SHIP OF SPIES
This episode was originally written [without the classy rhymes!] by Robert Bielak
We�re off on the sea, a cruise ship
Two crew men they are smiling
Orlando�s sending a message
They jump him � he�s escaping!
Off down the corridor he runs
The crew are in hot pursuit
Orlando stops, a gun�s pointing�
At him, escape now is moot
In Billy�s office, a cable
On it, it says ship of lies
Something about 24C
Now it is up to our guys
Lee says Orlando�s got something
Billy says �A hangover�
Lee admits O can be flaky
But Lee owes him a favor
Billy says they have got cutbacks
Orlando�s record is poor
They can�t afford to believe him
That they can�t really be sure
�He saved my life once,� argues Lee
�His Grenada stuff was sound�
Lee is convinced he has something
On his own time, will look �round
�You feel that strongly about it?�
Billy asks Lee. �Yes I do�
�Okay then book on the next ship�
�Already done, Billy. Oh�
There�s just one more thing, though, Billy�
The ship�s a honeymoon cruise�
So I�ll be needing a partner�
To come with me and to schmooze�
Dotty and Amand� are shopping
Do you remember those days?
When prices were on the cartons
So long ago, I�m amazed
Jamie has found him a bargain
Amand� says �No� to his pleas
Philip calls Jamie a bozo
Mom gets down upon her knees
She makes them put back the cookies
But she hangs on to the chips
At least until Dotty takes them
Off to the fridges A zips
As she removes a milk carton
A face she knows then says �Hi�
She jumps a mile when she sees him
Doesn�t now even ask �Why?�
�I know you hate when I do that�
Lee says. �It�s weird,� she returns
�What are you doing this weekend?�
That is when her plans he learns
�Mother and I will be shopping�
�You can do that anytime�
�No we can�t �cos there�s a sale on�
I can�t find another rhyme!
Then A is meeting an old friend
Kitty Holcomb is her name
Meanwhile look there in the background
That woman there in the frame
She is looking at A so odd
�Cos A to the fridge she chats
Or so it seems to outsiders
I think she thinks A is bats
But we know better there don�t we
We�d love to stand there and talk
To a handsome spy in the fridge
Even looking like a dork?
Anyway, Kitty, she�s coming
They�re planning lunch this Sat�day
She�ll have pictures of her daughter
Not seen for ten years, you say?
�I can see you�d not want to miss�
Something like that,� Lee admits
For a cruise ship on the ocean
At A�s turn-round I�m in fits
�She will be here for a few weeks�
Lee says, � I just need a hand�
�Kitty said next week is better�
It�s going just as Lee planned
Then he lays it on so thickly
Calypso bands, warm breezes
�Do you really need me?� A asks
�I need you,� A then seizes�
Her chance, �I�ll do it,� she tells him
�If I can say it�s bus�ness�
�Go pack, we leave in the morning�
Business is all that it is
Next day they�re boarding the cruise ship
And they are both looking good
What�s that he�s giving Amanda?
Lee kept quiet while he could
�It looks like an engagement ring�
�It is� says Lee, �put it on�
He thought if she knew the truth then
Before they left, she�d be gone
Even now Lee is still hedging
�Orlando was on this ship�
Last time it sailed, now he�s missing�
That�s why we�ve come on this trip�
�You see, we have to be engaged�
�Cos this one�s a special cruise�
�How special?� Amanda asks him
Now he�s got nothing to lose
�It�s a wedding cruise, Amanda�
Only engaged couples here�
Amanda�s taking this calmly
No problem yet, that is clear
But Lee he just keeps on talking
The penny�s about to drop
When he tells A that in two days
At San Angelo they dock
�When we get there, we get married�
�That�s asking too much,� she says
Turning, she heads for the gangplank
Can�t take the pressure, I guess
In line behind them a couple
Interrupt Amand� and Lee
�Marriage is beautiful,� Miles says
�I should know with more than three!�
Amanda stops �cos their cover
If she leaves, it will be blown
But she is having a hard time
Wait till she gets Lee alone!
�Is this your first cruise?� Miles asks them
�Yes� and �No� they both reply
�So how long have you been engaged?�
Now I�ve just got to ask why?
How come they don�t fix their covers?
For when asked they both screw up
First it�s if they�ve been on a cruise
Then how long they�ve been hooked up
�Six months,� says Lee, for his answer
Meanwhile Amanda says, �Three�
Lee is forced to change his story
�Well, three months, officially�
�I asked her six months ago, now�
�It took awhile to agree�
�You gave him a chance to escape?�
�He was hooked pretty firmly�
In their cabin is a steward
Emiliano, he is
He is just leaving some flowers
They�re from the captain, he says
Lee says, �I know what you�re thinking�
To A, as she looks around
Smiling, �Voila� then he shows her
To be nervous she�s no grounds
They have room that are adjoining
No need for �issues� again
About the accommodations
No closet for Stetson, then
But that is not what A�s thinking
Lee realizes, too late
�You�ve had so much time to tell me�
Why did you think you should wait?�
Meanwhile, outside Emi�s list�ning
Lee says he thought she�d say �No�
If she had known what the truth was
Amanda asks him, �How so?�
Now you can tell Lee�s frustrated
�I know how strongly you feel�
About marriage, but the case will�
Be solved by then,� said with zeal
�Wait a minute,� A has realized
�What if we do?� she asks him
�We won�t,� he laughs, �so no problem�
They�re getting out on that limb
�But for our cover, what happens?�
If we must marry?� she asks
�Yeah,� he says, his voice is wistful
�Yeah?� But Lee�s feelings he masks
That�s when Lee changes the subject
�I have to work, gotta go�
He�s off to check out a cabin
�24C�s all we know�
Now he is in avoidance mode
And her questions he ignores
Still as they look at each other
Don�t you think that he adores�
Sorry, got carried away there
Just for a second, now back
To our two spies on a cruise ship
Maybe now A can unpack?
Lee�s going through 24C
Searching but coming up blank
Just as he�s leaving, a couple
Head his way, Lee please don�t bank�
On getting out of there quickly
They are in love, can�t you see?
And it�s their cabin you�re searching
Another closet, poor Lee!
Meanwhile in Amanda�s cabin
There is a knock at the door
�Telegram for Mr Stetson�
Wonder what now is in store?
The guy who brings it�s called Rackham
The Cruise Director he says
*He�s* bringing a telegram though?
Seems pretty odd by my guess
Later that evening, Lee exits
Room 24C, at last
Who should be there but Amanda
She�s brought the message, so fast
�It seems that someone in Crypto�
Got it wrong, not *ship of lies*
In that original message
It should have said *ship of spies*�
Next day at brunch, they are talking
Meeting some more passengers
Lee asks an innocent question
At their response Lee wonders
�Cos they�ve just done Lee and A�s trick
Got their stories wrong, a bit
But maybe there�s nothing to it
Until they say when they met
Arturo says that they�ve just met
He says � �twas love at first eyes�
But I think our guys have noticed
That this could be a disguise
Rackham comes over to see them
Asks them if everything�s fine
Lee says his friend took a cruise here
He�s just throwing out a line
And Rackham takes the bait simply
Denying Orlando�s trip
At least he doesn�t remember
And to Lee that is a slip
Rackham�s come to take the women
Off to the ship�s bridal shop
Miles then he turns to Arturo
�How did the question you pop?�
Arturo excuses himself
Leaving Miles alone with Lee
�He�s a strange fellow, isn�t he?�
And Lee is forced to agree
Amand� comes from the casino
Where Lee is waiting outside
�I thought that you had gone shopping?�
�It�s overpriced,� A confides
�Anyway, well, I was thinking�
What 24C could mean�
Casino could be the answer�
Lee said, �I�ve already been�
�It is *my* job to find answers�
*Your* job is-� �It�s to help you�
As they walk they are arm in arm
Lee�s hand is on her hand too!
�The others aren�t on the level�
Arturo, at brunch, nervous�
�Well he will be getting married�
�No, it�s not that,� they discuss
�He acts like he�s hiding something�
�Everyone does,� answers Lee
�No,� says Amanda and explains
�There�s more to it, don�t you see?�
Didn�t you see how at brunch when�
Carmen anticipated�
Arturo�s need �fore he asked her�
It�s clear to me,� Amand� said
�I think for ages they have known�
Each other, that�s my best guess�
�So you�re not buying their story?�
Lee says that he is impressed
Amanda�s pleased � for a second
Lee smirks as he says, �Are they�
Your only candidates for I�ve�
Got a secret?� Now Lee, hey!
But Amanda doesn�t notice
So, good job, she is not hurt
�Miles and Gill, they are not in love�
�From our resident expert!�
�I�m not an expert,� Amand� says
�But I know what I did see�
She paid you more attention than�
Miles,� At this he smiles, does Lee
�They sat away from each other�
They just didn�t look engaged�
Should we imply then that she thinks
Lee and A doesn�t look staged?
Lee admits she could have a point
But Rackham�s his suspect here
His denial of Orlando
Suggests he�s lying, it�s clear
Rackham, meanwhile, he is talking
To a crewman about Lee
Says that he read the telegram
But it was in code, you see
Is he dumb, what code was it in?
When I read it, it was clear
Ship of lies should be ship of spies
In English, not code, I fear
�Maybe they are Orly�s contacts?�
Asking questions left and right�
We�re are making loads of money�
�We must keep them in our sight�
Lee and A go back to their room
Lee knows someone has been there
Cos his secret match alarm has
Activated, warned our pair
Lee goes in then with his gun drawn
Emiliano jumps him
As they fight A�s standing outside
Until Lee calls to come in
Amanda fetches some water
And pours it over his head
Lee starts to ask him some questions
E asks if he�ll soon be dead?
Lee says there�s no need for gunshots
He can hit him just as well
E reaches into his jacket
He is police. What the hell?
E suspects one of their number
Was killed upon the last voyage
He too�s looking for Orlando
Seems like they�re on the same page!
Lee asks if he knows the motive
E says, �My government�s weak�.
Dollars are being used to fund�
Guerillas, info we seek�
�But this ship doesn�t dock there though�
Does it? At Puerto Faro?�
Emiliano says �There is�
A funnel - San Angelo�
Now Amanda�s getting nervous
�Isn�t that where?� she pauses
�We are supposed to be married?�
�That�s a good idea,� Lee says
�While everyone�s preoccupied�
You could unload anything�
Probably no one would notice�
While wrapped up in a wedding�
Lee asks if O could be alive
E says �There is always hope�
O, he was always a wild one�
But says, �He wasn�t a dope�
Meanwhile to our guys R�s listening
As our guys talk of the case
For they�re determined to solve it
R will put them in their place!
Wow, look at Lee in his Tux there!
Amanda�s not looking bad
They�ve dressed up for the Captain�s ball
And wasn�t paxed - I�m so glad!
Lee says the party must wait though
Has to meet E in the hold
Maybe there is some storage space
24C might behold
Lee suggests Amand� should mingle
Amanda really hates that
�Can�t I take a walk on the deck?�
�I�d prefer it if you sat�
�Oh, Lee, just how much trouble can�
I get in, walking on deck?�
�If anyone can then you can�
Now come on, Lee, just a sec
But Amanda doesn�t argue
Just sips her drink as Lee leaves
Rackham tells Gretz they are agents
And at that a sigh he heaves
�So we will have to kill them then�
�Yes, but three deaths will look odd�
So we must divide and conquer�
Gretz then gives Rackham a nod
Meanwhile down in the cargo hold
Lee and E unpick a lock
Up in the bar Miles approaches
Amanda in her nice frock
�Where�s Lee?� asks Miles of Amanda
�Spilt something on his jacket�
So he�s gone down now to change it�
Then, good, she plays hard to get
Miles asks if she�s into dancing
She wants to relax, she says
Then he brings up the lifeboat drill
And thus begins her next mess!
�We all have adjoining seats in�
The lifeboats,� Miles says, �boat D�
Seats 19 through 22D�
A�s eyes light up, do you see?
For she has another idea�
For 24C, she notes
Making an excuse she leaves then
And she heads for the lifeboats
Out on the deck she is walking
Finding boat 24C
Without thinking she climbs up there
It happens so suddenly
The boom she�s on swivels out there
Over the ocean, she swings
No one is in sight to help her
So there�s just A who�s screaming
Just then the cavalry arrives
In the shape of Lee and E
Lee climbs up and pulls her over
Like how she grabs onto Lee!
Lee lowers her down on the deck
Into E�s arms where she stands
That�s not fair, those should be Lee�s arms
Around her, holding her hands
Lee jumps down, gives her his jacket
Being nonchalant, she tries
Onlookers begin to gather
But her fear she can�t disguise
Lee and E lead her away then
Lee has his arm to her back
But then does Emiliano
Lee�s opportunity lacked!
As our guys lead her away then
Lee has his arm around her
But then it�s not, what is happ�ning?
Lee that was your chance � well, d�uh!
Back in the room Amand� explains
How she just climbed up the boom
E says it could be delib�rate
Their covers blown � voice of doom
Lee says Amanda must leave now
For her protection, he means
�But won�t that blow your cover, though?�
�It may already have been�
�It�s too dangerous to stay here�
�San Angelo may not be�
Any safer for me alone�
And Lee is forced to agree
@
�But if I stay on board,� A says
While she sits there on the bed
�Will we?� she asks, Lee is nodding
�We will have to get married�
Next day docked at San Angelo
The weddings are underway
Lots of couples, they are smiling
This is their happiest day
Then we pan round to *our* couple
They are the next two in line
Then the priest he beckons to them
Looks like they are out of time
Wow! They�re a good looking couple
Lee in that white tux, so fine
Amanda�s dress is so pretty
Perhaps then this is a sign?
Although our couple don�t spot that
They think they�re not meant to be
Think they are friends, or just partners
But we know better, don�t we?
�Let�s go,� Lee says, A refuses
�I can�t� she says. �What is up?�
�You�re standing on my dress,� she says
Phew it�s just a mild hiccup
Awww, did you catch the look on Lee�s�
Face as he stood there, to go
Up the aisle - a deer in headlights
Terrified, I think, you know?
Taking her arm in his, they walk
Forwards to go make their vows
They know that this is a cover
So there�s no passion to douse
Yeah, if you think that you�re dreaming
Watch them, you�ll see what I mean
Oh, it�s so sweet how they�re nervous
Isn�t this just a great scene?
Then the priest asks Lee, �Well do you?�
Lee thinks, then he says, �I do�
Then he asks A the same question
Her reply is �I do,� too
Lee�s got that look again, see it?
*Deer in headlights* - it is true
For it�s ring on finger time now
He is so scared, it�s untrue
Lee hunts his pockets for the ring
The Priest�s not amused at his�
Antics, but it�s not Lee�s fault though
His mind is all in a tizz
Oh, good, he�s found it, continue
Lee takes a deep breath and speaks
�With this ring I thee wed,� Lee says
Amanda�s interest peaks
�I now pronounce you man and wife�
The priest says, but that�s sexist
Should be husband and wife really
Although I do get the gist
�You may now kiss the bride,� he says
What? Lee kiss A? Oh my gosh!
A cover kiss is okay, but�
Any doubts right then they quash
Then the music kicks in big time
As Lee he lifts up her veil
Staring into each others eyes
Amazing that they don�t bail!
But no, they just keep on staring
Amanda nervously laughs
And then they kiss - wow - in close up
You see this time there�s no gaffes
Aww, that�s so sweet �cos they both have
Their eyes shut for the whole time
And there�s not one but two kisses
They stop - hey! Not enough time!
Amanda�s eyes, they open first
Realizing what goes on
Although I think Lee he also
Notices - I think he�s *gone*
Sorry my tape now is worn out
Because I had to rewind
Forty or fifty times only
Purely for rhyme-research, mind
She puts her hand up to his lips
Removes the lipstick she left
He smiles at her as she does this
Now it�s over, I�m bereft
But, though, the eyespeak�s not over
As to the crowd, turn to face
He raises his eyebrows at her
They will remember *this* case!
He clears his throat and they link arms
And return back down the aisle
Where they are congratulated
Oh, well, they did it in style!
Lee and Amanda get a drink
Champagne that�s laid on for them
And all the other weddings from�
The honeymoon cruise do stem
�It�s a pity that they are fake�
About the flow�rs in her hand
�Oh well at least the ring is pure�
An eighteen carat gold band�
�Yeah,� Look a lightbulb overhead
�What?� asks Lee, at her idea
�Eighteen carat,� her brain�s ticking
�Twenty four carat, you see?�
�No,� smugly, �karats with a �K��
�No, it�s a �K� or a �C��
Depends if it�s gems or gold which�
You use, so Lee, don�t you see?�
Maybe O didn�t know either�
Which one to use for the gold
The funds are not paper money�
You can see Lee is now sold�
On the idea of Amanda�s
And so she does it again!
But then Lee comes up with a snag
How move so much gold, and when?
They�re off to Emiliano
To see if he has ideas
Downing their champagne so quickly
Do you think their minds this clears?
Just before they leave, Amanda
Says, �Was a nice cerem�ny�
I�m not sure Lee is convinced though
�Yeah,� agrees Lee, then they flee
Back at the dock in a taxi
They arrive, Lee helps her out
�Darling� he says - yeah, their cover!
Just playing that *I�ve* no doubt!
Amanda sees they�re unloading
Something from on board the ship
�Looks like pipes from the engine room�
And did that without a tip!
That�s when he sends Amanda to�
Tell Emi where to meet him�
To the Engine Room he�s going
He�s doing some prospectin�
Gretz observes Lee and Amanda
As they cross onto the ship
So the bad guys they take a break
So Gretz into Lee can rip
Inside the engine room Lee finds
Some of those pipes lying there
Scraping the paint off - they are gold!
So at the pipes, Lee does stare
Meanwhile Amanda�s at E�s room
Calls to him, but no reply
Opens the door, but E�s captured
So, again, Amanda sighs
Rackham has E there at gunpoint
Now he has Amanda too
But E creates a diversion
Amanda runs, she just flew
As Rackham chases Amanda
She runs into Gillian
A asks for help as she�s pursued
But then G pulls out a gun
Lee�s still lurking down in the ship
Sees Gretz, it�s not what he planned
As he takes cover Gretz fires
Shoots the gun right from Lee�s hand
So Lee runs and Gretz, he follows
Chasing around in the dark
Lee then jumps Gretz, there�s a punch up
Lee�s winning, will make his mark
But then Lee is interrupted
Before he hits Gretz�s face
It�s Miles, he�s standing behind Lee
He�s a gun too, what a place!
In a cabin, all together
Emi, Amand� and now Lee
Lee is surprised, says, �Amanda!�
But there is more here to see
Miles says �We can beat that surprise�
As Orlando is pushed in
Lee is concerned for his friend though
And is confident he�ll win
�You�ll never get away with it�
Is basic�ly what he says
But Miles, he doesn�t believe him
Miles, he should know not to mess�
With the great agent, Lee Stetson
For he always gets his man
Maybe he could be a Mountie?
Sorry, digressing again
So the bad guys tie up our guys
Gillian names time and place
Just so we�re not out of the loop
And can get back in their face!
So bad and good guys together
All leave the ship for the meet
Lee tries to untie his bindings
While he is in the back seat
At a cliff�s edge, Rackham takes them
Lee and A sat in the car
Rackham spills alcohol on them
But Lee is free - what a star!
He reverses the car, escapes
With Amanda by his side
They hurtle off in the distance
Rack� and Gretz go for a ride!
Meanwhile Gill and Miles are waiting
For those they have planned to meet
They need to unload the gold though
E and O help - what a treat!
As Lee and A flee the bad guys
He tries to untie her binds
And still they find time to argue
Get that in marriage, you�ll find!
Chasing along the cliff roadside
The jeep it side-swipes their car
But Lee, he is a good driver
So it�s the jeep that goes far!
Over the cliff�s edge, the jeep goes
But the bad guys, they jumped clear
The jeep explodes, at the bottom
But no one�s killed, never fear
Lee thinks there�s still time to catch them
Gill and Miles, out at the meet
�Aren�t we going a little fast?�
Amanda asks, aww that�s sweet
�We�re going a lot fast,� Lee says
�I think I�ve burned out the brakes�
Yes, Lee, it was getting boring
Why don�t we just up the stakes!
At high speed, Lee does maneuver
The car around all those bends
Meanwhile Gill and Miles are waiting
To sell the gold to their *friends*
Back in the car, Lee tells Amand�
�Get ready to jump,� Lee says
�Jump?� says Amanda, just checking
But she heard right, Lee says, �Yes�
�There�s only one way this will stop�
See how she trusts him? Says, �When?�
So she dives out when he tells her
He�s impressed by her - again
Then it�s Lee�s turn to dive out of�
The car, what great timing though
For they are just by the bad guys
Gill and Miles are just below
As the car falls onto their van
Lee chases down the cliffside
Emiliano trips Miles up
And onto him Lee then dives
Gill reaches for the gun, points it
At Lee and Miles, as they fight
Meanwhile we see in the background
Amanda, white dress, a sight!
Doing the pretend gun thing, A
Sneaks up on Gill, takes the gun
While the fight goes on before them
But now it looks like Lee�s done
Amanda throws Gill�s gun to Lee
Lee holds the bad guys at bay
Amanda runs round to his side
Her arm round his back, I say!
Lee sees Amanda at his side
He just wants to protect her
So he puts his arm around her
She leans into his shoulder
Later, back in Billy�s office
Billy congratulates them
For their fine job done on this case
�So that wraps that up� Bill says
�Sir, there�s just one more thing,� A says
�What about the annulment?�
�Oh,� Fran says, �that isn�t needed�
Can you tell what Franny meant?
�It was technic�lly invalid�
�How so?� Amanda asks then
Lee admits he did some lying
�About his name, used Stetsman�
Billy is proud of his agent
Lee, though, goes on with his lies
�Used phoney birthdate and birthplace
False address, the whole works� - Spies!
Lee was a bit over-zealous
Don�t you think? Maybe he�s scared?
Do you think A�s disappointed?
Thought for a second, he cared?
�So we never *really* married?�
Then a weird thing, says Francine
�Not according to the laws of�
San Angelo� What�s she mean?
According to what laws then though?
Or does she mean something deep?
About our Lee and Amanda
Do you to conclusions leap?
Lee asks to speak to Amanda
Outside, alone, as they go
Francine glances down at Billy
What is it they think they know?
They did it again when Lee and�
Amand� had gone from the room
Maybe between Lee and Amand�
Something is starting to bloom?
Outside the pen, the corridor
Lee and Amanda, they walk
�Some strange things happened, Amanda�
Look at her face as they talk
I think she�s having some fun here
At Lee�s expense, as he tries
To explain, it was all business
Go on, just look at her eyes
He has a hard time just saying
That what happened was just work
But she is willing him on though
As Lee is being a jerk!
�It was all part of our cover�
�I know it was,� A replies
�We were just playing our roles there�
�I know that,� Amanda sighs
For Lee is being serious
Maybe protesting too much?
Like this just might have got to him?
Losing his indifferent touch?
See, he�s still trying to convince�
Her that nothing went on there
And she agrees, but she�s smiling
At his very intense stare
Finally I think he�s bought it
Or at least thinks that she has
So then asks her for his ring back
Boy does this spy guy have class!!!
On Lee�s pinky does she place it
�Aww,� he says, Amand�s laughing
If they think all this meant nothing
They�re the one�s who are dreaming!
images courtesy of Swoopes