don't understand."

Qui-Gon nodded and handed Obi-Wan his lunch plate.  "So. Corubia was
right.  She's a clever girl, that one.  You have no idea what this file
says, do you?"

Obi-Wan shook his head and lit into his sandwich. "Not really.  I just
wanted to know where they wanted to send me before the Council pushed me
off on you."

"Okay, let's try this another way.  You eat and I'll read.  Pretend we're
talking about, oh, well I imagine you two were pretty much interchangeable
back then.  Imagine this is Corubia's file and tell me what you hear."
Qui-Gon cleared his throat and picked up a page from the middle of the
stack. " ' Subject has difficulty conforming to the level of the training
group.  Advancement recommended immediately.' Or this. ' Manual skills on
par with projected rate.  Lightsaber construction held no apparent
challenges.' And this one. ' Subject accidentally memorized all texts for
the coming term.  Class reassignment as listed.' What does that sound like
to you?" 

"Um," Obi-Wan tried to compute what he'd just heard. It just didn't jibe. 
On the one hand, it sounded like high praise.  Only, he knew it was about
himself, so why would anyone be saying good things?

Qui-Gon waved the question aside and stood. He appeared to be lost in
thought as he paced slowly about the room, then turned to face his student
once more.  "Okay, let's put it another way.  With all these skills and
abilities do you really think the Jedi would have let you out of their
sight for a single moment?  Much less put you out of training?  I assure
you the question was never asked, much less considered.  As far as your
assignment, yes, it was changed.  You were assigned to someone else before
they gave you to me.  I had to argue long and hard to be allowed to take
you, because the Master you were assigned to held considerable rank and had
a great deal of pull with the Council.  Only when they saw us together that
first time did they understand why I was so frantic to have you.  And the
other Master stood aside in favor of me."

"Who?" Obi-Wan's throat was almost too dry for speech.

"Master Yoda.  He was near aching to train you, but even he is subject to
the Will of the Force." Qui-Gon sat again and reached out to stroke
Obi-Wan's cheek.  "My Padawan.  Obi-Wan.  Are you beginning to understand? 
You are no more a burden to me than breathing is.  You are special and
important.  You really are.  Especially to me.  You must try to understand
this if you are to overcome your Enemy.  Will you try?" 

Obi-Wan quirked a smile at his master. "There is do, or do not.  There is
no try."

Qui-Gon smiled back. " Indeed.  And if we are to make it through your
training, I very much need you to 'do'."

"Yes, Master.  May I have some help to study all of this?" Obi-Wan was
pulling the pages back into their proper order.  "It is a shade
overwhelming."

"Of course, Obi-Wan.  And one more thing," Qui-Gon reached out
lightning-quick, moving almost too fast for Obi-Wan to see.  When he
withdrew, the brown silk ribbon had been returned to Obi-Wan's ankle.  "I
don't know what that means to you, but clearly it is important.  Honor me
by wearing it."

Obi-Wan bowed his head obediently. "Yes, Master." His tone was deferential
and low. 

Qui-Gon stood, "I'm going to go check on Corubia. I'll be right back." 

Obi-Wan reached down to touch the ribbon. * Now, my Pantreti, I just have
to work out what I want this to mean.*