. Bonds of Choice #22 Star Wars: TPM FanFic Series by HiperBunny (message 2 of 2) +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ "Come on, put your head between your knees. Breathe, just breathe. That's it. Feeling better? Here's your fan." Kourt grinned at his friend. "I can't do it. I can't. I just…come on. We'll snatch a speeder and go hide out at the Seceria club for the night." Qui-Gon gave his best pleading look. Kourt went from friendly to threatening in the blink of an eye. "You would stand him up just because you had a little panic attack? What kind of a sadist are you?" "An old one, who might be foolish enough to think this is a good idea when he's getting all dressed up in the safety of his own quarters, but not quite stupid enough to do this in public. Look at me, Kourt. I'm not that knight you fell for, lo these many years ago." Qui-Gon kicked the wall he had been leaning against just seconds before. "No. You're the man Obi-Wan might fall for if you'd just get a move on and pick him up on time. Come on, hat, fan, flowers and you're ready to go. You can do this. Just remember, you're the wooer here. Treat him like the precious being he is. And don't forget to dance with him. You're a wicked fine dancer. That's what did me in, you know. The way you MOVE." ********************* Qui-Gon opened the door to the taxi and waited for Obi-Wan to situate himself. Leave it to Kourt and Corubia to see that they were dressed not only for the occasion, but for their pairing as well. Damn that Kourt anyway. None of this would be happening if he hadn't started scolding in the garden. Qui-Gon settled in next to Obi-Wan and gave him yet another long, appraising stare. Okay, don't damn Kourt. They had hardly spoken, beyond awkward greetings and discussion of plans. Qui-Gon didn't quite know where to begin. His Koateleu looked…well, stunning. Cultured and serene, poised and confident. Too bad he was radiating the jitters. Ah well, no one but another Jedi would know that and tonight Qui-Gon was dead set on not being very Jedi at all. He allowed himself the pleasure of admiring the curve of Obi-Wan's hip, the way the silk cupped it just so. He became so involved in cataloging this sight that he missed what Obi-Wan was saying. "Hmm?" "I asked you if we were really going to do this. Date, romance, say out loud that this is more than just convenience fucking," Obi-Wan repeated. "This is more than just convenience fucking. And if that isn't saying it out loud, I don't know what is," Qui-Gon replied. "You know what I mean, Qui-Gon. I need to know. Are we going beyond wishing? Are we going to let this happen?" Obi-Wan was looking out the window as they sped through traffic. Qui-Gon was lost in admiring the way moonlight clung to his date's skin. Funny how he'd never noticed that before. "Yes. Oh yes. Obi-Wan…I am not a man of many words. Stop laughing. Look at me. I would offer you my soul if I knew how. I will offer you my life, my oath, my loyalty and love for as long as you might find use for them. I will offer and pledge them to you at any time you might be willing to accept them, in any way you see fit to ask for them. I await only your permission to offer these things to you." Obi-Wan slid across the seat, took Qui-Gon's chin in a strong grip. "If you dare to be lying in this moment I will have my satisfaction, Qui-Gon Jinn." His eyes glittered with promises of violence, should he be so treated. Breath was harsh in Qui-Gon's throat. * How can he believe I would?* He pressed his lips together, trying to stop the trembles there. No good. He gripped his hands together in his lap, forcing himself not to pull away or try to wipe at his eyes. *Not now. Breathe deep, not now. Hold on. * Only one sigh escaped to tell the tale of pain that Qui-Gon felt at Obi-Wan's accusation. Obi-Wan saw it immediately. Soft lips captured Qui-Gon's mouth, warm tongue caressed it away. Then strong hands cupped Qui-Gon's head, cushioning it from hurt as he was borne down across the taxi seat. Obi-Wan covered his body, pinning him while kisses were pressed, hot and strong, to his mouth. He relaxed, opened himself, ready to give whatever assurances the other man might require. Anything to prove the veracity of his words. The embrace softened, turning into an exploration. The soft exchange held the same feel as beginning a lifelong study, an intensive labor, a joyful work to bring fulfillment in every moment for all years to come. Part of Qui-Gon wanted to pull away, to stop and explain everything within him before things went too far. Another part of him was on vigilant guard for any action that might end in pain. Most of him just lay back and enjoyed it all. The taxi driver was quite tactful in leaving them to each other until Obi-Wan came up for air. "Whispering Plum Blossom. Call if you need a lift home." ***************** The interior of the Whispering Plum Blossom was done almost entirely in holos. The tables were arranged in tiers, overlooking a passable representation of a wooded glade with rushing stream. The walls and pillars were done in holos of plum trees that overhung the booths and settings the diners occupied. There were no mosquitoes or rain to ruin the idyllic scene, as there normally were in Obi-Wan's real life experience. He and Qui-Gon were free to take their seats in plush comfort, order from an extensive menu and wine list and admire the view without needing to swat anything. Obi-Wan never gave the woods a second glance. Qui-Gon, though. There was a picture worth a glance or hundred. Obi-Wan settled into a nice long gaze, thoroughly cataloging the exact shade of blue in his date's eyes and how nice it went with the masses of hair that framed his face. Beautiful, noble, regal, handsome, distinguished, cultured…nervous? "What is wrong, my Ma-, uh, Qui-Gon?" "How old do I look? Old enough to be your father?" Qui-Gon demanded. "What? Well, yes, of course. I thought that was the point to the dye job, beard, all that." Obi-Wan was certain that he had understood this correctly when it had been explained to him. "That's it. No more. I'm letting this grow out and I'm not doing it any more. I won't have people looking at you like that." Qui-Gon pointed with his chin, indicating a group seated some few feet away. "Like what? How were they looking at me?" Obi-Wan hadn't been paying attention at the time. "Like you must either be my son or my boytoy and those robes are too enticing for an evening out with dad. You get enough of that running around with Drel. You hate playing that Faydrus and I won't have strangers thinking of you as him." Qui-Gon's voice was taking on heat as he spoke. "Hmm. Well, I think I know how to solve that problem. Just answer the question," and Obi-Wan slid around the curved seat of their booth and put a hand on Qui-Gon's shoulder. "Is this something more, Qui-Gon? Am I something more than just your boytoy? I'd like to be…" The words were cut off when Qui-Gon took Obi-Wan's face in his hands. "Truly? Will you truly let me love you?" All worries of outside observers were instantly banished. "Now, wait just a second…there is still a great deal I need to stipulate here," Obi-Wan retreated from his master's touch. He grabbed his Jedi calm and reserve with both hands and held on for dear life. The hope in Qui-Gon's voice had almost undone him, moved him to declare his undying love and be done with it. * Be cautious now, Kenobi. This might be the trickiest negotiation you ever deal with.* "I'm not about to bind myself to you for all eternity here, but yes, I think I'd like to call this something more than a passing fancy…can we agree on that?" He saw the change in posture, slowed breathing as Qui-Gon shifted instinctively to the role of negotiator. *Damn. He's much better at this than I am… * "Yes, Obi-Wan. I think we can agree on that." "You gave me a token of your affection some few days ago, you asked me to think on what I might want with you. I still don't know what I can realistically have, what with you being…well, we're not exactly social equals, you know." Obi-Wan took a sip from his wineglass to hide his embarrassment. "But we will be one day. That's what I'm looking to, here. IF I pass my knighthood trials, our Bond will be broken. We both know what that means realistically." "Yes, Obi-Wan. Whatever part of our current relationship is supported by that bond will simply dissolve, fade. I've been through it before," Qui-Gon reminded him. Obi-Wan quirked a smile at his teacher. "Well, I haven't, so I don't really know a lot about it. So I'd like to stipulate that I don't really know how much of what I feel for you *is* influenced by our Bond. My belief is that my feelings for you are true and honest. My worry is that I might be... under the sway of an outside force." "I very much doubt that, Padawan. The Bond touches on trust, but only to reinforce what is created between us. The rest... I don't think it's an issue," Qui-Gon said. "Well... I really hope it isn't, but I won't be sure until the Bond isn't there anymore. So, when I say I want to hold off on certain things until after my knighting... that would be my reason." "I understand and accept those terms," Qui-Gon said, folding his hands in his lap. "I have some terms of my own to propose." "By all means." Obi-Wan inclined his head. "You are currently working with misconceptions about me, my desires, my needs and my... sexual tastes. I feel it is incredibly important that we come to a more honest understanding before we resume a sexual relationship. I also would like to better understand your past behaviors, for my own comfort." Qui-Gon's hand crept across the table to touch Obi-Wan's fingers. "I need to know you better." "I... I feel the same," Obi-Wan conceded. "For all that we have much yet to say and hear, I want you to understand that I love you, deeply and with all the lasting commitment I can offer," Qui-Gon continued. "I need to know... do you feel anything at all like that towards me?" Obi-Wan swallowed and pulled his hands into his lap. He let his eyes wander over the restaurant, trying to decide how to explain. "I have known how you felt for some time now. The night after the Semsha you showed me how you felt, truly. It was just a moment, but…I began to hope. Began to think and consider and weigh my options. Then, while I was on San Saloor, the Force... spoke to me. Showed me things I hadn't really considered. I'm still thinking and weighing, really, but I have decided this. IF I pass my Trials and our bond is broken, I would like to continue our relationship. I'm talking about the more romantic, poetic…I'm trying to say that I do love you, in that indescribable…" here Obi-Wan broke off and reached out through the Force, hoping to find a way to express what language could not encompass. Qui-Gon's mind was open to him, as it always had been. **See, hidden upon the water, desires of the Living** //Where did you learn that?// **One of my books…** Obi-Wan hesitated, then reached for Qui-Gon's hands. Pressing their palms together in such a manner as to align certain energy points, he recited: **That which is All flows and runs The Mighty River of all that is Living As connected to every other Living as to itself So stand Alone, so stand Together With the Will that binds in Hope With the Language that speaks in Desire So join you one to another** Obi-Wan carefully unwrapped his feelings between them, showing to his master things he had not even truly been able to show himself. The loneliness, the solitude and need for utter autonomy that he had always lived with. Then the more dangerous stuff, the welling in his heart that drove the coldness from his breast when Qui-Gon touched him. The strength that came of having another being to lean on in times of need. And love. More than like. A craving and a gift in one, down on the most basic levels of existence. Not the need to be loved, that he could live without feeling, forever. No, something else, a wealth of emotion, desire, connection, hope, joy, protectiveness, loyalty, peace, lust, faith, tears, respect, laughter, the scent of warm bread, taste of a kiss given in sleep, warmth of hair and breath, sweet surrender to the strength of something greater than the self. //You want to give love, have your love valued by another. No, you want *me * to value your love. I do. A thousand times over, it is stronger and deeper and more perfect than anything I ever dreamed of being offered, my Koateleu, my other self, my Obi-Wan.// Qui-Gon's mind was not just receiving now, but opening and sharing as well, all the things he had thought denied to him forever. He offered all these things to Obi-Wan. The embrace of an equal, understanding in the eyes of a lover. A beating heart with purpose, a mind whose first thought would be of Jedi, second that of a Master but all others dedicated to the happiness, safety, joy and peace of his Koateleu. More, so much more, passed between them in the space of a few heartbeats. Promises made and wishes fulfilled, heady and bright, feeding the slender strands of hope and faith until they flourished, making strong threads of love and sweet desire hum between them. All poetry, all music and beauty bloomed inside them, was recognized and understood, accepted as part of them. Obi-Wan reached out, put his hand upon Qui-Gon's and whispered "I swear." Qui-Gon folded his other hand over Obi-Wan's. "I swear." The moment could not last. It did not shatter or break, but simply faded, becoming a part of them both on a basic level. **//I am living and I love you. I am hungry and I love you. I see you and I love you. I am with you and I love you. I will part from you I love you. I will find you and find myself in you and I love you have loved you will love you I love you. //** After a time, the intensity of their connection began to recede, become simply another thread in the flux of the Force that filled and surrounded them. Qui-Gon passed his hand over his eyes, then looked up, smiling. "I think we should celebrate. Do you think you can keep up with me?" "Any day, any way, Pantreti," Obi-Wan grinned. "You know, I like that more every time you say it," Qui-Gon laughed and signaled for the wine list once more. ******************* "Okay, what's next?" Obi-Wan asked, pushing his now-empty soup bowl aside. "Well, I thought you might like to try some fougani," Qui-Gon replied. Obi-Wan goggled. "What?" Qui-Gon asked, signaling to the waitperson. "Fougani? For me?" Obi-Wan squeaked. Qui-Gon frowned, but refrained from replying as the waiter placed the dishes and poured the new wine pairing. When the staff had withdrawn again, Qui-Gon spoke. "You are in the finest fougani restaurant in the galaxy and you're surprised that's what we're having?" "This is a fougani restaurant?" Obi-Wan's voice was weak with shock. Qui-Gon sighed and folded his hands. "Just because I can't cook worth mentioning doesn't mean I have no refinement in the appreciation of culinary arts." "Yes, Master. I'm sorry, Master," Obi-Wan instinctively replied. "Now then. Fougani-sanu," Qui-Gon nodded to the waiter again and picked up his chopsticks. Obi-Wan watched the careful deployment of their first course with reverence. The thin wooden trays were delicately painted to complement the six fougani-sanu upon them. He breathed deeply, memorizing the aroma for future reference. Then with careful deliberation he selected one and ate. The texture and flavor were at once delicate and sensual. He sighed, carefully chewing the grain and fish with all the attention they deserved. He swallowed, a little surprised when his lips began to tingle, but all the more honored that Qui-Gon had chosen to gift him with the rare and prized sanu-fugu. He sipped his wine, then drank deeply from his water glass to prepare his palate for the next bite. When his plate was cleared, he looked at Qui-Gon and offered his brightest smile. "Thank you, Pantreti. That was marvelous." "You're not done yet, Koateleu," Qui-Gon replied, indicating the tiny bowl of sesu-sandi next to his plate. "This will be quite... stunning, as I recall." Obi-Wan obediently ate the ribbonlike sesu-sandi, swallowing without chewing as Qui-Gon demonstrated. When the sandi hit his stomach he closed his eyes and bit down on his lip to keep himself from moaning. A warm burn began in his middle and radiated outwards, filling him with a peaceful contentment while simultaneously awakening every nerve ending. After a long moment, the sensual input settled into his groin, a low counterpoint not unlike a sexual afterglow. Obi-Wan opened his eyes, wanting to thank Qui-Gon once more, but found words to be wholly inadequate. Qui-Gon smiled. "Ready for the next course?" Obi-Wan nodded eagerly, ready to thoroughly enjoy whatever Qui-Gon had in store for him this evening. ******************** It would seem, in Qui-Gon's expert opinion, that Padawan Kenobi could not hold his liquor. Of course, he shouldn't be able to, at this point. Far too young, much too focused on his training to have put in any serious time at the bottle. Despite the vast amount of food Obi-Wan had put away, the alcohol had won out. Qui-Gon couldn't have cared less. He simply hooked his arm more firmly around Obi-Wan's waist and guided him carefully along the skywalk, headed in the basic direction of the Temple. When Obi-Wan was a little less… enthusiastic, Qui-Gon would call a cab and get them home. Until then… "Okay, let's take it from the top," the Master encouraged. Obi-Wan snorfled into Qui-Gon's sleeve. "No. I absolutely can NOT sing this song with you." "Okay, then you'll have to listen to it again," Qui-Gon agreed, and launched into the raunchiest drinking song he knew. "Verse One. 'Twas on the Good Ship Venus, Me skies, you should have seen us! The figurehead was a whore in bed And the mast an upright penis! Singing o-de-o-de-annna!" Obi-Wan howled with laughter, as he had done on the three previous tries. He waved his hand helplessly, indicating that Qui-Gon should continue, despite the disruption. The master gamely complied. The first mate's name was Topper And Topper had a whopper Once around his neck and twice around the deck Then up his ass for a stopper! Obi-Wan sat down on the walkway, leaning heavily against the glass enclosure. "Stop!" he gasped. "Please, skies above, stop!" Qui-Gon sat down next to him. "As you will, Koatel." "You know," Obi-Wan began, once he had his chuckles under control. "I'm not as drunk as you think I am." "Really? Then what's your excuse for such an unseemly display, my prim and proper Padawan?" Qui-Gon inquired. "You're being so nice to me," Obi-Wan lamely admitted. "I don't want you to stop yet." Qui-Gon pulled Obi-Wan in for a hug. "I'm not going to stop yet. Not tonight, anyway. Maybe not until as far as lunch, tomorrow. Isn't that something to look forward to?" That cracked Obi-Wan up again and Qui-Gon contented himself with holding his lover while the mirth took its course. "Master, sorry, Qui-Gon... listen, did I ever tell you what a Pantreti was?" Qui-Gon smiled. "No need. I found out for myself." "Did you? Good. Because I'm feeling a little Ulanta-ish right now." And with that, Obi-Wan stood and bolted for the next walkway-exchange. Qui-Gon was up and after him in a flash, laughing merrily as he pursued. ************** They had no problem finding a taxi back to the Temple, but the closer they got to their rooms, the more withdrawn Obi-Wan became. Qui-Gon firmly kept his disappointment to himself. *He's not ready. He's much better, nearly so, but he still doesn't have a grasp on what is happening between us,* Qui-Gon soothed himself. It seemed that even more 'patient pursuit' was needed. "Koateleu, is there something on your mind?" Obi-Wan looked up, surprised. "Oh... yes. I suppose so," the younger man replied. He thumbed the lock on their door and shrugged. "I shall love you forever." "And what do you think loving me would mean, Koateleu?" Qui-Gon's brow furrowed. He couldn't help but see the drag of his lover's step in the hall, the faint sighs and hunch of shoulder that had marked his posture as they came through the Temple. And now this. "What?" "You say 'I will love you forever' as if you were pronouncing your own death sentence," Qui-Gon clarified. Obi-Wan shrugged. "I won't be my own person anymore. I'll belong to you, and… nothing I do will be mine any more, because I'll always have to share with you." "And you don't want to," Qui-Gon surmised. Obi-Wan drew a deep breath and let it out very slowly. "Nooo," he finally pronounced. "I want to. I think that makes it worse." "Ah," Qui-Gon said, finally understanding. "You've worked so hard and so long to be self-reliant and now all that work has been for nothing." Obi-Wan nodded miserably. "Obi-Wan?" The younger man lifted his eyes to meet Qui-Gon's. "Am I now your prisoner?" "What?" "Do you intend to invade every part of my life, dictate my every move, demand that I bow and scrape to your every whim? Will you insist that I be unshielded to your thoughts and mind-touches at all times? Must I give up all things that you have no joy in?" Qui-Gon cocked his head to one side. Obi-Wan frowned, considering that. After a moment, his eyes cleared and he smiled. "Oh." "I love you, my Koateleu, but I don't intend to take over your life. I'm not going to spend the rest of my days glued to your back, peering over your shoulder or weaseling in when you'd rather be alone. I'm not going to give you my every thought or gain your approval for my every action. I want to be with you, but I don't want to JUST be your partner. I'm sorry, love. You're just not that interesting." One of Qui-Gon's rare, bright smiles punctuated this statement. "I don't think you'd find me that interesting, either." Obi-Wan laughed outright and closed the distance between them. His arms wound around Qui-Gon's torso in a hug full of light and acceptance and freedom and want. "I am such a fool." "Now, there you'd be wrong again. Qui-Gon Jinn don't raise no fools." " 'Doesn't raise any,' Master. I *will* insist that you mind your grammar in my presence," Obi-Wan snickered. Qui-Gon let his head fall back as his laughter bubbled up and out of him. "We're going to be fine, Obi-Wan," he chuckled, and kissed the tip of his Padawan's nose. "Oh yes. We most definitely are," Obi-Wan heartily agreed, lifting up on his toes to claim Qui-Gon's mouth. Qui-Gon wanted, more than anything, to follow that kiss to its natural conclusion. However, he had promised himself a certain amount of disclosure before that would again happen, and he just didn't feel up to that kind of soul-baring tonight. He broke the kiss and took a step back. "Where were you planning on sleeping tonight, Koateleu?" Obi-Wan blinked, then frowned. "I forgot..." he began. "Well, considering that we won't, that you apparently don't wish to... my room, I suppose." "If you wish to bed with me, you are welcome..." Qui-Gon began. "No, I... no. It's not something I am comfortable with doing, Pantreti," Obi-Wan explained. "Then with your permission... that is... do you mind if I sleep unshielded tonight?" Qui-Gon asked. "What? No, of course not," Obi-Wan replied, surprised. "Would you do me the honor of remaining... receptive this evening?" Qui-Gon further requested. "Well, yes, of course. I'm afraid I don't understand," Obi-Wan replied, confused. "You will, my Koatel. You can always block me out if it makes you unhappy," Qui-Gon reminded him. "I will do nothing unwanted or intrusive." "Yes, Master. Thank you, Master." Obi-Wan leaned up for another kiss. "Tonight was so wonderful. I thank you for it." "You are more than welcome, Padawan. I hope it is the first of many such nights with you," Qui-Gon replied. "Sleep well, my love." They turned away from one another, each towards his own, solitary bed.