Men are Like...

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Floor Tiles, if you lay them right the first time, you can walk all over them for years

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Bank Accounts, without a lot of money, they dont generate much interest

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Blenders, you need one, but you're not quite sure why

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Chocolate Bars, sweet, smooth and they usually head right for your hips.

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Coffee, the best ones are rich, warm and can keep you up all night long.

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Commercials, you cant believe a word they say.

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Computers, hard to figure out and never have enough memory.

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Coolers, load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Copiers, you need them for reproduction, but thats about it.

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Curling Irons, they're always hot and they're always in your hair.

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Cement, after getting laid they take along time to get hard.

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Government Bonds, they take so long to mature.

MEN ARE LIKE . . . High Heels, they're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Horoscopes, they always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Lava Lamps, fun to look at, but not all that bright.

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Mascara, they usually run at the first sign of emotion.

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Parking Spots, the good ones are already taken and the ones that are left are handicapped or extremely small.

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Popcorn, they satisfy you, but only for a little while.

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Place Mats, they only show up when there's food on the table.

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Snow Storms, you never know when they're coming, how many inches youll get or how long they will last.

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Used Cars, both are easy-to-get, cheap and unreliable.

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Bank Machines, once they withdraw they lose interest.

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Bananas, the older they get, the less firm they are.

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Newborn Babies, they're cute at first, but you get tired of cleaning up their crap.

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Crystal, some look real good, but you can still see right thru them.

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Dry Cleaners, most work fast and leave no ring.

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Laxatives, they irritate the shit out of you.

Impress Me

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN:
1. Compliment her, 2. cuddle her, 3. kiss her, 4. caress her, 5. love her, 6. stroke her, 7. tease her, 8. comfort her, 9. protect her, 10. hug her, 11. hold her, 12. spend money on her, 13. wine & dine her, 14. buy things for her, 15. listen to her, 16. care for her, 17. stand by her, 18. support her, 19. go to the ends of the earth for her...

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN: 1.Show up naked. a). Bring beer.

The Farm Boy

A farm boy gets up early one morning and finds himself very hungry. So he hurries downstairs to get his breakfast. When he reaches the kitchen, he finds his mom already there. "Not so fast, young man" she says; "You won't get breakfast until you're chores are done!" Perturbed, the boy stomps out of the house to do his chores. On the way to the barn, he shoves the cow out of his way. Then he kicks the rooster in his frustration. At the pig pen, he pulls the sow's ears. Finally he finishes his chores and returns to the kitchen to get his breakfast. His mom says, "I saw you shove the cow, and for that you won't have milk for breakfast. I also saw you kick the rooster; for that, no eggs. And I saw you pull the sow's ears; for that, no bacon. At that very moment, the little boy's Dad walks through the door and trips over the cat. Pissed off, he kicks the cat across the room. The little boy looks up to his Mom and says, "Are you going to tell him or am I?"

How Men and Women Change the Oil

Women:

1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 since the last oil change.
2. Drink a cup of coffee.
3. 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money Spent:
$20.00 Oil Change
$1.00 Coffee
----------------
$21.00 Total

Men:

1. Go to auto parts store and write a check for $50 dollars for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and scented tree.
2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.
3. Open a beer and drink it.
4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7. Place drain pan under engine.
8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9. Give up and use crescent wrench.
10. Unscrew drain plug.
11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in process.
12. Clean up.
13. Have another beer while oil is draining.
14. Look for oil filter wrench.
15. Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist it off.
16. Beer.
17. Buddy shows up; finish case with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.
18. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
19. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil to gasket first.
23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24. Remember drain plug from step 11.
25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26. Hurry to replace drain plug before the whole quart of fresh oil drains onto floor.
27. Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame.
28. Bang head on floor board in reaction.
29. Begin cussing fit.
30. Throw wrench.
31. Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December (1992) in the left breast.
32. Clean up. Apply Band-Aid to knuckle.
33. Beer.
34. Beer.
35. Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil.
36. Beer.
37. Lower car from jack stands
38. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands
39. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 23.
40. Test drive car
41. Get pulled over; arrested for driving under the influence.
42. Car gets impounded.
43. Make bail. Get car from impound yard.

Money Spent:
$50 parts
$12 beer
$75 replacement set of jack stands; hey the colors have to match! $1000 Bail
$200 Impound and towing fee
---------------------------
$1337 Total

What's the difference between men and batteries?

Batteries have a positive side.

The difference between men and women

A man is driving down a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving up the same road. As they pass each other the woman leans out the window and yells: "PIG!!" The man immediately leans out his window and replies "BITCH!!" They each continue on their way and as the man rounds the next sharp curve he slams into a pig in the middle of the road.

No Snow Women?

Q: Why are there only snowmen and no snowomen?

A: Because only men are stupid enough to stand out in the snow all Winter.

Here is a brilliant tip on how to grow your own dope!

Plant a man.

The Princess and the Frog

Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat, contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.
The frog hopped into the princess lap and said: "Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am, and then, my sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in yon castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so."
That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly saut�ed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and shallot cream sauce.

"It's just to hot to wear clothes today," said Jack as he stepped out of the shower. "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"

"Probably that I married you for your money."

A 54 year old mathmetician left his wife a note that said, "When you get this message, I'll be at the Grand Hotel with my 18 year old secretary."

The wife faxed him at the hotel with the following message, "When you get this your 54 year old wife will be at home with an 18 year old boy toy. Being a mathmetician you know that 18 will go into 54 a whole lot more than 54 will go into 18."

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