. Bonds of Choice #5 Star Wars: TPM FanFic Series by HiperBunny (message 7 of 7) +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ The great tent was lit by chiplights, glittering and surreal. Obi-Wan entered and was led to the middle of the central carpet. There were cushions all around him, coils of rope secured to stakes driven deep into the ground and a long table set with the many articles needed to perform the Semsha Rite. Qui-Gon was taken to a place in the circle of Nurians. The Nes'Nurians moved about the periphery, taking their places as the last preparations were complete. Obi-Wan knelt, centered himself and waited. Sen'Danji Nurian came to stand before him. "Do you come here of your free will?" "Yes, Sen'Danji Nurian." "Will you bear the burden of your responsibility without breaking under its weight?" "Yes, Sen'Danji Nurian." "Who will offer their strength to balance the Weakness within this petitioner?" Qui-Gon spoke, "I will make the Balance." "Then let it begin." Ru'path took up a small dish from the table and brought it to Sen'Danji. "This is the Past, from whence all things progress." Sen'Danji Nurian took a pale green wafer from the dish. "Here is your memory. Take, eat." Obi-Wan opened his mouth and she placed the wafer on his tongue. "Fear is not the enemy. The enemy is within." Obi-Wan closed his lips and swallowed convulsively. The drug coursed down his throat and settled into his belly, hot and aggressive. He closed his eyes, focusing within himself. The reality of the tent, the gathering, his place in time faded and he reached to remember ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Obream Trydal pulled back from their kiss. "Your surrender is the sweetest I have ever tasted, Obi-Wan." "Are you sure it is the surrender that makes it so sweet?" Obi-Wan smiled, touching the smooth cheek. "It is what calls me home to you, no matter what sky I stand beneath." flickflickflick The garden was filled with sunlight, blossoms nodded in the breeze. "Don't leave me again, please, Obream! They'll make you a Master soon! I'm sure Master Qui-Gon would hand my training over to you. He has no wish to bring up another Padawan. I'm only a burden to him. I could be a strength to you. You know I am up to the task." Obream smiled, pulling Obi-Wan closer. "But then what would I dream of returning to?" flickflickflick The bed was a mess, pillows and blankets everywhere, datachips mixed in with empty dishes. Obream leaned over his lightslate memorizing the text that scrolled past his rapidly moving eyes. "Come on, Obream! I've already served one mission to Preda. I know the people, the situation. You don't need to learn all that. Come here and let me teach you something fun," Obi-Wan leaned closer, caught his chin and laid a kiss on his closed lips. "Not now, Padawan. I have work to do." "Don't keep turning from me, love. It breaks my heart every time you do it." "You should have never let your heart get involved here, Kenobi. It's a weakness we Jedi can not afford." Obream pushed him away again. "Don't tell me you have no feelings for me. You can't be that cold, you make me too hot for that to be true." Obi-Wan took the lightslate from Obream's hands. "I love you, I need to be with you." Obream snatched the lightslate back and shoved Obi-Wan off the bed. "If your heart is that easily stolen, I suggest you get it under tighter reign, young Padawan. This is an attachment I can no longer afford to maintain." Obi-Wan stared at the ceiling, shocked and hurt. The light caught and glistened as tears began to fall. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "OBREAM!" Obi-Wan snapped his eyes open, gasping for breath. His throat was raw, breath heaving. He focused his eyes on the brightly colored silk of the tent walls, the figures around him. Qui-Gon leaned over him, putting a cup to his lips. Obi-Wan reached for the cup, found he could not. The ropes held his arms and legs out away from his body. "Master, please. I didn't know. I never knew I shouldn't love ..." "Shh, my Padawan. Shh. Rest yourself." Qui-Gon lifted Obi-Wan's head and helped him to drink. "You've done nothing wrong here." "Please Master. I'm not like that anymore, " Obi-Wan whispered. "Yes you are, Koateleu. You'll see." Sen'Danji stood over Obi-Wan now. "This is Belief. Take, eat." She held out an amber wafer. Obi-Wan closed his lips *No. No more.* Qui-Gon seized Obi-Wan's cheeks, forced his jaws open. "Come now, Obi-Wan. You can do better than that." Obi-Wan nodded, relaxed his jaws, took the wafer and swallowed. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Mace Windu stood over the fallen form of Obi-Wan Kenobi, handed him his lightsaber. "If you keep on like that, you'll fall to the first rioter with any kind of throwing arm. AGAIN!" flickflickflick "Skies above, Obi-Wan!" Corubia was laughing. "You know we can't have anything like that. Not for years yet. Not until we take the Trials, at least. Why do you think I keep myself to myself? Do what must be done. There'll be plenty of time for partners later." flickflickflick "Padawan, sometimes I think you were born just to vex me." Qui-Gon wrapped the bandages carefully. "How can I do any good for the Council if I can not rely on your abilities? I know you're young, but you must try to do better." flickflickflick Master Torlamin sighed, shook her head. "No, Padawan Kenobi. There is no place in your current path for that kind of involvement. Learn to be patient before you ruin yourself beyond any value whatsoever. See to your Master and your learning. There lies the greatest work you can undertake." flickflickflick Jen Rendal stood behind his desk, gesturing with a printout of Obi-Wan's essay. "No. Wrong. I have no other way of saying it. Do it again. This is absolutely devoid of philosophical value." flickflickflick "For the last time, if you can't remember a simple set of instructions, what good are you? Tell me how to help you remember." Qui-Gon cleared the dataset. "Come on, now." flickflickflick Qui-Gon smiled at Padawan Treiva. "See, Obi-Wan? That is the way it should be done. Simplicity itself. Enough for today. Go shower and change, I'll meet you in my quarters and we'll discuss this. Again." flickflickflick "Damn you! That is my Padawan there! At least have the decency to acknowledge him in my presence!" Qui-Gon's face contorted with his anger. flickflickflick Obi-Wan turned from the performance. The play was some long, drawn out drama of true love. *Why should I bother? Love will always be within me, but ever out of reach." flickflickflick The garden bench was cold under his cheek. *I hate this. Why doesn't anyone come to find me? Surely someone must know I have nowhere to sleep. Then again, if they did know, who would care?* He was glad when the rain began to fall. Grateful for something to hide the tears. flickflickflick "You do not need to return my feelings, Master. Love is something I can feel without reciprocation." flickflickflick "Skies, Cor. It's not like I don't know I'll always be alone. I'm not the kind of person to engender loyalty or kindness. That doesn't mean I have to like it," Obi-Wan jerked his robe on roughly. "See ya later." flickflickflick "You'll have to do better than that, Padawan," Qui-Gon laughed. flickflickflick "That's the best you got, Kenobi? Come on, you can do better." Corubia tossed her lightsaber to the other hand. "I'll do it left-handed this time." flickflickflick "I don't care how long it takes. Just get it done. I'll be back in a few hours." The librarian turned to go. flickflickflick "You told me you could do this Obi-Wan. Get it right," Qui-Gon tossed another stack of printouts down. "Maybe this will help. I know you're capable of better." flickflickflickflickflickflickflickflickflickflickflickflickflickflickflick ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The cool cup rim touched his lips again. "Swallow, Obi-Wan. I know, shh. You must stop screaming." "Yes, Master. I'll do better next time." Obi-Wan's voice cracked under the strain of speaking. "You've done perfectly well as it is." "I'll do better. I'll always do better for you. Please, Master, let me do better for you," Obi-Wan choked." "You can do anything you want to, Koateleu. You always could." "I want to be good enough. I'm not trying to be the best, I just want to be good enough." "Shh, come on. Drink a little more." "How much more? What do I do next?" "Almost done, Obi-Wan. We're almost there." "I didn't mean to hurt you. I'm so sorry, I've always tried to please you, Master." "Did you ever try to please yourself?" "What are you talking about?" Sen'Danji touched Qui-Gon's arm and he sat back. "This is the Name. Bring it back to us." Obi-Wan closed his eyes and swallowed. He jerked forward, pulling hard against the ropes. Hands, many hands held him down. His howls rang in his ears, but he felt powerless to silence them. Memory and thought and moment blended together, swirling around inside his head. He opened his eyes, Qui-Gon looked down at him, eyes filled with a dark look. Obi-Wan's heart recoiled at that look, the thing he lived in terror of. It seemed to take his master's whole being, transforming him into some unknowable cipher. It wasn't anger or hurt, nor disappointment. It wasn't anything Obi-Wan could name and that's what bothered him so about it. **Master, please, what have I done?** //What do you mean, Obi-Wan?// **Why are you looking at me like that? Whatever it is, I'll fix it!** //I'm only concerned, Koateleu. Is there something wrong?// The flavor, the truth of these words flowed through Obi-Wan like a flood of light and strength. **Concerned? You're worried? About me?** //Yes, Obi-Wan. What did you think?// Obi-Wan felt what he thought was a laugh bubbling inside him. When it reached his lips, it sounded like a wounded animal being released from a cruel trap. A yelp of mixed pain and freedom tore out of him as recollections filtered through his mind, all the times he had seen that look and trembled. **You care about what's happening to me? Why?** Qui-Gon shook his head, confused. //Why under the skies wouldn't I? You are precious to me.// Obi-Wan felt something scraping against the inside of his left arm. He saw Jenka kneeling beside him with a razor blade, scraping the hair off his arm, what little there was of it. He screamed, surprised. Murana Nurian knelt there also, inspecting a tray full of needles. A pot of black ink sat ready. Obi-Wan pulled harder against the ropes. "You'll have to help us hold him, Qui-Gon," she said. "Let him go. I will hold him myself," Qui-Gon replied. The hands receded and Qui-Gon enfolded his Padawan in bonds of the Force. "Relax, Obi-Wan. It will soon be over." Sen'Danji loomed in again. "You know the name, Obi-Wan. The Enemy within. Tell us the name, Obi-Wan. What is it you believe about yourself, the thing you hide from and try so hard to defeat? In all of us there is a weakness that, being alone, we can not overcome. Tell us it's name that we might help you stand against it. Tell us!" Qui-Gon leaned forward and kissed Obi-Wan gently on the lips. "Tell me, Obi-Wan. Tell me its name." Obi-Wan felt himself shivering, became aware of rivulets of perspiration over his whole body. *What is it, then, Kenobi? What's the demon you're killing yourself to run from? Name the Enemy and you can begin to fight it. Know yourself. Give it reality so it can be fought.* A word fell from his lips before the darkness took him in. *************** When he opened his eyes, Obi-Wan discovered himself to be upon his bed in the tent. He heard the breathing of his master, but could not tell if he was awake or asleep. The darkness clawed at Obi-Wan, sending shivers through his frame. His fingers wandered up towards a burning sensation on his upper left arm and encountered a bandage. *Hmm. Guess I passed the Semsha.* He wasn't sure it was worth it. Tears welled up in his eyes, leaked down and soaked into his pillow. He didn't allow himself to sob, just fell gracelessly into that hollow pit beneath his breastbone. Lonely. So lonely. There was no one in the world that knew of his hurt, or cared. That was normal, something he had grown accustomed to after months and years of isolating himself from the care of others. It was better, he had thought, to not be cared for than to believe yourself loved and find you had been deceived. Better to be alone. That thought was no comfort whatsoever this night. He ached to be close to someone, anyone who might have compassion for him, but could think of no one he felt safe in approaching, especially not at this late hour. Qui-Gon tossed on his bed. *No. I'm definitely not going to wake him up for something as stupid as this,* Obi-Wan reflexively decided. But why not? That is what this night's ceremony had given him a name for, that reflex of snatching his hand in every time he wanted to reach out for comfort, help, anything. Not fear of rejection, he knew he would receive any help he asked for. Just the sure and certain knowledge that he wasn't good enough to receive it. The utter truth of the fact that, although he might get what he asked for, there were others, better than him, who deserved it more and always would. Apparently this was his greatest weakness, for the Name now on his inner arm told him what to call this demon. Forever he would know and recall that this weakness, no matter how powerful to him, could in fact be defeated. That was the reason for naming it. He wondered what the Kurasian script for 'unworthy' looked like. He hoped it wasn't too ugly. Well, maybe he didn't have to ask. Maybe this was something he could do for himself. He felt lonely, knew there was a way to feel less so, if only he dared to do it. He gathered his resolve and a pillow, then set out to cross the thick carpet silently. When he could smell Qui-Gon, hear his breathing more clearly, make out the shadow of his form in the darkness, he settled back down. Better. Not perfect, Obi-Wan couldn't really think of anything that might make him feel safe right now anyway, but this was better. "Obi-Wan?" "Yes, Master?" "What are you doing?" "I'm sorry, Master. I didn't mean to wake you." "I wasn't asleep." "Oh." Obi-Wan turned over on his side, curled an arm under his pillow. "What are you doing, Padawan?" Qui-Gon's voice had that dark, hard edge to it. *Concern, * Obi-Wan reminded himself. "I just ... wanted to be a little closer to you, Master. I'll go back. I'm sorry." Obi-Wan's hurt welled up in his chest, tears brimmed and fell as he got to his knees. "Stop." Obi-Wan froze, didn't even breath. His mind raced over his actions, tried to recall if there was a prescribed punishment for what he had done, could think of none. His chest felt like a cold, aching vacuum. "Look at me," Qui-Gon commanded. Obi-Wan turned on his knees, head down. He lifted his eyes a little, knowing Qui-Gon need only bring his sense of the Force to bear in order to see Obi-Wan. Just as Obi-Wan now looked at his master. Qui-Gon pulled the blankets back and moved over on the cushions that made up his bed. "Come to me, Padawan. Sleep safe beside me and know you are precious to me." "Both, Master? I'm not sure I can," Obi-Wan hedged, wanting nothing more than to retreat to his own bed. "Let me help you, Obi-Wan," Qui-Gon reached out through the Force and let his apprentice feel how he was valued and wanted. Obi-Wan reeled from the input, tried to close down, shield off, block out the craved yet overwhelming sensation. Qui-Gon pulled back, but held his hand out to Obi-Wan. "I want you to feel that without my doing it, Padawan. For now, come here, be safe and looked-after." Obi-Wan crawled closer, settled in on the edge of the bed. Qui-Gon's strong arms curled around his body and dragged him in. A shroud of comfort and calm surrounded them both as they edged over into sleep. //You are worth this, Obi-Wan. You must understand that.// **Then, my Master, I'm afraid you're going to have to teach me how.** //It would be my honor, Koateleu.// And as that name settled into Obi-Wan's mind, with all it's meaning and expression, he found something within himself that he had despaired ever of feeling. Just a spark, a bare hint, to be protected and fed. A tiny glint of faith that he one day might deserve the chance to be loved.