| Does Your Cat Own You? *Do you select your friends based on how well your cats like them? *Does your desire to collect cats intensify during times of stress? *Do you buy more than 50 pounds of cat litter a month? *Do you think it's cute when your cat swings on your drapes or licks your butter? *Do you admit to non-cat owners how many cats you really have? *Do you sleep in the same position all night because it annoys your cats when you move? *Do you kiss your cat on the whiskers? *Do you feed your cat tidbits from the table with your fork? *Does your cat sleep on your head? Do you like it? *Do you have more than four opened but rejected cans of cat food in the refrigerator? *Do you watch bad TV because the cat is sleeping on the remote? *Will you stand at the open door indefinitely in the freezing rain while your cat sniffs the door, deciding whether to go out or come in? *Would you rather spend a night at home with your cat than go out on a bad date? *Do you give your cat presents and a stocking at Christmas? *Do you put off making the bed until the cat gets up? |
| How to Give Your Cat a Pill in 10 Easy Steps 1.Sit on sofa. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your elbow as though you were going to give a bottle to a baby. Talk softly to it. 2.With right hand, stroke cat's throat until it opens its mouth (be patient). Drop pill into mouth. Let go of cat, noticing the direction it runs. 3.Pick the pill up off the floor and go get the cat. Sit on floor in kitchen, wrap arm around cat as before, drop pill in mouth. Let go of cat, noticing the direction it runs. 4.Scoot across floor to pick up pill, and go find the cat. Bring it back into the kitchen. Hold cat as before, but hold down its front paws with forearm. Drop pill into mouth. 5.Pry claws from back legs out of your arm. Go get the cat, pick up half-dissolved pill from floor and drop it into garbage can. 6.Get new pill from bottle. Go into bathroom and get a fluffy towel. Stay in the bathroom with the cat, and close the door. 7.Sit on bathroom floor, wrap towel around kitty, leaving only his head exposed. Cradle kitty in the crook of your arm, and pick up pill off of counter. 8.Retrieve cat from top of shower door (you didn't know that cats can jump 5 feet straight up in the air, did you?), and wrap towel around it a little tighter, making sure its paws can't come out this time. With fingers at either side of its jaw, pry it open and pop pill into mouth. Quickly close mouth (his, not yours). 9.Sit on floor with cat in your lap, stroking it under the chin and talking gently to it for at least a half hour, while the pill dissolves. 10.Unwrap towel, open bathroom door. Wash off scratches in warm soapy water, comb your hair, and go find something to occupy your time for 7-1/2 hours, then repeat |
| Cat Rules "There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast." "Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this." "Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow." "In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats." "As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat." "One cat just leads to another." "Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you later." "Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia." "People who hate cats, will come back as mice in their next life." "I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior "There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats." "The cat has too much spirit to have no heart." "Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God." "Time spent with cats is never wasted." "Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you mean" "Cats aren't clean, they're covered with cat spit." |
| Ten Things A Cat Thinks About 1.I could have sworn I heard the can opener. 2.Is there something I'm not getting when humans make noise with their mouths? 3.Why doesn't the government do something about dogs? 4.I wonder if Morris really liked 9-Lives, or did he have an ulterior motive? 5.Hmmm ... If dogs serve humans, and humans serve cats, why can't we cats ever get these stupid dogs to do anything for us? 6.This looks like a good spot for a nap. 7.Hey, no kidding, I'm sure that's the can opener. 8.Would humans have built a vast and complex civilization of their own if we cats handn't give them a reason to invent sofas and can openers in the first place? 9.If there's a God, how can He allow neutering/spaying? 10.If that really was the can opener, I'll play finicky just to let them know who's boss! |
| HOW TO BATHE YOUR CAT Some people say cats never have to be bathed. They say cats lick themselves clean. They say cats have a special enzyme of some sort in their saliva that works like new, improved Wisk - dislodging the dirt where it hides and whisking it away. I've spent most of my life believing this folklore. Like most blind believers, I've been able to discount all the facts to the contrary, the kitty odors that lurk in the corners of the garage and dirt smudges that cling to the throw rug by the fireplace. The time comes, however, when a man must face reality: when he must look squarely in the face of massive public sentiment to the contrary and announce: "This cat smells like a port-a-potty on a hot day in Juarez." When that day arrives at your house, as it has in mine, I have some advice you might consider as you place your feline friend under your arm and head for the bathtub: Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding-glass doors as if you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.) Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself. I recommend: canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face mask, and a long-sleeved flak jacket. Prepare everything in advance. There is no time to go out for a towel when you have a cat digging a hole in your flak jacket. Draw the water. Make sure the bottle of kitty shampoo is inside the glass enclosure.� Make sure the towel can be reached, even if you are lying on your back in the water. Use the element of surprise... Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your strange attire). They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule. If he does notice your garb, calmly explain that you are taking part in a product testing experiment for any second hand store such as Frenchy's or any "Sally Anne Shop". Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more than two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He'll then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record for cats is three latherings, so don't expect too much.) Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this point and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying is simple compared to what you have just been through. That's because by now the cat is semi permanently affixed to your right leg. You simply pop the drain plug with you foot, reach for your towel and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.) After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat. In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become psychoceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine. You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath. But at least now he smells a lot better |
| HOW CATS PREDICT THE WEATHER To predict the weather, go to your back door and look for the dog. If the dog is at the door and he is wet, it's probably raining. But if the dog is standing there really soaking wet, it is probably raining really hard. If the dog's fur looks like it's been rubbed the wrong way, it's probably windy. If the dog has snow on his back, it's probably snowing. Of course, to be able to tell the weather like this, you have to leave the dog outside all of the time, especially if you expect bad weather. Sincerely, The CAT |
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