.                      Bonds of Choice #24
                  Star Wars: TPM FanFic Series
                         by HiperBunny
                        (message 3 of 3)
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Obi-Wan settled back against the arm of the sofa, a large mug of cocoa
cradled reverently in his hands.  Neither he nor Qui-Gon had said a single
word as they drank.  It was a sort of ritual, though one they had not
enacted in nearly five years.  Juice and water were their most common
beverages.  Tea was the drink of talk and laughter, sharing and submersion
in the business of living.  Cocoa was, by silent agreement, the magical
elixir for times of trouble.  When things looked grim, when troubles came,
when punishment must be selected and accepted, when they were about to
embark on a particularly dangerous mission, one of them would simply take
down the tin of chocolate powder and prepare this, their most visceral of
meditations.

Though they never spoke nor touched through the Force, this mutual and
silent indulgence never failed to bring them together.  What mere koans,
keto, forms and poses sometimes could not achieve, hot chocolate was
certain to spark a powerful harmony between Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan.  Neither
of them had ever questioned this, nor studied it too deeply.  Rather, they
accepted and were grateful for it, as one must be in the presence of a
Force-sent blessing.

Obi-Wan looked into his mug.  Marshmallows.  Not a good sign.

Obi-Wan took his time in drinking.  Since Qui-Gon had prepared and poured,
it was he who would break the silence.  Obi-Wan spent the time savoring his
drink and lingering on the simple pleasure of being with his Master.  When
both cups were empty and sitting on the low table, Qui-Gon finally spoke.

"Well then.  Where shall I begin?"

Obi-Wan curled up on the end of the sofa while Qui-Gon stood to pace the
room.  He was calm, collected, serene, but only just.  His emotions were
trying to get the better of him, trying to fray and flap in the breeze of
unexpected occurrence and sudden revelation. "Pantreti?" Obi-Wan said,
interrupting his restless movement.

"Yes?"

"Come... come sit..."  Obi-Wan opened his arms and moved his legs apart,
not really sure how to ask.  "Come here so... so I can protect you..."

All the breath seemed to rush out of Qui-Gon in an instant, his eyes
stilled in shock.  Then time moved forward again and he dove into that
welcoming embrace.  He buried his face against Obi-Wan's chest and slid his
arms around his student's ribcage.  Obi-Wan slipped his arms around
Qui-Gon's shoulders and leaned his cheek against soft, fragrant hair.  They
lay still for a long time, breathing in unison and letting go of the
tension, stress, pain, replacing all that with the scent and feel of each
other.

Eventually Qui-Gon twisted around so that he could lean back against
Obi-Wan.  They threaded their fingers together over Qui-Gon's chest and
watched the shadows lengthen.  Neither of them moved to raise the lights. 
Darkness folded around them and they continued to focus upon each other. 
Obi-Wan let his head slip forward so that he could rest his chin on
Qui-Gon's shoulder.  That contact was like a cue.  Qui-Gon began to speak.

"I was so lonely, Obi-Wan.  I was only nineteen, but they were talking
about my Trials already and I didn't know how to stop it.  Can you imagine
such a thing?  Master Yoda wanted me knighted young, wanted it and couldn't
make it happen, no matter what he tried.  They can't call a Padawan a
Knight unless the teacher goes on record saying the Learner has passed his
trials.  That is actually a law in the Order, under the Vigil regulations. 
It saved me, I think.  The only way around it is if the master is dead and
even Master Yoda wasn't willing to kill my master just to... to put me in
the field too green to survive.

"So, anyway, Master Sarafel made it perfectly clear that she wouldn't pass
me until I was ready, no matter what the Council said.  Skies only know
what kind of pressure they put on her, what all she protected me from. 
What she couldn't protect me from was bad enough.  I tried to make friends,
but... I was... quite different from the others.  Even more than I am now,
if you can imagine such a thing.  I took to picking up willing bodies,
sleeping around... just to... not be alone..."

Obi-Wan turned his head and kissed Qui-Gon's neck.  "It's okay."

Qui-Gon shifted on the sofa and Obi-Wan strengthened his grip to prevent
him from bolting again.  After a moment, Qui-Gon relaxed again.  "So one
night I was at this club, you see.  I met a young man... quite beautiful,
really.  He was sweet, kind... then when we got back to his rooms he...
changed.  He hit me, called me a slut, and... and I didn't fight back. 
Didn't want to.  It all felt so incredibly *real* to me, you see.  As if...
as if this was what everyone had always *wanted* to do to me, but hadn't
quite dared.  The Council wanted to call me a dangerous beast.  Civilians
wanted to call me a murderer and a callous bastard.  Lovers wanted to call
me a whore.  More than that, they wanted to say that and for me to carry on
doing precisely what I had been doing all along.  And all I wanted was that
honesty.  So I let him beat me, let him fuck me.  All the time he kept
saying 'I'll stop if you want me to,' and I kept saying 'Don't stop...'

"And then I came back to the Temple and it was all unreal again.  Our next
mission was pure hell.  Fighting, death, filthy politicians playing power
games with other people's lives, including mine, and all of it neatly
wrapped up in the guise of government.  It made me ill.  So when I got back
here, I went to the 
clubs again.  I think it was about two years later when Master finally put
a stop to it.  She permitted me to see a professional, if I chose... but I
never did.  Then Kourt helped me a little, taught me some things, and that
was it.  The pain... it is so real, so beautifully honest... it seems safe
to me, to hurt without harming anyone or anything, including myself.  And
in those moments when I feel that pain which I have chosen, I surrender to
the Force all that I must do to serve it." Qui-Gon turned so he could see
Obi-Wan's face.  "I take little pleasure in the pain, nor do I crave it
constantly.  It's a... sort of release, a detoxification of my spiritual
self.  And yet, for all that, it is a sexual need... I need the pleasure
with the pain, or it just doesn't work at all."

Obi-Wan frowned in thought.  "I understand," he finally said.

"Do you?  Do you really, Obi-Wan?"  Qui-Gon squeezed his hands.

"I think so.  You see, Master... I'm very lonely as well.  I take lovers,
but only for the pleasure of coupling.  I never wished to risk caring for
anyone, though I never admitted that to myself.  I... I was afraid.  Too
scared to be alone, too scared to be with someone else... so I ended up
with this.  I slept with you the first time because it was exotic and I
wanted to be with you.  I *cared* about you, then, and I didn't want to
admit it even to myself.  Then we didn't talk, and everything got so fucked
up... but you do care about me.  You do love me, even long before I let
myself love you.   Then, that night... you really aren't going to take over
my life or try to change me, are you?" Obi-Wan asked.

"Of course not.  I like you how you are," Qui-Gon assured him.

"Why?"

"Because even when I wouldn't see it, you have been honest with me.  You
have never lied, never said anything calculated to deceive me… except in
bed.  And that, my love, is why I will not lie with you.  I can't… can not
trust you to speak the truth.  You do not wish to open your thoughts to me,
so that I may feel the truth.  Therefore, it is not possible for me to know
the truth of you," Qui-Gon shifted a little.  "Without the honesty, there
is nothing worth having."

Obi-Wan was silent for a long moment, then he raised his hands to cover
Qui-Gon's eyes.  "As one who can not see, I will offer you the pages of my
flesh."

Qui-Gon's breathing quickened, then slowed again under his will.  "Are you
sure, Obi-Wan?"

"Yes.  Quite sure.  But I will ask the same of you, my Pantreti."

"I could give you nothing less, Koateleu."

"Then let us read the language written on the body."

********************   

Obi-Wan made himself as comfortable as he could upon the rough carpet
before Qui-Gon's window.  The moonlight and ambient illumination of
Coruscant washed over him, the only light in the room.  Qui-Gon lay next to
him, breathing slowly and deeply to center himself for the reading. 
Obi-Wan was aware of his own nervousness, but felt no urge to still or
release it.  The Language would speak it clearly, anyway.

One of the first skills any Jedi student learns is the art of sensing and
translating the traces of life, of the Force and the marks it leaves on the
matter of the universe.  Like fingerprints, like trace-scents and tastes,
like shades of long-removed color or long-forgotten voices, all things
leave their various impressions in the stuff of life.  So as it was
possible for Obi-Wan to sense where Qui-Gon had sat and what frame of mind
he had been in at the time, so was it possible for him to touch and feel,
far more intimately, the truth of Qui-Gon's… Qui-Gon-ness in his body. 
While it was very possible to shield thoughts and emotions from another
person's mind as well as mask the proofs of those thoughts from even an
intimate observer, it was also possible to let those masks fall.  Among the
Jedi, Obi-Wan knew, there were few things more intimate than laying hands
on another person's physical form and being allowed to read the traces and
impressions of their soul as made upon their flesh.  Those impressions,
unmasked and untainted, were like unto the pages of another's essence. 
Those impressions were marked in the secret language of the senses, and
written on the body.

Obi-Wan had long suspected that the reason for the Jedi's very elaborate,
totally concealing costume was a matter of self-preservation.  Living
flesh, especially flesh exposed to touch, was like unto a public
announcement of one's inner self.  Unless something overpowering, such as
great emotional stress, physical trauma, sexual arousal or a very recent
and deep physical and mental purge was in place, the body was a richly
illustrated text open to perusal.  It was, therefore, a highly sacred act
for one Jedi to allow another Jedi access to his or her body in the absence
of such a mitigating factor, with all Force-signatures offered for
inspection.  That they lay together, nude and unaroused, was enough to set
all of Obi-Wan's alarms ringing.  That Qui-Gon had not so much as looked at
him let Obi-Wan know those alarms were being heard loud and clear.  Obi-Wan
took a deep breath, released his anxieties and laid one hand upon
Qui-Gon's.  "Now, please."

Warm breath stirred Obi-Wan's eyelashes and moved on as Qui-Gon took the
scent of him.  Obi-Wan pressed his palms more firmly to the floor and
relaxed his shoulders, letting his mind drift upon the moment.  When
Qui-Gon's lips pressed to the inside of his right elbow, he opened his eyes
and tried to regain control of his own breathing.  Moist tongue, then
nothing as Qui-Gon lay beside him once more.  In the pool of blue evening
light, Qui-Gon spoke.

"Written on the body are the miseries of the young man.  With no hope of
love you have pushed yourself through life, desiring that which you believe
will never be.  So deeply, so completely do you believe you will always be
alone, it is impossible for you to see that you are part of another, even
now."

Obi-Wan drew in a sharp breath and tried to relax the tightening in his
chest.  He closed his eyes again as Qui-Gon moved over him once more.  Long
hair trailed over his chest, ghosting impressions of Qui-Gon.  These
Obi-Wan spoke as his mind interpreted what his spirit gleaned.  "Written on
the body are memories of long-past wrongs.  A strange melange of pride and
shame have created in you cravings of unparalleled depth.  Though you wish
to believe they are sane, are acceptable and pure… some part of you still
cries out that you are filth and deserving of pain.  Sublimation of that
voice cuts at you."

Fingertips traced Obi-Wan's navel, then withdrew.  "Bright love burns
within, great copious love, so deeply hidden that it begins to damage you. 
Containment is not possible, not advisable, but admitting such love, even
to yourself, would cause you great discomfort and confusion."

Obi-Wan reached out and brushed his fingers along Qui-Gon's shoulder
blade.  "Once a bird of prey flew over you.  You followed its flight with
your eyes, wishing to the skies that you could be so free.  The song of the
Force and your own duty kept you on the ground."

Three kisses fell along Obi-Wan's ribcage and Qui-Gon spoke.  "Written on
the body is the knowledge of your own desirability.  Also there I taste the
hand of cold lust.  That ice-touch has closed its fist around your heart. 
Will you not let me break you free?"

Obi-Wan sat up and tasted Qui-Gon's throat.  "Oh my love, why do you
believe you are set so far apart from me?  We are twins in our strangeness,
and similar in our own hearts."

Qui-Gon twisted his fingers through Obi-Wan's hair, letting his long braid
twine around a wrist.  "You are so very giving, so willing to work and so
full of this need to please.  Do you really think you must earn the right
to be cared for?"

"Yes."

"It is not so."

Obi-Wan drew back, putting a handspan of distance between himself and
Qui-Gon.  "That night I was lying in bed and I could *feel* how much you
cared about me, how deep it ran.  And I looked at myself, honestly... and I
love you just as much.  It seems rather foolish to deny that, now that I
see it."

"Would you rather deny it?" Qui-Gon gently whispered.

Instead of answering, Obi-Wan put his hands in Qui-Gon's hair and pressed
his brow to Qui-Gon's.  "My breath.  Read my breath."

Their lips sealed in an openmouthed kiss, air passing from one to the other
in a direct feed of input.  Obi-Wan focused down onto the scent/taste/feel
of Qui-Gon, trying to discern, analyze, catalog all that was being shown to
him.  He pushed up onto his knees, dragging Qui-Gon along with him.  A few
moments' fumbling and they knelt together, pressed to each other from knees
to mouths.  Obi-Wan struggled to draw air through his nose, to keep
contact, to find and connect and understand.

**I saw a vision of the future, my future, and it was you.**

//I read the threads of destiny and you were mine.//

**The universe is a cold and lonely place.  Darkness and desolation
surrounds me, is in me.**

//I am with you.  You need not be alone.//

**My heart is a broken and suspicious creature.**

//My heart is a scarred and masochistic self.//

**We are none of us perfect.**

//I wish to be forgiven for my imperfections.  I want absolution for my
wrongs.//

**I forgive you.**

//Let me love and heal you.  Let that be the work of my life.//

**Let me love and protect you.  Let that be the reward for my labors.**

**//Be with me love me I love you sweet my only my other self let me be all
things everything to you my only love my brazen lover my gentle sweet place
of rest be only with me yes please yes oh yes//**

**********************  

When at last their kiss ended both men stood and dressed.  They took that
time to disentangle their thoughts once more and become two separate
persons with separate skins.  When they were grounded and centered in their
own bodies again, Obi-Wan took Qui-Gon's hand and led him back to the
sofa.  They resumed their seats as they had lain before, Qui-Gon reclining
against Obi-Wan's chest.  

"So..."  Obi-Wan closed his eyes and sought the will of the Force.  Letting
it guide his actions, he pulled his charm cord over his head and held it so
it dangled in front of Qui-Gon's eyes.  "Any idea what this is?"

Qui-Gon chuckled.  "This is your hope, or so you've told me."

"Yes.  But do you know what this little charm is?  Here's a hint:  It's
from Feldar."

Qui-Gon studied the charm for a long moment, then shook his head.  "No
idea.  It's from your home planet?  When did you go there?"

"I've never gone home.  I only left.  But apparently, this came away with
me... or something like that.  I imagine every child in the Temple brings
*something* like this with them... some little scrap of their past.  Mine
is a betrothal charm."  Obi-Wan spun the cord so the crystal and stone
caught the lights of the ships passing outside the window.  "At least,
that's what Corubia tells me.  She found a holo of one like this in a file
about Feldarian marriage rites.  Children are given these on their nameday
and exchange them with their betrothed.  Since I had a name upon arrival, I
suppose I received it then."

"So, how does this charm represent hope to you, my Koateleu?  I can't think
you wish to go home," Qui-Gon held himself very still while he waited for
the answer.

"I suppose it started when I first realized what it meant to be Feldarian,"
Obi-Wan sighed.  "It finally occurred to me just *why* most of my friends
went home to visit their parents... and I did not.  My family didn't want
me."

"Obi-Wan, you know Feldar has very strict laws and customs about..."
Qui-Gon began.

"I know.  I know that, I understand and accept it all, now.  But *then*...
I just knew that I'd been born somewhere and that my parents weren't coming
for me.  Because I was supposed to be a Jedi," Obi-Wan specified.  "And
then... Torlamin."

Qui-Gon breathed deeply, focusing on remaining calm and centered.  "She
made you doubt that you would ever BE a Jedi."

"Yes, she did.  That was somehow worse, because it was all I had, all I'd
ever known.  Plus, I had nowhere to go and no one to be, if I didn't become
a Jedi.  Somewhere before that I figured out that I was somehow...
*different* from the other children, but I didn't know quite how."

"Your Potential," Qui-Gon surmised.

"Of course.  But there were no explanations, no reasons for my separation
from my crechemates, you see.  I didn't *belong* anywhere, and nobody other
than the gang really wanted me.  Pan, I'll be honest with you: if it hadn't
been for Cor, Jen and Swed, I don't know if I could have even finished my
early training.  I clung to them for support, for... almost everything. 
Knight Elan, too, but less so.  And then... then you came along..." Obi-Wan
didn't know quite how to say what he meant.

"I took you away from them, put you into a whole new life, one where you
felt... unloved, unwanted..." Qui-Gon's throat contracted around the words
and he closed his eyes.

"No.  Never that.  You've been so good to me, Master.  So very patient and
kind at all times.  I think I was just so... so damaged when you got me
that I couldn't see everything for what it was.  Then... Obream."

"And that was just the end of a long string of hurts for you, wasn't it, my
Koateleu?" Qui-Gon petted soothing strokes along Obi-Wan's leg.  "No wonder
you don't want me.  It's okay.  I... I understand that you don't, and why."

Obi-Wan's arms closed in a crushing grip around Qui-Gon's chest.  "No, you
DON'T understand!  Not at all!  I want to love you.  I want to be loved
*by* you.  What I DON'T want is to presume that I WILL be loved, wanted,
all of that, and then discover that I was completely wrong.  The Force
tells me that will not, should not happen between us.  YOU tell me that,
which is more important to me.  The very Language of your being shows me
the truth and purity of your intentions.  What I *need*, Qui-Gon, is
something that will last, that will remain and be as firm as all that I
lost when I was brought to the Temple.  I... I want a family."

"So your hope has been to one day marry?" Qui-Gon breathed.

"To have a family of my own, yes.  A spouse, a partner I can lean on and
raise scads of Padawans with.  Don't you see?  I have no mother, no father,
my first mentor betrayed me and my second couldn't undo the damage of the
first. I have siblings, but they look to *me* for leadership.  You,
Qui-Gon... you're the only person I've ever really trusted to look out for
me.  I do trust that, so much that I haven't wanted to threaten it by
trying to prolong, deepen what it is we have.  But now I see that, because
of that fear, I've nearly lost you and everything that you could be to
me."  Obi-Wan brought the charm up before Qui-Gon again.  "I want this to
mean something again."

"And without a total commitment from your partner, love would be
meaningless to you.  Correct?" Qui-Gon leaned his head back onto Obi-Wan's
shoulder.  "I know exactly what you mean.  And yet we, all Jedi, grow up
believing that we will live our lives alone.  Taken from our families,
given to a Master who will one day cut us loose to make our own way in the
world, never given any instruction on how to love, who to love... it is a
difficult path."

"You never said it would be easy," Obi-Wan reminded him.  "I thought I
understood, thought I had accepted it all, but then... then you..."

Qui-Gon closed his eyes.  "I would not lie to you, Padawan.  But what can I
do, so that you may one day come to accept me and my love for you?  What do
you want it to mean, Obi-Wan?  I never was anything like a father to you,
and being your lover... I am that now, but it seems such a relationship has
been devastatingly tainted in your perception." Qui-Gon swallowed once. 
"What is it you're asking me to be to you, Obi-Wan?"

"Master Qui-Gon Jinn, I'm asking if you will be my husband."

Silence stretched out between them as Qui-Gon traced the surfaces of the
charm.  "Obi-Wan, as your Master, I can't allow you to marry so young," he
began.

"After my Trials, then..." Obi-Wan began.

"You may be knighted sooner than you think, my love.  It is your youth I
worry you will lose," Qui-Gon explained.

Obi-Wan leaned forward so that his lips brushed Qui-Gon's ears.  "What
youth?"

Qui-Gon chuckled and reached to stroke Obi-Wan's hair.  "True enough, my
child of the Temple.  Will you grant me, then, the right to choose the time
and place?"

"I grant that easily, Pantreti," Obi-Wan replied.

"Then Obi-Wan Kenobi, I will marry you, and love you all the days of my
life," Qui-Gon whispered, turning to face his student.

Obi-Wan twined his fingers with Qui-Gon's, his hand trembling almost
imperceptibly.  "I will marry you, Qui-Gon Jinn, and love you all the days
of my life."

They leaned towards one another, so close their lips touched as they
breathed the Force-enhanced oath.  "By the Light and my life, I pledge
myself to be yours."