. Bonds of Choice #20 Star Wars: TPM FanFic Series by HiperBunny (message 3 of 4) +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ "Padawan, I have received a request for approval from one of your friends. Padawan Charistae came and asked…" Qui-Gon had begun, then stopped. "Do you know what a request for approval is?" Obi-Wan had blushed and nodded. "Padawan Charistae asked if she might have it. She's… a bit older than you, just turned eighteen. If you would like for me to accept, I will… but you will need your advanced Humanoid Sexuality class, and a birth control implant…" Obi-Wan hadn't answered immediately. The prospect was exciting, permission to date, to do more, if he wished. "Swed and Jenji are signed up to take HS next week," he said. "I think you are a little young, yet, Padawan. I… I really think you might want to let me turn Charistae down. It will give you time to ponder, to consider whom you might… prefer," Qui-Gon had hesitated. "Someone you know a little better would be preferable." Obi-Wan had nodded, accepting his master's words. "Isn't Swed a little old for HS?" Qui-Gon had asked. Obi-Wan shrugged. "He'll be twenty in a couple of months, but his physiology runs a little slower than standard. I think he's about on time. Why?" Qui-Gon smiled. "Well, I was just wondering if maybe he was waiting for someone." "Not that I know of," Obi-Wan had replied. "I'd like to take the HS if I can, Master. Just to be… ready." And that had been the end of it. Corubia had taken the same session as he. At the time the four of them had suspected a bit of matchmaking on the part of their masters. Their following foray to the professionals' quarter had been more rebellion at that than anything else. Obi-Wan had quite enjoyed that introduction to sex, had been glad later that his first partners hadn't been hampered by shyness or lack of experience. Now he wondered. *Could those first encounters have shaped me so much?* Apparently they had. Even in the beginning, when requests for approval had been many, Obi-Wan had selected his partners on what now seemed very shallow criteria. Never had he entertained the idea of a long-term relationship. Until Obream. Obi-Wan focused his breathing again and released his residual anxiety to the Force. Obream. *Everyone has their heart broken at least once, Kenobi. You managed to protect yourself from further pain, but… but what have you given up for that? And what have you gained? Solitude, a psychological flaw, a reflexive fear of intimacy… is it worth it? And whom have you hurt? Whom are you hurting still, with this aloofness and cold-heartedness?* The air warmed within him and again he tasted Qui-Gon. *He's patient, but you can't assume he'll wait forever. The warmest embers will cool if left untended…* He knew not how much time had passed from that moment until the time he realized someone was calling his name. From the sound of it, it wasn't the first time. He descended from his pose and looked around. The children were gone; only Knight Elan remained. "You looked like you were getting somewhere. Feel like talking?" Elan tossed him a towel and a bottle of water. "No, but that's a sure sign that I need to," Obi-Wan replied, drawing his knees up to his chest. "Indeed," Elan agreed. "So... troubles with your training?" "No, not really. It's... a personal matter. You see, Qui-Gon and I are lovers now..." Obi-Wan explained. It felt odd to admit as much to someone he hadn't seen in so long. *Admit? Admission implies guilt...* he mused. "So is that where the problem comes from? You don't know what he wants from you as a lover? I find it hard to believe you're so inexperienced, but I could recommend some resources..." Elan began with perfect reasonableness. "No it's not... not THAT..." Obi-Wan replied, taking the opportunity to wipe his face. "THAT I can handle, thank you." "I never doubted you could, really," Elan sat down next to him and took a long drink from his water bottle. "So, then..." "It's this whole... relationship thing. I don't *do* relationships. At least, I haven't had much success with them and... that's where I'm having trouble," Obi-Wan sighed. "Do you WANT a relationship with Qui-Gon, or would you prefer this to be something more casual?" Elan pressed. "I thought... when we started out, I suppose I thought it would just be a fling... intense, good, but destined to end. Now, though... I've gotten some pretty good indications that it shouldn't be." "Shouldn't be, or won't be? And indications from where?" Obi-Wan drank some water before he answered. "The Force. I was on a mission, shepherded, and I had... well, a vision or something. Not really a foretelling, more like a series of memories all strung together. Well, I did have ONE vision of the future, with an implication that only I would understand. It would seem that I *must* become more... permanently involved with Qui-Gon, or bad things are going to happen." "And you're not comfortable with this?" Elan inquired. "Not in the least. Qui-Gon needs someone who can take care of him, be a true partner to him. And he needs something more, something I don't even understand, really. I think he wants... love, commitment, dedication..." Obi-Wan winced, realizing how cruel he sounded. "And it seems like I'm the one who has to give it to him." Elan was silent for a long moment. "Are you feeling manipulated?" Obi-Wan thought that over. "Well, if not that, then pressured. Yes. It would seem to me that some outside influence is *pushing* me to accept him. As if I have no other choice but to be with *him*." "So you're rebelling." "I am not!" Obi-Wan objected. "I'm just... considering my options." "Waffling." "Look, it's not like that. I mean, we're talking about *QUI-GON JINN* here. One of the best Jedi Masters ever!" "Intimidating, isn't it?" "Oh, I don't know why I even talk to you!" Obi-Wan fell back flat on the floor. "Well, I am one of the few people who is willing to bully you," Elan mused. "Though I bet your friend Corubia would pay a hefty sum to have this conversation with you." Obi-Wan rolled over to face his crèche master. "What if I try to love him, and I can't? What if I'm just not capable? What if I'm not..." "Good enough?" Elan asked, ever so gently. "Yeah." "Well, at least you're consistent," Elan smiled. "Did Master Jinn ever get around to explaining your Potential to you?" Obi-Wan nodded. "Why didn't you..." Elan shrugged. "Machinations of various higher-ups. Particularly Master Crowe." "Why does he seem to have a hand in EVERYTHING?" Obi-Wan demanded. "Because he has been your guardian and protector since the moment you came into the Temple," Elan replied. "Mine too, and several others. He's up to something, planning for the long run and setting up pieces for some endgame that I can't even really imagine. But that is neither here nor there. Obi-Wan, I'm sure you're already aware that High Potentials are generally in possession of some flaw or another... as are all beings. For High Potentials, though, it can be slightly more cumbersome. I've often thought your self-image could use some work..." "You needn't be gentle, Sir. I have severe and unchecked feelings of unworthiness. Of this I am perfectly aware," Obi-Wan informed him. "Well, then *act* like you know it. You feel like you're not good enough to be with Master Jinn, you *know* those feelings come from an unreliable source and *yet* you continue to give in to those feelings. You also continue looking for a method to justify them." Elan tisked at his one-time student. "I'd lay cookies to credits that you haven't even discussed this with him." Obi-Wan frowned. "You might as well go ahead and talk to him, find out what he wants. Only THEN will you be able to dither properly about whether or not you can give it to him," Elan stood up. "I have to go see about getting an art room for tomorrow's group. Obi-Wan... listen to me. You said the Force is urging you towards being with Qui-Gon. PLEASE pay attention. Don't reject this out of baseless fears or ephemeral emotions. Find the *truth* of yourself, your situation, and accept that." Obi-Wan nodded unhappily. "Is he really so difficult to be with?" Elan asked, concerned. "No. He is... I can't imagine anyone better. That's the problem." "I see. Well, if he's so good, doesn't he deserve the best you can do for him? Don't hold out. And come to me again, if you feel you need me. I'm always about." Elan bowed. "And I will always be here for you." "Thank you, Sir. You've always been most faithful to me," Obi-Wan sat up to bow in return. "Be as faithful to yourself. Good day." Obi-Wan fumbled through his pockets and pulled out his commlink. "Nall." "Cor! It's Obi! I'm back. Did you get my message while I was away?" "Sure did." "Can we have everything ready by tomorrow?" he asked. "Absolutely." "Are you sure your master is okay with all this?" "Sure I'm sure. He thinks it's funny." "Okay, well, I'll see you then. Kenobi out." ******************* "Tea?" Kourt offered, taking a seat across from Qui-Gon. "Yes, please," the younger Master replied. He struggled to hide a smile, but it simply wouldn't be stifled. "So... how's operation 'submarine' going?" "Um... all on schedule, near as I can tell. Do you know you have the sneakiest Padawan in the Order?" Qui-Gon inquired. "Yes," Kourt confirmed. He seemed ready to go on, but the Learner in question chose this moment to put in an appearance. "Luckily, I use my powers for good, rather than evil. That was Obi-Wan on the comm. It is my duty to report that my covert operation is in motion and our fish is very nearly in the boat," Corubia announced as she came in to join them at the table. "And everything is ready for tomorrow?" Kourt inquired. "Most assuredly. If Master Jinn can be persuaded to recall his appointment at the appropriate time," Corubia replied. "I'm not sure I trust any of you on this," Qui-Gon began. "Just what is it you're plotting?" "That would be telling," Corubia smiled. "Sorry. Enlist a double agent and you only get half the story." Qui-Gon chuckled. "I'll have to remember that, in my future dealings." "So, what did you do to my brother? Do I need to call you out for it?" Corubia asked. "Well, I... I didn't do anything I didn't want to do," Qui-Gon hedged. "Always a good start," Kourt assured him. "And I gave him something to think about." "Possibly the most dangerous move ever considered, but probably necessary," Corubia put in. "Then I left him to stew," Qui-Gon concluded. "So... what are you looking to happen?" Kourt asked. "Hopefully, he'll stew in such a manner as to make him open to conversation. Then... honesty." Qui-Gon drank deeply of the astringent tea Kourt seemed to be favoring these days. "Total honesty?" Kourt pressed. "Even the stuff he doesn't want to hear. Even the stuff I don't want to say," Qui-Gon assured him. "Tall order," Corubia said. "Very. I don't expect this to be pleasant. We're likely to end up rather... stressed. But it's either this or give up. I'm not really very good at quitting," Qui-Gon shrugged. "Good old stubbornness. That trait has saved you more often than any other," Kourt smiled. Just then, Qui-Gon's comm link chirped. "Jinn." "Master? It's Obi-Wan. Can we talk?" "Sure. What's going on?" Qui-Gon asked. "Not like this... would you meet me in our quarters?" "Absolutely. I'm on my way," Qui-Gon ended the call. "Wish me luck." "Lots of it..." Kourt said, saluting with his cup. "And don't forget, meet us here at noon tomorrow." "Right, right. How could I forget?" Qui-Gon gave his friends a suspicious look, then shrugged. "As long as you don't feed me that awful sego-merthat again." "Wouldn't dream of it. I like my carpets this color," Kourt replied, his expression a study in solemn serenity. "Go on, now. Be gentle." Qui-Gon finished his tea and set out for his quarters to open the most important negotiation of his entire life.