bill callahan on the couch, nme 15 july 2000

What song describes you best?
Mozart's fith

What is heaven?
Driving barefoot from Tuxpan to Chetumal

What is hell?
Dinner with an Englishman. The pickiest eaters on earth, with the blandest palates. They'd be happy if you just dumped some flour in a bowl with tepid water and gave them a spoon

What is your earliest memory?
I remember poking my head out of my mother's womb and asking if they'd come up with a diet soda that tastes good yet. But I can't remember much from before that. Everyone says they want to go back to the womb. I don't know about that. Maybe if I could get a TV in there and a leather couch. Otherwise it would be pretty boring after the initial erotic horror wore off.

What is your greatest fear?
becoming interesting

Who is your all-time hero?
I am fond of Peter Falk

Whats the worst trouble you've ever been in?
I'm pretty good at not getting caught. Except sometimes I think life is like one big episode of Columbo. You know how he doesn't appear in the first half of the show? I expect him to show up soon and stick around for a few decades getting me to confess

Who was your first love?
Jodie Foster in The Little Girl Who Lived Down The Lane

What is your greatest talent?
Keeping myself focused on a cause greater than myself

Upon whom would you most like to exact revenge?
No one. Oh, there was this person who hurt a friend of mine

What have you most regretted doing while drunk?
I like to think this has yet to come

What can you cook?
I'm pretty good at heating up leftovers, but enough about my last album

What's the best piece of advice you've ever recieved?
"Nothing lasts forever". But that was before Viagra

What is your most treasures possession?
I tell you, this whole place could go up in flames and I wouldn't really care. Though I would probably grab my passport. My place was burglarised a couple of days ago and they took just about everything, including my faithful electric guitar that I've recorded all my albums with and played all my shows on for ten years. I think it's funny that it's sitting in some pawn shop somewhere now, brimming with secrets it's owner will never know

Can you read music?
I used to be able to, but let it wither by the wayside in an effort to de-cerebralise the whole process

If you were invisible for a day what would you do?
I would probably get on a plane and go someplace far away, slip through passport control unseen. I resent having to announce my arrival into a country. I like the idea of being somewhere where no-one knows where I am. Or maybe I'd play a show and blow everyones mind. Booya!

What are your three final wishes?
You mean final; before my death? I'd like a lifesize statue of my likeness made out of stone and placed on the ocean floor. Two: I'd like a nickname I felt good about. 'Doctor Chumpstein' just isn't cutting it anymore. Three: to ride a kangaroo