Q. How do you sink a polish battleship?
A. Put it in water.
A polish guy wins a brand new sports car in a contest. He drives around all the time waving at the rednecks. One day the rednecks stop him, they draw a circle in the dirt and say "If you step out of that circle, we will kick your ass." They pick up hammers and start busting up his new car. They look back and he is smiling. They hit the car some more, and he is laughing. They walk over to him and ask "Why are you laughing, we just busted up your car."
He says "I know, but I stepped out of the circle 9 times."
Q: How do you get a one-armed Polak out of a tree?
A: Wave to him.
A Pole, English, and French guy are running away from the German soldiers when they come up to a forest and they decide to hide by each climing a tree. When the Germans arrive, they go to the first tree where the English guy is, and shout, "We know you're up there; come down."
The English guy, thinking fast, says, "Twit, twit, twit..."
The Germans, thinking that it's a bird, move on to the next
tree where the French guy is and once again shout, "We know you're up there; come down."
The French guy, thinking fast, says, "Woo, woo, woo..."
The Germans, thinking that it's an owl, move on to the next
tree where the Polish guy is and once again shout, "We know you're up there; come down."
The Polish guy thinks for a while and then says, "Moo, moo,
moo..."
This Polak came home one day from work, hung up his coat, took
off his hat and walked into his bedroom shouting "honey I am home!"
What should he see but his best friend in bed with his wife.
Infuriated, he rushed to the cupboard, pulled out his gun and put it
to his head. His wife started laughing.
"Don't laugh!" he screams. "You're next!"
In America, they say, "It's 10:00 - Do you know where your children are?"
In England, they say, "It's 10:00 - Do you know where your wife is?"
In France, they say, "It's 10:00 - Do you know where your husband is?"
In Poland, they say, "It's 10:00 - Do you know what time it is?"
Q: What do you call a Pole with 1500 girl friends?
A: A sheperd.
Q: Why don't Polish women breast-feed their babies?
A: It hurts too much when they boil the nipples.
Q: Why do Polish men make lousy lovers?
A: Because they always wait for the swelling to go down.
An Englishman, a Texan and a Polak are lost in the Nevada desert. After days without water or food they come upon a lamp half burried in the sand. They rub the lamp and out comes a genie. Since they all rubbed the lamp the genie grants each one a single wish. The Texan goes first and wishes to be transported back to his house where his pool was filled with beautiful women. The claps his hands and the Texan vanishes in a flash of light. The Englisman wishes to be transported back to his house where he knows his wife will be eagerly awaiting him. Once again the Genie claps his hands and the Englishman vanishes. The Polak sits down and thinks about what he should wish for. Suddenly realizing he is all alone in the desert, he promptly wishes that the Texan and the Englishman were back.
Two Polaks are riding across Europe on a 727, a 3-engined plane, when the pilot announces, "Folks, we just had one engine go out, but don't worry, this plane can fly just fine on two engines, but we're going to be about 1 hour late getting into Warsaw."
An hour later, the pilot gets on the intercom again, "Folks,
don't get alarmed, but a second engine just went out, but please don't worry. This plane is designed to fly safely on one engine, but now we'll be about 2 hours late getting into Warsaw."
After that announcement, one Polak looks at the other and
says, "Well, I sure hope that third engine doesn't go out. We'll be up here all night."
A 12-year-old boy comes up to the Polak and says, "I was looking in your bedroom window last night and I saw your wife giving you a blow job. Nyah, nyah, nyah."
The Polak answers, "The joke's on you, Johnny. Nyah, nyah,
nyah--I wasn't even home last night."
Q: What does a polish girl do after she sucks cock?
A: Spits out the feathers.
Q: Why did the polack put ice in his condom?
A: To keep the swelling down.
Q: Why did the Polak sell his water skis?
A: He couldn't find a lake with a hill in it.
There are three construction workers on top of a building having lunch. One Italian, one Polak, and one Oriental. The Italian has a meatball hero, the Oriental has noodles, and the Polak has knockwurst. The Italian and the Oriental are tired of having the same lunches everyday. The Italian says that if he gets a meatball hero the next day that he will throw it off the building. The
Oriental says that if he gets noodles tommorow he will also throw it
off the building. The Polak says that if he gets knockwurst
tommorow he will throw it off the building.
Sure enough the Italian and Oriental workers open their
lunch-boxes and they find that they have a meatball hero and noodles respectively. They both throw their lunches off the building. The Polak then throws his sandwich off the building. The other guys ask him how he knew that it was knockwurst again without even looking. He responded by saying, "Because I pack my own lunch."
A Polak is hired to paint the lines on the road. On the first day he paints ten miles, and his employers are amazed. But, the second day he painted just five, and on only the third day, he painted only a mile of the road. Disappointed his boss asks what the problem was. The Polak replies, "Well sir, every day I have to walk farther and farther to get back to the paint bucket."
An Italian, an American, and a Polak were captured by the French for various crimes and are taken to the Guillotine. The executioner places the Italian on the block and asks if he has any last words. The Italian replies, "I pray to the Virgin Mary that I may live." They drop the blade it it stops a mere inch above the Italian's neck. Amazed, the French let him go.
Next, the American is put in position and asked if he has any
final words. He replies, "In the name of Jesus Christ, please have
mercy." They drop the blade, and again it stops just an inch from the American's neck. In disbelief, they let him go free.
Then the Polak is placed on the block, and they ask if he has
any last words. He says, "Yeah. You've got a knot in your rope."
Three prisoners, an American, a German, and a Polak, are scheduled to be executed by firing squad. They bring out the American and stand him in front of the pole. He points and shouts, "Tornado!" They all look and the American runs away. Next, they place the German in front of the firing squad. He yells "Earthquake!" They all hit the dust and the German escapes. Next up is the Polak. He looks around and shouts "Fire!"
Q: What did the Polish mother say when her daughter announced that she was pregnant?
A: "Are you sure it's yours?"
Q: Why did the Polish couple decide to have only 4 children?
A: They'd read in the newspaper that one out of every five babies
born in the world today is Chinese.
A Polak was jumped by two muggers and fought like hell, but was finally subdued. His attackers then proceeded to go through his pockets. "You mean you fought like that for 57 cents?" asked one of the muggers increduously.
"Is that all you wanted?" moaned the Pole. "I thought you were
after the $400 in my shoe!"
Q: How do you confuse a Polak?
A: Put him in a round room and tell him to piss in the corner.
Q: Why do Polish dogs have flat noses?
A: From chasing parked cars.
Q: Did you hear about the Polish man that locked his keys in his car?
A: He had to use a coat hanger to get his family out.
A guy walks into a bar, sits downs and starts to makeconversation with guy at next table. "Want to hear the worlds's worst Polish Joke?"
#2 says "Sure, but before you tell it, let me tell you
something. See those two bikers over there by the door??? They're Polish. And those two bouncers by the bar?
They're Polish too! The Bartender?? Polish!! And one more thing pal, I'm Polish too!!! Now..... still want to tell that joke?"
"Hell no!", replies #1, "I don't want to have to explain it 6
times!"
A popular bar had a new robotic bartender installed. A guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?"
The man replied, "130." So the robot proceeded to make
conversation about physics, astronomy, and so on. The man listened intently and thought, "This is really cool."
Another guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him,
"What's your IQ?"
The man responded, "120." So the robot started talking about
the superbowl, dirt bikes, and so on. The man thought to himself,
"Wow, this is really cool."
A third guy came in to the bar. As with the others, the robot
asked him, "What's your IQ?"
The man replied, "80."
The robot then said, "So, how are things in Poland these
days?"
Q: Did you hear about the Polak who thought his wife was trying to kill him?
A: On her dressing table he found a bottle of "Polish Remover".
Q: Did you hear about the Polish Helicopter crash?
A: The pilot got cold, so he turned off the fan.
