1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat in this?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?
What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is
guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man
answers incorrectly (i.e., tells the truth). Therefore, as a
public service, each question is analyzed below, along with
possible responses.
Question # 1: What are you thinking about? The proper answer
to this, of course, is: " I'm sorry if I've been pensive,
dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful,
thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky
I am to have met you." This response obviously bears no
resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of
the following:
a. Football.
b. Golf.
c. How fat you are.
d. How much prettier she is than you
e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al
Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was
thinking, I would be talking to you!"
Question # 2: Do you love me? The proper response is: "YES!"
or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes,
dear."
Inappropriate responses include:
a. Oh Yeah, sh@*-loads.
b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c. That depends on what you mean by love.
d. Does it matter?
e. Who, me?
Question # 3: Do I look fat?
The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Among
the incorrect answers are:
a. Compared to what?
b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
d. I've seen fatter.
e. Sorry what did you say? I was just thinking about how I
would spend the insurance money if you died.
Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me?
Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course
not!" Incorrect responses include:
a. Yes, but you have a better personality
b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner
c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age
d. Define pretty
e. Sorry what did you say ? I was just thinking about how I
would spend the insurance money if you died.
Question # 5: What would you do if I died? A definite no-win
question.(The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Lotus and a
Boat").
No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an
hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:
WOMAN: Would you get married again?
MAN: Definitely not!
WOMAN: Why not - don't you like being married?
MAN: Of course I do.
WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.
WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
MAN: (makes audible groan)
WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
MAN: Where else would we sleep?
WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with
pictures of her?
MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
MAN: She can't use them; she's left-handed.
WOMAN: - - - silence - - -
MAN: Sh&%.
1. Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the butt
and a "Nice hustle, you'll get'em next time" would pretty much do it.
2. Birth control would come in ale or lager.
3. Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it
would only occur in leap years.
4. On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the
day off to go drinking. Mother's Day too.
5. St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the
same. But it would be celebrated every month.
6. Garbage would take itself out.
7. Regis and Kathy Lee would be chained to a cement mixer
and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative
pay-per-view event in world history.
8. The only show opposite "Monday Night Football" would
"Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle".
9 Instead of "beer-belly", you'd get "beer-biceps".
10. Tanks would be far easier to rent.
11. Two words... "Ally McNaked".
12. When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer
you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in: Cop: "You knowhow fast you were going?" You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place." Cop :"Nice one, That's $10.00 off".
13. People would never talk about how fresh they felt.
14. Daisy Duke shorts would never go out of style again.
15. Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards
per year.
16. Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of
conversation.
17. The victors in any athletic competition would get to
kill and eat the losers.
18. It would perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long
as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.
19. Instead of a fancy, expensive engagement ring, you could
present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said "You're
#1!".
20. When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during
the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.
21. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an
acceptable response to "I love you".
22. The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
23. "Sorry I'm late, but I got wasted last night", would be
an acceptable excuse for tardiness.
24. At the end of the workday a whistle would blow and you
would jump out of your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car.
25. Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?"
cards.
There were two high school sweethearts who went out together
for four years in high school and were both virgins and
enjoyed losing their virginity with each other in 10th
grade. When they graduated, they wanted to both go to the
same college but the girl was accepted to a college on the
east coast, and the guy went to the west coast.
They agreed to be faithful to each other and spend anytime
they could together. As time went on, the guy would call the
girl but she was never home and when he wrote, she would take
weeks to return any letters. Even when he e-mailed her, she
took days to return his messages. Finally, she confessed to
him that she wanted to date around. He didn't take this
very well and increased his calls and letters and e-mails
trying to win back her love. Because she became annoyed, and
now had a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her
back. So what she did was this:
She took a polaroid picture of her sucking her new
boyfriend's unmentionables and sent it to her old boyfriend
with a note reading, "I found a new boyfriend, leave me
alone." Well needless to say, this guy was heartbroken, but
even more so, he was pissed. So what he did next was
awesome:
He wrote on the back of the photo the following: "Dear Mom
and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more
money!" and then mailed the picture to her parents.
This guy bursts into his house and shouts, "Pack your bags,
Honey, I just won the lottery!"
She says, "That's wonderful! Should I pack for the beach or
for the mountains?"
He replies, "I don't care-just get the hell out!"
A host of new drive through cash points is set to sweep
through the country, and the national association of bankers
has issued the following guidelines to ensure full, efficient
use of this new system when it becomes operational in the new
year:
MEN:
1. Pull up to Automatic Drive Through Cash Machine
2. Insert card
3. Enter PIN number
4. Take cash, card and receipt
WOMEN:
1. Pull up to Automatic Drive Through Cash Machine
2. Check makeup in rearview mirror
3. Shut off engine
4. Put keys in handbag
5. Get out of car because you're too far from machine
6. Hunt for card in handbag
7. Insert card
8. Hunt in handbag for old receipt with PIN number written
on it.
9. Enter PIN number
10. Study instructions for at least 2 minutes
11. Hit "cancel"
12. Re-enter correct PIN number
13. Check balance
14. Look for deposit envelope
15. Look in handbag for pen
16. Make out deposit slip
17. Sign cheques
18. Make deposit
19. Study instructions
20. Make cash withdrawal
21. Get in car
22. Check makeup
23. Look for keys.
24. Start car
25. Check makeup
26. Start pulling away
27. STOP
28. Back up to machine
29. Get out of car
30. Take card and receipt
31. Get back in car
32. Put card in wallet
33. Put receipt in chequebook
34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in chequebook
35. Clear area in handbag for wallet and chequebook
36. Check makeup
37. Put car in reverse gear
38. Put car in drive
39. Drive away from machine
40. Travel 3 miles
41. Release handbrake
* If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways,
and one of those ways makes you sad or angry... we meant the
other way.
* Department stores and malls were purposely designed so
that when you want to look at bed linen, shower curtains or
handbags, there are always some speakers, tires or sporting
equipment nearby.
* We don't know ANYTHING about handbags. Please, don't even
ask.
* We DID water the plants. They died anyway. Nobody knows
why this happens.
* Silence does not always need to be filled with discussions
about "us" and "the relationship."
* It is in neither your best interest or ours to take those
stupid magazine quizzes together. * Actually, you probably
don't want to know what we're thinking about.
* Good things for you to help us with: the Sunday
crossword, yard work, the dishes, cleaning, and grocery
shopping. * Things you should let us do alone: figuring
out where we are, watching anything on TBS, playing cards,
and home repair.
* Christopher Columbus didn't need directions and neither do
we.
* Curley is the bald one.
* Unless you are willing to
follow the careers of Cal Ripken, Michael Jordan, or Arnold
Schwarzenegger, don't expect us to know what Helen Gurley
Brown, Hilary Clinton, or Naomi Wolf are up to.
* Socks never constitute a gift. * Dinner out is a pretty
good birthday present. Two tickets to a ball game are even
better.
* Two hot dogs and a drink at a baseball game do, in fact,
constitute going out to dinner.
* Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible
in an argument. All comments become null and void after
seven days.
* You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you
want it done-not both.
* Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials or time-outs.
* No, you can't have the remote control.
* When we're turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto
the off ramp, your saying "This is our exit" is not necessary.
A GUY COMES HOME ONE DAY TO FIND HIS WIFE RUBBING MILK ALL
OVER HER BREASTS.CURIOUSLY HE ASKS HER WHY SHE'S DOING
THIS.SHE REPLIES THAT SHE HAS READ THAT IF YOU RUB MILK ON
YOUR BREASTS THEY GET BIGGER.HE LOOKS AT HER FOR A MOMENT AND
SAYS THEN YOU SHOULD HAVE USED TOILET PAPER. WHY ASKS HIS
WIFE? HE REPLIES BECAUSE IT'S DONE A HELL OF A JOB ON YOUR
ASS
