My life has been part of a big experiment,almost right from the very begining.I believe to get the most out of it you have to take everything offered to you,and not allways with a smile,
sometimes kicking and screaming.You find out what works best and continue.My first unexpected experiment was at age 13,when I got stomach ulcers and went to Hospital.I enjoyed it after the pain went away.The nurses were nice to me, it was peaceful,and I got to do what I liked.Watch T.V.,go to a secret place with my friends and smoke cigarettes.Sometimes go to the rooftop and enjoy the view.
2nd experiment was at age 14 hanging around with the kids at school,we wagged,smoked,and broke into shops at night.I paid for this by going to a girls home.After I found out what it was like,I enjoyed it there as well.The reason was that people got along with each other,and I made friends,it was a controlled environment where everyone was protected.My family was a drunken abusive father,a mother on sedatives who also drank,and a brother who was never home.Us "animals" never knew who or what was going to be smashed up next.It was nice to know the staff in the girls home could almost always prevent atrocious accidents.I stayed there ten months,as they couldn't find a suitable family for me to board with.Christmas was coming, the staff really wanted me to go home to my family.I REFUSED.But they told my mother whom I loved very much that I was going,she had always had this happy family fantasy,and was overjoyed.Now I had to go.I spent the next 2 weeks not sleeping,and worrying over it.
It turned out just the same as every other year.My father was drunk and walking over the toys breaking them.Mum busy trying to please everyone.Instead of sleeping that night I got out of bed and started cleaning all the cupboards,for mum all night.
After going back to the girls home I was a wreck,spaced out....,reality was a dream.I was very scared and paranoid,I cried a lot.They put me into a Psych institution.The staff didn't turn out to be so nice after all.I was 15 then.It was hard being that age,heavily sedated in an adult facility.
This begins experiment no.3.Iwas so thin I weighed nothing.The food was horrible stews,with animal intestines.The days were long and drawn out.The drugs turned me into a zombie,living,but half dead.The whole episode was endless,boring and an effort.
My conclusion was never get yourself on these drugs again.I got transferred to a childrens facility,it was better,but times were tough on the drugs where ever I was.
After I got out I was 16,I lived in a flat and rehabilitated myself.It was very difficult at first,all the old problems I had were resurfacing.I had to understand them as a withdrawel stage and cope with that.
I would never believe in the system that did this to me.They were liars who were only interested in the money.Or else sucked into it by believing chemical straight jackets were a normal part of thinking living and feeling.
People need to realise that it is a must for you to believe in yourself and ignore anyone who stands in your way, if you can.Otherwise pretend you believe them,dont tell them,and try to keep away from them.Being natural is the only way to stay strong and deal with life.
If you want to kill someone or yourself you will not win.Any voices inside your head is your own self concious thinking,don't believe its anyone else.I think religion is just another way of controlling people,so don't go down that road.Understand your thoughts are your own,and you can control them.When you think of something that doesn't sound right to you,you have to know its not real.Your mind can play tricks on you, like you are in your own theatre.A way out is to read,watch t.v.,just keep concentrating on other things.When its time to go to sleep,relax put an earphone in and listen to the radio.When you get really good at it you deep breath slowly and think of one word over and over--you will sleep like this.But you have to build up your level of concentration.Give up the drugs, let the outside world feed you information,untill your thoughts that once imprisoned you,seem small and trivial.Then nothing will hold you back.
Experiment No.4.Iam now a happy married woman.Who is 34 with 2 cats.we live in a house that we are paying off.We don't drink or take drugs.I have been off them now for 14 years and going strong.
Life can be hell but it is also what you make it.I'm not a goody goody,but I wish everyone a good life,really good!
Smokie Mouw.
�Copyright 2000.