.                      Bonds of Choice #12
                  Star Wars: TPM FanFic Series
                         by HiperBunny
                        (message 1 of 5)
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*Way to go, Kenobi.  Qui-Gon offers to take you on for the rest of your
natural life and the best you can come up with is a smart-assed remark.* He
started to pull his shirt off, planning to begin with some moving
meditations.

"Stop." 

Obi-Wan froze at the command.  He held perfectly still, as if he expected
Qui-Gon to correct him on his dressing technique.  Indeed, the instinct to
pause and hold came directly from their long hours of physical training.

"When was the last time anyone touched you?  Besides me, I mean."

Obi-Wan's heart leapt to his throat.  "Wh-what?" he choked.

"Not just in a sexual sense, I mean a hug, anything."

Obi-Wan was grateful that his head was obscured by his shirt.  Qui-Gon
would not see the utter confusion on his face.  "I-uh, well, Corubia hugs
me a lot.  Jenji and Swed did today.  Like that, you mean?"

"I mean like that.  And before that?"

"Well, Jenji and I, we, you know… we were together for a little while."

"You were just turned twenty then."

"Yes, Master.  You said not in a sexual sense.  I've had lovers since then,
but none that wanted anything…more."

He heard Qui-Gon's breath as his master came closer.  "And no one has ever
touched you the way I did today, have they?"

"What?  Well, yes, I mean, massage is a basic therapy…" Obi-Wan began.

"No, no, no.  I mean just to relax you, to make you feel good.  The way you
do for me after Council meetings and the like.  You've never had that
before, have you?"

"Of course not."

"And when you train a Padawan, you won't expect it of them will you?"

"I don't think so.  I never thought about it.  Have I been doing something
wrong, Master?  Why didn't you tell me before?"  Obi-Wan heard his voice
crack.  His arms were getting tired of being above his head and were
starting to protest.  He pushed that thought out of his mind.

Just then, Qui-Gon wrapped his arms around Obi-Wan's chest.  The scent of
rose oil filtered in, bringing back every sensual thought Obi-Wan had ever
entertained about his master.

Qui-Gon lifted the shirt from Obi-Wan's arms.  "Relax.  I should have been
more patient before and I shouldn't have ordered you away from me just
now.   I thought to see to your physical hurts.  Why can't I make myself
see to your emotional ones?"  Qui-Gon sounded upset with himself.

"Master?  I don't know what you mean."

"Shh, don't worry about it," and Qui-Gon's mouth closed over the back of
Obi-Wan's neck.  His breath left him in a rush and he struggled to regain
it.  Things between him and his master changed so quickly!  One moment he
was feeling like a kicked dog, the next he… well, he wasn't entirely sure
gravity was working at the moment.  Qui-Gon's exploring fingers tangled up
in the necklace Obi-Wan wore.  He tugged the stone-and-crystal charm up to
where he could see it. "What IS this thing, Obi-Wan?  You haven't taken it
off since we left Renal Sejon."

"And I won't until I'm sure I know what to do with it.  I told you, it's
just hope.  Everyone needs a little, you know."  Obi-Wan tilted his head to
the side, exposing his neck to more kisses.

"Mmm you taste so good.  I don't ever want to taste anyone but you again,"
Qui-Gon murmured.

"Wait, wait… what is this all about?" he pulled away from Qui-Gon's lips
with an effort and cast about for his shirt.

Qui-Gon tugged his apprentice towards his bed. "Please let me do this.
Please. I just want to make you feel good, Koatel."

Obi-Wan had absolutely no defenses against a direct request from his
master, so he lay down, whispering "as it please you."

"No, Koateleu, as it please YOU," and Qui-Gon's mouth was on him again.  He
traced a line of fire across Obi-Wan's brow, down his cheek and in for a
lingering embrace of lips.  Then he was off again, working bites and licks
along inner arm, curve of elbow, sensitive wrist and into Obi-Wan's palm. 
He drew Obi-Wan's arm up off the bed, giving long sucks to each finger,
laving gently along them.  He spent a special moment caressing the pad of
flesh at the base of the thumb, having discovered a tiny erogenous zone
just above the wrist.

"Master, please, I…" But Obi-Wan didn't even know what he meant to ask for.

"What? What is it that you want, Koatel?  I'll give you anything you
desire."

Obi-Wan took his courage in both hands and spoke the first thought that
came to mind. "Why do you keep doing these things with me?"

Qui-Gon stared down into his partner's eyes, searching, hoping to find some
clue as to where Obi-Wan was going with this.  "Do you remember what we
spoke of the other day, on Renal Sejon?  And later, on the Gannet? "

"Yes, Master.  You want me to be thinking on what I want to have with you. 
I have not had much time to think on it."

"I know, Obi-Wan.  I simply had some words to add. You are very dear to me,
Obi-Wan.  I desire you, wish to share pleasure with you."

Something tiny in Obi-Wan was crushed under these words. "Oh."

"You asked me something on Renal Sejon that I've been meaning to ask you. 
What is this to you?"

Obi-Wan forced himself to say the words.  "Just sex.  As I said before: 
There can't be anything else between us.  I…" a harsh laugh escaped him. 
"Corubia and I once got into an argument about this.  She said she thought
you were in love with me.  I…We talked about it again on the Gannet the
other day.  I said…" that was as far as he could make himself go.

"Tell me, Obi-Wan," Qui-Gon whispered. //Or show me, if you can not say
it.//

** I told her I thought you might be starting to like me.  I… suppose I was
mistaken.  I KNOW it is not my place to love you, to be in love with you,
to want you to be in love with me.  No more than it is my place to question
or disobey you.** Here, random memories of their life together flicked
across his mind.  ** Foolish.  I was … I'm sorry, my Master.  I wished for
more in this than there is.  Please, will you continue?**  He touched his
fingers to Qui-Gon's lips.  

//No, Obi-Wan.  Not until we have finished this conversation.//

**Consider it finished.  There is nothing more to say.**  Obi-Wan stroked
his master's hair, reached down to undo Qui-Gon's tunics.  ** This isn't
fair, you know.  You dressed, me half nude.**

//Quite right you are.  And I think this is a discussion best had without
barriers, don't you?// Qui-Gon stood, divested himself of tunics and lay
back down beside Obi-Wan.  This was done with not a moment of seductive
intent or sensual display.  More like readying himself for battle.

"Master, stop it.  I made a mistake and apologized for it.  Now either
punish me, fuck me or both, but stop this…whatever it is."  Obi-Wan wrapped
his arms around Qui-Gon's neck, pulled him close and kissed him hard.

//You stop it.  Stop assuming you're wrong or deserve to be punished and
corrected at every turn.  I'm so sick and tired of watching you shy away
from this as if you don't know what it is.  You DO know.  Now what is it
that has you so spooked?  Something I've said or done?  Something I've
taught you? What?//  Qui-Gon planted his hands on Obi-Wan's chest and
gently pushed him away.  The bed was too small to push him very far, but
his point was made. 

"Please don't do this.  Please, Master.  If we don't talk about it, maybe I
can live without it… please Master Jinn, if you ever cared for me at all,
have some mercy on me now," Obi-Wan was well pleased at how steady his
voice remained.  The formal address felt right in his mouth just now.  

"I see pain in every glance, with every breath you take.  I hear hope dying
inside you and you ask me to leave you like this out of mercy?  What do you
think I am, Padawan?"

"You are above me, Master Jinn and soon this will be an attachment you can
no longer afford."

"Who told you that?" Qui-Gon demanded.

"No one had to tell me.  I know my place.  If I'm too much of a burden on a
Knight, how could I be anything else to you, Master Jinn?"

"You're talking about that Obream ass, aren't you?  How he broke with you
all those years ago?  Do you know why he's never seen at the Temple when we
are here?"

Obi-Wan shook his head. "I assumed he wished to spare himself the sight of
me."

"We had a loud and very public conversation on the subject of my Padawan's
feelings.  You do remember who my Padawan is, don't you?" At Obi-Wan's nod,
Qui-Gon continued.  "He hurt you needlessly and that after he'd given me
his word that he would be careful of you.  He made a liar of me, because I
had permitted the relationship and advised you that he was worthy of your
attentions.  I have not forgiven him for his callous treatment of you.  I
have no intention of doing so."

Obi-Wan blushed.  "I was a fool then to believe he would truly care for me,
just as I am a fool now to hope you ever will.  You may love me now, or be
infatuated, but it can not last. You should not blame him for my failings,
Master.  If I had kept my heart to myself, no one would have been hurt."

"And that's what you're doing now, isn't it?  Crushing your feelings for me
so that you do not 'inconvenience' me.  Trying to deny your emotions that
everyone can see, just to prevent my turning you away.  And you're making
excuses for those who have hurt you.  I thought I gave you very specific
instructions to that quarter," Qui-Gon was starting to feel a shade worked
up about the whole thing.

Obi-Wan considered the assertion.  "Yes.  It is better to be alone."

"And hurting inside?"

"Better I hurt, or even died, than cause you a moment's care or worry. A
little pain here and there for me is nothing if it spares you the
embarrassment of my unwanted affection." Obi-Wan said this with utter
conviction.

Qui-Gon's fingers closed around Obi-Wan's biceps, fingers digging in,
demanding attention.  "Your affection is not unwanted.  It is very much
desired, in fact.  Do you think even for a second that I would have
accepted a physical relationship with you if I did not wish something
more?  Something real?  I do not enter into these things lightly."

Obi-Wan lay stunned.  After a moment he regained the ability to speak.  "Do
you mean that?"

"Yes, I mean that."  Strong hands smoothed away the pale marks they had
left on his arms.

"And do I need to answer for myself right now?  Because I don't know what
to say."

"Think on it.  Think on what you might wish to have with me.  Make an
informed decision.  You know me well enough, know that I am not overly
thoughtful, nor perfect in most ways that matter.  But I do care for you,
and deeply.  Please believe that, despite the fact that you 'Never believe
anything anyone tells you in bed.'  I know you do not want me saying this,
but I love you.  Not that fleeting stuff you have seen before, but the kind
that is patient and willing to wait.  The kind that hopes to woo and win
you, despite the odds against you ever accepting me as I wish to offer
myself to you."  Qui-Gon raised Obi-Wan's palm to his lips.  "The kind I
believe you could have for me, if only you would find your own worth."

Obi-Wan closed his eyes, focused on himself, his master, his *lover*, if he
was honest with himself.  Lover.  Obi-Wan let his anxieties go and allowed
his feelings and instincts choose his words.   "I think that what we want
from life are very different things."

"Really?  I thought we were very much alike in our desires.  Jedi first,
and to the core," Qui-Gon grinned.

"Yes, Jedi first and always.  But Master, there are several very different
ways of being Jedi.  Have you never noticed just how uncomfortable I am
with fieldwork?  I'm very good at it, do well on missions ... but I don't
think I want that to be my primary function in the Order."  Obi-Wan offered
this confession tentatively, hoping Qui-Gon understood.  

"Oh," Qui-Gon whispered.

"That's what I meant by a Padawan not being a fit partner for you.  I have
a lot to learn yet, about life, about what I want, what I need.  There's
too much that I haven't done yet to know what I can offer you.  But I do
know this.  Once I get a voice in the decision, I won't be going out to
skies-be-damned backwater worlds to negotiate treaties that won't last a
year.  I won't be doing political gruntwork for Senators who can't or won't
do it for themselves.  I'll be doing something that I find personally
rewarding, if I can."  Obi-Wan crawled over Qui-Gon and went to stand by
the window.  

"What is it you want to do, Obi-Wan?"  Qui-Gon came to join him.

"I'm trying to figure it out.  I know I want to work with the Trainees.  I
know I want a Padawan eventually.  But what I'm really sure of, down in my
bones, is that my true calling isn't out there in the field.  It's here, in
the Temple.  Maybe with the philosophers and teachers I can find out what
I'm supposed to be doing," Obi-Wan shrugged.

Qui-Gon wrapped his arms around his student.  "Maybe with the philosophers
and the teachers is where you belong.  Obi-Wan, listen to me.  Hear these
words with an open heart.  I would defy the Council to be with you.  I
would give up the Order to be with you.  I would fight and kill and cheat
and steal to be with you.  I love you.  I have no problem whatsoever with
giving up fieldwork for you."

"But I don't want you to, Qui-Gon.  That kind of work is what you love.  I
would hate myself for taking you from it.  I won't allow you to martyr
yourself like that.  Please don't," Obi-Wan turned in his lover's arms,
kissed his neck gently.

"Then what are we to do, my Obi-Wan?"

"Well, there are any number of options, really.  I'm sure you've already
thought of a few yourself.  But for now?  We wait.  We see what the Force
brings to us.  If you are willing, just wait and hope.  And I will continue
to think on what it is I want with you. You will give me time to consider?"

"All that you need and more."  Qui-Gon swore.

"And you will accept my decision, whatever it might be?"

"Could you think I would treat you otherwise?"

"And this?  The physical?  Must it cease until I know the answer?"

"No.  We can do this any way you're comfortable with.  There are few rules
in these matters.  Few that work, anyway." Qui-Gon pulled Obi-Wan closer. 
"But I will do anything you want, here in this place.  This is our time,
when we do not need to be Jedi, nor do we need to be Master and Padawan. 
Here, if you will let it be so, we can be just Qui-Gon.  Just Obi-Wan."

Obi-Wan considered this.  "Just Koateleu.  Just Pantreti."

Qui-Gon's jaw hit his chest. "Just what?"

Obi-Wan smirked. "If you can give me an inappropriate nickname, then I can
give one to you.  And I leave it to your Jedi ingenuity to discover it's
meaning.  There is something I want to ask you about.  It is something I
have wondered and worried over for some time now."

"Ask and I will answer if I know," Qui-Gon swore.

"How do you like your syrup?  I can never work out what you're doing with
it."

Qui-Gon smiled, then chuckled, then let his head fall back as he abandoned
himself to laughter.  "My syrup? Like on hotcakes?  You WORRIED about
that?"

Obi-Wan sniffed defensively.  "In case you haven't noticed, I'm a
better-than-passing cook.  I like to know how things should taste, how to
make them.  Now, having eaten your cooking on more than one occasion, I can
see how this interest might be lost on you.  But you did promise, so
tell."  Obi-Wan cocked his head to one side and fixed his teacher with a
steady gaze.

"I'll do better than that. I'll show you." Qui-Gon crushed Obi-Wan's lips
in a smoldering kiss. "Strip."

"Why do I get the feeling I'm going to hear complaints from the laundry
room?" Obi-Wan mused aloud as he wriggled out of his pants.

"Fine, we'll move this to my room and muss my sheets, if that suits you
better," Qui-Gon rose to collect supplies from the kitchen.

"It does, oh Master mine.  At least I'll have someplace to sleep that won't
be glazed."

Obi-Wan made his way to Qui-Gon's bedroom, trying to still his thoughts. 
*Do not focus on your anxieties, Kenobi,* he chided himself with his
master's oft-repeated advice.  And that was the core of it, really.  He was
taking off his pants and crawling into his master's bed.  His MASTER'S
bed.  HIS master's bed.  The phrase echoed in his thoughts, trying to find
some kind of logic to connect with.  He lay back and closed his eyes,
trying to obey his lifetime of training.  To live in the moment and let the
future take care of itself.  When he opened his eyes Qui-Gon was standing
over him with two bottles of syrup and not a stitch of clothes upon him. 
Suddenly, the moment seemed a very friendly place.

Qui-Gon set the bottles aside and joined Obi-Wan on the bed.  "I'm not sure
this is going to be the revelation you are looking for, but I'll do me
best," he chuckled.

Obi-Wan wrinkled his nose, "As long as I get an answer of some sort…"

"You may be the only man I know who can fret about breakfast condiments,
Koatel.  Now, first thing is to put those worries aside and listen to a
little story.  Once upon a time, I was a child,"  Qui-Gon began.