A man in his mid-fifties did a Loraina Bobbit on himself in a
                drunken rage and ended up in the ER.  The urologist thought that
                he could reattach the mans genitalia if it could be recovered and
                if it was in good condition.  The police were dispatched to the
                man's house and the search was on.  During the search, one of the
                officers heard a choking sound coming from the man's poodle that
                was sitting in the corner. After a brief fight, the officer was
                able to retrieve the man's jewels from the dog's mouth.  After
                inspection of the parts by the urologist it was decided that the
                man would need to be taught to pee while sitting.  The officer
                was given a commendation from his precinct for medical
                assistance.

                
                A doctor who spoke limited Spanish was rushed to a car in the ER
                parking lot to find a Spanish woman in the process of giving
                birth. Wanting to tell the woman to push he started yelling
                "Puta!  Puta! Puta!"  At this the grandmother started to cry and
                the baby's father had to be restrained.  What the doctor should
                have been saying was "Puja!" (Push!).  Instead, he was saying,
                "Whore!  Whore!  Whore!"

                An unconscious 36-year old male was brought to the ER with
                cocaine induced seizures.  As a nurse pulled back his foreskin to
                insert a catheter a neatly folded twenty dollar bill fell out of
                the foreskin fold.  When the man woke up and demanded to leave,
                the nurse gave him back his belongings and told him where she had
                found the money.  His response: "It was a fifty, bitch!"

                An elderly woman came into the ER complaining, "I got the green
                vines in my virginny".  A pelvic exam verified that she did,
                indeed, have a six inch vine growing out of her vagina.  Further
                inspection revealed that she had a mass in her vaginal vault. It
                was easily removed and looked very much like a potato.  It was,
                indeed, a potato.  The patient said that her uterus was falling
                out and that she "put a potato in there to hold it up" and then
                forgot about it.

                The most nonemergent ER visit:  A male adolescent came in at 2
                a.m. with a complaint of belly button lint.

                A young female came to the ER with lower abdominal pain.  During
                the exam and questioning, the female denied being sexually
                active.  The doctor gave her a pregnancy test anyway and it came
                back positive. The doctor went back to the young female's room.
                Doctor:  "The results of your pregnancy test came back positive.
                Are you sure you're not sexually active?" Patient:  "Sexually
                active?  No, sir, I just lay there." Doctor:  "I see.  Well, do
                you know who the father is?" Patient: "No. Who?"

                A 92-year old woman had a full cardiac arrest at home and was
                rushed to the hospital.  After about thirty minutes of
                unsuccessful resuscitation attempts, the old lady was pronounced
                dead.  The doctor went to tell the lady's 78-year old daughter
                that her mother didn't make it. "Didn't make it?  Where could
                they be?  She left in the ambulance forty-five minutes ago!"

                A 15-year old boy was laying on a stretcher with his mother
                sitting next to him.  The boy was coming down from "crank"
                (methamphetamine) that he had injected into his veins with
                needles he had been sharing with his friends.  Concerned about
                this the doctor asked the boy if there was anything he might have
                been doing that put him at risk for AIDS.  The boy thought for a
                while then said questioningly, "I've been screwing the dog?"

                A 19-year old female was asked why she was in the ER.  She said
                that she and her boyfriend were having sex and the condom came
                off and she wasn't able to retrieve it with her fingers.  "Then I
                went to the bathroom and 'gagged' myself to vomit, but couldn't
                vomit it up either."